On ML and been told that she doesnt want me back :(

[nicolamat1983]

Hi,

Please bare with me, its a long one!!
I'm a nanny and been with my current employer for 2 years. I've been on Maternity Leave since the beginning of September 09 and was due to go back 6th April 10. My boss came to see me on Monday and told me she doesnt think I'll cope with both my son who will be 6 months and her son who will be nearly 4.5 years. She thinks the early start (7am, same since I started) will be 'difficult' as her son now needs to be at his new nursery for 8am. I then have the rest of the day off (unpaid but still on call) and pick him up again at 1pm and shes home at 630pm (all the same as before my ML), again all apparently 'difficult'. Also he now does some library thing on a Friday afternoon which will be 'difficult' for me to do. Shes a cardiac consultant in a large hospital so has to be on call at weekends and overnight in the week sometimes (we're talking 1 wkend in 5 and maybe 1 night every 4 weeks) and she also thinks this will be 'difficult' for me with my son. For me, none of that is difficult. I've been a nanny for 8 years and my very first job was with a family who had 3 children aged 6 months, 5 and 7 years and I coped fine then. I know that situation was different as I had an overnight/weekend with them maybe 3 or 4 times a year but what I mean is that I had 3 children to look after, 2 pretty much the same ages as my current situation, and it was no problem.
My boss was happy for me to take my son with me when I went back, wish I'd got it in writing now! I was all up for trying it out for a few months to see how it went but no, to her thats it she doesnt want me back and will get another nanny or keep the temp she got to cover my ML.
My point in all this (finally!) is how does it all stand legally? She did say that she has put some money aside for me, kind of like a bonus, so that I dont have to get a job straight away but she didnt say how much. I didnt think that you could sack someone for having a child? She kept saying how she didnt want to lose me as a friend and that both her and her son love me (shes widowed). I'm just really confused and upset at the moment. Instead of enjoying my new son and spending time with him, I'm now having to rush round sending off CVs looking for another job to start when my ML ends. I'm going to visit her and her son on Monday afternoon and she said we'll talk more then, I just want to be prepared by what she can/cant do. Any help/advice will be very much appreciated!

I think legally, returning with your ds makes it a different job, therefore she has the right to say you can return but without him.

I assume that's what she meant. To cover it with 'it'll be difficult for you' is bollocks. She should grow a pair and say 'you can come back as you were or not at all because I've decided I don't want a share type situation' which at least would be honest.

I know nothing about employment law I'm afraid, but it does sound like she was choosing a nanny/you for the one-to-one care for her DS, and now she doesn't like the idea of sharing that with another child.

That's not much help is it?

So, bumping for you.

She is not sacking you for having a child. She is perfectly happy for you to return to your job exactly as before. You are requesting a change in your terms and conditions by asking to bring your new baby to work with you and provide care for him at the same time as her DS, and she doesn't want to agree to that.

It's a shame, as lots of nannies' employers are happy to make that change to keep their nannies, but she doesn't have to.

What is sge doing while your on mat leave? Did sge get another nanny and has decided to keep her on?
Presumably her son will go to school in September anyway so you would need a new job anyway
hope you are ok though, it sucks to be thrown curve balls

It doesn't sound as if she is sacking you but but is saying (although not very clearly) that she does not wish you to return to work with your son. She is perfectly entitled to say that. However, if you tell her on Monday that you will be returning without your son and she still indicates that she does not want you back then (assuming that she will still have a nanny and is not making the role redundant) you would have a valid case against her.

Have you had and conversation about decrease in salary, as is often done when a nanny returns to work with her own chld (as the nanny is saving on childcare costs, and the parent is no longer getting 1:1 care for their child). I wonder if you could bring this up when you see her, and it could make her reconsider?

I get your point about looking after children of multiple ages in a family before. But she doesn't have multiple DC, only one, so I can imagine that the thought of your attention suddenly being split between her child and yours, doesn't seem natural and easy like it does for all of us, but might seem like a bit of a waste of money when what she wants me him is 1:1 care. actually, as an only child there might be a benefit to him of having time with another child.

The other thing that she is probably weighing up is that if she takes you back with your DC and then she feels like it isn't working, because you've been working for her for a long time, whether she would be able to let you go. Maybe someone on here could clarify that it would be, in essence, a new contract. If you could point out to her that you could draw it up so that if either of you felt it wasn't working after 3 months, you called it a day, she might felt better.

Then again (and I've been in this situation as an employer) that would leave her with the difficulty of recruiting again, as the temp nanny would have a new job, and it would be more changes for the child.... It is quite complicated as an employer getting your ehad round the nanny returning with own child scenario.

I agree she is not handling it brilliantly by talking about you not coping rather than just saying she's not happy with it.

If you end up having to resign because she's definitely not happy, make sure you don't do it until your whole year maternity leave is up. You continue to accrue holiday throughout your maternity leave and will need to be paid it at the end, which will be 5.6 weeks pay.

I agree with Flowery I'm afraid (and everyone else, but I always agree with Flowery!).

You are, in essence, asking for a change in terms and conditions. Yes, all the stuff about X and Y being difficult was pussyfooting around the real issue, but fundamentally what she's saying is that she doesn't want you to work and bring your son with you. It sucks if she gave you the impression before that it would be ok, but unless it was formally agreed as a change in terms and conditions (not a 'should be ok'), there's nothing you can do. You have to make the difficult decision between finding alternative care for your son and finding a new job. I suspect I know which you'll choose.

As an aside, I've noticed a bit of a trend on here for nannies to expect to be able to take their child with them when they return from maternity leave. I think it's a result of the increasing numbers of mums looking for nanny shares, etc. I'm not getting at you at all OP (and this is more of a general comment than directed at you), but bear in mind that in very few other jobs would this even be a possibility. Just as an employer in an office would be entitled to feel that you couldn't give it your full attention and look after a baby, so a nanny employer is entitled to feel that you can't give her son your full attention and look after a baby. I am supportive of these types of arrangements (and have used them myself. So no axe to grind), but I think it helps to bear in mind that actually it can be a pretty big ask for many parents....

In terms of the trial period, I'm afraid that's not possible. I agree that the employer may well be scared of having to do a difficult dismissal if it doesn't work out, but someone with at least a year's service has unfair dismissal rights and there's nothing you can do to contract out of them. A change in terms doesn't do it I'm afraid...

You do not have the right to take your child back with you. Some employers are very understanding, some are not happy with the situation. You were hired to provide 1-to-1 care to her child, you won't be able to do that any more.

Has she said she's willing to take you back on your previous T&Cs (without your son?) or does it seem as though she just does not want you back full stop? The former is okay, the latter is not. You do have the right to return to your original job on the same terms and conditions.

It seems as though there's been a huge miscommunication somewhere and she doesn't seem to be putting herself across very clearly. I think you're doing the right thing by discussing it but do be prepared to face up to the alternatives of putting your DS into childcare or finding another job.

On a completely different note - why are you working and being on call but not being paid? Employers want my time, they pay for it. They want me there when a child is sick/for snow days/over holidays then they pay or I can make other commitments in that time.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Taking them all on board!
Firstly, she was very happy for me to bring my son with me (we even discussed it before I was pg or even married as a friend had said to her what if i became pg and said it wasnt a problem and was happy for me to bring the child) and said it would be good for her son. I'm not saying I have the right to take my son with me at all but shes going back on what we agreed. If she just said shes changed her mind then fine, i would look for another job as i cant see the point in paying for childcare for my son then going to look after someone elses and I would be working just to pay childcare costs. Also I think it would be hard to find someone willing to fit with my hours. The T&Cs of my original job may have changed anyway due to his earlier starting at nursery, only lose half an hour but the nursery is 20min further away than his old one. Would that make any difference?
Yes her son is going to school in September but she wanted to keep me on to do before and after school and holidays. Personally I think it would do her son a world of good to have another child around, he loves playing with younger ones and he wouldnt be the centre of attention all the time when hes at home which even he gets annoyed about!
If I'm really really honest, I dont think I want to go back anyway. Like I said, the hours are slightly shorter and as its a split day, going back home after drop off will take me about 40min and then probably 30min the other way (less traffic at pick up!) and I dont think I could afford the petrol especially with less money each week! And then if I had to pay childcare on top, I'm left with not enough money to cover my share of the mortgage let alone any other bills!
Thank you everyone, I think you've helped me sort out in my mind that this could be a good thing!
Frakkinaround, do you know I have no idea, its always been that way. I've thought on occasions, usually after I've been contacted by his nursery to go and pick him up as hes ill and had to cancel plans and drop everything to get him, why i dont get paid a retainer. There were days I'd turn up for work and be told that hes been ill all wkend and didnt go to nursery the day before (I worked Tues-Fri) and that he was still ill and couldnt go again and would I mind having him. No phone call the day before or anything, just told when i turned up for work and expected to cancel my day. I meant to bring it up with her but was a bit afraid to!

Compo, sorry meant to say that she hired a temp and my guess is she will keep her on which shoots herself in the foot a bit as shes paying more for her than she did me and cant exactly drop her wages!

I'm surprised she's got a choice of nannies with those horrible split shifts and possibly illegal on calls with no pay! (I bet the mb is paid when she's on call )

Start looking now for another family.

I have Lymond! I've put my CV on a nanny agency website and also a local job board website! Does anyone know of any other sites that are good for nanny jobs? I'm in the Wiltshire area.

Have you put ad on gumtree? That's where I've always had success recruiting from.

I do think your mb has been a bit out of order, verbally agreeing to you going back, until the last minute. Make sure on Monday that you tell her you're disappointed, and ask for a great reference. Also, see if she will keep an ear out at work for anyone looking for a nanny - I found my ex-nanny her next job.

Thanks for the advice Lymond. Yeah I've put myself on our local gumtree page.
I am disappointed as it wasnt just the one conversation we had about me returning with my son, it was several and at no point did she say she had any reservations/concerns. She had 7 months to say something before I left and a further 5 since i've been on ML but instead leaves it til 8wks before i'm due to go back.
I'm sure she'll give me a great reference anyway (no reason not to!) and will def ask her to keep an ear out especially at her sons pre-school and the school its attached to, are private ones so everyones loaded! Lol!

Nicola, I agree it's very disappointing to think you have a job to go back to and find out at the last minute that it's not going to happen. However, to be fair to your boss, her thoughts may have changed. It's one thing to contemplate having a baby around for a pre-schooler but now that she looks at the realities of it, she probably realises that her house is no longer baby-proofed and she doesn't want to contemplate going through the stair-gate, sticky-finger, high-chair stage again for someone else's child, particularly if you are going to be doing some overnights. She probably also just wants to focus on what is most suitable for her child in terms of after-school activities, play dates etc without having to consider whether this is do-able with a baby in tow.

I wish you luck with finding a new job and yes, the least she can do is give you a great reference.

Hi annh,
Its fine that shes changed her mind and I think I'd be less annoyed if she was actually honest and said it but shes hiding behind 'I think you'll find it difficult to cope' which is total bullfrog! I wasnt asking her to baby-proof her house, it would've been my responsibility to make sure the door was closed to the stairs, move any ornaments out the way and then back again before I left (of which she has about 4 due to her son being clumsy!), highchair wouldnt be a problem as I'd use my sons bumbo and then the boosterchair which lives under the stairs (again put away before i left) and as for sticky fingers (my son will never have sticky fingers! lol!) its more likely that her son will get sticky fingers everywhere as she lets him eat whatever he wants where he wants when shes with him, kinda to the point where you dont actually want to sit on the sofa for fear of what you might sit in!
I'm pretty much ok with it now, just sad to be leaving the little boy. Everything happens for a reason, just waiting to find out what it is! x