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Original poster

Sick with guilt about return to work

10 replies

CheerfulSoul · 17/06/2009 21:47

I'm going back to work soon after taking 12 months off with my ds. I love my job but I'm only going back 3 days a week so that I can spend 4 days with my ds. He's gorgeous and my world revolves around him but I need the mental stimulation from work, not to mention the money.

I feel sick with guilt about leaving him in nursery. We've chosen carefully - it's a lovely place and two of his friends are going there too - but my heart breaks when I think of him crying because I've left him. I feel so selfish and cruel. It's inevitable that he'll be upset at first and I can't bear the thought of causing him any distress.

Has anyone else had (and overcome?) these feelings?

OP posts:
isittooearlyforgin · 17/06/2009 21:55

hi there! Sorry you are feeling dreadful. Know it can be sad to leave dc for first time bit also think that children can get a lot from being in a stimulating environment outside the home and learning that mum goes but always comes back. I go to work for 2 days a week and love it. At first ds was unhappy when i left him but now enjoys being at cm and has learned if i go shopping not to be upset as he knows i will return. has also made a closer relationship with dh as he picks him up

reikizen · 17/06/2009 21:55

Nope sorry! I skipped back to work both times! I just couldn't buy into that guilt business, life is too short to spend your time regretting decisions. And I know women are supposed to feel devastated by it but I just didn't tbh. That's not to say that I don't love my children or enjoy their company just that I can't bear being a stay at home mum. You will have to be parted from him sometime, at school or whatever. Sorry you feel so bad though.

Kiwinyc · 17/06/2009 22:04

I do 3 days a week and love it its a great balance. I wouldn't feel guilty, they love Nursery, and its good for them to spend time with other littlies.

I'd stop dwelling on it, you sound like you're overreacting tbh, but it is harder on parents than the children.

spicemonster · 17/06/2009 22:10

He's going to be fine you know. He might cry at first but that's because he's never been apart from you so it's going to be a bit strange. But he'll really enjoy it and so will you. My DS is always thrilled to go off to his childminder's - never gives me a backward glance.

Portofino · 17/06/2009 22:15

I went back to work when dd was 5.5 months old. I sobbed my heart out. Dd seemed to enjoy it! Guilt is a pointless exercise. You have chosen the best place for your dc. He will ENJOY the stimulation of different people and other children.

They do so much stuff at nursery, even with the little ones! I was amazed at some of things they got up to = things I would neever have imagined doing at home/couldn't put up with the mess.

The upside of them starting when they are so little is they start to socialise and make friends early. DD has always been so confident and happy. It could be in her nature I suppose, but I always put this down to the good job the nursery did.

Noonki · 17/06/2009 22:15

My DS2 was really upest when he started at his childminder for the first couple of weeks,;

he goes 1.5 days a week, he started at about aged one and for a few weeks did have tears as I left.

Now he is just 2 and calls her 'my theresa

I am 'my mummy'

he regularly cries to when I pick him up as he is having such fun (she adores him)

I work 3 days and have worked f/t and been a sahm during the last 4 years and have to say p/t is the best.

I am so excited to have time off with them that I find I am a much better mum.

wobbegong · 17/06/2009 22:53

It's difficult, isn't it? But things will look very very different in a month or two, trust me.

I found this leaflet useful because it explains about attachment/ parting from the point of view of both the baby and the parent.

separations and changes in the early years

Might be worth a look.

BunnyLebowski · 18/06/2009 09:31

Hi Cheerful and sorry you're feeling so bad.

I was exactly the same. I asked work if I could do 3 days and they said 4. In a way this made my decision easier because 4 days childcare more or less wiped out my wage.

I handed in my notice this morning and feel completely liberated and happy.

I will get to be there for all dd's special moments. First steps, first word. I know it will be hard but it will be worth it.

I'm going to look for evening/weekend bar/waitressing work so that I earn a bit of money and have some independence and a life outside of the home.

I think you'll know in your heart what is right for you and your ds.

If he does go to nursery and you know it's a good one then I'm sure he'll be fine and will have lots of fun with his friends.

Just trust your instincts and do what is right for your family.

violethill · 19/06/2009 19:37

It will all work out fine, and as you say, your son will no doubt settle in and enjoy it. So, your feeling are about YOU not him. Just try to look at it that you're actually being UNselfish - you are going out and earning to help support your family, and as you say, getting more mental stimulation. Doesn't mean you don't love your son at all! I bet your partner doesn't do the guilt thing! We all feel a bit of a twinge when first going back - but you'll soon be back in the swing and enjoying it

Original poster
CheerfulSoul · 19/06/2009 22:06

Thanks everyone for your support.
And thanks wobbegong for the leaflet - it is very helpful.

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