Tell me how to time-manage better!

[Solo2]

Calling all self-employed lone parents!! I'm a lone mum of twins running my own business single-handedly full-time. Just about managing to juggle everything but constantly feel as if I'm drowning!

Can't afford outside help - like cleaner, secretary, accountant etc - so do it all, every day - and night. Entirely my own fault, as I've prioritised private education for DCs but this leaves nothing to save - and got no pension at all waiting for me when/if I ever retire!! There is no other income from and ex (I'm a Choice Mum), so what I earn is what we live on.

Kind friends just had the twins to stay for 2 nights - my third overnight break in the last 8.75yrs!!! - but this was just so I could do a year's worth of business accounts and submit my tax return online. I was able to focus day and night on this and got it all done - just! - but got no real 'me' time.

The house is in chaos. There are piles and piles or ever increasing clean and dirty laundry - that I never get time to sort, wash/ put away/ iron. The dishwasher gets used only every few days and otherwise, things stack up. I can only do anything for my business whilst DCs are at school - so I just manage the money-generating bit then and never get on top of the admin.

I could sleep less but already tend to average 5 hrs a night and am usually up by 5am to start the day before the DCs are awake at 6am.

Between 3.30pm and 9pm when DCs sleep, it's full-on parenting - but just of that day's priority tasks - making DCs supper, supervising homework/ fielding fights, bathing, bedtime, snacks for DCs etc etc.

Is there somebody out there with a similar set-up - sole parent and bread-winner with no family to help and not enough extra finances to pay nannies/ cleaners/ admin staff etc - who manages to cope without this daily sense of panic I feel?

Ever morning when I wake around 4.30am, I feel like I'm immediately on a fast-running treadmill and am up-and-running into the day's demands without a moment to stop and think how to do it better.

I read a book on Time-Management for Manic Mums but it kept referring to husbands/ grandparents etc and there are none of those in our lives.

I know I need systems in place to keep on top of the business admin., the domestic tasks and the DCs too! - but never get time to think/plan and manifest this.

Clever, wise women on MN, any suggestions please and shared experiences?

You really need to have a good think about whether private education is so important to you because you're clearly making huge sacrifices to afford it. Are your local state schools so terrible?
I'd suggest writing down what your life would be like in a year's time based on

a. Carrying on as you are, run ragged, unhappy, tired, skint, messy house, stressed mum, kids getting a reasonable education.

b. Moving your children to the best state school you can find, having more money to spend on fun outings together, a holiday, educational support ie. books, computer, private tutor if necessary etc., a cleaner (luxury!!), not having to get up ridiculously early as you won't have the pressure to earn so much...

I have friends who went to private school, and friends who went to state school, and there is little difference in their success or otherwise based on their type of schooling. What does make a difference is parental support, encouragement and inspiring an enthusiasm to learn and do the best that they can.

You sound like you're a great parent - sometimes it's good to stand back and look at the bigger picture. If you're constantly on the treadmill you need to be running towards the right goal.

I agree with cuppatea.

Also - what is it you do - could you swap skills/jobs with someone else? ie you do something for them if they did cleaning for you?
What ages are your dc's - can they help out a bit?
Can you do a huge load of stuff for the week on a Sunday night. I remember when I was a kid - 1 Sunday a month we all sat down and did a conveyor belt for making piles and piles of sarnies - then they all got put in the freezer.

Is it worth the extra delivery charge for getting online groceries? I think some of them do free/cheap deliveries at off peak times. Prob save the delivery cost in petrol.

To be honest, I don't think it's a question of time-management here. If you're starting at 4:30am and still not getting everything done, then I simply think it's a question of resources.

I have someone come in once every two weeks or so to help out with the ironing mountain and a bit of cleaning. I just can't do it 'all' (even though I've always assumed I needed to work harder or faster). My business goals/values and my personal goals/values don't include cleaning the oven.

I've found that paying someone x to iron while I make 3x during a phone call is far better maths. I really hope that you get some peace soon as it sounds to me like you're heading towards burn-out (I've been there, complete with newborn baby and a pile of bills).

Coudl you possibly afford/ house an au pair?

It might take some of the burden off you, even for a short while?

You said "The house is in chaos" - so I would recommend Flylady in particular setting up some routines - Morning, Afternoon, Before Bed - these to get the basics done.

If your DC are 8.75 years then it really sounds like they could be of help with chores around the house.

How about advertising on Gumtree for someone to do work experience with you to help out with some of the admin? Or perhaps you could ask around to see if anyone who knows of any graduates who are job hunting but would welcome some office experience?

These are great ideas. I think I'm just going to have to get a cleaner again. I did have one but found it quite intrusive as I had to tidy up before she came...well, FELT I had to tidy up! . The laundry is probably the biggest problem of all, secondly the state of the kitchen.... I've also been trying to save money recently, as the finances for the children's extracurricular stuff increases all the time but I guess I need to reconsider the family priorities.

I've glanced at FlyLady before but, ironically, never had time to read on/ apply anything!

The twins will only ever ever help out if I'm prepared to face a major family row/meltdown. Also, they get so much homework/ music practice, that I'm loath to enforce chores during the week. But I know they could do more.

Their education is my first priority BTW, and I'm really happy with the school they're at and which they had to do a stiff exam at age 6 to get into (academically selective). I'd sooner sell the house than take them away, though I realise many people won't share my views.

Routines for chores and admin. would help. So far I've not 'had time' to establish any!! Sometimes, I'll consciously monitor what I'm doing at each moment of the day and haven't yet been able to see any window of time unused to do anything more, except by sleeping less. I really do think that to achieve everything myself is actually impossible but I've sort of hoped I might be wrong and if I just worked harder, maybe I could make it work!

I don't have a room available in the house for an au pair and the DCs long outgrew any kind of childcare.

Does anyone know of any resource on the internet where you can type in your typical day or week, hour by hour and get someone to reveal how you could better manage your time, BTW - or even something in a book about this?

I've been averse to help with admin. because by the time I explain what needs to be done, I could've done it quicker myself and also because of the nature of my work, there's a problem with data protection and employees, so I can't have an informal student helper or someone.

I have employed a declutterer as a one-off in the past, which helped in some ways but she turned out to be so intrusive and invasive and bossy that I wouldn't use her again. I did get to base point of most things 'in their place' but managing to keep things that way, on a daily basis seems really, really impossible. EG my mail usually arrives after I've gone out to collect the twins from school at the end of their day - so no time to deal with it/ file it/ put away papers etc.

Often I find I have to make a choice between say making an urgent work call OR emptying the dishwasher OR paying a bill OR writing and sending an invoice OR preparing the twins' evening meal. Anything to do with the children always wins and secondly comes anything generating/ earning money for the business and everything else, including ensuring I get paid, comes lower down the list of priorities.

I've been on the go since 6.15am this morning (slightly later than usual) with no breaks and only stopped to check MN but should really have a go at the kitchen instead and need to begin the process of getting the twins to bed and ensuring one of them does his last piece of homework...Gotta go now!

I also run my own business (I am a translator) and although I do have a husband, he can't do much of the house work as he has really low vision (registered blind) so in effect I do most house work. I have two kids aged 2 and 5 (one in school and one at CM) and my MIL, the only family who lives near never has the children as she works and looks after my niece (My SIL is a single parent). So I think I know a bit about what you are up against ;)

It sound like you are working really hard and that you most things right - but you need a system and some routines for your house work.

Even if think you twins won't do any chores, you have to get them to do it regardless. How old are they? It's healthier for them to be part of the house hold than having you serve them. Sit them down and talk to them and tell them that they have to share the job of filling and emptying the dish washer. This will help you! Give them some sort of reward for this.

Get your food shopping online. This way you are forced to plan a weeks meals. You will very quickly get used to it and it's a great time saver.

You can look for someone who will do your laundry. It's a lot cheaper than a cleaner (if you don't use the local dry cleaner, of course, you need a local person who will pick up and deliver).

You HAVE TO get a book keeper and an accountant if you haven't already got it. I know it costs but the time you spend on admin is totally wasted. Some one trained will do it quicker and better.

Work out what your hourly wage roughly works out as. Then compare it to a cleaners. I am sure that yours is much higher than the cleaners! If you didn't have to clean, you would probably earn even more.

Example: Depending on the size of your house, a window cleaner shouldn't cost much. I had my 3 bed detached house done inside and outside for £20 this summer.

Another example: We moved this summer and I cleaned the old house myself. That was such a mistake - my hourly waged compared to a cleaners plus CM just didn't make any sense - and I didn't do a very good job either!

You also need to separate your work and your house work more. I am not great at it myself, I tend to end up on MN after a few hours work. But I have worked out that if I need a break from work, then it works very well if I do 15 min of ironing - then I am quite ready to work again ;) You can optimise your time the same way.

One of the great things about the Flylady concept is that you do baby steps and you gradually establish routines which free you up and you also learn to curb the perfectionism.

I am sensing some perfectionism (takes one to know one!) - you had to tidy before the cleaner arrived, reluctant to delegate the admin etc.

You asked for ideas about how you can better manage your time - you've been on the go for 12+ hours! I agree that it's not a case of you finding more hours etc, however there are ways to ensure that you don't waste time.

The best tip I use from Flylady is the concept of 15 minutes - set a timer for 15 minutes and get jobs done - also the principal of "do it now". It only takes a few minutes to load and unload the dishwasher.

Get into the habit of running the dishwasher after dinner every evening, then before bed open it up so everything dries overnight and then get your DCs to unload it just before breakfast. This then means that you always have somewhere to put the dirty dishes = instantly cleaner kitchen.

For laundry the Flylady way would be first to clear the backlog - so make an adventure with your DCs and take all the laundry to a laundrette and get the whole lot done and up to date.

Then the habit is to run the washing machine everyday at the same time then set a timer so that you know when it is finished it goes straight into the drier/onto the airer.

If using a drier get the clothes out and folded as soon as it finishes to minimise creasing - (this is my downfall) - then put away. Get this right and you cut down on the ironing. Get the laundry process running smoothly and you will never need to run around looking for things.

Decluttering - which you mentioned that you have done before - the less stuff you have, the easier it is to keep things tidy and instantly know where things are.

Keeping things in their place - I used to be so rubbish at this - and it still doesn't come naturally but I really found that as I gradually decluttered and surfaces became clear it was much more easy for me to notice things being in the wrong place and rectify them as and when without having to do a huge "tidy up". The flylady concept for this is a 5 minute room rescue where you set the timer and quickly straghten things up.

I am worried that by pushing yourself so hard you risk making yourself ill. By reducing your hours/stress levels you should minimise that.

It sounds like your DC are old enough for you to be able to have a serious chat with them about how they need to be helping you around the house and that the more they help the more £ you can earn.

See here and The Student Control Journal - if you can move to your DCs taking more responsibility for managing their homework and organising what is needed for school etc then this will save you time.

This post has been really helpful for me as although I know all this Flylady theory I am being rubbish at the moment at putting it into practice and I am trying to establish a business from home and facing severe procrastination/perfectionism issues. I have to say that I am in total awe of your phenominal drive and workload!

Could you make a list of all the 'non intrusive' stuff you face delegating? and then find a local 'girl friday' to help out - ie laundry (either at your place - or take to laundrette for service wash - mine only costs £3 for a full load, wash dry, fold)

Do your shopping online, get girl friday to run errands for you - post office, empty dishwasher. little things. or a friends teenager thats looking for a bit of pocket money.

I find the first 30 mins coming in from school to be the worst - I'd need someone to run after ds - getting him changed out of school clothes, into laundry, make a snack, put tv on for him etc. Luckily (?) my laptop takes this long to get powered up - so I switch it on and then do all that stuff.

But it does sound as if you need a major change of something - you've got another 10 years ahead of you with it if the kids stay till 18!!

You need to prioritise finding someone to help you around the house - a friend looking for spare cash, a student. But make the effort to find someone you like and trust and then delegate.

Where are you based? Maybe someone on here could help - and get someone to help on a monthly basis with your accounts - don't do a years at a time!

Think there's lots of good advice here - I would tend to agree that it sounds like you just need to decide which areas of your work can be delegated and throw some cash at the problem

Could the kids go to a breakfast or after school club or childminder for a couple of hours, say two days a week - and see that time as your house admin/business admin time?

I would also think that at nearly 9 your kids CAN help around the house - it doesn't need to be big things, just little jobs that are their responsibility (I don't think I'm good at this, but for example, my two - who are nearly 4 & 6 are expected to lay the table, clear their own plates, put any dirty washing in the basket & tidy their room at the end of every day). Paying them to help you would be much cheaper than paying anyone else

I think I'd also look at your 3.30-9pm time. That's a big time frame - what are you doing then? DO you not have slots where the kids are playing quietly (I often catch up on emails/admin at the dining room table whilst the kids play...)

Try www.eclocking.com

Brillaint responses! Many, many thanks. The consensus of opinion seems to be that I really have to delegate more, including making the DCs help. This latter is a REAL problem. After yet another mad dash pre-school run morning - despite me getting up at 5.30am, I blew up with the DCs and told them they just HAD to do more for themselves and then they'd have a happier Mummy and more good time with me.

They were angry, resentful, upset and finally compliant but by that time, I was dropping them at school and on to my professional working day.

But here's the problem....tonight, I pick them up, aware that I've still got several outstanding work emails/ calls to do but try to put that to the back of my mind. DCs are v tired (hence my avoidance of after schoo, care and they need to begin homework asap).

Help them to change from uniform to home clothes (One DS is dyspraxic and slightly Asperger's like BTW so needs lots of support still with self-care). This one gets straight down to his homework and finishes most of it within 20 mins. Major battle with the other one, (attentioanl problems, v fidgety and hyper at times) whilst at same time trying to start making their supper, feed cats, put wet clean laundry into dryer. Have to keep going back to this DC to help him with his Maths, encourage etc and all the time he's wasting time, distracted and wriggling in his chair. BTW, he's already had 30 mins since coming home to chill a bit.

Still making meal and suddenly other DS tells me he MUST have white PE kit washed and dry by tomorrow otherwise he refuses to do PE. Usually only wash it once/ week. Major argument, end up complying with him and find yet more whites washing to stick in too....It'll now be 4 hrs before this lot is washed and dried

Back to other DS, help more with his homework, whilst still prep. and cooking meal. DS finishes (though later discover he needs to re-do some sums). Listen to several messages on answerphone, move stuff off sofa so DS can watch TV.

Finish making meal, put it out for them and we all eat. One DS asks if he can help !!!!!!! Thank him but then as he goes to scrape his plate into bin, I realise all kitchen bins are overflowing and nowhere for him to do it ...so tell him to leave it. Go over his sums with him again. Call other DS to test on his spellings for tomorrow.

DSs suddenly decide that having just finished a huge nutritious meal, they're still hungry and ask me to bake some pre-bake bread buns and make them sandwiches, whilst they watch The Simpsons! Oh boy! yet MORE food to prepare!

Do this, rush to my PC and check emails and answer a few - and now on MN...aware that still haven't unstacked last of dishwasher, tidied up after supper/ snack, put out rubbish bags....5 loads of clean laundry to put away but two more loads to come out today...

Become aware that top priority tonight is to get DSs to bed much earlier as they're v tired, so decide not to have the battle to get them to practice piano x2, trumpet x1 and viola x1....feel v guilty and also resentful at amount of money I'm paying for music lessons if they won't practice but sort of blame self as they will practice if I sit with them and encourage them...

Now 6.55pm. Aware not had time to do anything further re. finding a cleaner/ girlFriday etc etc. Not finished the priority work stuff, house is a tip, had no 'quality time' with DSs, though tried to chat with them over supper...not sure I can face telling them to carry plates from snack rolls back into kitchen....Feel now at my most depleted - much better in mornings - and unable to face beginning backlog of laundry tasks or kitchen...would really really love to chill in front of TV tonight but haven't for almost 9 yrs...

Because I crash out/sleep when DSs go to sleep, I tend to get myself ready for bed around same time as children. They 'require' time in my bed to chat and be read to and read their own books from about 8pm till 8.45pm. So from now is the run down to that time really.

I've several times suggested that even once a week they get themselves off to bed so i can get on with stuff but they get v v upset and I feel guilty to deprive them of this special time as it's our only family/ bonding/ hug time.

What I really need is to begin with a clean slate, a tidy, laundry free home, cleaned and ready to put systems into place but I'm never ever going to get to that point. I've looked at FlyLady and it seems the idea is to do little and often to start. I'm an all or nothing person. So that's v v hard but absolutely necessary.

Now feel guilty that I'm on MN and not doing some useful constructive domestic tasks!...and must go now, right NOW and clean out cat litter tray and sort out argument going on below me!

It's v v helpful getting all your feedback. Please keep it coming, especially re. doing these after-school hours in a much better way!

I bloody hate homework! Why do they need to get so much? My ds is far too tired after school to do his and I usually let him do it in the morning when he's fresher - but he's only 6 so only has reading to do.

Do you work from home? Could you set a timer to go off 30 mins before you have to leave and then prepare as much as poss ie clothes in dryer, snack ready to go, dinner as much as poss, cat tray etc. You'd get far more done without the kids around and then less strssed while they are back home iykwim.
I also find it beneficial (but hard when emails are calling) - to spend 30 mins after dropping off at school in the morning to whizz round emptying bins, clearing kitchen etc. I try to drop ds off 10 mins early at school so I'm home a wee bit earlier to do the tidy and not impact on o/s emails.

Could you keep the number of times you do a wash down by buying more underwear and shirts? I get a loads of pants, socks and polo shirts so that I have 2 weeks worth - then I only have to do a wash at the weekends. I only wash school jumper and trousers once a week.

What is your routine at the weekend? Is there time to set aside for a major clear out/organise?

Yes, I work from home but today is typical - I was up from 5am sewing on name labels for DS2's replacement PE kit - he lost his original - packing school bags, cleaning cat litter/ feeding cats/ showering etc and getting ready for my working day - organising paperwork etc. DS2 up at 6.15am, got his bkfast and DS1 had to be woken at 7.00am, half an hr before we need to leave house and both needed a bath/ hairwash...so despite getting up so early, it was a rush.

Returned home by 8.10am with 20 mins only to grab bkfast myself, find a missing file for work, read some important notes for work and then begin work at 8.30am. Have a small 15 min break at 12.45pm for 'lunch' but MUST today make 3 urgent work-related tel. calls if poss. during that time. Finish paid work of the day at 2.00pm but must get to building soc. to get tax cheque to sen to Tax office and then post office / shop for DCs food, before picking up up at 3.30pm.

We'll get home at 4.10pm and then I'll start making supper, for them to eat by 5pm, fighting to get them to do homework/ music practice (total est. time if they focus is 1.5hrs with me having to stand over them most of that time!), whilst probably by then fielding more work calls/ doing paperwork, refereeing fights between DCs, emptying dishwasher/ re-stacking, clearing kitchen...

By 6pm I'll get half an hr clear to check emails/ calls again (DCs watch the Simpsons) but 6.30pm will need to ensure all homework got done, music practices etc and then begin the long trek to getting them to bed at a reasonable time and have some 'quality time' with them snuggling, from about 7.45pm to 9pm.

There won't have been/ hasn't been - a clear run of time in the day even to look at the laundry crisis or do even minimal house cleaning or put on a wash...or at least this is how it feels.

Yes I do just keep buying new clothes as there's so little time to clean the ones we've got! It's sad really!

I still can't find a better way of getting through these days.

W/es can be a bit crazy too and the mistake I make is to lie in and let the DCs come in for morning snuggless. If we got up at same time as weekdays, I could do more - but I feel exhausted by Sat. But then there's usually riding lessons for DCs, starting the w/e homework, laundry that's built up over the week, bkfast, lunch and supper to make and clear up after, emails to check, urgent business admin. to do, maybe a necessary town trip - eg this w/e got to get 2 music related things for DCs.

If I could retain my energy over the w/e, I could attempt maybe one major house-sort project - though might not finish. I find that I really want to slob around and take time to get started then, as we don't have to be up and out by 7.30am.

Now I've written all this I can see that there should be a better use of my time between 6.00pm and 7pm....need to think about this....

I can't help thinking you are trying to cram too much into your and their lives. an hour and a half music practice each night, homework, horse riding, weekend homework?

Surely you could do an electronic transfer of funds to pay tax? get shopping delivered?

Do you leave them for their riding lessons - you could nip to the shops then? or is their wifi somewhere close by?

I agree with TracyK, you need to take a critical look at the things you've listed on here:

• WHY do you have to cook more food for your kids if they claim they're still hungry shortly after a meal. In out house it's yoghurt/fruit/ perhaps a museli bar... not another meal!

• WHY do they have to bath/hairwash in the morning? Madness!

• can you iron while they do music practice (my favourite timesaver!)

Sorry, but you are going to work yourself into an early grave if you continue liek this . It's not about cramming even more in between 6-7 pm, it's about REDUCING all the things you take on, or lowering your standards a bit/ finding shortcuts etc.

Do you have to cook every night? Do you have a nice farm 'cook' shop (or similar) where you could get a couple of oven-ready meals for twice a week?

Does their school have homework club after school? Could they go there for an extra hour a couple of times a week?

I'm not meaning to be critical, because I've been like this myself - you just get onto the 'hamster wheel' and keep running, thinking, "if only I could go a bit faster"

Have you thought of making a list of the greatest 'time-users' in your day (except work) and then looking to see how you could delegate them/ farm them out?

Solo2, if you carry on this way you will burn out before long. Your body cannot tolerate this level of stress and overactivity, and one day it will collapse and refuse to comply with your wishes. You HAVE to change things seriously, and NOW.

There's great practical advice on this thread already; I would add that you need to reassess the way you view yourself - and be brutally honest. If you view yourself as a martyr/ the only person who can do all this stuff/ in any other role, then that will explain in part why you put yourself through this all.

I didn't read your answers to the questions about why you're paying for private education, but that's the first obvious area that will totally transform your life - it will save you £1000s if you can transfer your children to a good state school. And that will massively reduce your stress levels. So, while your children will have to cope with settling into a new school, the huge benefit for them (and you) will be that they'll suddenly have a less stressful, irritable mummy, who has more time for herself and for them.

Then you'll be able to afford a cleaner (ESSENTIAL!!!) and pay him/her to handle your laundry as well - saving you £100s on clothing.

I think you need to be sensible about this; from what I read it sounds as though you've been extremely impractical in the way you arrange your already highly-pressureised life - I don't mean that as a criticism, but as a statement of fact. You have to be realistic about how much you can achieve without killing yourself, and set boundaries for yourself.

Good luck.

Thanks for the blunt feedback. Think I'm stuck in an unhelpful mindset really and yes, I do feel I ought to be able to 'do it all'. My elder sister is classic Nichola Horlick-type SuperWoman and I've tried to be both like her - with the career/business success and like my own late mother - who was a SAHM. But my sister (now divorced) has always had nannies, full-time housekeeper and 3 living at homw much older adult DCs to help out with her domestic life and her 11 yr old twins. My mother had only the DCs and house and I'm trying to do it all. My brother is a hugely successful professional too (both sibs earn 10 time and more than I do) but has a SAHM wife who does all the childcare/ domestic, plus his in-laws help too.

I've tried to apply these models to my v diffreent scenario where basically I'm everything to everyone all of the time and I feel like a failure if I can't keep it all going myself.

A useful thing to come out of your feedback is that I'm right in thinking my life is impossible, the way I've mad eit and that it's not just me failing to do it all.

I'm going to get a cleaner/ housekeeper and cut back on other expenses and also train the DCs to help out more and be more independent.

I'm still happy with the DCs schooling but can look at cutting finances elsewhere and not being their slave all the time.

I made a proactive choice to have them - totally on my own - and sort of then feel I'm obliged to be the best mother in the world but actually they're hugely privileged in so many ways and certainly have so much more than I had as a child - both in terms of love/ nurturing and material things.

I don't think I can change it all overnight but at least I feel less a failure now and more solution-focused.

Thanks again

Hurrah!!! Well done, Solo2. You've done something really challenging - tbh I was expecting you to come back with lots of excuses. But instead you've been painfully honest with yourself and enabled yourself to find genuine reasons why things aren't working and good solutions. Wow. Some people take years of therapy to get this far (I'm not joking!).

I am really impressed by your response and wish you oooooooodles of strength, self-belief and determination as well as fun and rest as you work at making your life work better.

Oh, and a useful phrase someone told me once: 'Don't compare your insides with other people's outsides'. You've identified the many, many reasons why your family members are able to do it all, i.e. not one of them has done it all like you have! But don't forget that when you look at them as successful, you don't really, really know what's going on in their internal world, not like you know your own. So it's not a fair comparison to look at them and find yourself wanting.

FWIW I think you sound bloody amazing. So all you need now is some good, old-fashioned rest.

Solo2 I was mulling over this last night after reading your posts and think you really are trying to do too much. A coupl eof things that spring to mind are

Dinner - this could be a pasta dish easy and quick to prepare add veggies to it or have a big slad with it or chopped up raw veg if necessary. My ds ofter has carrots/peppers/cucumber with his pesto pasta. Pudding is a yogurt. I can either eat with him ( get it out of the way, make sure they eat all up ,catch up on their day) or warm it/have it cold later. if you do make spag bol etc freeze batches, do mash? freeze it into portions for a quick fix on evenings you are struggling. Also agree with others if hungry after tea I offer/fruit/musili bar or weetabix/bowl of cereals as option all of which can be got themselves.

Food shopping - get it delivered! works out cheaper. I use Ocado and pay 8.99/month for as many deliveries ( over £40) as I want as I do at least 3-4 per month works out v cheap.

Children - get a rota of stuff they have to do - changing out of uniform and putting on a chair neatly for next morning, what else do they need for the next day spend 1/2 hr at bedtime before they get in sorting this stuff out and getting ready for the morning. Start saying NO to unreasonable demands. get them to take it in turns to get say b'fast stff ready/stack dishwasher/put stuff in laundry basket/sort washing. Bath them night before- calms them down ready for sleep. I always put washing away whilst they are in bath. or even doing music practice.

Other stuff - only do washing on say 2 days per week 1 darks/1 whites and only put away once per week ( does mean I have a mountain in the airing cupbpard by weekend but hey doesnt matter. I also make sure DC have loads of pants/socks/vests/school uniform stuff so there isnt a critical washing breakdown iyswim

Ist off get cleaning come in to do a major spring clean -spend 1 weekend getting back to normal with washin etc, tell kids they HAVE to help - you are the BOSS believe it.

Also work paperwork - do it once/week have a tray and deal with it once! have a to-do tray with stuff/admin that needs to be dealt with/actioned and do this once per week too. Don't do music practice EVERY night set say 2 weeknights and once at weekend if they are resisiting massively - do they really want to do it??????

Can a friend share trip to out of school stuff, I share tennis lessons and 4 kids go straight from school so each week just 1 of us takes all of them hence only have to take them physically 1/month gives me an extra 40 mins in the afternoon before i have to pick up.

I do feel you have to have military powers often to succeed with these things.

I have been where you are and am probably a bit too far the other way now but HTH

if realised there are more than a couple of things here - also apols fpr awful typing have a broken middle finger at moment!

Hello you could be me, I haven't read all the replies but from your OP we sound like we have very similar lives. I have two DC's and work freelance from home, so basically I never turn work down because you never know when you're going to hit a dry spell.

I felt very much like you, on a hamster wheel and not achieving much. In about October/November last year I felt I had to address my life because I was struggling so much.

Firstly I addressed how much time I procrastinated during the day, you know 5 mins on Mumsnet etc. So now I drop the DC's at school and then I come back to my desk and I work, work, work. If I have to take a 10 min break from the computer screen then I put on the washing or wipe the bathroom round or just do a quick job. Then back to my desk. I've taken to sending the DC's to the breakfast club at school this extra hour in the day makes a huge amount of difference.

My DC's get a big lunch every day at school (it costs me £8.00) so I figure they don't need two huge meals a day so tea is pasta, baked potatoes or even sandwiches. I would never ever make a second meal after tea was finished, they eat their meal and have yoghurt and fruit, the rule is there is nothing else afterwards except maybe a piece of fruit.

I do ironing twice a week Wednesday and Sunday and I take it upstairs and put it away straight away. I don't iron pyjamas, sheets etc - life is too short.

My DS has dyspraxia and slight AS too, I've just resigned myself to the fact that he needs my time so the time the DC's come home from school they have my attention with homework, piano practice etc. Sometimes I cheat and deal with emails while they're in the bath but the computer is on the landing. I only wash hair twice a week. I've found laying clothes out for the DC's in their bedrooms before I go to bed means they can get themselves dressed, we have breakfast, wash faces and get out of the door in 45 mins in the morning. Sports bags, snacks etc, bags packed always the night before. It takes 5 mins before you go to bed but in a morning it seems like 15 mins of running around like a headless chicken.

Try doing the Fly Lady it has helped me I have little routines that just keep on top of the housework so at least it looks presentable. I tend to do a bit of housework for an hour or so on an evening but don't break my heart if I can't fit it in.

I hope things improve for you, I think it is down to organisation and also not worry about the little things.

Well done Solo - you've done well.

I think your priorities should be -

1. finding some paid help (or barter with someone) - you've obv been bitten before with the declutterer - but there must be better/more helpful people out there.

1. Find some inventive ways of getting the dc's to help willingly with some chores.

why not make them in charge of after tea snacks - ie let them loose with the brea, buter and jam and say you will judge the best sandwich? or crackers and cheese? If I can't be bothered making ds something - I just lie and say we are out of it!

Get them to help put ironing in the correct rooms - maybe not put it all away - but at least in the right place - or -
Do they have their own rooms? My friend has 3 ds and she has a basket for each persons clean clothes - so she fills them up as she irons and then takes each basket to each room - easier than 1 huge pile.