too much, too young?

[rattie77]

Hi,

I am in a dilema and could really use some insight/advice. I have a grown up family and was halfway through a course when I became pregnant (unplanned). I decided to keep the baby with a view to finishing the course and getting the job I had been working towards.

I managed to do this with some juggling etc and was offered a great job which was full time. I thought I would be fine with this as baby had been in nursery from 12 weeks until 7 months whilst I completed my course. Sadly I have been home with him now since August and have just had my start date for work which is in 3 weeks time and I am really unsure of what to do.

He goes three afternoons a week to nursery at the moment, which is fine, but he has started with the seperation anxiety problems in past two weeks.Regardless of this I am not sure if him going 5 days a week for 10 hours a day is just too much at 16months?. Part time is not an option unfortunately, so it would be all or nothing. It is also not ultimately about the money, more about me missing out on a last chance of a career before I am too old. If I put off returning to work until he is a bit older will it be too late, if I send him to nursery for such long hours am I being selfish?

If anybody has any advice or has been through a similar problem, I would be really grateful to hear from you. I have to make my mind up this weekend one way or another.

Are you sure they're the only options? If you have a DP, could he look at his hours? Would you feel happier if your DC was with a nanny or an au pair one-to-one for some of that time? What are you planning to do for before and after school care when he goes to school? Could you have childcare now that anticipates that to some extent?

Hi, I'm mum of 2 & a nursery nurse (aswell as many other things, including being a possibly pregnant honours degree student!) & have worked whilst both of my children were young.

I must be honest though, although its often an unpopular view - from my experience as a nursery nurse working in nurseries caring for children whose parents work for such long hours, I have to say it is usually hard on both child and parent/s i'd say even up to school age.

I really do feel for you & can understand as I'm possibly facing a similar dilemma myself. I think alot depends upon your circumstances, how maternal you are and whether or not your chosen career could offer flexibility somewhere down the line after initially starting or you have an ability to alter career paths to accomodate your family needs.

I had to work for part of my childrens early years both for financial reasons & partly due to not being satisfied at mumsy tasks & suffering from depression, so I do understand completly the frustration involved, however, I also feel that being the majority carer is essential in the early years as young childcare workers can very very rarely provide the same attention and care a loving parent can.

It sounds like your're under a huge amount of pressure and you're very unsure all round. You could try starting work and seeing how it goes? To be honest though, if you were a family friend or relative I would prob say 'yes' that really 10 hour days are too much for such a young child in a day nursery environment. Have you thought about a childminder instead of a nursery so he'll get more consistent 1-1 care?

Also, are you so sure that by putting off working for 2-3yrs r.is going to be that detrimental to your future job prospects, or is that an assumption you've made during a decision making process that is emotionally draining? Either way, whichever decision you make, try to view it flexibly & don't box yourself in, especially if you don't have to,

all the best

Thanks for your replies.DH has offered to give up his temporary contract to look after baby as my job is more secure - permanent contract etc, so that is an option. To be honest though, I think he would be climbing the walls after a week - he has always worked and enjoys the social aspect of it etc. In the future when son is older at school etc, I am considering after school clubs and will feel happier about the longer day as he will be older and possibly better able to cope?. clubs etc.

I am quite maternal, though can see me getting really bored and understimulated at home, but is that a good enough reason to return to work f/t and subject baby to all day nursery?. I appreciate your honest answers and comments, a lot of people sit on the fence and are frightened about speaking out in case others are offended, but I am inclined to fully agree with you and I think that is where my uncertainty lies. It would be too much for him - yet. I did consider a childminder before I had him but couldn't get one local that would allow me to get to work on time - the nursery is a 15 min walk - I don't drive.

Can I ask policybabe, what exactly is hard for the little ones who are in nursery each day for so long? Is it the time away from parents, or the fact that they are with others for such long hours constantly?.

I don't know for certain that my career will be over - I am assumming but am aware of the age factor being against me, I suppose it is a chance I will have to take. At the end of the day, he has to come first and I can possibly get some weekend or evening work to help financially and give me an outlet.

Once again, thanks and congratulations policybabe if they are in order?.

I think that your DH becoming a SAHD for a while sounds like a really good option. If he's on a succession of temporary contracts, and you have the option of a career with a permanent contract, it does make sense for your partnership for you to push your career ahead, don't you think?

You say that you're worried your DH would be climbing the walls, but I don't see why he shouldn't be organising social events for himself and your DS, just as you presumably do. If your DS stays on at nursery 3 afternoons a week, then perhaps your DH could take that time to do some voluntary work or some activities of his own, child-free.

Hope you don't mind me saying this, but you seem very sure that your DH shouldn't take over as main child carer and wouldn't be able to do it - is there an aspect of you feeling guilty about not being able to be 'full-time mum' and feeling that your DH shouldn't be able to do a better job than you can? To me, him offering to give up a temporary contract to look after the DC seems like the absolutely ideal solution.

Thanks for your comments Grendelsmum. Yes it does sound like the ideal solution really, I am just worried that he won't do things with him that I would such as activities etc, as he may feel that it is all women dominated, though I am sure that isn't the case. I also worry that he will do things in a totally different way than me - the control freak in me probably. I can see that he would be really good though at the same time and as he can drive will be able to do a lot more with him than I can really.

I don't mind your comments at all, and I do feel really guilty about not being the 'full-time mum' - it was always my 'role' when the others were little and though I am a totally different person now it is hard to discard my label. I am also concerned that if he gives up his job - although it is only temporary and I take this job , if I hate it, I will have to stay there as he has made this sacrifice. He does like where he is working a great deal and it is highly likely that they will renew the contract with a view to taking him on permantly, if he leaves he says he won't ever get back in there - so feel a wee bit pressurised. I am just really scared of making the 'wrong' decision and am over analysing things probably.