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Any FT working mums out there to advise me?? Offer of FT role (great career opportunity) but small baby - can it work???

52 replies

mrsconflicted · 19/08/2009 10:07

Feeling v v v mixed up. Am lawyer and want to leave private practice for a variety of reasons. V unhappy in job before left for mat leave - was treated shockingly during mat leave and sidelined as soon as pregnany became 'public'.

Basically an opportunity has arisen within a company involved in the sector in which I work - in house commercial/legal adviser. The role would be heavily supported by external lawyers - I'm told that I will not be required to draft/turn documents around but will be required to input into the legal and commercial decisions and liaise closely with the external lawyers. It is the job I have coveted for the last couple of years.

The role will play to my strengths and in many ways it is very exciting. I have been through the recruitment process and have been told I will be offered the position - senior HR od back on Monday to sign off the package etc.

My gorgeous DD is 8 mo and I would look to start the new role in November. She will be 10.5mo at that point. Can this possibly work? I have a very supportive husband who works for the public sector and will be able to do the pick up each evening. I will do the drop off each day - however the role will require some travel within the UK so sometimes DH will need to do both the drop off and pick up.

How do other people cope and am I setting myself up to fail? The job will require some out of hours working and I am intending to insist before signing up that I am given the tools needed to work form home so that as required con calls etc can be scheduled after DD gone to bed when very busy and required.

Sorry for epic - just thought I needed to get the facts down for people to be able to give a balanced opinion.

OP posts:
MrsMattie · 22/08/2009 11:43

Congratulations on the job.

The good news is - this is all entirely possible (with good childcare and a positive attitude ).

I work in the media, so slightly different, but have had similar experiences to you. I had a disasterous return to full time work after my first child was born 4 yrs ago. But I didn't have great childcare sorted, didn't love the job or feel valued at work and my relationship was in trouble.

Fast forward to this year, I got my 'dream' full time job when DD was 6 mths old and DS 4 yrs old. This time I have good childcare sorted, me and DH are rock solid and he is super supportive and the job is great (helps that my boss is a cool guy, too!).

I also travel a bit for work and I do miss the kids and feel pretty bloody exhausted sometimes...but the positives outweigh the negatives. I love working, I feel like my 'old self' and it has been a positive thing all in all.

MrsMattie · 22/08/2009 11:45

...oh, and we will always feel conflicted as mothers. Damned if you and damned if you don't.

gallery · 23/08/2009 21:59

In response to query earlier=Just to let you know, my youngest 19 months and oldest 4 and a half. I accept that it is part of my role in my family to do the organising, I love reading the other posts and seeing I am not alone in revving up the ante before a work trip and having food sorted etc. It is more work but the longer term benefit is so worth while for all the family. I am a project manager by profession (what woman is not in her personal life? very few I suspect) so it does come easily to me. At times I feel put upon so I make sure I have some me time too.
As dontrunwithscissors says. (phew that was a lot of words to write, I can just imagine yelling too as my youngest heads off with something like that and you forget instantly what you were doing in the first place and end up burning food) if you like the job (well love is more realistic) then you have it all. I could not imagine going to work and leaving my kids if I did not enjoy what I went into. I go in and forget about home life because I am in my element. No way could I do that if work did not absorb my attention fully. Equally, I get in the door and forget about work as soon as they boys are here. Some time I will post my mananagent learning about ;best daddy ever-meant to help with first impressions but one I keep for when I go home to my kids!

lechatnoir · 23/08/2009 22:42

As someone who returned back to a pretty intense working environment when DS1 was 11months, I completely agree with Gallery & slowreadingprogress.

Crucial to the success of my working life & our family is DHs involvement with DS - he does (well did as I'm on ML again ) drop off & pick up, he does at least his share of days off for sickness and has also picked up some of the family admin roles that I always used to look after. Be warned that if your LO is going to a nursery s/he will probably pick up every cough, cold, virus etc known to man this first winter - my DS is rarely ill now so has obviously built a great immunity, but, time off was a real issue when I first went back and it did cause some tension with DH as I did rely on him too heavily back then.

Both DH & I make use of our parental leave allowance and each take a few weeks unpaid leave a year which in addition to annual leave gives us some much needed R&R & extra time with DS - well worth doing IMO.

Oh, and finally, get yourself a good cleaner as the last thing you want to be doing on your precious few days off is ironing or housework .

Good luck.
LCN

Orissiah · 26/08/2009 09:11

Lovely post Gallery :-)

Yes, it can work Mrs Conflicted. Both DH and I are FT and both have to travel for work sometimes. The three critical things for us are:

  • Childcare we can trust and that DD (14 months) is thriving in. This is our number one priority.
  • Rigid daily routine with element of flexibility
  • Supportive work colleagues
WidowWadman · 27/08/2009 11:26

I'm facing the same problem in a month's time (just with crappier job) and am actually quite gung-ho about going back to work and look forward to it, however I do wonder how and if it's going to change the relationship with my daughter.

She's a fiercely independent little girl, who's not very fixated on me, but still likes a cuddle. She'll be 9 months old when she starts nursery. Part of me worries, that she'll be closer to the nursery nurses than to me, on the other hand she dotes on her dad and he's working full time, so it can't be an issue.

I know I probably agonize over nothing, but it'd be great to hear about your experiences.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/08/2009 11:38

Well done OP on getting the job in this market.

I went back to work full time when dd was 4 months, and I have never regretted a thing.

I did long days - prob 10 hours -and was also stuyidng for engineering degree in spare time. I had an excellent childminder who dd loved. I was also lucky that my mum was able to pick dd up from school when she got old enough.

DD is now 13 and I have developed a great career which I love in aerospace engineering procurement. Still do majorly long hours and work at home evenings and weekends.

It is hard - you will have to face that something eventually will have to give. DD's dad buggered off when she was 3 months so I was a single parent near enough from the start - to be honest it was probably easier as I didn't have to cope with a partner as well as a full time job! So some things will slide if you work full time, either you will not spend as much time with your partner, you will never see your friends, you may probably have to sacrficie some hobbies, or your house will look like a tip, or you will never get enough sleep. Sleep has always been the one for me - I get by on about 5 hours in the week, and lie in at weekends if able! One thing - do not try to be superwoman, if someone offers you help, take it.

NICE to see a positive working mothers thread and good to hear all the positive stories.

morningpaper · 27/08/2009 11:42

I DO think that, if possible, it's best to keep children's days at nusery etc. shorter rather than longer. But you are in a very good position because your DH is in the public sector. I would go for it and consider whether he can scale down his hours - so many p/s orgs are really open to negotiate - perhaps he could do a four-day week or reduce hours or something, so you have options for the future.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/08/2009 11:42

Widow - my dd was always a very cuddly baby - she still is very tactile. Basically she slept in with me until she was about 4 and moved by her own choice back to her own bed. I reasoned that as I saw her so little during the day it was good for both of us to have cuddles whilst asleep. Of course it was easy for me as I didn't have a partner, and I know it is not what everyone would chose to do.

I wouldn;t worry anyway - your dd knows that you love her, I am sure she will go to nursery happy and her face will light up when you collect her at the end of the day.

morningpaper · 27/08/2009 11:48

I must admit GOML I have been a total slacker mum on the night-time parenting during their nursery periods - just seems nice to be as close as possible IYKWIM? The more cuddles the merrier.

GetOrfMoiLand · 27/08/2009 11:54

I know - I just really didn't see the point in putting her in a cot in a seperate room when we were both happier co sleeping.

My mum was scandalised, all 'oh you will never be able to get her in her own bed now'. Well, I can safely say she did go into her own bed of her own volition and I do not have to co-sleep with a great big teenager!

Wish I would have thought of it sooner, though, could have saved myself £200 on a cot!

morningpaper · 27/08/2009 11:55

Yes I just used my cot for sorting laundry...

gallery · 27/08/2009 19:12

Extract from Widowwadman
I'm facing the same problem in a month's time (just with crappier job) and am actually quite gung-ho about going back to work and look forward to it, however I do wonder how and if it's going to change the relationship with my daughter.

She's a fiercely independent little girl, who's not very fixated on me, but still likes a cuddle. She'll be 9 months old when she starts nursery. Part of me worries, that she'll be closer to the nursery nurses than to me, on the other hand she dotes on her dad and he's working full time, so it can't be an issue.

I know I probably agonize over nothing, but it'd be great to hear about your experiences.

Hi Widowwadman- saw your posts earlier today on another thread and it sounds like you are already successful in a lot of areas of where you have planned to be.
In repsonse to your question over relations with your child- I have 2 little ones and went back to work earlier so the leaving them was not too hard as they got used to it from very young. They do feel strongly for their CM but no my relationship with them is still special. I guess you make that special bond early on and nothing can break it. It is still mommy they call for in the middle of the night, mommys side of the bed the 4 year old creeps into and I still feel I have special loving relationship. There are really hard days when they cry at being left- it is like one of those weathermen, one day one gets upset, next week that one runs in happy and the other one cries. I did wonder if the CM would become the special person in their lives but my fears went to rest the first time my baby was ill and I was all he wanted. Hope this helps. Sorry for not posting sooner but have been in and out of work and childcare this last 2 weeks so my posting time is sporadic- off for a large glass of red and some naughty fattening crisps now

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 14:41

That's a lovely post gallery

Widow - don't do yourself down (crappier job). I saw on another thread that you studied for your CIPS on mat leave. I am a CIPS qualified buyer as well, those courses are not a walk in the park. So well done for that!

pasturesnew · 28/08/2009 15:24

Congratulations on the offer, I would take it up, esp. as sounds like the role is right for you.

I work full-time in professional services and went back to work when DS was 8 months. I did go back 4 days a week initially but that was to try it out as DH and wider family thought it might be a good idea, but found it was just a 20% paycut in practice so went back to 5 days after a couple of months.

This is how it works for us:

DS is in nice nursery nearby (or at MIL's one day a week), DH drops him off so I can start work earlier, and I pick up. DS wakes up about 6 and I leave for work by 8, DH by 9, I pick DS up by 6.30, then it's playtime, dinner, bath and bed at 8.30 for him. We eat dinner together as a family as often as we can.

My commute is 45 minutes door-to-door, DH's varies depending where he is working.

I will not work between 5.45 p.m. when I leave the office and 8.30 p.m. when DS is safely in bed but will do e-mails or e.g. conference calls with US after that. My team knows and understands this and fortunately I am senior, experienced and specialised enough to have this level of control over my workload. I have to travel for work 2 or 3 times a year.

HOWEVER, we have had a LOT of help from family e.g. DS once had to have 2 weeks off nursery due to conjunctivitis so my mum came 200 miles to stay with us and help out, and quite often my train home is late and 2 DBs or 2 DSILs and DMIL who are all nearby and all fantastic have stepped in at short notice to do the nursery pick-up run, and who are all willing to babysit for us and who are generally absolute stars whom I cannot praise enough.

We have a weekly cleaner and when the laundry piles up have sometimes used laundry delivery services. We don't do any DIY and hardly any gardening, we get a handyman in for odd jobs and a gardening service once a month. This is expensive but all cheaper than a 20% paycut so I justify that it is paid for out of my "extra" day's work each week. We do shopping for groceries and birthday presents online. We do trips to gym, bank, clothes shopping etc. either on the way in to work or at lunchtime. We wear non-iron, machine-washable clothing as much as possible!

We have very little spare time for us as a couple or for us on our own with friends as we normally dedicate weekends and holidays to family, we probably manage 1 "date" a month, 1 social night out as a couple with friends a month, and 1 or 2 nights out each on our own each month. I know the "date" thing is very important to some couples but we really enjoy our time as a family and generally get an hour or so of slobbing on the sofa together each evening so that doesn't feel too bad.

DH is freelance so has been a SAHD on and off in between contracts, which helps a lot in catching up with things and dealing with projects like moving house. On the other hand, when he is working his contracts are very much full-time and may involve being away from home for a week or two at a time, and then we get behind with lots of things again!

We're expecting another baby in a few weeks and the plan is for me to go back to work full-time when the baby is 7 or 8 months old, with the baby in the same nursery and an au pair to help with the pick ups as DS will be moving on to school nursery soon and we feel it would be unreasonable to keep relying on DBs and DSILs the way we have been, also they seem likely to start having children themselves in the next few years.

Sometimes it seems really mad and hard work but most of the time it seems manageable and worth the compromises. The most reassuring thing is that DS is happy at home and nursery and that we very much feel like a family when we are all together.

GetOrfMoiLand · 28/08/2009 15:27

I like all these positive stories.

gallery · 28/08/2009 19:49

I echo pasturenew, I didn't post it on earlier but I also have cleaner - lots of working moms say this is essential. I no longer resent Sat morning washing floors- I am playing on the floor or out at soccer practice with my eldest (or going for a run sometimes). ALso this year, after moaning one night about being tired and getting the ironing board out, my husband suggested I drop the ironing out to a local service. I can;t believe how much she does in way less time than me. If you can afford these things, they are not luxuries, they allow me to spend more time with my family. I love hearing the other moms tips though. I am sure some other poster put a cleaner on as essential too

WidowWadman · 28/08/2009 21:36

Getorfmyland - I'm not doing myself down, it's my current employer I'm unhappy with, that's why I'm looking for something better. I love purchasing as a profession, otherwise I wouldn't pursue the CIPS training.

& everyone else - your postings are very reassuring. Rationally, I know I'm stressing out over nothing, but I can't help being a first time mum... Thanks for all the positive stories, keep them coming.

lobsters · 02/09/2009 21:35

It's been really interesting reading this, I'm back at work in about 6 weeks, going back full time to the City. We've got a nanny lined up, but a big part of me is dreading it. The nanny has been doing some mornings with us and there was a bit of a funny feeling when the nanny was cuddling and playing with her and I had to stand on the side lines.

There are a few things I am looking forward to, like being able to finish a cup of tea in peace, and having lunch and not having o sweep up my lunch companion's lunch off the floor afterwards.

mrsconflicted - hope it all goes well for you

gallery · 03/09/2009 18:26

good luck lobsters. Not had time to post earlier today though did read this. I loved being back- I walked in the door and did not let myself think about baby at all. The key to being happy was to keep very occupied so no stray thoughts could wander in, like is he crying, happy, missing me etc. So I kept busy and when I picked him up, it was magic to see him after spending the busy time apart. the big thing I noticed was how tired he was with being out all day= you are different as have nanny in house. So I found evenings got very compressed. I found work colleagues quite understanding too though I did keep it very quiet that i was in off maternity leave- I went to new job within my company so I was a fresh face and a lot of them didn;t realise till months later that I had just come back

dontrunwithscissors · 03/09/2009 21:29

Good luck, Lobsters - I agree with gallery's point about keeping focussed on work when at work.

Gallery - if you don't mind me picking your brains - how have you found using a childminder with two DC's/full time work? I'm due with #2 in January, and will have a similar age gap as your DC's. I'm going back and forth over whether it will be too hard for both DH and I to work full-time with two children whilst using a nursery. I'm wondering whether having a nanny is really the only option (but I have reasons to want to continue with a nursery, most especially that it would be a huge financial stretch to have a nanny.) The youngest will be almost 1 by the time I return to work.

gallery · 03/09/2009 22:20

jeez don'trunwithscissors am delighted to have my little bit of left over brain (s) picked
Not sure what you pay out for cm fees. I found mine doubled- so went from 5-600ish to £1kish a month.
I planned for this and knew we would have he hike in fees. It was still a shock to the purse.
I would have loved to have had a nanny but not best option for my area of UK(local advice was that younger woman would find hard to assimilate to my community and would end up moving to bigger community e.g. city)
So cost- how does that fit with your thinking?
Have just had to delete my post from here oon as you say you are with nursery- this is great option as you already will get childcare options at 3 years free. Mine at CM and not as flexible cost wise (I paid CM and also nursery)
My eldest loved nursery (also twined and moaned for some time too).
To be honest, if I could have had a nanny and if I could now, I would have one. It would make my working day lots easier and also for my husband.
I think they would not be as knackered in evening if you had nanny as it would be more of a home day. The main thing I notice is how tired my little ones get when I am dragging them out of bed at 7am to get out of the house for work. You would not have that with nanny. Sorry for long post. The conclusion is

  1. My options more limited
  2. (Not in text but a big factor) My CM had good reputation
  3. Nursery very effective for social skills and has financial advantage and year around cover (holidays, sick CM or us have to be sorted)
Finally it is a pleasure to be communicating on this thread as it rather differs from sone of crap on rest of this website. I am still sad about some of the comments i have read on what i see as cries for help
AniaP · 14/09/2009 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumof2222222222222222boys · 14/09/2009 14:31

Hi OP

Your situation is mine - or rather was a couple of years ago.

I decided not to go back to work after ML the first time round because my firm (I was junior solicitor) was not very supportive and also because DH is in the Navy, had been away a lot, and was going to be around a bit and I wanted to spend some time together.

Fast forward 3 years. We moved to London for DH job, we had had 2nd DC (so children were 3 and just 1). I was giong stir crazy and wanted to work again, but wasn't sure I would cope. We got an AP and we got the boys into nursery (a really good one where DH works).

To cut a long story short, while I wanted to work 3 days a week, I ended up accepting teh first in house job offer I got, (I was a bit surprised anyone wanted me) which was full time. They were really nice about the return to work and very understanding about the fact I could only work 4 days a week until the nursery had space.

Over 18 months later, I still enjoy the job. I am now permanent (originally it was a ML cover). I work from home when I want to (usually once a week) and my hours are 8 until 5. I have very rarely stayed later. I have only travelled on business twice (no problems).

You can definitely do it - but if the only support you have is DH, why not think about an AP to help a bit round house, and do the drop offs. My DH's job is not brilliant from reliability point of view. He does travel a bit. He is about to go away for 6 months and I know we'll manage it. I am more stressed about explaining why Daddy will be away for Christmas than other seemingly more important practicalities!

Romanarama · 14/09/2009 14:49

We used to do this. Our arrangement was: school and nursery, plus housekeeper who also did pick ups and babysitting until I got home, plus two other babysitters alternate days as our 3 children were not at the same school, so 2 pickups needed. The housekeeper did absolutely all of the housework and laundry and most cooking, though I still did things like supermarket shopping. She also lived in, so could deal with bath, bed, evening babysitting, whatever, if work went pear-shaped, as it can do.

It was OK.

I found managing work plus managing the domestic arrangements, even if not the actual chores, was very stressful. I also didn't have enough time with the children.

I think these will not be so difficult for you as your dh will be more helpful (mine worked even longer hours than me). And especially because you have only 1 baby. Babies don't need the same sort of interaction and support as 7 yr olds, and you will anyway be able to focus on her when you're with her.

Make sure you have childcare arrangements that you are really happy with, so you don't spend all day worrying about them. Get your dh fully involved in the planning, or leave it to him if he's good at it.

And congratulations!

(btw I've just packed it in as felt like the family was falling apart at the seams, but I'm a bit lonely and miss work, so am looking for something part time now.)

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