how do I deal with snipes, jibes and yes, I guess you could call it, harassment...

[peanutbrittle]

so, not to many details in case RL intervenes but the basics:

I am a senior manager in tiny company - there are only 20 of us, there are two MDs to whom I report. they are both fairly brusque individuals, hard to get on with but we manage. One of them seems to have a bit of a superiority complex (he is very clever, but boy does he relish reminding everyone)which I can generally take. I've always managed. They piss me off periodically and I get irate about things but I get over it.

My GP wanted to sign me off for stress recently after one particular incident that I found difficult to deal with (basically he humiliated me over a stupid thing in a meeting) but I decided to stick it out. Last week there was another incident, this time in writing over email in which I was trying to be helpful about something and he retorted with a very superior response, basically putting me in my place and ensuring I would never challenge his superior judgement again.

Then yesterday, again in a meeting, when I mentioned that I wasn't happy with my laptop's performance (which I have reported on a number of occasions to no avail) he asked "oh what is it? don't you like the colour?" I was dumbfounded, though I don't know why as this is exactly the sort of stuff he does again and again. He always says something like "oh that was a joke" or "I shouldn't have said that" afterwards but I don't think that is any excuse. I didn't say anything there and then but I am starting to think I need to.

I've suffered from (probably stress induced) depression for about 18 mths and have had low self esteem for years but I have been working on helping myself over the past couple of years. Maybe I am now finally feeling confident/assertive enough to try to deal with this. I am totally sick of it.

any thoughts on what I should do , how I could approach this?

At the moment I just feel like emailing him and telling him exactly how I feel...possibly wouldn't be my wisest move! or maybe it would...

Peanutbrittle - I've had a few work ishoos recently.

It's gotten to the point where I asked my DH (police officer) at what point is his physical behaviour classed as assault. The very next day when I was back at work, he prodded me in the arm whilst trying to get me to attend an out of hours meeting. I hissed at him "Don't touch me!" and since then he's been extremely professional towards me....We'll see how he behaves tomorrow.

I hope you are able to resolve your working relationship with him. All the very best. I'm a cheering you on!

i hope you manage a solution peanut.

just wanted to say thanks to leningrad. i am on secondment at the moment and whilst i have been away for a year, a former team member was made up to manager, i have worked with him for 5 years, and i always really really really liked him.

our jobs mean that we don't meet very often, however we have recently met twice within a short space of time.

the first time, i sat and had an informal chat, then as i was going he made a jibe on my account aimed at the rest of the open plan office, i laughed it off.

then the second time he did the same thing again, belittling me about something and nothing in front of someone else in the office.

and i am wondering whether this is the only method he knows to show me that he is now alpha dog in the old team which i am due to go back to in a few months.

anyway, this has been unduly worrying me - how to handle it - and leningrads comment is perfect, "why do you say that, it hurts my feelings" certainly, in my environment with a person i believe to be usually reasonable, will be the perfect solution, instead of escalating a situation by either saying something out of order or involving HR.

i was bullied as a kid, and i simply will not accept it as an adult.

gosh - thanks everyone

am just checking in now while getting kids tea but will come back when they are in bed and read everything properly

IF it helps i had a boss that used to make sexual comments all the blardy time - i was a trainee in a law firm of all places so you would think they would know better.

At first i laughed - but it got worse - i ignored it they carried on eventually he made a "joke" about someone bending over the filing cabinet!!

At which point i had had enough of it - i told him his behaviour was unacceptable - he told me that he behaved that way in front of the other male trainee - i pointed out that he made jokes in front of the male trainee but the jokes in front of me were aimed at me IYSWIM - i told him i did not find it funny in anyway and it was pissing me off. He told me i would laugh if i was in the pub - i informed him i wouldnt laugh and if my dh heard me being spoke to in that manner he would take them outside and make sure they never repeated it to anyone again.

Because i stood up to him - he apologised and didnt do it again and made sure his colleague didnt either - i left about 6 months later anyway but i think you must stand up to bullies like that.

I do feel talk of sex discrimination and sexual harassment based on the information given is premature. The only incident the OP has described which could remotely be argued as something that might not be said to a male colleague would be the comment about not liking the colour of the laptop. Unless there's more to it that we don't know, I think talking in terms of sex discrimination is very premature. There has been nothing at all mentioned that could be sexual harassment either.

Sex discrimination is awful and obviously should be addressed immediately where it occurs as should sexual harassment but rushing to label something as sexual harassment or as sex discrimination prematurely does no female any favours at all and is likely to result in eye-rolling.

The treatment the OP is receiving is not acceptable, obviously. But on the face of it none of it is because she is a woman, and none of it is sexual in nature. It's perfectly possible for a man to treat a woman not particularly well or professionally and it not be anything to do with her sex. It could just be because he's not a particularly pleasant or professional individual and he feels the OP is a bit of an easy target in that she will let him get away with it.

The OP has had some good advice about dealing with it effectively, making sure he doesn't get away with it and maintaining a reasonable working relationship as well, which is to everyone's advantage and I think that's definitely the way to go. Obviously if the more pragmatic solutions fail to improve things, a formal complaint might be the way to go later on.

thanks again everyone - I have jad brilliant advice on here, and great support too, and for that I am hugely grateful.

I am going to start as leningrad and others suggested, and have a word with him 1 to 1. I am fairly sure he will be horrified. Underneath it all he is probably a decent, though old fashioned and superior feeling, individual and as leningrad so brilliantly pointed out (sometimes in situations like this it is great to be reminded of stuff like this) I am not seeking to alienate or cause difficulties, merely to get our working relationship and atmosphere onto a reasonable and pleasant professional basis.

In terms of the sexual discrimation/harassment side of things - you are right, am fairly sure there would be limited grounds I was just stil fuming about that colour of the laptop comment which he would never have levelled at any of the male members of staff. I already did ask others who were present if they thought it was out of order and they did. But as you say, no point in bringing that the SD/H thing up now, that was a fairly minor thing compared to what some of you have described.

Thanks for all the stories of how people have met this and overcome it. That gives me strength for what's to come. And thanks also, after reading your responses I will know better than to ever accept anything like this again, but to comment immediately it happens.

You guys rock!!!

Peanut I think your observation that this man will be horrified and is decent generally highlights that you are choosing the correct course of action.

When in a difficult situation, the best thing to do is think about the end result you want, and work out in your particular situation what action from you is most likely to achieve that result.

When someone is not being malicious and the result you want is for this treatment to stop and for a reasonable working relationship to be continued, your plan is definitely the best thing to do.