Returning to work dilemma: career, family finances and childcare

[dontrunwithscissors]

Hello,

I'm a newbie (although I've been lurking a little while), but would really like to hear people's opinions on my current problem.

I work full time as a University lecturer (which means my job is very flexible, and I can work from home a lot.) I love my job so much - I spent 10 years at University, and both I and DH made a lot of sacrifices to get where I am. (He hates his job, BTW).

I have a DD who's 2.4, and I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant with #2. My DD currently attends a local nursery 4 days a week (DH and I share care on a Friday). It's OK, but far from brilliant. I've already decided there's no way I want to send a child who's under 2 years there. My dilemma is what to do about childcare, therefore, when I return to work. It boils down to:

1. Return when #2 is 5-6 months old, and hire a nanny 3 days per week, and use a CM for the 4th day, until DD starts school. This would be a real squeeze for us, and would probably mean us wiping out almost all of our savings, and living like hermits. (We never have holidays and drive old-ish cars as it is.)

2. Return to work when #2 is 10 months old, and hope we can find a CM for the two of them. (There is a shortage of CM in my area). If not, use the local nursery for DD, and CM for youngest. We could more or less live within our means (although it would still be very tight.)

I'm really stuck over what to do. My DH's job has no flexibility whatsoever, and is extremely hostile to him taking any time off when DD is sick. (My DH is very supportive, and does as much as he can, but his work is very awkward.) As a consequence, I've spent the last 1.5 years covering a large proportion of DD's sick days, and doing the vast majority of drop offs and picks ups. (I really feel like I'm on my own a lot of the time, and find it hard work doing this with just the one.) My DD has never settled at nursery, and struggles to do more than 7 hours a day. As a result, I work very short days, and then desparately try to make up time when she's asleep. The impact upon my career has been profound, and I know there's a good chance it will fall apart if this continues much longer. It seems that a nanny would help solve a lot of our problems (not having to get two children ready and out on my own, not having to try to cook an evening meal whilst caring for them, and it would lessen the impact of sickness), but it could also lead to financial ruin. I'm lost as to what to do: perhaps I'm idealising life with a nanny, or perhaps I'm just too 'soft'? (Which is DH's opinion.) If anyone has any thoughts, suggestions or opinions on what they would do, I'd love to hear them.

You've hit the nail on the head, thedh. One of the biggest problems is that DD finds going to nursery so exhausting. By Wednesday evening she is ready to collapse (she has big dark bags under her eyes, asks to go to bed as soon as we get home, and doesn't have the energy to eat.) I feel such a sh1t dragging her out of bed on a Thursday - we have full on crying, and she begs to be left to go back to sleep. As a consequence, I'll often let her sleep and take her in late (resulting in lost working time) as I feel I'm being so cruel. I'm sure this is a product of her nature/personality (and #2 may well be entirely different!) Anyway - I'll stop waffling - yes, I think I'll have a search for CM's first whilst on ML, and then see how desparate things are!

Poor you - that sounds grim.

I'm SURE you will be able to find something that suits you all better after your ML.

Here (SW) I got the impression that there were plenty of nannies - I did advertise in Gumtree once (in a panic that I wouldn't find a CM) and got lots of encouraging responses.

I haven't read all the answers so apologies if I'm repeating - but have you thought of a nanny share? or a nanny with her own child?

when I had no. 2 I weighed up cm vs nanny and for me nanny was, iirc, about £100 a month more expensive than 2 cm places. in the scheme of things, and for the benefits it felt worth it. if you could find a share or nanny with her own child I wouldn;t be at all suprised if you could get the cost of a nanny down to the same as the cost of 2 cms or cm plus nursery.

also nanny rates vary - generally depending on experience and qualifications. If you go for someone with a lot of both then it's expensive. But if you're prepared to sacrifice one of those things (for me it was qualifications - I was more interested in having someone grown up with good references) then the price will come down. If you sacrifice both then the price will come down a lot (but personally I wouldn;t with a baby - possibly with older kids, but not a baby).

If you are in London (but I'm guessing not as you said you're in an employment blackspot, and London's hardly short of unis) you would try simply childcare (google it) for nanny shares. But I bet you could find a local service elsewhere too.

can I just add a of solidarity re the p-t thing? I can so imagine p-ters being expected to carry on with their teaching and sacrifice their research while (male) f-ters get promoted off the back of their extensive publications. grrrrr.do you get a male p-ters in academia? I bet not.

hatwoman - I think a nanny would be around £150-£200 pm more expensive than a CM for us. A nanny share or nanny with child is an option, and I agree with you regarding experience v. qualifications - although I would want to use chilcare vouchers, so I'm not sure whether the nanny would need a qualification to register with the Care Commission (as I'm in Scotland).

I've only known one PT academic (apart from those who are being exploited on pathetic 9 month, PT contracts). She went down to 4 days per week after having a child, and said that she still did as much teaching and admin as before; the only difference was that she had 1 day per week when she could refuse to come into work.

I must add that my DH has just told me I'm being a control freak for panicking over all this so early. He's right - I HATE not having everything planned out and under control.....

iirc in England nannies can register so that you can pay them with vouchers on the back of some quite minimal qualification (eg attending a 2-day course at the local college of FE) - but you are right that it's something to check. I can see that £150-200 difference is starting to look pretty big.

you're not being a control freak - but I'm sure things will work out. as others have said it all keeps changing so quickly up until they start school anyway - anything you put in place now will probably only work for a couple of years before the next change. before you know it you'll be joining the "how do I work from home in summer with school age children and no childcare" club.

I feel the need to put this down somewhere, so I apologise for the rambling thread...

DH is currently downstairs with DD making chocolate crispies whilst I work on revising my book manuscript (which is only 20 months late to my publishers .) Knowing that she is happy, content and well-rested has meant that I've been able to work at a great pace for the last few hours. My head is clear, and I've been able to focus on writing - I'd forgotten what it felt like. I knew that not being happy with the current childcare arrangements was affecting me, but I hadn't realised how much. I'm more determined than ever that neither DC will be going back there after my ML.

Good for you, dontrun - and good luck with the book manuscript. I'm trying to finish mine at the moment (although not yet at the revision stage) and it's an awful slog.

I'd imagine the other academics thread will get going again in September - and Justine has said we can have a private space when they get up and running. So do come and join us if you like.

That sounds great - I'll look out for it.

Another one with a book manuscript - does it count as a manuscript when you have only managed two and a half chapters?

Very much looking forward to the academics private thread, when it gets going, so we can talk a little more openly.