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Original poster

"having it all" and I hate it

22 replies

nesomja · 20/01/2010 16:52

I went back to work 3 days a week about six months ago - I love my work and spent 9 years training to do it so it seemed really important to go back. I took a full year off and loved it although it did mean I did most of the caring. Now my dh looks after our son 3 days a week and is doing a course on the other two days because his work in IT was completely non-flexible and part time work wasn't an option. I know I don't want to put my child into childcare before he's at least 2 - partly because the research findings on nursery care are so bad and also because he is a child who really benefits from one-to-one. This of course means my husband isn't earning and I am the breadwinner. It's a struggle on my part time salary but we can just about manage it. The problem is that we are all unhappy (apart from our son who is loving it). I hate work and dread going in, my husband isn't sure that the course he's doing is going to work out and misses earning (although he wasn't very happy in IT before so it's not like he's left a career he loved). I am constantly exhausted and very rarely get any time off. I just don't know what to do though to change things - but I feel like something has got to give! Anyone else in a similar situation? I fantasize about handing in my notice and living on benefits but I don't think that would be any better really.

OP posts:
tabbycat7 · 20/01/2010 17:04

Could you reduce your hours? Or work from home sometimes? Could your husband investigate some other kind of work? Not all jobs in IT are inflexible and he might be able to get something that would allow him to work part-time or from home sometimes. Is there anything else that you could do that would be less hours/ allow you to work from home? I know lots of people who have worked as childminders while their kids were small, but apparently the paperwork's horrendous.

I'm currently on maternity leave with DS3. I work part time as a teacher, and I know what you mean. It's so difficult knowing what to do for the best. I like my job, but working part time left me feeling that I wasn't doing my job as well as I could,my kids were losing out and my house was a filthy tip.

Perhaps you and DH could list all your options. Sometimes having things written down makes things seem a little clearer.

Good luck

shoutymcshoutsmum · 20/01/2010 17:20

I went back to work 3 days a week when DD was 1 and then again when DS was 1.5. I worked Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I found I could cope because I knew I at the most only had 2 days to go till Wednesday. Do you have to do all 3 days in one go?

butadream · 20/01/2010 21:10

On the other hand you could try going full time for a bit and see if it is more fun at work that way when you can get it all done properly? You can also then afford more treats and nicer holidays with the family and pay someone to do housework for you?

Claireodon · 21/01/2010 14:48

Would you prefer it if things had stayed as they were i.e. your husband working full time and you staying at home? What about going back to that? Or if your husband wants to go back to work could you continue to work part time and consider a childminder instead of a nursery - much smaller and more 1:1 time? Is it your job you hate or being away from your son or the lack of money? I think its important for you and your husband to know exactly what needs to be changed for you to be happy.

llareggub · 21/01/2010 14:53

Are you absolutely sure about your views on childcare? I only mention this but with my first child I absolutely could not feed him anything but the most expensive, high quality or organic food. I wouldn't use anything processed, or convenient...he truly was a PFB!

I'm a bit more chilled out now and DS2 has all manner of things that I wouldn't have dreamt of giving his brother.

Nurseries are not terrible. Lots of children go to them but other childcare options are available. Childminder? Nanny? Combination of nursery and childminder? Seems a shame for you all to be unhappy because you have a view of nurseries that isn't altogether reasonable.

OrmRenewed · 21/01/2010 15:50

nesomja - I went through the same process when I had to go back to work after my second DC was born. Round and round in bloody circles! I was miserable. In the end I accepted that there was nothing I could do and I gave up worrying about it. And it got better - gradually, from that moment. Because I had this image in my head of what being a mum was going to be like, and it didn't look like the life I was leading. Once I had given myself permission to be the mum I was, it made it better. It didn't make me ecstatically happy but I stopped being desperately unhappy. I don't suppose that makes sense. But if you used to like your job and it hasn't changed materially the 'hating' bit has to come from you.

If you don't like nurseries btw you could try a child minder. Mine was wonderful - she made my life so much easier. It's one to one and much more 'like home'.

Good luck.

OrmRenewed · 21/01/2010 15:52

BTW I agree with what butadream suggested. I was part-time for 4yrs after I had my 3rd baby. It was much much harder than full-time IMO - I felt half-arsed at everything!

notyummy · 21/01/2010 16:09

Hmmm.

You know that making a choice to live on benefits should stay in the realms of fantasy. If you choose to hand your notice in then you won't be eligible for any help for the first period anyway.

You mention being constantly exhausted - but have 4 days a week when you are not working (i.e looking after your DS). I know that is hard work in itself - but how is giving up your job and then having to look after him full-time going to be any more relaxing if you feel you have 'no time off' at the moment?

I agree with the advice of your DH looking for something flexible or p/t within the IT industry. Do you want to leave the workforce altogether and for your husband to be the earning?

Concordia · 21/01/2010 16:14

i know what you mean that it is hard to do anything properly when you are doing half of everything.
in our family we have found that although it would actually make more sense for me to work from a financial point of view, i am happier at home and DH is happier at work. so i am giving up work.
it sounds like you need a rejiggle to make things right for you all.
remember whatever you choose it won't be for ever.

AnnetteTwitcher · 25/01/2010 18:57

My son has just started an excellent nursery, there are 2/3 babies per carer which is pretty much what you'd get with a childminder. Plus I don't have to worry about the childminder being sick/taking hols etc.

You are entitled to your opinion but not all nurseries are bad.

Would returning to work an extra day a week allow you to nanny share?

Like you say, it's hard to have it all!

cupofteaplease · 25/01/2010 19:04

I work 3 days a week and use a nursery for dd2 on those days. I would personally not feel happy about dh not bringing in any income at all. That may sound harsh, but I know he feels exactly the same about me- he'd never allow me to be a SAHM!

I'm not sure you can ever have it all.

Good luck.

jelliebelly · 25/01/2010 19:16

What is it about your job that has changed - you say that you love it but then go on to say you dread going in.

I'm not sure that dh staying at home to look after ds is necessarily the best option here - especially if nobody is particularly happy about it - both yours and dh unhappiness will eventually rub off on your ds. What don't you like about childcare? Lots of people use it and it may give your ds a broader spectrum of activity/experience than he currently gets.

It definitely sounds like something needs to change but there are lots of options to consider. You and dh need to sit down and agree what would work best in an ideal world and then try and get as close as you can to that situation (sounds easy doesn't it

jamaisjedors · 25/01/2010 19:30

I agree with notyummy, I don't see what you could change to be less exhausted, tbh if you're full-time at home you'll be tired too with a toddler and never have any time to yourself.

If you work full-time you'll have to fit the rest in in the evenings (although maybe you could get a cleaner/ironer etc.?).

Childminders are brilliant - possibly you are feeling at the end of your tether because you have no child-care option apart from your DH and yourself, a childminder would mean less co-ordinating with DH and leave you a bit freer?

Oblomov · 25/01/2010 19:55

Op are you o.k. why are you tired all the time. are you not enjoying yuor 2 days with you little one. does thta not compensate for the 3 ?
let dh go back f/t. get a childminder. 3 days work. 2 days off. bliss. thats what i do and my work/life balance is fab. i can't get why yours isn't.

butadream · 26/01/2010 19:08

Could something else be behind the tiredness? Have you checked your iron levels lately, for example - might be worth going to GP to discuss and have a blood test?

Georgimama · 26/01/2010 19:26

I don't work part time for this very reason - to do so would have made me feel that I was doing a half arsed attempt at my job (and no that doesn't mean I think the same of other women who work part time) and I had visions of just spending my week day(s) at home desperately trying to catch up on housework. No ta. So I work full time.

You've got 3 options really - work full time to support DH and DC; DH goes back full time and you work PT while DC goes to a CM, or DH works full time and you stop.

You had a year off and you went back 6 months ago so your child is what - 15-18 months old? Try a childminder. Honestly, mine is (like the others on this thread) wonderful. I think the key to being a happy working parent is to know that you have child care arrangements that you and your child are happy with. While it is in theory great that your child is with her dad, he's not happy, neither are you, and that's why it doesn't feel like this is working.

Orissiah · 27/01/2010 11:42

You work 3 days a week and are off 4 days with your child. Why are you so tired?

Yes work is tiring, looking after children is tiring... but why are you more tired than others in your situation?

That's what I'm not clear on... If you can explain more then we can be of more help...

Melaniefhappy · 27/01/2010 18:23

Hi

Agree with the others here that you need to be full and frank with your DH about what exactly is at the heart of the problem - i.e the real cause (hate job/want to be a SAHM or ...) not just the symptom (exhaustion, unhappiness).

Also, doesn't sound like you are getting much time to do fun stuff which makes all the hard work and exhaustion worthwhile (unless this is why you are so tired ... !!!!!).

So maybe you could pass the little one to a grandparent for the weekend and spend the time discussing with hubby and doing all the fun stuff you wish to, to give you the energy to put into place what you decide as a couple to do.

This way, you get to sort out the problem and to chill.

All the best,
M.

lovechoc · 27/01/2010 18:41

I worked PT after DS was born but was knackered from it, working three days a week. I handed in my notice and it was the best thing I ever did (for my own personal circumstances). For some of us it is tiring working and being SAHM. We're not all cut out for it (and that depends on the type of work you were doing before).

lovechoc · 27/01/2010 18:42

You need to discuss with your DH and as someone else pointed out you have three options to choose from, really. Good luck on whatever you decide.

compo · 27/01/2010 18:49

I'm thinking the same as orissah
you don't have the added stress of having to get your ds to nursery and pick him up, it doesn't matter if he is ill as your dh can look after him so you don't have to take time off
and both of you spend loads of rme with your child if you only work four days
sounds ideal to me!

compo · 27/01/2010 18:51

Just read op again, you work three days, why do you want more time off? Why do you hate your job, what is it?

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