Problem with childminder - am I over-reacting?

[Moomin]

Sorry this is a bit long...

I work 3 days a week. Dd goes to a registered childminder for one day, who has excellent reputation, fantastic ofsted, etc and we're very happy with her. Dd loves being there and mixes very well and she's coming on a bundle. When dd started there there was only a vacancy for one day so we decided we'd just wait for the other 2 days and find help elsewhere for the other 2 days.

This help came in the form of our cleaner, who is an old friend of the family. She used to be a registered childminder but as her kids got older she stopped doing it. She offered to take dd for the other 2 days and she has been wonderful on the whole. She's very lively, dd adores her and we liked the contrast between the 2 childminders as the one is very organised and has a structure and the other has a very positive and loving outlook but more of a happy-go-lucky outlook. We obviously pay CM2 the going rate but she's not registered, so things are run on a much more casual and flexible basis. Our 2nd childminder also babysits frequently for us and won't take payment. We really like her, her dh and 2 kids.

However, as dd has got a bit older (she's now 20m) we would like her to socialise a bit more. She started going to a toddlers group once a week with Childminder no2 which she loves. But I've noticed that our childminder often builds her day up around what SHE is doing rather than what's sometimes best for dd. Quite often they'll skip toddlers group if CM isn't in the mood and even tho they do something else instead it's usually going round to CM's friend's house or into town shopping, etc. This being so, dd misses out on her naps quite often. While she's with CM2 she's occupied and so perhaps doesn't have time to get grumpy through lack of sleep but when dh and I come home, we really get the brunt of it. Last week, dd had no sleep both days she was with CM2 and she was in a terrible state. This is no good for her, but also takes away from the quality time we would usually have with her at the end of the day. I think things are generally getting a bit "slack" but because of the informal arrangements, and also because we know her (and she's a very sensitive soul) it's harder to lay down rules than it is with CM1.

I truely don't want to upset her and part of me thinks, well, dd adores her, she's very happy (except when she doesn't get enough sleep!) and it won't be forever. CM2 is such a lovely person that I don't want to risk hurting her feelings and deny dd the chance to get to know someone she may well have a relationship with as she grows up. On the other hand, I do feel like I'm losing control of the situation a bit and it's bothering me. Any suggestions? (BTW, there are no other vacancies with CM1 until October)

My two boys go to day nursery for two days a week, the rest of the time their either with DH, myself, or all together.
Their day in nursery is very structured,but the days with us, usually fit in with whatever we are doing.
I've always thought it a good thing, that not all their days are structured. IMO children benefit just as much to be taken, shopping, go visiting,travel on public transport, etc.
I used to go to toddler groups with my DS's, but used to get board just sitting in a room with other Mums, when we could have been out doing more interesting things.
Surely, what your DD is experiencing with CM2 is real life. She is still socialising by meeting people while their out, and experiencing a wider range of things.She proberbly takes DD to see her friends because she wants to show her off, and DD proberbly gets loads of attention.
IMO you have an ideal mix of both, however, if it does bother you, couldn't you suggest to CM2 a few places, she might like to take her, perhaps she gets board with mother and toddler.

Hi Moomin, i agree a lot with jac34. I think they sometimes enjoy the "mundane" stuff, more than the arranged activities. My youngest enjoys zooming around Tesco's in a trolley just as much as toddler group. And as it is only two days a week I wouldn't worry too much. If your dd is interacting with other kids on some of the other days i'd say you had a good mix. The only thing I would mention to CM2 is the sleep thing, and however sensitive she is I can't see her minding you (nicely!) pointing out that your dd really does need her nap and you'd appreciate it if she could ensure she gets one.

I haven't had much experience of using childcare, but I always thought that the difference between having a CM and a nanny was that the child would be expected to fit in alot more with the CM's routine rather that the other way round with a nanny. I mean nannies are there just for your children, whereas CM often have their own families and your little one gets treated as part of a kinda extended family. It is more informal.

Maybe you need a nanny who centres on your DD rather that a CM.

Not that I have had either but I thought the difference between a childminder and a nanny was about 50 quid a day ...

Moomin, I agree re the informal things being as nice for a child that age as the M&T groups etc, so I wouldn't be worried on that score. I'm sure she won't get cross if you mention the nap thing tactfully either. But I would be worried I think about consistently using a childminder who isn't registered. I've a feeling you're both breaking the law in doing this. It may not bother you both and if not, apologies for mentioning it, I just thought you might like to know. Otherwise, I agree with the others, your dd sounds happy and that's the main thing. Would cm2 be happy to re-register?

We talked about her re-registering at the time she started looking after dd. However, she said she probably wouldn't be allowed to as her house is not suitable any more for it to be done officially. Her kids are older now and they have pets like a rat and a parrot, for instance! I spose what we're doing is slightly dodgy (as in insurance, etc) but it's the same as a family member looking after dd except we also pay her - can this be seen as "expenses"? We also miss out on any benefit from child tax credit because she's not registered. Can CM2 be registered at the address of the child if this is where the child-minding is based?

This is a bit of a side issue though. Generally, I think the advice below is really good. I need to ease off a bit on being worried about the activities bit but I definitely will say sg about the sleeping. I certainly don't want a nanny - nor could I afford it by any stretch, so I need to be a bit more flexible. As I said before, dd is so happy with both CMs and they, in turn, love her dearly. I'm luckier than perhaps I give them credit for. But what www said about the legal aspects has niggled me a bit. Anyone know anything further about this?

Moomim, I've done a few google searches and it does look like she really should be registered. If she doesn't want to register she shouldn't really be doing the job, legally. If she were a family member it would be fine - she wouldn't need to be registered but since she isn't and is doing it for money she is breaking the law. I think it might affect her home and car insurance too. Maybe the ofsted site, here will be helpful? Anyway, it really is up to you, sorry if this is cold water on what sounds like a lovely arrangement in every other way. Good luck.

Thanks www. I've just looked at ofsted's guide to childminding and it said that even though we pay CM2, she does not need to be registered if she looks after dd wholly or mostly in dd's own home, which is what we do. Hurrah!

Oh I'm relieved for you Moomin!