City lawyer - have resigned - now having second thoughts - help!

[Ronipops]

Well, title says it all really. I resigned this week after it all got too much. I'd been agonising over it for weeks and then after a particularly difficult day I just did it. Now I've done it, I'm having second thoughts! Is this normal or a sign that I've made a mistake?

Ostensibly I have a good flexible working arrangement (4 days, slightly shorter days) but, in practice, I have been working a lot more than that recently - which is the problem.

My DS is 18 months and I just feel it is unfair on him for me to work so much. My DH is a lawyer too and so we're both working in demanding jobs. On the other hand, I am scared about being at home all the time and not finding another job which is challenging / decently paid.

I thought the agonising would stop once I had made the decision!

What should I do? Even if I wanted to go back now, could I? Everyone knows I've resigned.

I feel in turmoil.

Well unfortunately they don't seem to be doing very much recruiting at all now - I have been looking for a good few months on their site now. Will just keep on looking I suppose.

If you don't mind me asking what do you do now in Brussels (a bit far for me to up the whole family)?

I was made redundant in June and walked straight into another job but told my new employer that I did not want to start until middle of September because I wanted to spend time with my DTS in the summer as this was their first school holiday. They were happy to oblige because they really wanted me!

My new job came with flexible working and is far more interesting than my previous job. Plus I get 30 days leave as well as all the bank holidays so fabulous for school holidays as my DH gets 30 days leave too! Being made redundant has been great for me because not only did I get a good payout, I am refocusing my career development and so far, I am loving it (work in technology management).

Trust me, you have skills and competencies that are transferable and in great demand so you will find a job. In the meantime, take advantage of this time to spend it with your son. You will never regret it!

Good luck!

I work for the European Commission (yes, and the Daily Mail hates me). I deal with the EU's trade relations with third countries and it's a fascinating job - a good mix of legal work and politics. The money is good, though not as good as the press would have you believe and defo nowhere near as City salaries, and I have a good work/personal life balance - though again, I'm not home at 5.30pm.

I was a tax lawyer, I knew nothing about EU law and even less about trade, but as a solicitor I could draft, I could negotiate and I could be creative about finding solutions - skills I'm sure you share and which are extremely useful. If you're interested in policy/government work this is an interesting website. In fact, have a look at this.

DO what feels right for you but consider your moral obligations to other women and daughters too. Every woman that does what you do is kicking the rest of us in the teeth. Don't just consider your own interests. Also chilfren do better when parents are happy, whether that's happy working full time as I've always done or happy serving a husband's and child's needs as a virtual dependent servant as a housewife. You will hate it and in 10 years when he goes of with someone younger or loses his own job or dies your children will ask why you don't earn what they would expect you to earn. It's financially risky, very boring and not much fun being home. Go back to a proper full time City job, not just flexitime. You won't regret it.

Xenia - that is a very particular pov. I don't think OP has kicked anyone in the teeth. All that stuff about her husband and being a virtual dependent servant is a load of tummyrot too, and insulting. And she may well "regret it".

OP, you have no moral obligation to other women and daughters. Do what is right for you

Oh Xenia, seriously? You really think that continuing to work in a job which the OP, by her own admission, finds unfulfilling and that refuses to take account of the realities of parenthood is a boon for the sisterhood? In any event, the OP did not say she wants to be a SAHM, but even if she did, wasn't choice the whole purpose of feminism?

agree that OP MUST do what is right for her.

Worryingly (?) though I agree with some of Xenia's pov

"children do better when parents are happy, whether that's happy working full time as I've always done or happy serving a husband's and child's needs as a virtual dependent servant as a housewife. You will hate it and in 10 years when he goes of with someone younger or loses his own job or dies your children will ask why you don't earn what they would expect you to earn. It's financially risky, very boring and not much fun being home"

This is something causing me great angst at the mo and the reason I am so desperate to get back into work at the moment..having taken the 3 years out to have my children I am finding it v v difficult to get back in and reaslising I should have gone straight back to work after my first maternity leave

xenia, here's a virtual snowball coming at you........

get OVER yourself lady - we are fed up with hearing this tired old record from you

Xenia are you for real?

stressed2007, I expect it's the coming back during a downturn rather than the time looking after your children that's the problem.

By pure luck and not judgment at all I went back just a few months before the whole crunch thing kicked off - and have survived the redundancy rounds, thank heavens. I was offered jobs with all the people I applied to, nobody seemed to be at all bothered that I had been off the track for a couple of years. I'm not ms Superlawyer either - just a common or garden competent!! And I was asking all the "wrong" questions at interview about how they would react if I needed time off at short notice etc - SrAlan would have been howling

In short, I suspect it's all to do with how unlucky your timing has been. I hope you find something good soon. The recruitment consultants have been wanting to "catch up" just recently, so they clearly are getting more on their books now...

stickylittlefingers what is your practice area? Something in current demand? I had already become a psl prior to my maternity leave and suspect this makes it a little more difficult then if I had still been a fee earner.

You know I had not appreciated how many lawyers there are on mumsnet.

Yes, I expect you are right re PSL - they'll put fee earners back in before support lawyers. Would you go back to being a fe?

Financial services (ironically enough!)

Stressed; it's the economy rather than having kids. I had 7 years as a SAHM and have now been back 3.5 years so it can be done. Like the OP I resigned very suddenly but have largely no regrets. I always feel that Xenia perhaps does because she goes to such lengths to justify her choices.

It's worth contacting AWS for support and their retuners' course is good. I found being at home hard at first and then it occurred to me I had never before spent a weekday at home and had previously lived my life in 6 minute units. I binned my watch and learned to relax.
I found a book " The Working Woman's Guide To staying at home" helpful.

I agree that the AWS are very helpful. I spoke to someone on the phone who was very encouraging. I made direct approaches to firms who had what I perceived from their websites to be a gap in their service that I could fill. I got lucky quite quickly but the market was not like it is now.

I find Xenia's view very narrow and quite offensive. I have been married 20 years, first third as a full time city lawyer, third as a SAHM and third as a part time not particularly well paid solicitor in Guildford. Neither my husband nor my children have ever judged me by how "successful" I am in my career or how much money I earn? Why would they? I do not define myself by my job and nor do they.

They might do internally but just don't say so. Our society values people by wbhat they earn. But the good thing about the internet is you can hear different views although no one is obliged to read mine. I am just saying many women regret their part time or lesser working and wish they had never given it up so think carefully and plentyh of us work full time with families and love it and I do have the perspective of 3 children now in their 20s so it's not as if I've no experience.

However I did say chidlren like happy parents. That's what studies show. So drudge at home always moaning isn't great for them, nor is a father who hates his work (why not let the man stay home by the way - this is absolutely not just a women's issue - if in any marriage the man has not got the chance to stay home and the woman has that marriage is sexist to the core and needs a kick up the XYZ......and is very unfair to men).

I had said "children do better when parents are happy, whether that's happy working full time as I've always done or happy serving a husband's and child's needs as a virtual dependent servant as a housewife. You will hate it and in 10 years when he goes of with someone younger or loses his own job or dies your children will ask why you don't earn what they would expect you to earn. It's financially risky, very boring and not much fun being home"
And someone said
"This is something causing me great angst at the mo and the reason I am so desperate to get back into work at the moment..having taken the 3 years out to have my children I am finding it v v difficult to get back in and reaslising I should have gone straight back to work after my first maternity leave".

I remember being interviewed once by soemone who had been going round interviewing various women and she said all these professional and businesswomen with children had one thing in common - felt happy, no guilt, felt they were doing a good enough job at home and at work. I think perfectionists have a much harder job - first of all no perfectionist should ever be a stay at home mother as parenting is all about bumbling along and being good enough and doing the same thing badly day after day, whether that's trying to keep the kitchen floor or children clean or whatever... Secondly it's quite hard to be a perfectionist and be a parent, worker and spouse. So ditch the perfectionst bit - think you are actualy pretty good as you are.

But do be aware if you chuck it all in as so many women do which is why we don't have 50% of women on boards and in any positions of power in the UK and more like a tiny 10% because they cop out early (why hire them at all - most of them ate pathetic in terms of commitment), you probably particularly in these higher paid jobs when you try to get back in will be on £7 p- £10 an hour rather than earning up to £1m - £2m a year and I'm pretty sure most teenagers and students and indeed grandchildren are just a tiny bit materialistic. Of course if you've gone the quasi prostitute route of living off male earnings this may not be your issue if you can sleep with yourself having chosen that course.

Xenia you really do have some issues don't you.

Quasi Prostitute . Xenia, for a clearly intelligent woman you do talk a load of bollocks.

The "SAHM = prostitute" is a Xenia favourite. Which tells us a lot about how much she endures enjoys sex .

Hmm, perhaps you are right Bonsoir.

xenia, your post is so offensive in so many ways, But as MN royalty, no doubt you get your kicks out of spouting such crap in the guise of 'support and advice'. However, If it helps you justify the decisions you have made with your own children then so be it. Clearly you are not as comfortable with your own choices as you would like to believe. The lady doth protest and all that.

Op, glad you are feeling more positive about the decisions you have made. Good luck

'quasi-prostitute' - . You really do have some serious ishoos there Xenia eh?

Well done op on taking the course that makes you happier. Ignore stupid advice about what you should do for the 'sisterhood'. Feminism means choice, you should feel free to make whichever is the right one for you.

Oh lordy, Xenia vs Bonsoir. Talk about an irresistable force meeting an immovable object.

All good fun. It is a more honest bargain to charge up front for sex than live off a man's earnings by serving his needs and being his cleaner and child minder and home support, a very pernicious construct which I'm sure no intelligent woman would want to be part of in 2010.

gosh no
i love sex i should be paying dp