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Original poster

Should I go back when baby is eight months or wait?

17 replies

Newbydrew · 16/05/2009 20:54

Please help.

This week I told my boss (though not signed anything yet) that I'm going back in September, when DS is eight months. I'll be doing two weeks of four days and two weeks of five, and will have to go away for a couple of nights occasionally.

Since then, I've got the willies. I saw two eight-month-old babies this week and they seemed far too young for me to be leaving mine in nursery virtually full time (prefer nursery to childminder, BTW). And it started to seem crazy to go back any earlier than I really have to (January) - it will cost us loads for me not to go back until a year but it feels worth paying for. DH thinks we need the money but is on my side if I really want to be with DS for as long as possible.

So: shall I risk annoying my boss (with whom I have a great relationship) by mucking him about, if it means more time with my baby; will my baby find the separation easier if he's younger; will I regret it if I go back when he's so little?

I can't work any more part-time than outlined above as it's not possible to get my job done. It's also possible that if I do postpone my return then my boss will insist I return full-time, five days a week. Perhaps I should return when I can at least work four days a week some of the time? Help!

OP posts:

nooka · 16/05/2009 21:07

I went back to work when my ds was six months, and had no separation issues at all. He didn't go to nursery though, we found a nanny and kept the costs down because she had a little boy of her own, so I paid the equivalent of shared care. It's difficult to advise you on whether or not you will regret it because it's very personal. I'm sure lots and lots of people will tell you to stay off for as long as you can, but that doesn't necessarily mean it is the right choice for you. How about doing a list of pros and cons? If you get back to your boss soon I expect you can work things out whatever you decide, and if your relationship is good then I'm sure you changing your mind at this point (well in advance) won't dent it terribly. You might also find that you can reach a compromise - for example go back say for December for less hours (handy to have extra cash for Christmas) and if it is for a defined fixed time that might work (I did a three day week for the first month before resuming full time work and that worked really well - to be honest I was too tired for full time to start with in any case).

Original poster

Newbydrew · 16/05/2009 21:48

Thanks Nooka - really reassuring to read your message, and I'm glad you think that if I say something now then my boss might not be too annoyed.

OP posts:

nooka · 17/05/2009 03:05

From the point of view of an ex-boss (I don't manage anyone at the moment), it's the notice that really matters. So going back and saying that you are not sure and want to work out another arrangement really soon is OK - it's leaving it until the week before you are due to start that causes real problems! Good luck with your decision!

mummyfantastico · 17/05/2009 03:20

I left DD1 at nursery full time at 3 months and had no seperation issues from her, although I felt evil!(lovely small nursery though, like a real home from home)
I left DD2 at 6 months but that was a bit different because by then I worked at the lovely nursery and got to see a fair bit of DD, but again no seperation issues.
Having seen lots of kids start nursery, often it gets harder as they get older and they understand they are being left. By the time mine realised it they were used to it.
Good luck!

nappyaddict · 17/05/2009 04:37

Personally if it was me I wouldn't agree to back until I was ready. So say when DS is 10 months old you feel ready to go back then you can speak to your boss and give him the appropiate notice and then go back.

tribpot · 17/05/2009 06:50

Agree with nooka. Presumably someone is covering your maternity leave and presumably said someone knows the contract may be up to one year, with a month's notice? So from his perspective the important thing is to have someone in to do the work, not necessarily who if you know what I mean. (This is not to say I regard my staff as interchangeable pawns on my private chessboard but after 5 or so months your cover should be performing adequately).

The argument that you might have to go back full time if you wait doesn't wash for me; if you can do the job p-t in October you can do it in January. Unless there is something significant happening in January that means you'd have to be f-t by then anyway?

I tend to agree, though, that leaving them at an earlier age can be easier in some ways. I didn't and now age 3.11 my ds still hasn't really settled at nursery. A lot of that is down to him being him, though. Do any of your local nurseries have 'stay and play' so you can go and see what you think of it? Equally, without adequate notice you may struggle to get a nursery place anyway?

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Gruffalette · 17/05/2009 21:30

Put it off as long as you can. Your baby does need you there as long as possible in an ideal world. Separation anxiety is not something you can plan around - it will hit each baby at a different time. It hit mine dreadfully around 8 months to be honest and I am so so glad I waited until almost a year (had been planning to go back about 7 months) when she was much more ready. It isn't possible to know if this will be the case for you but what I am saying is that unless you leave them before about 6 months then you will go through separation anxiety regardless.

If you are bf then that's another reason to extend the leave. I haven't had to give it up but then my DC is happy to go all day without it and wait for me to come home but at 8 months I am afraid things would have much more difficult in that respect also - although I am sure not impossible.

Like you we took a big financial hit to take the full year but you know what it was so worth it. That time for just mother and baby will never come back again as baby will grow independent before you can believe and once you are back at work you will find it hits you hard how much time you lose.

Take it take it take it!!! AND GOOD LUCK!!

thisisyesterday · 17/05/2009 21:39

i would spend as much time with baby as possible

Noonki · 17/05/2009 21:53

I would take as long off as poss. You will look back in a few years and it will have flown by.

I would recommend going to a childminder rather than nursery. Mine is so wonderful it's like leaving them with a relative who loves them and knows their likes and dislikes. Mine also does school pick ups so she has kids that are nine that she looked after as baby's. My DSs adores her.

Orissiah · 18/05/2009 13:16

My LO was a little older when I returned to work fulltime - she was 10 months old. But we sent her to a childminder (two of them worked together in the same house) and they have just 2 other babies (6 months older than my LO). It is a home from home and she loves it and therefore I enjoy my time at work more because I am not worrying her. Separation has yet to hit us so hopefully by the time it does she will see the childminders as part of her family so there should be few tears (fingers crossed). I was left with a childminder fulltime when I was 8 months old and became a very social and confident little toddler with no stranger anxiety at all.

Depends on you and your child really.

systemsaddict · 18/05/2009 13:25

I don't think 8 months is necessarily too young, it depends on the situation. I went back 70% when both of mine were quite small - 4 mths and 5 mths respectively - they are both blissfully happy at the nursery and I'm happy to be back at work. It is right for us, though I know it wouldn't be for many; I am not really cut out to look after babies full-time and we all get fractious! Also I kept bf-ing them both till they were a year - if that is an issue it doesn't have to stop, though it depends on your work as to how easy expressing is.

Ultimately it's your call and I'd say you should go with your instincts. I wouldn't go back to work just to not annoy your boss though.

Mamulik · 19/05/2009 11:06

To leave 8 monts old in nursery with strangers just horrible, please stay at home until he is 1 year old. Let your husband work - he is a man and he have to support you and baby.

Kiwinyc · 20/05/2009 14:11

I went back to work when my DD1 was 9mths and it was fine. But since you're allowed a yr off I'd wait (I did with DD2) unless you need to go back for the money? I don't think that age is too young, they're just starting to get much more mobile and curious about the world so Nursery can also be an excellent environment for them.

Do be aware that they will succumb to every cold/flu and tummy bug going and the first few months are stressful because they spent a lot of time ill. After you get through this I've found they develop incredible immune systems so there is some compensation.

In terms of seperation anxiety I didn't experience any with DD1 at 9mths or DD2 at 12mths when she started Nursery.

lechatnoir · 20/05/2009 21:40

Not sure Mamulik's comment is desperately helpful - what about those of us who are the breadwinners eh? Anyhoo, with my DS I had 11 months off but would have been OK going back at 9 months but not before. I initial started 3 days a week and then gradually built up and I think that really helped both of us settle into a routine that worked and for DS to settle with his CM. Although my son now attend a nursery that we're happy with, I wouldn't have felt comfortable with him being at nursery from 8am - 6pm all week at such a young age.

HTH

LCN

lechatnoir · 20/05/2009 21:42

HTH

LCN

cthea · 20/05/2009 21:45

"Let your husband work - he is a man and he have to support you and baby." Words fail me. Some marriages are a partnership, someone tell Mamulik.

bosch · 20/05/2009 21:47

I have only worked p/t since having ds's so am in different position to you, but for what it's worth, ds1 and 2 were much easier to settle in nursery at 4 and 6 months than ds3 at 11 months (virtually 1 year).

I do think separation anxiety kicks in around first birthday so it might be worth doing what lechatnoir suggests and starting before your ds is a year but starting 'slowly'.

Good luck

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