Not Going Back to Work

[Bells2]

I was shocked at the weekend to discover that a friend is planning to take only 4 weeks off IN TOTAL for the birth of her first baby before returning to her full time job which involves lots of travel. I had to return 14 weeks after mine (to 4 days a week) and felt it was too early. Do others think that 4 weeks is doable??

No. Suppose she has a c-section, or complications during or after a natural delivery? Suppose, God forbid, the baby is unwell afterwards? All these things happen, and if she hasn't done so already, she should make herself read the carefully-written chapters on these eventualities in some of the pregnancy/birth books.
Bells, please don't tell me she IS having a planned C-section specifically for this reason...surely her surgeon will explain about taking it easy for a minimum of six weeks even if she is as fit as a flea.
Is she from the States/employed by an American firm by any chance? A friend working for a multi-national here was placed under similar pressure to schedule meetings four weeks after the birth of her first child.
I can't help feeling 99% of parents would bitterly regret spending time away from such a young child in years to come, no matter how satisfying their career. I had 14 weeks off too and it nearly killed me going back.

Yep - she does work for an American firm and is very concerned about her career prospects. She is not planning a C-Section but as she is recovering from a riding accident in which she broke her pelvis in 5 places at 9 weeks pregnant (gets better and better!), she may well ultimately need one...

I took 2 weeks off because I felt fine. If I had been ill of course I wouldn't have. But if a woman feels ok why not? Your physical fitness and mental fitness will vary person to person.

Let's not forget men only take 2 weeks off and some don't take it at all.

Yes Jbr, but lets not forget that the men didnt actually carry and have this baby

Out of interest JBR, did you return to work 5 days a week? This woman
could well be working 60 hours or so a week as is her husband likely to be. I agree that if the father is around to look after the child then great but I do worry about bonding and so on when neither parent will be available for most of the baby's waking hours.

I don't think 4 weeks would be doable for me, but if I remember correctly, a lot of women in the US have to go back after 6 weeks. While in school, one of the professors had a baby and could either: a) take a total of 6 weeks off or b) do 3 months part time before returning full time. This was a woman.. I'm sure the same went for the men, but those that had kids returned right away.

Actually, there were three of us in my class that had kids all in the same year. I was going to take a year off, but ended up dropping out to move here (although I can return anytime and have my research here, so I could be doing it..). Another classmate (guy) worked it out with his wife so that they both could work. He did his research while she watched the baby and he watched the baby while she worked as a primary school teacher. He could bring the baby into the lab- at least until he started walking! And...

the third (girl) did I don't know what for a year or so. Then she decided that watching the baby was too much of a responsibility and affecting her work, so she had her mother look after the baby. In Korea. While she remained a student at the Univ of Chicago. The thing is, we were all done with our classes and simply doing our research for our dissertations. There were no set hours or times we had to be in-- especially for me and the other woman who were theorists. All we needed was a computer modem, some paper and pencils (in my case, lots of erasers) and we were set.

Can you imagine? She visited maybe twice a year.

And another thing about returning to work after 6 weeks in the US. The childcare here is amazing-- it's so much better than over there. At least, that's what I've found. Maybe if you had tons of money, it might be the same.. although I doubt that, too. So women have to return to work earlier and put their kids into worse childcare. Maybe that's why it seems a lot more women stay home or work part time there.

I was amazed today when I took my daughter to nursery for the first time today to settle her in - a 3 month old baby was also starting today - his (American) parents just dropped him off and then left him there for the day...meanwhile I spent 3 hours there and then took my daughter home with me!

Yes I did 5 days. But I wasn't actually in that job very long. I was out of work for quite a while after. But as I say, if I had have been ill I would have taken time off.

The point is if it is "wrong" not to want to spend all day with your baby, then both parents if their are 2, are equally "guilty".

Yes I did 5 days. But I wasn't actually in that job very long. I was out of work for quite a while after. But as I say, if I had have been ill I would have taken time off.

The point is if it is "wrong" not to want to spend all day with your baby, then both parents if there are 2, are equally "guilty".

Bells, as this is her first baby, I can't see how 4 weeks is enough for her to feeel confident about all the basics - feeding, bathing, routines etc. Even if she employs the best nanny in the world, your friend and her partner still need to know all this stuff. It took me several hours of practice before I could safely and confidently use a three-in-one pushchair and car seat for example. Perhaps suggest she has a quick trot around mothercare one lunchtime.

Jbr, I can see what you're getting at about it automatically being seen by society as 'wrong' if a mother doesn't want to spend all her time with her new baby. I know the same pressure is still not put on men - more to the pity. However, women bear children and women feed them. The first is unavoidable, the second is by choice. Leaving aside the baby, it takes time to recover physically and emotionally from a birth. And if you choose to breastfeed, it takes time to get this established. So, just from the mother's point of view, going back to work too soon (and I'd say 4 weeks is too soon), is not desirable. You don't even have to bring the baby into it.

Please dont take this question the wrong way but this seems the ideal place for me to ask this, why would anyboby want a child to instanly give it to somebody else to look after. Im not getting at anybodys choosen way of parenting, but I am very maternal and could not have left my son with anybody at four weeks, in fact he is still with me 24/7 most of the time (I leave him the odd hour or so with his dad, the rest of the time we are all together). Surely this early time is really important. I know my husband would have loved more than 2 weeks with his new son.

Joe, my partner would have loved time with our baby too. I think the newborn stage flies by and just as one is getting to grips with it it has gone and one wishes the exhaustion etc., had not been quite so central to ones experience of it. I always advise pregnant friends to wallow in the early days because it is never the same again and the emotional rollrecoaster combined with the physical demands need to be counterbalanced with enjoyment of the baby. I do think that physically and emotionally one needs time to readjust but I am not sure I could give a particular time scale. I do think - and I don't mean to sound patronising - that many of us have ideals about parenting, particularly with our first child, that can go straight out of the window once faced with the reality. Four weeks does seem too soon but it is such a personal decision. Once the baby is born she may change her mind she may not. Either way good luck to her.

I agree with Joe, why do people have children to shunt them on to someone else? I know that people have financial pressure to return to work (and I know a lot of mother's choose to take on part-time work to get a break from full-time parenting), and that is not helped by the lousy maternity allowance in this country, but making the most of the time allowed would seem the best option to me. I myself was very nearly in a position where I would have to go back to a 40hr week when my daughter was 10 weeks old - while I was pregnant I didn't think this would prove too much of a problem, but obviously as soon as she was born I saw a major problem and thankfully I didn't have to (although had to make huge lifestyle changes when faced with going on to benefits). As people have said, maybe she will change her mind when the baby's here....?

Someone I know of returned to work full-time when her baby was 5 weeks and she was full-time in nursery from then (still is 3 yrs later) I know that it was for financial reasons that she returned and the father was working full-time too but the thing that really grated on me was the fact that when they both had holiday time one year they took a week in New York - without their little girl!!! I mean I know, I know it's an individual choice and all that, but really they might as well have got a dog...

I have worked abroad and come across extremely poor women who have had to leave their children behind in other countries with extended family for months on end whilst they worked to keep all the members of their family. They could go a year without seeing their family and worked long, horrendous hours to earn money. I am sure these women loved their children as much as we all do. They literally had no choice, no benefits to keep them going or government to help.

The reasons for women returning to work are varied, but each to their own. I know one woman who had her baby after finishing a days work on the Friday and was back at her office on the Monday! She is married to an extremely wealthy guy and doesn't need the money. She works long hours, travels extensively and has two kids looked after mainly by her mum and sisters. She is happy, her kids are lovely and I think well its up to her at the end of the day.

My mum gave up work the day she got married at 21 and didn't return to work until she was in her 50's but she said she would have loved the challenge of work when we were growing up to give her a break from being a full time mum and being faced with housework and childcare all day! I work full time returning to work when my baby was 9 months old. My baby is looked after by my sister. I do not feel guily at all. She is an independent and happy child, loved by a wide circle of people and a good mixer at a young age. I may decide to go part time when I have my second child but I will wait and see. I spend complete quality time with my child, we do lots together as a family and she knows I am her mum and shows it. But she happily waves me goodbye in the morning and has fun with her aunt and cousins. I don't think my daughter is missing out by me not being there 24/7.

Whether you decide to return to work is a personal choice, I feel sorry for those that really do not want to, but have no choice. For those that want to, let them be free to without criticism.

It's right that people have no idea of what's in store when they have their first baby! I was set to go on maternity leave at 38 weeks but ended up having to leave work (bed rest) at 34 weeks, in hospital at 35 weeks and induced at 36.5 weeks. So I ended up having a baby 1.5 weeks before I was due to go on maternity leave!

I also was going to go back to fulltime work when the baby was 3 months old. This was not nearly enough time off for me, but due to financial constraints (in Australia an employer does not have to give you any paid maternity leave (which mine didn't) but does have to keep your postition for you for up to 12 months) I had to go back half time at 3 months, then fulltime at 5 months.

On the child care front....ds was looked after my a lovely lady in her home, who also looked after 4 other children, three days a week until 13 months (dh looked after him the other 2 days). At 13 months he went to a long daycare centre for 4 days a week is is still there now. I used to feel bad about leaving him, but now don't feel remotely guilty. He has such a great time and is learning to socialise very well. He still spends one day a week at home on the farm with his dad and we all spend all our time together on weekends, in the mornings and after work. I feel we have quality time together every day and that he is really get the best of both worlds.

I agree that it is important not to criticise people's decisions in these cases but I can't help but feel that the practicalities suggest that 4 weeks in total will be difficult.

Her erratic hours mean a nanny is the only childcare option. The standard advice for a nanny is to arrange a 2 week handover period - so that would mean a nanny arriving when the baby is just 14 days old (assuming she stops work on the day the baby is born). Personally I couldn't have coped with this emotionally at this stage. Presumably this length of break rules out breastfeeding as few people seem to have it sufficiently established by 4 weeks or so to allow for expressing etc. Also, her husband regularly works into the wee small hours of the morning so she will be left to look after say a 5 week old baby pretty much on her own after spending 11 - 12 hours in the office.

I think Tigermoth is right too about confidence. I'm not sure that at 4 weeks I really felt I had mastered the basics let alone that I was actively doing a good job as a mother.

I agree Jbr that women shouldn't be blamed or criticised for making the same choices that men make all the time. I don't think it is especially helpful though for women or society as a whole if women simply become more like men. Rather I'd be happier if society recognized that the role of both sexes needs to change in relation to family and childcare responsibilities so there is a greater element of choice and equality for both mothers and fathers. This girl's decision is not based on her attitude to motherhood rather the view that it is what her employer expects. I think that is a great shame and it worries me that she will feel unable to take a longer break if she wants to.

Personally, there is no way I could have gone back to work after 4 weeks. I was still perching on one buttock at this stage to avoid unnecesary pressure on tight stitches. I was absolutely shattered mentally and physically and would have contributed very little to my employer.
I think it is very difficult to make such definitive plans with your first baby as you simply do not know what the birth will be like and how you will react to motherhood.
I know we all have to make our own choices but it seems such a shame to pressure yourself back to work early if you may not need to.

There's another thing worth considering from the career point of view. Even if you struggle into work, still sore and hurting, befuddled from lack of sleep, etc, etc what sort of professional image are you going to put across? Isn't it better wait until you can hit the ground running?

Of course men and women should be free to choose whether, and how much, to work outside the home when they have a family...I think what concerns some of us here is that this woman may not be physically well enough to return at the time she proposes to, if she is unlucky enough to have problems with her delivery.
If you set yourself these goals, in the type of organisation in which she works, no-one is going to say to her, of course you can have another six weeks off when she rings in after the baby is born. They are going to place heavy pressure on her to stick to what she agreed.
It happened to someone in my NCT Group and she was done out of her accumulated annual leave, to which she was legally entitled, as a result of not being able to return as soon as she had agreed. They relied on her not having the energy to pursue it and they got away with it.
No parent should have to put up with that treatment.

I took my full 16 weeks with my 1st son (having worked up to my due date) and 6 months with my 2nd (also having worked up to my due date). The first time round I thought I would breeze back to work, and was really taken by surprise at how hard it was to leave him. Lots of howling and doubts about returning to work. The 2nd time, I thought going back would be easier because he was older, and we still had the same nanny. But I was totally floored again! 4 weeks seems horrendously soon, especially if it's done through choice rather than necessity.

By the sound of it Bells2 it is not necessarily her view but what she thinks her employers expect, all I can ask is who the hell does she work for?? Even allowing for the minimum time off that an employer has to pay you full pay (I think about 6 weeks), this is madness. Legally she is entitlled to more time off, and any decent employer who insist she has it. Otherwise once she goes back to work there will be such a mental and physical strain on her she could end up going off sick.

Now I know others have gone beck to work really soon too, all I can say is I admire them. I have just gone back after 6 months (2nd baby)and I was about ready to go back. I don't have a choice as my husband has a very erratic career (he's and actor) my wages we need to pay the mortgage etc. But I am lucky that I love my job too. Physically I suppose I could have worked by about 6 - 8 weeks afterwards, I had a c-section which got infected, but I loved this time with my baby and I feel I am a bettre person having had it.

I really feel for your friend that is working for a company that appears to frown on maternity leave, and a womans right to take time off. Is that job really worth it??

I think the truth is that it's what she thinks that her employer expects her to do. I can sympathise to an extent because for my first baby I went to great pains to stress to my employer that I would ensure that having a baby would interfere as little as possible with my job. After 6 weeks off I made myself available via a networked PC and I then returned at 14 weeks. Looking back on it, I was mad to bother as it was all fairly pointless and caused me a lot of stress and upset. Inevitably, if you are a valued employee, people will forget quite quickly how long you had off and like others have suggested, I personally think its better to have a longer break and return at a time when you can focus on your job properly and be happy with your decision to leave your baby during the day.

I just think it's a great shame that "face time" remains such an issue with so many employers.