I've changed my mind

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Hi Dinny, well my situation was slightly different in that we moved to the SW from my job in London when dd1 was 6ms. But, on the whole I love being a SAHM. Dd1 is now at school and dd2 is just 3 and I want to be with her until she starts school too. We're fortunate that this is possible and for us, it feels like the right thing to do.

However, on the "me" side of things. I have days when I wish sometimes there was something else to think/talk about. I feel my confidence isn't what it was. I'd love the challenge of something different to get my teeth and brain into, rather the my stroppy 3yo. I have a friend who has always worked from early on , not because she has to or even wants to. But because she says if she didn't the balance of her relationship would completely change with her dh. And, I have to say I know what she means. I think my dh views me differently now I'm not working. He says he dosn't, but still talks to me like I'm thick sometimes.

Blimey, just read that back, don't mean it to be a downer. As I said, these are "days' when I feel like this and everyone has good and bad days. And looking at the bigger picture, now dd1 is at school I know how fast it'll be before dd2 is off. And I don't want to miss out on the next 18ms.Soon I'll be longing for the days when we could take a trip to the park whenever we felt like it, and I'll be moaning about a job!

HTH!? Enjoy being a SAHM, it's a precious time.

Dinny, if you (financially) can be a SAHM, and enjoy it, then that's fantastic. My situation was the opposite: I expected to be a SAHM, but frankly found it too difficult and frustrating, sothough I've always worked a littleI've progressively taken on more and more work to the extent that it feels quite full time at the moment. MUCH easier than the kids I have to say. I have no end of respect for SAHMs. I wish more people realized how hard it is.

I always planned to return to work part time. DS1 was born and when he was three weeks old I realised there was no way I was leaving him. I still work one evening a week for channel 4 on the internet (my "hobby job" as dh calls it), and whilst we lived in London I still did occasional weeks at my old job (maybe 3 weeks a year).

Anyway ds1 is now 4 and has become autistic so thank god I didn't return to work as it would have been a nightmare. Ds2 is 16 months. We are now living in Devon and I am training to be a homeopath. My life is totally different, but I am so pleased I stayed at home. Going back to work just wouldn't have worked for us.

Do what you want to!

Both my dds started at their nursery at 18ms, 2 mornings a week. Dd1 started then as I was pg with dd2 and unwell with hyperemesis and needed time to sleep/throw up/sleep! Dd2 started then as discipline was getting difficult as was her clinginess. It helped with both for us, she relised other people said "No don't stick that up your nose", and she realised I WAS coming back.! It really depends on the child in the end.

I never planned on having children so when ds happened upon the scene I always intended going back to work. In the end I couldn't bear to leave him when he was a baby so I was a SAHM for nearly 2 years. In the end though I couldn't bear not being independent (I've always looked after myself), dp has a thing about his money and made me feel guilty about spending any of it and to be honest I was going stir crazy staying at home with ds. I'm not a natural mam and didn't really know how to entertain him as he got older. In the end I compromised and went back to work 3 days a week (9-3) so I get the best of both worlds and its great. Now I've increased to four days a week working 9-3 and its just right. I get to be an independent person at work and I still feel I spend enough time with ds to not feel like I'm neglecting him. I don't think I could go back to work full-time at this stage, maybe when he goes to school. I think though it goes down to is what works with you and what makes you happy because if you're not happy then its not good for your child.

I never planned on having children so when ds happened upon the scene I always intended going back to work. In the end I couldn't bear to leave him when he was a baby so I was a SAHM for nearly 2 years. In the end though I couldn't bear not being independent (I've always looked after myself), dp has a thing about his money and made me feel guilty about spending any of it and to be honest I was going stir crazy staying at home with ds. I'm not a natural mam and didn't really know how to entertain him as he got older. In the end I compromised and went back to work 3 days a week (9-3) so I get the best of both worlds and its great. Now I've increased to four days a week working 9-3 and its just right. I get to be an independent person at work and I still feel I spend enough time with ds to not feel like I'm neglecting him. I don't think I could go back to work full-time at this stage, maybe when he goes to school. I think though it goes down to is what works with you and what makes you happy because if you're not happy then its not good for your child.

Hi Dinny ... one of the main reasons I agreed to move to New Zealand was that I had the opportunity to be a SAHM. In the UK the cost of living was so high for us that I needed to work and I really struggled with it. Initially, when I went back to work when DS was 4 months it was a good thing as I suffered from PND and being at work made me feel sane... but from DS' first birthday onwards I began to hate my job more and more and resent the time I spent away from my DS ... I felt I was giving my job 50% and my son 50% and it was no good for anyone at all ... especially as my DH got 0%!!!
I love being a SAHM ... I don't feel guilty at all ... I do need to earn a bit of money to be able to loosen our belts a bit but really that is only so that we can save for trips back to the UK ... I don't miss my job ... I am able to have good adult conversations with the friends that I have made and more importantly I no longer feel the awful guilt that I used to feel when I left DS ... If I leave him now it is because I want to not because I HAVE to!!
My DH doesn't see me any differently ... and I have no feelings that he is 'better' than me or anything like that.
I feel that I am doing the most important job in the world ...
Go for it ... enjoy it ... hardwork, but oh, so worth it ...

My views are very similar to expatkat's. I always knew I would go back to work as I had never had an affinity with children prior to having them and really thought I didn't want to miss out on the money. In reality though I realised I wasn't cut out for being a stay at home mum and find it much easier to be at work.

My respect and admiration for stay at home mum's is profound as I know it is a job I couldn't do. I agree with the view that if you can afford to do it and want to do it then go for it. There will be bad days when you will wonder why you chose it but all in all I think the good times will far outweigh these. Good luck.

Hi dinny, over the 9 years I have been a mother, I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have had two jobs, totalling a 50+ hour week, working weekends and weekdays, for a non-child friendly employer. I have also been a total SAHM, at homr with my baby all the time. In between these extremes, I have also been an SAHM who freelances sometimes with the toddler in a daily nursery for a few hours so I have (yippee!!) time alone. Also I have worked full time for a more child friendly employer, having a shorter 37 hour week, with some days spent working from home.

For me, the less extreme times were the best. With all these ups and downs, I never see any working/care arrangement as permanent. My approach is this year I am working away from home more than last year, but next year might be different. So, as an SAHM, I never felt I was relinquishing my career. And, even when working 50 hours a week, I never felt I was not a hands on mother and that I was permanently disappearing from my son's life. In the latter case I organised my time so that I had about 3 hours a day with my son and 1 day at weekends. But no time, of course, left for me and I got totally exhausted.

I went back to work when my first son was 15 months old. Before that I had been a total SAHM and really loved it. Initially my hours were child friendly and I worked some days from home. But by the time my son was 4 I was working less from home and had another job at weekends (financial necesssity) so for a good year or two my son saw far more of his dad. Second time round, I went back to full time work when my son was 7 months old. Stopped working weekends, so not as manic a schedule. Was made redundant when my son was 2.5 years. Spent a year and a bit as a SAHM, but freelanced as and when and had my son in nursery for some of the day. Now I am about to return to full time work, but with flexihours and a shorter travelling time, so I spend 12 hours a week more at home than in my last full time job.

So you see my sons had very different experiences of me being around. Yet I can't say the changes have made a huge differerence to their development or happiness. They have always had good care from others when I haven't been around.

So, if I can give you any advice I'd say don't feel guilty about your choice or treat your present status as a fixed label. By giving up work for a while you are not relinquishing your career forever IME.

Incidently, every time I've left work to become an SAHM, the next job I'be got has been better for me either in terms of money or conditions

Hi dinny!
Lots of interesting stuff here! I too have done both. I stayed at home until she was 8 months then went back and found a little sanity for a while, moved house far away and could only get full time work so she went to nursery and the change in her was awful. She was used to going for 2/3 days but for 5 days she was irritable and tired all the time and dreaded going. I have just been able to negotiate p/t and started 2 weeks ago. The change in here is fab - we get a liovely 2 days together and she still mixed with her pals at nursery. She is very contented now - so am I!! However I would love another baby and I would probably finish work altogether then. It would be much better!!
If you can afford it - got for it, enjoy those precious days. Maybe have a little hobby/interest that you can look forward too and enjoy for yourself!!!
Lots of luck!!
xxx

dinny - something I'd add is about the 'best age' to start childcare. DS started nursery just before 6 months, and - it's true - it was much harder for me than for him at that time.

BUT as he's got older I've found that he's gone through 'difficult' stages with being left, and stages of separation anxiety that were just the same as those being left for the first time at those ages.

In other words, if you go through the wrench of leaving a young baby when they don't seem to notice so much, it doesn't let you off the 'separation anxiety' hook when they're older!

A most unfair exchange in my view!!!