I am trapped. Please give me some ideas...

[tamarindlazuli]

I am considering quitting my job tomorrow. My OH is all for it for the sake of my mental health first and foremost but realistically we can't afford to live on one salary for long and I am at a loss what kind of job to even look for, let alone think that I'll be lucky enough to get one during such an economic low.

Basically I went back F/T to a job I hate following 9 months of maternity. I genuinely thought I would have found something else before my time was up but had no luck, but admittedly I was looking in and around the same sector and mostly at P/T options because working F/T did not seem like an option, and P/T in my industry does not really exist to my knowledge...

Work rejected my P/T request, forcing me to either quit or go back F/T which I've been doing for the past 3 months and I am falling apart.
I get up at 5.30am, drop off DS at his childcare at 6.45, get to work for 8.15, have no break until 5.30 when I am supposed to leave but that rarely happens and tonight I left at gone 7.30 and got home by 9pm, not even seeing DS for a second tonight except asleep in his cot.

My OH generally picks DS up so that's covered but it's killing me not seeing him and the guilt is something that I cannot live with for much longer. I am missing DS's milestone developments (he's just starting to walk) and all I get are the edited highlights at the weekend, when I get to see how much he's learnt since the previous week - but not from me.

Anyway now I've got to do it all over again tomorrow and I know that even if I ask for a meeting with my boss and tell her very honestly that if my workload doesn't lighten, I will be forced to resign, because I know the company and their history, that nothing will change and I am better off out of there.

I just needed to tell someone this because I don't know what to do and know I probably know the answer, but it's just having the courage to do it and also have some luck in finding something better. What if I end up in a frying pan to the fire type situation...it's a big risk to resign without lining something up and I just don't have the time to look during the week.

Well I'd be interested to see what people think and if anyone has been in a similar position. I am so physically tired but my mind is buzzing...

My dh had some for a short while I went back FT

so sorry to hear of your situation - sounds awful. It is certainly possible to live on a lot less than you think and there are some jobs out there that won't set the world alight but would enable you to see your ds, recover your health and consider your long term options while contributing to the bills. As for the kept woman thing, everyone is different but you are also a mother and therefore definately earning your keep. Also if your salary drops you should be eligible for more support. Sometimes a really difficult change can lead to a much better life, though tricky to imagine when you are in the thick of it. I've been there and I'm glad now that I had to do major re-thinking though I dont like being so poor. Life is much much better, happier, more fun now Good luck

Keep notes on everything you have done to sort the situation. If your company aren't taking your issues seriously then get yourself signed off with stress.

Will give you a breather to work out what to do next. Your company might actually realise there is a problem then. It is their duty of care to you to look after you as an employee and your mental health is just as important as your physical health. Stress is big issue these days and tribunals don't look favourably on employers who don't take care of their staff.

I know it's harder said than done but you have more rights than you think.

ACAS are very good too. You could always give them a ring:-
www.acas.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=1461

Just to suggest that due to unreasonable demands, your company would appear to be effectively forcing you out of your job. How do you manage childcare when they are basically saying you stay until you get the job done? Look at this www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-84945/Shifts-victory-working-mothers.html

Basically, as women tend to usually be responsible for childcare, anything that disadvantages those with childcare responsibilities is discrimination. As a result of this tribunal, working mothers have a right to say they cannot work evenings or early mornings. Perhaps this needs to be raised with your boss.

I'm back after another tough week but I still haven't resigned because we've done some sums and can't afford to lose my salary, even temporarily.
Speckle, what do you mean everything I have done to sort the situation? I've asked for part time hours and they've refused (even though I gave them every option in the book: flexi-time, working at the weekend, job share etc, working 3 days a week instead of 5 p/t days (which would work better in my job I think) but nothing could convince them and I know they haven't taken me seriously from day one.
Other than just get on an do my job, what can I do? I've had a chat with my boss about how leaving on time is important to me, and she said it wouldn't go on forever but still I found myself there until 7.15 tonight and just as I was leaving she asked me to do something that would have meant staying an extra 30mins-hour so I said I just didn't have time and she snapped back OK and walked off in a huffish way (and it's not like what she asked was super urgent) - I am off next week, that's why she asked but I mean come on, I'm contracted to work a minimum of 40 between 8.30am-5.30pm (and yes the crafty use of the word "minimum" comes in very handy for them) but how dare she ask me to do something at that time when she knows full well I have to get home, kids or no kids???
I am furious and was looking forward to relaxing tonight knowing I am off but I feel like crying and crying.
If I get signed off with stress, won't it go on my health records for good, and could it cause problems in the future for future employers?
Tempting as it is to do that, I am wary of the consequences.

Tamarindlazuli - what's happened in the last 2 weeks? So sad for you - that is a very difficult situation. I think they are being so, so unreasonable for not letting you work part time, not letting you work from home, it's crazy. I may be shot down for suggesting this, but before you have a nervous breakdown, please go to your GP and have him write you a sick note. Even two weeks off (at full salary) could make a real difference and give you a head start in looking for a job. Good luck

dnmama, nice of you to check back up on this even though it was a while ago now. Can't believe my post was 3 months ago and I am sorry to say I am still in the same job and even though I've been tempted, have not gone down the sick note road yet.
Well for a while it was manageable, and I was leaving at 5.30pm on the dot but as I know too well, that doesn't last long there and before I knew it, things have slipped back to leaving at 7.30pm - because we are chronically understaffed and when one person goes on holiday it has a huge impact on the rest of us.
I am fed up with false promises from my boss, "it will get better", "we'll be employing more people" etc....
I am sorry, the odd long day I can cope with but not every day and without even so much of a thank you.
Despite this, and her knowing I should not even be working so late, even my 2-week holiday request over Christmas has been questioned - asked 2 weeks ago, so reminded her again just before her own 2 week break off and still nothing, so that will be a month without knowing where I stand.
Is any of this behaviour normal? Do other people have a daily battle on their hands with their employers? Are my employers even human?
I've applied for a few jobs since but not even had an interview fgs. So demoralising and humiliating being in this position. On Friday my son was (and still is) ill but just the thought of having to explain to my colleagues what needed to be done in my absence was too much to bear - too stressful and too complicated and bound to all go wrong, so ended up, very tearfully, going in and feeling rotten, guilty and pathetic about it. I just kept thinking in a "normal" job I would just call my boss up and explain and I wouldn't feel bloody guilty about putting my own son before my job on a one-off occasion.
I even braced myself to ask my parents, with my tail between my legs, for a loan whilst I quit and look for something else but talking to them on the phone I just couldn't do it!
There is no way out unless I just quit I've concluded. I couldn't bare the thought of thinking, when I'm older, that I'd wasted my life working for a worthless company who couldn't care whether I live or die.
Gosh I wonder how all this makes me sound, like some miserable windbag, but I promise I'm not, despite all this crap, I am surprisingly cheerful..well I guess you have to be.

what do you do (roughly, sector wise)?

just looking at the hours in your day...

why are you getting up at 5.30? is ds's childcare near your home - have you thought about a nanny as they would come to your house giving you more precious time at home?

re your commute - my commute is similar (slightly shorter) but I think if any job you get is going to be in central London, then you should think about moving to a shorter commute if you can. I wish I could - we can't because our children are in school so it makes it far harder - but yours isn't yet. So if you can make your commute shorter (and do it easily - if you are renting or aren't tied to your area), then do it.

I sympathise with the lack of any other jobs out there. It's such a hard place to be (to hate your job but not be able to find another option). Personally, I think it's easier to find another job if you have one already but 3 months have gone past and nothing has happened. Are you really looking for another job? I know how exhausting working full time + children is so I imagine you haven't had much time to look for something else.

I think you need to decide if you are absolutely determined to leave. There are 2 ways you can play this if you are.

1. Decide you don't give a shit any more and only work 8.30 to 5.30. What is the worst they could do? Fire you? If they did, they'd have a battle on their hands if you decided to take them to court (make a note now of how many hours you are doing. Have you opted out of the European Working Hours Directive in your contract?) and may well give you a pay off to leave quietly. If you are worried about being fired and risk averse, I wouldn't follow this course of action . While you are doing the 8.30 to 5.30 thing you have to properly look for another job - as in every waking hour. Sign up to all the agencies and ruthlessly tart yourself about.

1. Don't forget what you are entitled to. You can get the parental leave if you need it when ds is ill. Your employers can't deny you your rights. So start using them. What were their business reasons for turning down PT working? You sound like you are getting dangerously close to leaving because of constructive dismissal. When you raised your grievance to your boss, how did she deal with it? Have you got grievance procedures in your contract/staff handbook? You need to start getting clever here. If you hate them, and you have to hate them to do this, then start playing them at their own game. But again, you have to know you want to leave to do this.

To me, there still sounds like there's a part of you that wants to keep this job. if that's the case, then you need to decide how best to rearrange your life to make it work.

hi foxinsocks. I work for a translation company (not translating) but in a more clerical position. Nothing even high-powered or worth the salary fgs!
I get up at 5.30 because I leave the house at 6.30 to drop DS off (we are excepionally lucky to have great family in order to be an a position to help us) so I can start my commute by about 7am.
Yes I wish I could cut out the commute, because that, coupled with long hours anyway, makes things a lot worse. Trouble is, if I look for something else within my field, it's either central London-based or way out of town - nothing near to me unfortunately, otherwise I'd be straight there, even if the hours were still long.
You're absolutely right that my job "hunt" is less of a hunt and more of an as and when I have time/energy to dedicate to it, which is scarce but I am registered with a few agencies, both specialised and more general.
I even went to one in person when I had a week off a few weeks' back to have a chat and tell them that I was willing to go for any admin-related job in the local area but I have not even had a single phone call from them.
Trust me no part of me whatsoever wants to keep this job, I really believe they do not deserve me (or my colleagues, for that matter) and I am a fool for letting it carry on so long.
I would LOVE to play them at their own game and work to rule as you say. I know we collectively don't complain enough and stand our ground, so we are partly to blame for working silly hours but I don't believe it would achieve anything if I did this single-handedly. My bonuses would just be lower and I wouldn't be considered a "team-player" even if my personal circumstances are different (I am the only one with a child).
Sorry to sound negative. I hate it when I read a post asking for advice and then the OP rejects every single suggestion...just like I am doing!
It's not just because I am making excuses. My job is extremely difficult to hand off things to someone else (reason we work so long is because it's a 24-hour business pretty much) but I know, I know, it's their problem if we can't cope with the work load, not ours. I know all of this.
I am just not the sort of person who initiates such things...wish I was and I would support anyone 100% who had the guts to do it, and wouldn't care about the risk because I know who's right and who's wrong.
They turned down my PT request on flimsy grounds, but they were determined that it wouldn't work in my role (but also failed to offer me any alternatives).
I never actually got to the grievance stage even though I was prepared to, but I just felt lucky to have a job in the first place.
But you know what, in the last 3 months, NINE of my colleagues have quit without having a job lined up. That cannot be normal, not in this climate that's for sure!
But there you are, I guess all this thrashing out leads to that conclusion.
It's so wrong though! Maybe I can persuade someone else, who's more of a leader than I am, to start the revolution...

sounds like exactly the sort of work that could be done from home!

I have massive sympathy - making a big decision like leaving your job is scary, but the reason you feel trapped is that you feel the situation is out of your control. And when that happens, it makes you feel miserable.

I guess you need to weigh up your unhappiness against making the decision to leave (without a job to go to). It is so hard to job hunt properly when you have a job that is sapping all your energy but perhaps if you said to yourself, I will commit to myself that one day a week I will look and apply for a whole load of jobs (while working)...not every day because I imagine you'll find it too stressful but just one day a week. Start making yourself a few small promises because little acts like that will make you feel positive and the more positive you are, the chances of you getting another job and making a decision get higher. And give yourself a time limit. Tell yourself for 3 months, you will apply for anything and everything that looks possible. Then you'll give yourself a few weeks off to get a break and then start again.

Good luck. I hope you can start moving towards something better even if it's a slow process.

My step brother is fluent in Russian and German and works for a London council dept and they are excellent for flexi hours.

Start looking at local govt jobs

If you don't mind saying which part/s of London? What language/s? Salary requirements? Dependent on area, my father is a useful contact.