Very worried

[wombat2]

I have changed my name for this. Recently dh was made redundant - he is a very heavy drinker and has had quite a bit of sick leave which I think might have contributed, although the company was laying off lots of staff. He is now saying he wants a break before looking for work. I hoped this might help him cut down on drink, but so far little change. He is still being aggressive and occasionally things "get physical" although not seriously. He has never touched the kids. Despite this, he is quite helpful both round the house and with the children.

Meanwhile, I've found a part-time job starting soon for 3 days a week (having been a SAHM), but can't shake off the worry about whether dh will cope with childcare. I just don't feel he is reliable enough, plus I worry about him shouting at the children and generally having a bad effect on them. He doesn't usually drink during the day, only the evenings, but this has a knock-on effect in the mornings, when he can't get up. How will the kids get to school?? Should I give him more of a chance?

This is a bit long, but just needed to waffle for a while. Thanks.

hi wombat

a friend of mine has a similar issue with her dh. she attends Al-Anon (run by AA for the families of alcoholics) and finds it very helpful. you will be able to share your worries and learn "coping strategies" from the other members.

hth.

here is the link to their website . good luck.

Agree with the advice given.

Just to add, I'm sure you've talked to your dh about him caring for your children, but I wondered if you'd gone through the day in detail with him? ie - the morning school run routine, the afternoon picking up routine? Ask him how he will be organising the mornings. You say your dh is good with the children, so hopefully he won't look blank and will give you a reasonable and believable answer - and that might open the way for you to talk to him about his drinking and future plans etc. But if he doesn't, or he lies or totally brushes the question away, then you're on rocky ground. I don't know where you go from there - I don't know your husband. But agree you should contact al anon.

Also, have you thought of organising a trail run with your dh - he could get the children up and ready to go out early one weekend morning while you are in the house?

Have to rush off now - hope you get more replies to this.

You poor thing.
As Batters noted, there are so many issues here. I feel you should address each one seriously. For example, you say that things 'get physical' although he has never touched the kids - unfortunately children do tend to pick up on things which they can then take into later life not knowing any different.

As for him having a break before finding work, remember that it will also give him more 'drinking hours' and it could be so easy to slip into the habit of starting to drink earlier and earlier. If you really feel that you can't rely on him to look after your children, I would suggest that you look hard into alternative childcare. It must be so hard for you while you are at work, worrying about what on earth is going on at home - I really feel for you.

Have you discussed his drinking with him and told him your feelings and concerns (or is this where he gets aggressive?) Also, has he ever tried to stop or curb his drinking at all? Or even gone for help? I'm all for giving people a chance and I personally know of people who have been sober for years. Unfortunately there's no magic cure and it is the family who suffer. Again, you can get lots of support from AL-ANON.

Will be thinking of you, and remember, it's you and the children who must come first!!

I think you should perhaps also look out for yourself - if things get physical, that isn't very good. I'm a bit worried for you too.

I'm sorry you're so worried about this wombat. It must be stressful starting a new job, without worrying about what is going on at home.

If you are really worried, I would try and get someone else to help you out with the childcare. Failing that do you have a friend or relative you could confide in, who might be able to pop round for a cup of coffee while you are at work.

I am going on a school trip with my eldest tomorrow and I'm worried about leaving the other two with my partner. He has been in a foul mood all day and I'm really worried that he will be short tempered and grumpy with them.

Hope you find a solution.

Dear Wombat2,

I was married to an alcoholic for an number of years until things got "physical" enough for me to finally throw him out and get divorced.

As I was the one who was working (the ex did not), I was in a constant state of anxiety concerning the children's welfare between their coming home from school and my return from work. Trust your instincts. I only found out much later from a neighbour, who remained silent at the time, that my ex had been physically abusive towards my children. The children themselves said nothing (out of fear, I presume)and he always managed to attribute bumps and bruises to "falls" and "playground behaviour".

Emotionally, my children were quite disturbed, so much so that people thought that one of my daughters might be autistic and one of my sons deaf. Fortunately neither is the case.

Would you husband consider therapy or abstinence? Does he accept that he has a problem with alcohol?
Is he willing to do anything about it?

If neither is the case, I would definitely research alternate child care because otherwise you will never have peace of mind.

GOOD LUCK

On a more pleasant note, I have now met a wondeful Frenchman who seems happy to accept all my children!!!!

Wombat 2, do you know why he drinks? It could be that he hated his job and it was his way of escaping from things. Perhaps this could be a fresh start for him and the responsibility of doing something completely different may do him good. He may surprise you by rising to the challenge!

All is not doom and gloom and it would be worth you spending some time together now to discuss this great new opportunity for things to change for the better.

Thanks so much for all the ideas and advice. I have been hoping that things may change for the better for dh with the reduced stress after leaving work, and today and yesterday have been quite good days (so far) with little drinking. He is still unnecessarily aggressive though. I have a nearby friend who knows about the local Al-Anon group, I think I should try it (she goes and her dh drinks far less than mine )

Tigermoth, great ideas re trial run of going to school - have suggested this and we're going to try it tomorrow. When sober, he's very positive and gets on well with children. I'm going to ask another friend if she could keep an eye out when dh is taking children to/from school and make sure things are going OK.

I've spoken to my new boss today and hopefully I might even be able to get into work after doing school run, so maybe dh would only have to pick up. I don't want to take too much on though, if dh is available to help. I just hope there aren't too many bad days - I'd just be worried sick at work.

Thanks again, and will keep you posted (if you're interested!) Hedgehog, glad you've now found your lovely Frenchman!