Can't decide what to do - part-time or SAHM

[Species8472]

I'm hoping someone can help me get my head straight on this! Sorry if this is too long and dull .

My DD is 7m and I was intending to have a year mat leave and then probably go back part-time (I would have to go back by late May at the latest).

But now....I just don't know what to do. If money was no object I would resign and be a SAHM. DH and I could get by OKish on his salary, but there wouldn't be much left over and I'm starting to freak out about what we'd do if, for example, he lost his job. It's not that likely to happen, but in this economic climate am worried about putting all the eggs in one basket.

But there are other factors as well that are confusing me. My job is in London and I wouldn't be able to go back to that office with the rest of the team, due to the distance and travel costs involved (we live in West Midlands) so it would have to be a nearer office and would be a bit isolating I fear, without my colleagues, who I get on with very well and have been one of the reasons for staying there as long as I have.

DH wouldn't be able to do any nursery drop-offs or pick-ups, and we don't have any family nearby, so it would have to be me all the time, and the door-to-door journey would be about 1 hr 20 mins.

I guess if I'm honest I'm also a bit freaked out at the thought of being completely out of the work loop, but then I think of how much I really don't want to be away from DD, even if it's only 3 days a week.

Sorry for rambling on....Has anyone really regretted giving up work, or is it better to keep your hand in, even with the disadvantages?

From what you've said, part-time work seems to be the best option for you. You say your DH can't do any pick-up/drop-offs but bear in mind he has the right to ask his employers about flexible working as the parent of an under 6

(before I'm flamed, I know that making a request doesn't mean it will be allowed!)

that commute plus all the nursery drop off/pick ups sounds like a killer to me. Even just 3 days a week. Would you put your dd in a nursery nearer to home or work?
I've done an hour commute 3 days a week and it was exhausting - much more so than the 4 days a week, 30 min commute I do now.

I would investigate the "nearer to home" office first rather than commuting to london.
I'm assuming that would be a much reduced commute?

I think if you like your job, it has good prospects etc, I would always advise staying in work for the long term benefits that brings but I don't think I would advise that with an almost 3 hour commute everyday especially if your dh can do none of the nursery runs.
Why can't he btw, surely he can't work further away than you? He might need to step up to the plate here - it is unfair it all falls on you.

Thanks maxpower . Yes, he could request it I know, but there is barely a hope in hell that his place would request it! He works in an industrial manufacturing plant where he and other colleagues are often expected to stay late at no notice, do weekends and all sorts of other stuff. They pretty much own him, well it feels like it sometimes......

Molly - see my above reply to maxpower re: DH's job.

He actually works very locally, but has to be in work before nurseries open and may sometimes get out before they shut, but there would be no way he could schedule this in advance, so it's not something we could rely on for planning my hours with my em ployer. The nursery would be local to us though. DH wouild happily do nursery if he could, and he does loads with DD, but it's just not an option for him.

Also, the 1hr 20 door-to-door journey to work is to the nearer office..... It is nearer to 1hr 45 to London, and London is about £500 more expensive on the train!

I'm not exactly mad about my job or massively career-driven tbh, but my employer is huge with good benefits.

In your shoes I think I'd give it a trial run. Go back, and see how you're feeling after 3 months (or whatever time limit you want). It's one of those things where you won't know how you feel until you're there.

Just to clarify - the 1hr 20 was from my front door to the office, not to the nursery! Sorry if that was unclear, that would be insane!

wow. that is a long commute!

my nursery doesn't open till 8am and last pick up is 6pm so if your local nursery is similar, you won't get in until 9.30-45am (assuming all goes well on trains etc) and would have to leave by 4pm to make doubly, triperly sure you were there by 6pm.

Are those hours feasible in your job?

It is do-able but as I said before you will be knackered!

Could you work from home one day a week?

Well I have 3 DC and I've done it differently each time. First one I went back to work full-time (no option of part-time) and baby went to nursery at 5.5 months, after a few agonising months I managed to work from home for 2 days and had baby at home with me (amazing how much you can get done in a few hours when no-one around to interrupt you, did work whenever baby would allow). Second time I stayed at home, but got voluntary redundancy so that helped us for a couple of years, after which I worked part-time in retail at the weekends (and loathed it big time). Retrained and worked part-time when LO was in preschool and then took on more hours when moved to school. With third one I knew that there was no way I was going back to work, even though my job was the most flexible and child friendly one I'd had. I was acutely aware of just how quick they grow up and the sacrifice is sooooo worth it. We get by OKish but nothing spare for emergencies, I am self-employed but only do a little work here and there so it is not a part-time income, but it keeps me busy and my mind alert.

I really dislike the whole domestic thing, so I get out and about every day, usually a mother/baby or toddler group in morning, or a meet-up with friends and LO sleeps in afternoon before the school run.

I'd always say, if you possibly can, stay at home with your baby, you can never get those years back. You need less money than you think, I spend way more when in employment (office clothes, travel, childcare, coffees, lunch etc). If you find you can't manage, then there are evening jobs that perhaps you could do. They might not be your cup of tea, but you will be glad you were able to stay with your baby.

That's just my opinion, based on my various experiences. There will be many out there that totally disagree, so you will have to listen to your heart and everything else will fall into place!

Yes, the local nurseries are the same as this, so that's another problem. My work is quite good at people doing slightly different hours, so it would be worth me asking about the hours. Like you say, it does mean depending on the trains as well. Luckliy, I wouldn't have to do any overtime.

I think it would be pushing it on the working-from-home thing. They are OK with it in emergencies, if you're snowed-in, DCs ill etc. but firm's policy isn't keen on it as a regular arrangement.

Thanks tellyaddict. My heart says be SAHM, my head says...I don't know!! Aargh. I have brain-ache today. I think part of my panic is that I can't separate myself from the woman who's worked for all these years and now has this tiny little person changing her life! For the better though!

I know what you mean Species, our identities are often tied up with our jobs. You can still have time out from being a Mum to retain your identity, I suppose that's what I've done by becoming self-employed, I still have some non-baby 'work' to do, and I get money for it yay!!

Don't get me wrong, after 2 years at home (again!) I sometimes, on a bad day, think 'why did I give up my job?', but then my LO will do something to melt my heart, and I know why I did it instantly. I also know that when I do eventually go back, it'll seem like 5 minutes since I left!

It's such a tough decision, you can only really let your instincts decide, unless you absolutely cannot afford to stay at home, then the choice is made.

i think it is easier to do long commutes/long days etc with babies/toddlers.

It is MUCH harder once they start school as they need more help with homework, talking about day, remembering stuff they need for school, reading practice, friends round for tea, school holidays etc

I have one at school and one at nursery and my toddler is much less stressful to organise.

My plan is to maybe stop work or go very part time when dc2 starts school in Sep 11.

IMO it is better to keep a hand in at work in the early years so you have better bargaining power (at work) once they start school to change your hours/ work less.

Depends what job you do of course and what your employer is like.

I would go with your heart tbh
the commutejust dorsnt sound practical
I gave up my job so we could focus on dh's , it just wasn't doable with us both working

Thanks for all your replies. Going to bed now, maybe it will all become clear overnight...

hav only read OP so apologies if this has already been said, i'm to tired to read!

what do you do?? could you do something in the same field that would allow less hours. i know what you mean about staying in the work loop, ive been a SAHM for 5 years and have just gone back to work, albeit only 4 hours a week, but sometimes i feel totally thick about things that used to be so easy!!

i love being at hopme with the boys but it is nice to have a bit of 'grown up' time at work!!!

do you need to pay back maternity pay? could you try going back for as few hours as poss and see how it goes?

also would it be worth it to go back my SIL works 3 days with a 1hr commute into london, shes on a very good salary but after nrsary and travel its hardly worth it

hth, you'll know whats right for you

Hi,

Just thought I'd add my bit Will your company let you work from home? My office is a 2 hr 40 min (!!!) commute and before DS was born I only went once a week and worked from home the other 4 days.

Now I only plan to work 3 days and go into work once in 2 weeks which I hope will work out!

No, they wouldn't let me work from home, unless it was physically not possible to get to the office occasionally because of travel probs, weather, DC ill etc.

I've already checked that I wouldn't have to pay back mat pay.

I think I need to have a totally honest convo with my line manager this week and see where the land lies, as there isn't a massive amount of time left for sorting out nursery if I decide to bite the bullet.

Try part-time. You can always walk away from the job if you have given it a good go and it's not for you. Much harder to have a break and then look for 3 days.
Both times I have wondered whether to go back (for 3 days) and both times I have been very glad that I have!
Have you thought about a nannyshare instead of a nursery if the drop offs etc may be tricky and add to your travelling?

Hi there,
I agree with the others - give P/T work a go. I love working 3 days.

But the long commute could cause issues at times - like getting back to nursery if there's a problem with the trains/lines.
It sounds like you enjoy work, and the social side of it. But could you not get similar work nearer to home? You might get on well with those colleagues too.

My only concern is that if you're called out to your baby when he/she's unwell, and you're so far away, what would you do? Most nurseries can't give medication to your baby either, so what if you have to nip out to do that.
But then, you're reading a comment from someone who's having a real problem in that respect, and not all do. My baby's been ill since starting nursery for 10 weeks (I started her early to get used to it!), and I've only managed to go into work for 4 days out of 9 so far (since I returned 3 weeks ago).
3 days is good though.