What is more important? Enjoying my job or enjoying the location of the job?

[worklifebalance]

I've namechanged so if you recognise me please don't say.

I work full time (NHS professional). DH made redundant a year ago so it's down to me to keep the money coming in while he sets up self employed business.

Last summer we moved to be nearer my family for a full time permanent dependable job for me although a grade lower than I really am.

The job is crap. I feel patronised and undervalued by my manager and I feel my confidence and motivation being sapped by a miserable team with a culture of bitching.

But I really like living in the area. We have family support here (something we lived without for 6 years and missed). I have old friends here and enjoy the quality of life, have joined clubs, taken evening classes. The school is great and DS1 has settled really well and wouldn't want to move him.

But I can't see how my career can progress in the current management and lack of opportunities in the area, so i'm worried that this is it. Stuck in a shit job. (with my own questionable mental health history that is boosted by having family/friends around)

Tonight i applied for another job which is right up my street and something i've enjoyed before, an appropriate grade/salary,but it would mean moving again. DH doesn't mind moving again. But it would be in an area where we have no family/friends.

So what is more important?

Thanks for reading this far. Any help in thinking this through rationally would be appreciated.

I don't know what the answer is either. I've now given up two 'dream jobs' because I couldn't cope with travelling the distance every day to get to them. I initially moved to the new area to be close to the job but was unhappy hence the long commute. This means that I personally disagree with the 'job over area' thing because in my experience you can't do even a dream job if you are desperately unhappy where you are living. I have realised I am personally happier living near people I know and feel comfortable with, but everyone is different.

Am now in a very boring job compared with my last one, ten minutes from my house. I am expecting a child so currently putting up with it. But even when I look at jobs I would technically be qualified to do post baby that require a commute my gut instinct seems to sway me from being that interested. I am just hoping that something better will come up in the organisation I am bored in. If it doesn't I'm not sure what I will do. I will say though, that it sounds like you have employment issues that won't necessarily not be there in a new job - you can't guarantee it. It sounds like, step down aside, you have a personality clash with your manager and co-workers. I've been there too and it sucks and there is nothing worse than dreading going into work.

However I'd suggest raising it with your manager and/or HR as there may be something that can be worked out in your current location - transfer to a new team or new manager. In the past I have always not said anything and gone quietly,but looking back I wonder if I could have changed things by speaking out and/or insisting on change which would have made my life more bearable, even if the job wasn't challenging me at that precise moment.

Sorry, long post! By the way I personally find the work threads much more interesting than the relationship ones!

Are you living in the middle of nowhere?

Sounds to me like the area is right and the job is wrong. You therefore need to seriously put your feelers out and see what else is out there. Don't worry that you've only been there 5 minutes. If you are working with and for the wrong people in an undemanding job you will doomed to a life of misery.

Life is a journey. You need to move towards a life that makes you feel great both personally and professionally. Unfortunately, it sounds as if the financially responsibility is falling on your shoulders. If so, grit your teeth and soldier on but hold the belief that the situation is temporary and things will improve. You can't appreciate the highs unless you have the lows I'm afraid!

some good advice here, thanks again.

yes, i'm in the middle of nowhere-ish.

the upsides of being in the middle of nowhere are the quality of life and cost of living, have to be weighed up against the downsides of being surrounded by narrow-minded people or people who have been put in a position of responsibility due to a lack of other interested parties.

I am holding it together mostly but miss leaving work with a feeling of job satisfaction. instead, i'm just happy to have survived the day without a run in with my manager (who isn't based in the same location thankfully). I can avoid her on a day to day basis but i'm concerned for any future career progression in light of such a crappy working relationship with my manager.

Hmmm... Yes, I like the idea of living in the middle of nowhere but thoughts of inbreeding and disaffected yoof predominate my thoughts. Sorry, only joking!

Well, your home life sounds sorted to be honest so if you can get work cracked you'll be laughing.

Unless your boss or team get struck by lightning, in reality nothing is going to change. You either have to learn to live with them and their funny ways or move on. Personally, I think the latter is what you need to do. You cannot change other people and there will always be people you do not 'click' with.

Perhaps the best thing to do is to decide how far you are realistically prepared to travel for work. Don't kill yourself. Maybe set yourself a radius of 10 or 15 miles or a maximum journey time of 30 minutes then start looking. Keep an open mind and see what comes up and what you get drawn to. Life is full of wonderful surprises so you never know what is around the corner!

Also, even if you do live in an area where jobs are a bit few and far between remember it doesn't matter that there aren't loads of jobs to apply for and interviews to go to, you only need one job. It can be hard I know, but try to keep the faith and the right job will find you.

Visualising yourself handing your notice in also helps!

Hi I am in the same boat as you - although work in a local authority,again two grades below what I was doing pre-DD.
I have decided to ride it out as looked at it from DD and DH's viewpoint current area is great, they have made friends and that keeps me going. Secondly I try to look for the good points in my job (invited someone out from another dept out for lunch last wee - there is always someone that you click with somewhere esp in big organisations, it does mean that I am keeping my hand in the workplace. Finally it gives me a way of making networks with other professionals so am spending time building up contacts in professional association etc and presumably NHS would have local/ regional professional groups you can join. Also volunteer on cross- organisation projects again a chance to meet other people.

All this can be done and gives me a positive glow (despite incompetent boss and direct team colleagues who are very down). Don't get me wrongI am not that noble and it does get me down from time to time (glass of wine and hot bath time)

It is good though to remind yourself it is just a job. Yes work is big chunk of time (can you afford to go down to 4 days a week?) but what matters at the end of the day are friends and families (recently had horrible miscarriage and so value that support being on my doorstep, so to speak)

HTH

Hi wlb,

Lots of good advice here, and mine will be fairly similar. You're doing the right thing by seeking new opportunities elsewhere - that alone will hopefully perk you up a bit as it will give you a sense that there is a route out of this current hell.

Since you're currently in hicksville, I wonder what is the likelihood of people like your manager moving on? Do people tend to stay in their jobs for a long time? I tend to assume that the NHS can be a bit like the civil service in this regard, though I may be wrong. But it's worth bearing in mind as you consider the 'sticking it out' route.

Another thought is that you survived being 9-12 hours' drive from your family for...quite a few years? Therefore imagine you're moving from that to 2-3 hours away - obviously that's not what you'd be doing if you took the other job, but since you've somehow managed the cross-country separation, 2-3 hours will definitely be doable.

IME being in a job that gets you down with a crap manager is one of the worst things for breaking your spirit and turning you into someone you don't want to be. I became a right caa in such a job several years ago, then moved to a new team with a fab new boss (same company though) and was transformed literally overnight - it was like a cloak of doom had been lifted from my shoulders and I could be myself again. I regret having stayed for 2 years in a job that clearly wasn't going to get better (said manager is still at company - I left his team 6 years ago), although it did help me to move into my next position, and I've also learned from the experience. Those are the only two plus sides of having stayed in that job!

Obviously each situation is unique, but I would definitely go for job first in your situation. You can get to know the new area by doing lots of good research in advance of making your decision; also don't forget that having young children will make it much easier to get to know people.

If you haven't already, do list all the plus and minus points - and get your DH/ extended family members to help you do this.

Best of luck, mate!

Thanks.

I'm thinking that the fact that it's nearly 3am and I can't sleep for worrying about this is NOT a good thing.

I will be too tired to work tomorrow and feel crap for that.

Family members think I have a case to claim that I have been harrassed by my manager regarding a particular incident.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I'm sure you can't discuss the incident on MN; if you like you can always email me - though I'm not an employment expert. How about calling ACAS? When I once had reason to call them I found them very helpful - factual, neutral (as they act as a liaison btw employer + employee so they won't take sides) but still useful.

How was work today?

This thing is taking over your life, wlb. You need to do something serious otherwise it will damage all the things you enjoy about life and about being you. I daresay the damage won't be permanent; you'll bounce back once the situation changes, but until that happens you'll go on becoming more and more miserable. Are you prepared for that to happen?

You do need to take some sort of action. Life should have small peaks and troughs but generally you should feel happy. Worrying and staying up until 3am is not normal!

What do you really feel like doing at the mo?

I'm feeling a bit calmer now. I made it into work on only 4 hours sleep and feel good about that as avoided having to raise the issue with my manager that she fucks me off so much i can't sleep.

Last week I had pointed out to my manager that I feel unsupported. This week my supervisor finally stepped up and did this. I've been there 6 months without a 'supervision' session and it felt good to finally feel that i'm not alone with my caseload. Although I was criticized for some things I did actually agree and feel that areas I have been crap at recently have been because i've been so tired and stressed and feeling devalued and got to the point of not giving a fuck.

We've come up with an action plan and my supervisor recognises what she calls, 'a clash of personalities, where both as stubborn as each other meets' as has offered to be a go-between to allow me a break from communicating with my manager where possible.
I plan to keep my head down while I recharge my batteries a little.

Long term. I don't know. Surely avoiding all contact isn't a long term solution, but maybe for me to have the quiet life that we moved here for then i have to just keep out of her way. I'm not hoping for any great promotions for a good while anyway, as working full time with 2 kids etc means that i would like the job to be as simple as can be.

yes, peaks and troughs is right. Maybe i've been panicking at what is obviously a trough. I'm so fearful of a trough turning into full blown depression, as it really would be a disasterous situation for us.

I'm very tired from going to full time work and miss having more time with the kids. maybe the situation therefore wouldn't change by changing jobs, maybe it's the hours and the tiredness that are making me feel so low, and so bothered by arseholes.

not enjoying work.
missing the kids.
feeling weight of responsibility.
very glad of family support right now.
very glad of mumsnet right now too.

Aww, wlb, I didn't realise/ forgot you'd gone from pt. That will of course have a huge effect on how you feel about work - not to diminish the work problem itself, but just to say that your transition to f/t will add more to your overall sense of stress and frustration.

So glad you had a positive, constructive meeting with your supervisor and that she clearly understands the situation. Do you feel even a little bit lighter about things now?