I dont want to back to work!!!

[barnpot]

following a horrible, unimagineable birth ans a rough 8 months, we've just been told that my son may have some cerebral palsy.
I am due to go back to work in september, but am really not looking forward to it. I have 3 options open to me:

1. go back to work 3 days a week and pretend everything is ok, while secretly thinking that everything is not ok, and constantly texting the babysitter (my mum) for reassurance.
2. staggered return to work, maybe do 1-2 days a week for a couple of months until I can return full time. however will not get full pay which we will be needing by this time, and still be anxiously texting the babysitter.
3. go back for 1 shift declare i cant cope then get signed off sick for 6 months with pnd. which i have been told by a doctor I could do. will get full pay, however will feel rotten that i have let everyone down, but i believe people will understand.

my son really needs me at the momement but I can gradually see he is getting more independant, and willing to let me g for a short while. as a young baby I did attachment parenting. I will be leaving him with someone I have an excellant relationship with, and I know she would do everything I would do, except the BFing!! any Ideas what I should do?

September is a long time away, your son will be with someone you (and he) love and trust, and you need the money.

Going back to work after a traumatic time is always going to be hard, but the reality is much better than the thought of it.

I don't think a staggered return will help, and lying about having PND is just plain wrong imo.

So plan on going back to work in September, and take things as they come

I think the first thing I would say is pleasedon't waste your summer fretting about what you are planning to do in September, you don't want to waste the next 3 months desparately pondering what you may or may not do regading work. Also you are second guessing how you may feel in three months, it could well be that you may feel entirely different and more postive about going back to work.

It is very, very lucky that your mum will be the babysitter, at least you won't have the added stress of putting your DS in a nursery or something. Look at that as a marvellous positive.

I think to plan a staggered start, e.g go in for 1 day for a couple of weeks, 2 days for another couple of weeks building up to your full 3 days after a month. Yes, you will have the added burden of having less money, however if you plan this now, and put it in place with your employers, you don't have to fret and worry about the decision.

Personally think it is completely wrong to go back for one day and get signed off for PND and think your GP is very remiss to advise you that. Does your GP actually think you have PND and is he helping you now? Or is he just advising you to scam the system? I would not advise going down that road at all.

my gp thinks I have mild pnd ( i blame myself for his crap start) with major post traumatic stress. but has said that I dont want to go off work with a stress disorded, I dont know why?
my ma is fantastic and we are soooo lucky to have her

I think you should go for the staggered start and see how you feel, knowing that if you really can't cope then you can stop.

September is a long way away, and it's great that your GP is sympathetic and understanding. The way I see it is your GP thinks you are ill enough with PND to remain off work if you think that's the best thing for you. When my DP had depression (not postnatal obviously) the doctor gave him a sick note and said he could choose whether to go into work or whether to hand in the note, depending on which he felt would help him the most.

You have a while to go yet, as GetOrf says don't waste your summer worrying about it when you have choices that can't be made until you get there.

To be honest I had mild PND (well, it was diagnosed as such but I think Iwas just depressed in general after XDP buggered off with another woman when dd was 3 months old, but that's another story), which I know is not the same as PTSD, however I went back to work when dd was just under 4 months, and to be perfectly honest it did me the world of good. The wonderful thing about work is that it does take your mind of worrying about yourself and your own world; before I went back to work I was constantly fretting about what would happen to me and dd, how much a failure I was, blaming myself for XDP having left, obsessing about keeping the house clean, all sorts.

Actually having to do something and having to have a very well planned day helped enormously. I really do think that going back to work helped me conserve my sanity.

I have to say if your gp is willing to sign you off for 6 months then it isn't dishonest.... you have to have a degree of PND and/or PTSD for them to be willing to sign you off for any time at all let alone 6 months. I can see you think it is being dishonest but sometimes your GP can see more clearly what is going on. I had depression and fought tooth and nail not to be signed off work (I thought it would be letting people down etc etc) in the end had a month off - best thing I ever did.

thanks everyone, I will forget about it for awhile, and readress it when the time is nearer, i may feel differently then. I will take the time off if needed. x

By Sept you may well feel more positive about work.

The last option is just plain wrong. No one should attempt to get time off work for illness unless they are geniunely ill and cannot work. The fact that you feel your son will need you is not a reason to be signed off sick. If you can't deal with letting your baby go a bit and getting back to work, then give in your notice and let someone else do your job.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I've known a couple of people who have admitted to this sort of behaviour and it's disgraceful - either you're ill or you're not - sick leave shouldn't be an easy way of not working and still getting paid.

hi, i am barnpots mum and i am driven to defend my daughters way of thinking regarding her return to work. she is a wonderful and dedicated nurse who has never taken time of sick unless needed in the past, she has worked since leaving college and had planned her return to work with care. however she could not anticipate a traumatic birth and all the problems she has encountered since. I am livid that you should say she would be thinking of taking this course lightly. If your baby had spent 3 weeks in intensive care not knowing if he would live or die, if you had spent 6 months trying to calm a distressed and in pain baby who was so anaemic he was almost transparent (we were obviously not aware of this while this was going on)who then went on to develop epileptic fits. When you spend 3 hours in A&E with a baby having fit after fit and the subsequent months seeing how this has affected his development, and then when things are quietening down to hear professionals talk of cerebral palsy and see for yourself the developmental delay when all around you other mums have normally developing babies, the psychological blows these facts deliver is enough to give anyone severe depression and PND. her and elliots future is uncertain adding to the constant anxiety and fear, anyone in this situation would be gibbering in a corner, the fact that she cares for elli with such love and devotion is a miracle to me. Go lecture to the single mums who have never worked or paid taxes, yet have babies without thinking of the consequences. elli is loved and was planned and my daughter had plans in place to go back to work, unfortnately life had other plans. When you put your "normal" baby to bed and get a decent nights sleep, just think of other mums who are not so lucky, and then see if your attitude changes. DD will go to work as soon as she can, but not if the price she pays is a total breakdown. Do the people you know who have admitted to taking time off sick have sick children or do they just fancy havng extra mternity leave. Would you still be carping if she broke her leg and took time off. mental stress is just as disabling.

How very convincing barnpot's "mum".

Look - if you are genuinely ill, you take sick leave. If you aren't, you shouldn't because it's taking the piss.

And I had a very sick premature baby, who continues to have problems as an older child. You just get on with it, or give up work if that's the better option for you and your family.

I don't think that anyone was really doubting the problems that barnpot is facing, or the genuineness of her trauma.

I think that what is bothering people is the deliberate nature of her plan i.e. "go back for 1 shift declare i cant cope then get signed off sick for 6 months with pnd. .... will get full pay"

That is entirely different from genuinely attempting to return to work and then discovering after a couple of months that the mental stress is unsustainable.

If she had broken her leg, her doctor would sign her off work NOW and she would not be able to return to work. She would not return to work then plan to break her leg.

I am totally sympathetic to barnpot's pdn and ptsd, and I also sense that barnpot herself does think that option 3 is entirely correct. I am not sure that taking an action which is against her own values would actually serve to help her mental stress.

"Look - if you are genuinely ill, you take sick leave. If you aren't, you shouldn't"
I really wish my life was as black and white as that.
I have been told by a doctor that I could take 6 months off sick. I personally wouldn't want to do this, as i would feel like i am letting down my colleagues, however whn they know the full story they would understand, as they are a great bunch of people.
by september I would have taken a year off work which we have financed ON OUR OWN.
giving up work is not an option, ATM we own our home which is in a great area, have 2 new cars, have no debt, and 2 lovely families near by. neither me nor my dh are in high paid jobs, but are both honest and have worked hard.
It also seems wrong to me that some girls see having a child as a free passport to gaining property and benefits, and not giving a toss about the baby. but them exploiting the system is ok i suppose??
I know of people who have had 6 month mat leave then gone off sick for 6 months with pnd, then got pregnant again. this to me makes no sense, and is wrong.
all my mum was saying (and BTW she is my mum) is that you were too quick to judge me and the possible option which is open to me.
My son is my highest priority, not just short term, unfortunatly I cant be in 2 places at once.
In my situation, wouldn't you want to stay off work and devote yourself to your child as long as feesably possible???

thank you beinghonest.

Hi Barnpot even before I read your mum's post (and as you know I know most of the details anyway)

I would say that give it a go with an open mind. The possibility of time off sick is there if you need it. As a nurse you have a stressful job and it's of no benefit to anyone you being in work if you can't cope. It wouldn't be playing the system.

You may find when you get back to work that it's a relief not to have to be worrying about Elliot all day, you may not.

I think stagered start is a good idea - but that's just my opinion.

Good luck in your decision

sorry for stereotyping re mums relying on benefits but i was just putting across a point.I know mums in this situation and it is not straightforward. Regarding the cars , they were bought when i had every intention of returning to work full time in september, also the bigger house. of course we would get rid of one of the cars if necessary, we did not know there would be problems. We are in the dilemma of me giving up work to care for els and having our house reposessed as my husband alone cannot cover the bills, or takng a course i dont want. I will be going back for a staggered return and see how I cope mentally with the stress. If it goes well and els is coping and progressing I will go part time. With cerebral palsy the first 2 years of life are vital in maintaining daily physio therapy as that is when most progress is made. If I miss this opportunity to help els I will never forgive myself, and as I already feel guilty that his birth was traumatic (even though I know I did nothing wrong)I dont know what I,ll do to forgive myself. Some lucky women have the luxury of a high earning husband so they can stay at home, We all envy them, but the reality for 2 thirds of mums with toddlers and babies is we must work.
If it made els better I'd work full time until I'm 80!!

I know the child care fees are stupid, and I didn't mean ALL people on benefits are diddling the system. I have a disabled father who needs his bebefits to survive, and these things aren't always straight forward.
I think I know what I am going to do