Big decision - panicking & guilty

[mdm10]

hi all, I'm a newbie on here and this is my first post.
Feeling really panicky as I resigned my job a month a go (working 3 months notice). Resigned for lots of reasons...felt unnoticed, underutilised, not sure if it was what I wanted to do.

I have 2 kids and before Xmas, my daughter was sexually assaulted by a much older child at afterschool care. She is 5.(Not seriously, though this was threatened).This made my decision simple and immediate and so resigned.

The panic and guilt I now feel is because I am not sure we can afford for me not to be in work. I need to spend time with my daughter for her and my sake but feel guilty that i would even consider going back to work any time soon.
To add to this, I have just completed a big project at work which I have received amazing praise for and they now want me to reconsider my resignation!
Aargh! Advice welcome, please

Sorry you're feeling like that. It must be really hard making a decision like that.

Personally I do think that children thrive better when they are primarily cared for by one of their parents so I think you're doing the right thing being at home for her when she needs you (and your other child too).

Is there anyway you can negotiate some home-working or flexible working? If they want you that much, they'll consider it won't they? So that you can be at home as soon as school finishes?

I had to reply because although I've got no experience of being in this (awful) position you have my sympathy!

So ...

You've resigned and they've asked you to reconsider. This could work in your favour in that you've in theory got a bit of bargaining power - 'Well, I could only consider it if ...'. As Flamingo says you may be able to negotiate flexible working if they want you that much, so that you can pick up from school and then log on again after bedtime etc.

It might also be possible for this to be temporary ie a period of six months picking your daughter up and then gradually introducing another afterschool carer with a different type of setting?

Absolutely - you are in a fantastic bargaining position.

I have recently negotiated to do what was previously a full-time job on the basis of two full days a week, plus 3 days 9:30-2:30 only in term-time. And I can be flexible about where I do the hours, so I can usually be around at 3pm, even if I then finish up some work after the boys are in bed. My boss has recently said that no-one even realises I work part-time, which is mainly because I do a lot more than I'm contracted for, but to me it's worth that for the flexibilty and job satisfaction.

It's worth asking at least.

FWIW, although I love my job and am enjoying the challenge after 8 years in a more traditional part-time job that didn't stretch me at all, I wouldn't even consider taking on anything that meant I wasn't around when school finishes, or couldn't be at home for most of the holidays.

Thank you all for your comments and ideas.

I can't shake the notion that I'm letting her down by puttng money first. i suppose it's classic heart/head conflict.

Lisbey, your working arrangement sounds really good and is the first thing I've encountered that might work for me, if employer agrees.

I'll discuss with my husband and see how we go, though hubbie has previously said I should leave work and damn the consequences!

Agree with everyone else, you are actually in a great position!

However, remember that when you hand your notice in you will always get the, "Am I doing the right thing?" feeling. It's normal and it's you looking at it all through rose tinted specs.

Why not say you really need some time off (three months?) after which you would be interested in going back on potentially different terms (flexi, shorter hours, etc.). If they are worth working for and seriously want you back they will accept your terms.

A few months off may make you realise you don't miss the place anyway!

I think you resigned in a knee-jerk response of guilt and horror

Which is perfectly understandable

But you need to look at the whole picture rationally.

1. The incident happened at after school care. It could equally well have happened at school then. You cannot be with them 24 hours a day. So immediate resignation is not the solution

1. If you stay at home, you will become deskilled and the family as a whole will become poorer. Money isn't everything of course but that is the logical consequence of your actions

Why not use the leverage to get a better deal at work and work fewer hours?

Hi all. Thought I would update you.

I have spoken to my employer about binning my resignation and suggested significantly reduced working hours, similar to those of Lisbey.
I have also demanded that I retain sole responsibility for a smaller number of key projects , so that I don't end up deskilling myself and upskilling my "replacement".

Surprisingly, they have agreed in principle and it is now with HR.
The guilt is still majorly there but the panic attacks about our situation have gone. That leads me to believe that this is the best short term answer.

The hours I have suggested working are minimal so hopefully I should get a good idea as to whether we can handle me being a SAHM and we can make that decision later this year.

Thank you everyone for your help in this! I couldn't think straight and you have all really halped me reach some clarity.

Well done!

That's really great! Hooray!