I know this has been done before but how does somebody who loves their job cope with guilt and awfulness of wailing dd every morning at nursery?

[Biggleboggle]

Hello. I've been working ever since my DD was 9 months, she's now almost 2. I'm full-time and at a fairly critical period of a(newish) career. It's a job I love. If I stopped now I am pretty sure that I would find it very very difficult to get back in in a few years time, and I am already a bit old to be starting a new career so don't want to set it back further. Part-time doesn't feel like an option, at least if I want to really be 'in the game.' I'm an academic, the job market's tight, and I feel like I'm competing against people who seem to be devoting most of their life to this.

BUT, my DD has never been totally happy in childcare. I have total faith in her nursery, but every morning now she clings on and wails and wails as I leave. It's absolutely heartbreaking and the guilt is overwhelming. She was probably worse at her childminder.

I honestly don't know what to do. In every respect she seems to be happy and confident (though she's a fairly quiet personality), when she's at home, and by the time I pick her up from nursery she's fine. I do work quite flexibly, I pick her up by 5pm and often don't drop her till about 9am so she's not having five really long days.

But I can't help thinking that what I'm doing is wrong. She would prefer to be with her mummy and therefore at aged two, perhaps she should be, at least for more of the time. On the other hand, giving up this new career that I've fought hard for would be difficult from purely a financial angle. I would be miserable at home (quite apart from the financial aspect).

Has anyone else dealt with this? It's just so hard having to go through it every morning, for both of us! Can anyone reassure me that I am not causing lasting damage to DD by doing this? Thanks in advance!

Does she stop crying quickly after you've gone?

dd (also 2) went through a phase of this recently after being totally happy at dropoffs, but it seemed it was just the moment of parting that she found hard - she was fine once that was over.
She didn't whine/cling at other times, didn't (eg) refuse to get in the car or to go in the door to nursery, had a fab time once there and didn't take it out on me when I came back etc, so I didn't interpret it as 'she hates nursery' but as 'she hates saying goodbye', which made sense and was much easier to address.

Both my DS's (age 2 & 4) love nursery but do have phases of being clingy on drop off.

I do work part time though (3 days) and so this helps with the guilt factor. I also generally am not a person who feels guilty about stuff in general, i love my job and would be bored at home every day too so this helps.

For you...not sure what to suggest...have you explored PT...is it deffo not an option.

Practical suggestions if you do stay FT:

If you can work flexibly any chance of doing an earlier drop off and pick up...eg 8-4 rahter than 9-5, more time with her in the late afternoon might help, i.e that extra hr at home quality time rather than using it for rushing around int he morning??

Try not to think about it....focus on your work whilst at work dont let the guilty thoughts in as all they do is make you feel bad (easier to say than do i realise).

Do you drop and run?? Lingering whilst trying to comfort them actually makes mine worse. I try to be as quick as poss...less painful all round.

If you feel bad, can you just ring to check on her an hour later...this could stop you feeling bad all day if they tell you at 10am that she is fine.

flippant one...have another....9 months mat leave and she will be that bit older !!

Hello! Thanks so so much for replying! Re: your suggestions, I like the idea of thinking it's just the goodbye she hates. Normally, once I've gone I think she's fine, although lately she has been tearful in the morning apparently. Having said that, she has been ill and I think it's taking her a while to feel absolutely back to herself. She doesn't take it out on me once home, unless she's very tired she's normally a happy little thing when I pick her up.

I am pregnant, hooray! Unfortunately don't think I'm looking at nine months maternity leave but hopefully at least six months so yes, I am holding out for that (and praying selfishly for a new baby who loves going to nursery)!

The funny thing is with the guilt factor that I feel more guilty precisely because as soon as I start work I stop thinking about her, because I am usually quite engrossed. Somehow that seems like a double neglect to me, although I know that sounds a bit crazy - sitting thinking about her all day wouldn't make it better for her if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I think you're right, the thing to do until maternity leave at least is to take full advantage of the flexibility my current job gives me and then reassess once the new baby is here.

Thanks again, I appreciate it!

oh and if you do have flexiubilty, time your dropoff optimally

dd did badly if we were too early (eg in order to have early pickup) as there weren't enough kids in the room to create exciting bustle an meant I coukdn't say 'oh are you going to join Fenella at the sand tray?' etc

but if we were much later they would have started a more structured activity and she was reluctant to join in

but if we were really late, like 9.30, she would be just in time for milk, which worked brilliantly

it was worth the effort to be absolutely predictable so she knew what to expect

Good point MrsBadger, sometimes I take her in late so that she has more time at home but actually I'm not sure if she benefits from that. Thanks again - this morning was marginally less bad than the day before! Here's hoping we're going through a blip.

My ds went through a phase like this and it was definitely not liking to say goodbye to mummy rather than not liking nursery - we solved it by dh taking him in and lo and behold no tears/tantrums

I have the same problem with my DS - he is often very upset when I drop him off but perfectly happy all day. Often now his Godfather drops him off as I am at work early (so I can get home early!) and apparently he never cries.

Saying goodbye to Mummy is a very difficult thing I think.

That's sweet Sprogger re: mummy and daddy days.

Thanks for all your thoughts. I think the goodbye bit is definitely the worst for both of us but having said that in the last week or so, the girls at nursery have said that she's also been a bit tearful in the morning, and that she's asked for Mummy and Daddy a lot. Which as you can imagine I find quite heartbreaking (and vaguely amusing as she's often not that friendly to Daddy when he's around, her favourite words are Go'way daddy)! I am just going to have to hope that we get through this phase and then I'll be on maternity leave over the summer.

My ds3 never liked nursery much, the whole 3 years he was there. He's 4 now and he's fine. It would have been better for him not to go to nursery really, but that's how things were and I still have a good relationship with him. Do I feel terrible about it when I think of it? Yes. Is it really a terrible thing? No.

I also loved mat leave with ds2 and ds3. So special to have that time as sahm.