I just need to say I'm struggling being on maternity leave. Don't think I'll make it to a full year....

[dontrunwithscissors]

...and I haven't even had the baby yet. I love having more time to spend with DD, but I'm starting to get so bored with nothing else to balance out my days. I'd planned to take the full year off, but I'm thinking that I'll probably be more than ready to get back once this baby is 4-5 months old. I feel so guilty saying that (and I don't think it will get any better once I've had the baby - I find the whole baby stage very, very hard work.) I've already had the midwife look at me as if I have two heads when I said I'd be going back to work full time. I'm normally very secure in my identity as a working mum, and happily tell anyone who judges me to sod off. But the fact that I'm going to find it so difficult to be around for the first year of DC2's life is making me second guess myself. It's not that I don't want to spend time with them - I've spent the last couple of years working late into the night once DD is in bed to minimise the time she spends in childcare. Arghh, I'm not too sure of the point of this post really. I suppose I just needed to put it down somewhere, and see if anyone else can identify with me?

I just wanted to add that I hope I haven't offended anyone who wants to stay away from work, but can't. Each to their own....

I was pleased to go back to work after DS1 and 2. I did enjoy my time off, but then it was summer and we were in the park all day! I wuld say go out and find toddler groups (Sure Start do good ones) just to get you out of the house. Plus it means your toddler can run about while you sit and cuddle/feed your little one. And other mums are always nice to people with tiny babies

i can certainly identify with you, and it has also taken me a while to be able to be honest and put aside my guilty feelings - and admit that i dont find home life fulfilling. my lovely boy is 6 months old and i am so happy that i can give him a full year, but i honestly believe that he wouldnt be getting the best of me if i stayed home longer than that - he would be getting a disappointed, bored, boring shadow of my former self. my job is hugely satisfying to me, and i want him to grow up seeing me come home from work excited with wonderful tales to share with him. embrace your time at home and then embrace what you can offer your children as a working mother. i cannot believe that anyone can stand in judgement of a woman who works and has children. if it still happens, its disgraceful. staying at home for longer than a year suits some, and doesnt suit others, its as simple as that.

ps - i have joined a good health club with friendly creche - which gives us the best of both worlds- he gets sociable time with new toys, and i get exercise time and sauna time! lovely.

I gave up work completely after my first child was born. I felt pretty guilty and like a failure, I suppose, for admitting that I didn't actually give a toss about my big, successful career any more and just wanted to be at home with my baby.

Fast forward four years, to the birth of my second child. I couldn't wait to get back to work. I'd just reestablished my career and was absolutely loving the sense of achievment and identity I got through it. I went back full time when she was 5 months old and I will happily admit that I loved going out the door every morning and leaving the domestic drudgery behind.

You are damned if you do and damned if you don't, so please - don't spend another minute feeling bad. Far better to be honest about your feelings and base your lifestyle on what suits you as a person, not on what you 'should' or shouldnt be doing according to others opinions.

Agree; we are all different. I took 4.5 months with DD1 and was happy to go back, 6 months with DD2 (up next month) and I am v ready to go back. In an ideal world I'd work part time and have the best of both; but then there is reality!! I have always thought my girls do best from quality time from me; evenings, weekends and any other slots I get when I am fully engaged because I am happy. I know plenty of SAHMs that never seem v engaged with their kids as it's a 7 day a week 24 hour a day job and that would be hard for anyone.

OP here. Thanks for your replies-it's comforting to read them. I've realise that what's at the forefront of my concerns is that I was spiralling into PND by the time DD was 4 months old. I desparately wanted to return to work, but don't think I would have been capable. Anyway, I suppose I just need to take one day at a time.

I'd love to go back to work (freelance work at home is just not the same), but there doesn't seem to be any prospect of it, sadly, not in my previous career.

However, just wanted to say you aren't being mad or unreasonable or weird.

If you like your work, go back when you feel ready. Your DCs will thrive best when their parent is happy. For an employer, one year is a long time off.

6 months off was the norm when I had DS1. I would have been hard pushed to stay sane with 12 months off; so with DS2 I took 6 months as well. That wasn't quite as bad, and I could have managed longer at home, but didn't want to push my luck at work. I think part of what motivated me was the settled return to work date, and sticking to it.

No not odd I struggled by the end of the yeqar with DD1, now expecting DC2 in May and know its going to be a struggle....I think staying at home is harder work than going to work and sharing the household stuff with your DP!

Hi dontrunwithscissors- we met on a thread before talking about managing when you go back to work. I went back with both kids early out of choice. I thought with number 2 that I might feel like i needed more time. But I didn't and when he was 8 weeks old, I was in work negotiating a part time early return. It worked wonderfully, I did a 3 day week and he went to the CM for 4 days when I first went back at 9him being 5 months). I had a day off for me and a day with both my boys plus work. It was the best summer ever. I do not judge others for their choices and would prefer not to know what others judge of me. I would go crazy if I was not busy and work helps me to be a balanced person. I know others look sideways at people like me who choose to work and choose to go back early so I do prefer to play it low key. I am happy with me and how I do things and I think that must be your most important set of criteria- if you are happy, your family will be happy

Hiya, I took 3 years as a SAHM with ds, who was my first, and 3 months with dd, who was my second. I was DESPERATE to go back to work, hated being at home second time around. I hate the baby years too. A friend even said to me "yes, 4 months, she's probably starting to bother you now, you definitely need to go back" - I loved it.

Good on you for being honest with yourself. I am on mat leave for 2nd time, due back to work part time in Feb and I am looking forward to it. I know my situation is slightly different as I am part time but I am finding it difficult being a SAHM at the moment.

As someone else said it is fine in the summer - we had a lovely time then but its so hard to find stuff to do now and we are lucky if we can manage a walk with the current weather. Also I hate toddler groups and am seriously running out of ideas to pass the time now.

Obviously love the DC's to bits but miss adult company, using my brain and getting smartly dressed in the mornings.

I feel guilty for admiting that I am looking forward to being back at work. I just think I am not good with having too much time on my hands. I also know DD misses nursery and loves it there.

I haven't enjoyed being on maternity leave either. LO is 8 months, just given 8 weeks notice to go back (a few weeks early). Everyone's different and people want to judge you for everything. I think very often people who don't understand why you want to go back to work never actually liked the job they did.

When I went back to my company after first baby, most popele did not even know I came back from mat leave. I kept it really quiet (big company- they just thought I had moved job). I just find it works better if you are in this kind of frame of mind to want to work not to let put yourself in the position of being too open. Honest, it is not what you think, it is all the external pressure about being the perfect mom. I respect women who choose to stay home- they are more patient then me.

You should do what you want, of course - but don't forget you don't need to decide until a month before you want to go back. I wouldn't make any decisions 'til then, personally.

Thank God for this thread. I was having a real crisis of conscience last night. DS is 2.6, in full time childcare and loves it. We are TTC dc2 and I'm thinking to myself, how long to I have to take for mat leave this time? I took seven months with ds and spiralled into PND during that time. Not saying that would happen again but I still get the sick feeling in my stomach when I think about those days...

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who really wants to get back out to work.

I went back to work full time when my 2 eldest were 14 weeks! ( you did only get 18 weeks statutory at that time and I was late with both of them).

It really didn't occur to me to take longer. Having said that, I took longer with dc3. I was in a different frame of mind then.

Oh, your post rings so many bells with me. Other than checking out any local groups to try to meet other mums (including those who don't just want to talk about children all the time), I just wanted to write to say I think I know pretty much how you're feeling and there are lots of us out there!

I too sometimes feel like there must be something wrong with me as I am planning to return to work full time. I love both my boys dearly but I remember from my first maternity leave that there were many days when I was practically climbing up the walls! I am lucky enough to live in an area where there are Sure Start Groups and they were a life saver the first time around. However, this time, my days have been geared around number 1 son and his part time pre school place so I have hardly been to any of the groups aimed at my baby as they are no fun for a boy who is nearly 5! I am very lucky to have some friends with children locally. I love them dearly anyway but, frankly, don't know what I'd have done without them over the last 8 months. I do feel guilty, almost as if I'm wishing away my boys' childhood. However, I know I am not cut out to be at home all the time. It is just not me. There have been times when I wish I felt differently (especially given headaches of finding childcare!) but I don't. Now, that my elder boy has started school I will go to more groups with my 7 month old and I know I will enjoy it. However, secretly, I am looking forward to going back to work in the not too distant future and having a bit of the old me back. In an ideal world, it would be part time but that doesn't work for my job so for the time being at least it'll be back to lots of juggling

I hope that you find a way to reconcile the different bits of your life - there is nothing wrong with the way you feel, though if you are like me, you'll put yourself through the wringer! Good luck with everything

Thanks for all your replies (and apologies for not responding yet - Xmas and New Year got in the way.) I popped into work for an hour before Christmas and I didn't want to leave. I'm going to look into baby groups, although I'm not sure what I can attend with a 2.9 year old in tow. (TBH I tried some groups with DD, but they just made me feel more isolated. I'll try again, though.) I do like the idea of finding a gym with a creche! (God knows I'm going to need some exercise to shift this baby weight.)

It's all so difficult - I think I'll be desparate to go back to work by the summer, but I need to be capable of doing my job. (DD was a nightmare sleeper, and I was barely conscious for some of the days I was at work in the first few months!). Anyway, I've got the minor task of actually giving birth, first....... 6 days to my due date.

I was always like that on maternity leave, and bounced back happily into work at 4, 5, 3 months. I used to feel so displaced on maternity leave.

and it's not because I'm a total workaholic either, I'm fine working part time, and these days (dc are all primary age now) I really like taking time off with them, in fact I work less now than when they were babies. But maternity leave, being off full time with a small baby, was always difficult.

I felt relieved to read your post, dontrun, because it has taken me weeks to realise I am missing work, and am not cut out to be at home full time- I have taken a year off, and am going back to teach in September. I love being with ds, but really miss the bustle of being at work. All the days at home seem to run into one, if I'm not careful!Also scared about leaving him. Very paradoxical !
Best of luck with the birth

there have been times i have thought i must go back to work early before i lost my mind!everybody's different and its too tempting to judge ourselves by the few people we do come into contact with on maternity leave.there seems to be a certain stigma with admitting you'd like more than making up feeds and washing bibs which though ridiculous makes you feel as if you don't love your child enough.i'd like to congratulate you on having the bravery to voice this, only one other person i spoke to said the same and i'm sure there must be many more!for the record i took 8 months off in the end,love my son more than anything in the world but still want to use my brain and have social contact!

I had a nightmare maternity leave as just before I went on leave I discovered my marriage was about to fall apart. So I had a traumatic month off before ds was born and then when he was 2 months, I left my husband. When my mat leave was finishing I made the decision to leave my job in London in order to stay up north with my family as I didn't want to be alone with a baby in London.

Once over the depression, I set about looking for a part-time job but found I was over qualified for anything I actually got an interview for (grrrr). So I set up my own business.

I have very much enjoyed the experience and ds loves the freebies I get for him! And I can fit it around him, work when I want and even take him with me a lot of the time! So it serves so many purposes as I get to tax my brain, meet people, be with ds and earn money .

I'm always looking for help by the way!

x

I'm having a year off with dc2, wouldn't want any less but will be quite happy to go back to FT work at the end of it (once settling in period at nursery is over etc).
I think...