conflicted and breaking into cold sweat at thought of leaving dd

[dol1y]

I have a well paid job but currently on maternity leave. The thought of returning to my job makes me feel sick. It is a high pressured and male dominated environment - I felt like an alien when I was pregnant and made to feel that I had done something wrong in getting pregnant. I was made to work ridiculous hours when I was pregnant (despite having had two previous miscarriages and being advised to take things as slowly as possible in the first 16 weeks). After a series of all nighters trying to close a transaction when I was 32 weeks pregnant, my GP signed me off with exhaustion. When I got back to work after a week's leave it was made obvious that my boss was extremely p**sed off. I am so scared of going back - I can't see a way of reconciling my work with my responsibilities to my LO. I am so happy when spending time with her and so frightened that I'll just not be there for her when I go back to work. Even before motherhood and the pregnancies my husband would say that work took everything and I had nothnig left to give by the end of the week. My relationships with friends and family suffered. Since dd came along I feel so blessed - every part of my life has improved and I just dread going back. We need my salary and it has taken me years of training to get my current job as a lawyer - it's in a high profile firm. I feel trapped. If I walk away from this job lots of people will think I am mad - part of me will feel I have let myself down and wasted all the education and training. I wondered if anyone had felt like this and what did they do??

Could you look for another job - part time hours / more flexibility? Local Authorities are quite good for being more family friendly. How long before you are due to go back? Are you planning more children? It is so difficult to get the balance right - but things will work out ok in the end.

I'm really sorry you've been made to feel like this. I'm not a lawyer, but work for a mid-range city firm (I take it you must be magic circle?) and have a number of lawyer friends with young children at other firms and none of them have suffered like you have. If you're in a transactional dept, is there any way you could look to change your dept? Corporate depts are notorious for their all-nighters, and I'm guessing you knew that when you got into your area. On the plus side (for you anyway, not the rest of the world) transactional work has quietened down in the recession, and many firms are looking to implement 4 day weeks, sabaticals etc, so maybe the pressure will have eased off. I can't believe you are the first woman to have a baby in your firm? How would your firm normally accommodate a pregnant woman? Do have any colleagues in Employment that you could talk to?
On the point you make about chaning career and throwing away all your hard work - I used to think like that, and eventually realised that it's all a pile of poo unless you're happy. I think that it's easy to get brainwashed into thinking that there is only one route through life - it starts at school with passing exams and continues for ever after. We surround ourselves with people who have the same goals and ambitions and forget that there are a million and one other options out there. I used What Colour's your parachute, but there are tons of books/advice/help along the same lines.

Let me know how you get on with sorting out your work

I'm looking for a new job at moment but my experience is quite specialised and having a massive attack of lack of confidence. Even trying to get my CV into shape is making me feel anxious. Got a bad case of baby brain - LO is 15 weeks so in some ways it's still fairly early days. I had said that I would go back at 6 months but that seems to be coming round so fast. I would love more children and hope I am lucky enough to have some more. Since dd was born I feel like 'me' for the first time in years - in truth I think I've made a majpr mistake in choice of career - but doesn't seem possible to change it now we have mortgage etc to think about....

I was a lawyer too, still am I suppose, technically
I gave up work when my dd1 was born. I was in a fairly high powered job, but I had nowhere near the negative views that you had about your job. I decided that a high-powered job just didn't mix with being a mother, especially as my dh also has a pressured job. As a family we decided I would be at home with dd for a while and see how it went. That was five years ago and I have not regretted it for second. financially it has been a struggle but we have managed on a very reduced income. it is possible. I loved being at home and had a fantastic time and have some amazing memories of my times at home. I retrained part time as an antenatal teacher then last year started a PgCE. I start work as an English teacher in September. I have never been happier or more fulfilled.
tbh, if I can be blunt, you sound very very unhappy and I can't really see your motivation for going back. to be even blunter (sorry):

"If I walk away from this job lots of people will think I am mad - part of me will feel I have let myself down and wasted all the education and training." - sorry but that is a really really bad reason for doing anything, let alone a basis on which to make important life choices. who CARES what "lots of people" think?? really, anyone that matters will ONLY care about what it RIGHT for you and your family and what makes you happy. Whatever happens, you won't have "wasted" anything. Education is ALWAYS worthwhile. As for letting yourself down - well you will let yourself down and your family if you waste your precious life doing something you hate with people you despise who don't treat you with respect. This job is making you miserable. life is too short to waste your time and obvious talents on it.
HTH

there are LOADS of things that a smart, trained lawyer can do. the world is your OYSTER. really.

I am a lawyer and was with a prestigious firm when I became pregnant with DD. At the time I was only entitled to 16 weeks maternity leave and was absolutely positive that I would go back to work. Like you it was hard wired into me and I had accepted all the subliminal messages that if I did not go back it would be a waste. When it came to it I knew I couldn't do full time and arranged a meeting with the partners to dicuss how I could run the department on a part-time basis. However when I went to the meeting the words that came out were " I don't want to come back". I don't know who was more surprised, me, the firm, or DH who was waiting for me in blissful ignorance.

I stayed at home for 7 years until DS went to school and then started work part time for a local firm. Again I had always been prejudiced about local firms but I'm really happy. The reason I'm telling you all this is don't believe the propoganda you are fed; you can do anything to suit you and your family. The AWS have a mentoring service where you can speak to someone who has faced similar issues or CAT me. In any event be brave; you can find a way to do what you want to do.

Of course I know deep down that what's been said above is right and I welcome the 'blunt' messages. I need to take a deep breath and leave the job and find something that works for us all. Thanks ohnoherewego for the tip about AWS - I wasn't aware. I just need to stop feeling victimised and get out there and change things for myself. Sorry for the whingeing I think that I had allowed myself to get into a negative mindset about it all. Just read my OP and feeling a bit at self pitying tone of it. Time to stop worrying and enjoy being a mummy whilst getting a few job applications in. Fortune favours the brave and all that....!

personally? I would look for another job. you need to be happy and you need to feel that you are giving your child the best you can.
if you don't think you can do that in your current job then leave.

put yourself and your child first, you'll regret it if you don't.

I agree with the advice you've been given here.

You need to separate the two issues: feeling very negative and stressed about your job is entirely separate from your feeling about leaving your dd to return to work. You know that, because you felt like it about your job before having a child. That's a signal that you need to redirect yourself, and find something you find fulfilling and which gives you a good balance in life.

The second issue, leaving your dd - well, all of us who return to work feel that pang at first, but you quickly get into the swing of things and realise that your child is fine and thriving - as long as you are fulfilled too. That won't happen with your present job.

It's not going to be easy as I imagine any change will involve a drop in income etc, but it really sounds like the right thing to do. It really is possible to have kids and carry on working and get the best of both worlds! You just need to find the right job for you.

Agree with what violethill has said. At the moment you can't imagine leaving dd but that may change. However, your job sounds crap and being on leave has brought this into focus.

When dd was tiny I couldn't get my head around leaving her or going back to work at all. Now I'm a couple of weeks away from returning, I'm actually vaguely looking forward to it.

I think having a child makes you reassess your priorities and it's a very positive time for you to change direction.

I'm sure you have thought of this but just be careful with maternity pay. There may be a minimum time you have to go back and work for them, otherwise pay back maternity pay.

Good luck!

I just got back to work after 12 weeks leave. I am a Project Manager in software development and can identify with the all nighters/expectations that the firm owns you. It is tough being back, but not as bad as I thought it would be. the first week was hell, but since then it has not been so bad. This will be the first week where I'll have to pull a few 16 hour days in a row. I feel guilty about leaving my daughter, but frankly we need my salary so I am just trying to cope as best I can.

If you need the money, that can motivate you to go back and just deal with it.

Dolly - every Government Dept employs lawyers, quite a lot of them, both in London and round the country. One of my chums worked in a commercial law firm till her DC was about 2, then switched to in-house lawyer for a well-known organisation, then to a Govt agency, where she's steadily climbed the ranks nearly to head honcho - and this on family friendly/flexible hours. Perhaps you can look into this option? The work can be very interesting indeed - and I bet there's a public sector job somewhere that requires your specialist expertise even if it's in buying commercial property/some kind of procurement rather than EU/intl law compliance.

HTH

I am a lawyer and I used to work for maybe even the same firm as you, Magic Circle. I got pregnant, I had a devastating miscarriage. Partners asked me whether I had really thought about getting pregnant, whether it was planned (I am married, it seemed an odd reaction to my news!). It was seen as a huge inconvenience my being pregnant as indeed was the time off I needed after the loss.

I left them. I am still a lawyer but in the West End. I wanted to be in an environment that was more family friendly since I knew if I got pregnant again whilst at that firm I would be facing the scenario you are in now. I have since had a period of maternity leave and returned to work. Like you once I had my DC nothing else seemed to matter. I did not for one second want to return but we have a giant mortgage and this is hardly the climate to sell up plus my DH earns well but is not as high an earner.

It has not been half as bad as I thought although it is still being made pretty clear to me that me having had a baby is something of an inconvenience - flexible working application not treated very well plus partner comments etc. But that said the environment is a lot more supportive than the Magic Circle and I never never have to do all nighters. In fact I can often leave work at 6 pm. I spend lots of quality time with my DC every day and am now part time also.

I wouldn't care about "wasting" the education and training - by being an intelligent and successful mum you will give of that experience to your DCs and will be an inspiration to them too. Like you I have found something that matters a lot more than the world of law but you have to face reality and if that reality is that you need to work then my advice is to change your environment and work for a smaller outfit or the public sector. It won't be easy to find something new at this t ime but employers are still recruiting and tbh even if you have to suffer a year or two then it will still happen, you can still move on you just need to get the search in motion now.

Or - if you can afford to be a SAHM - then I would say do it. You can always go back to law later on - albeit unlikely in the City but then you are seeing right now that the City is not about real life and love and joy is it so why would you want to go back?

Chin up - you are not alone, not by any means. There's plenty of legal mums - and dads - wishing they were home with the kids instead of making macho statements about all nighters trust me!!

I walked away from a well paid, high profile job I had spent years training for when my first child was born.

I felt exactly like you - completely conflicted and to be honest, terrified at the prospect of juggling a job I knew to be incredibly demanding on a young, single person wth my new life and priorities.

I won't lie to you - I found it difficult to walk away from...and I didn't just walk into some sort of idlyllic 'happy ever after' situation as a SAHM, either. It was hard losing my salary (although we have managed admirably, actually, with some lifestyle adjustments) and it was hard losing my status in social situations. I realised that 'what people thought' mattered a lot to me - too much, probably - and that was a big thing for me to get over.

However, in the long term, it has been a fantastic move for me. I have (eventually) gained a better perspective on my life and got some balance. I had a second child after leaving my 'great' job, which has been wonderful. I love my little family, and have really cherished the time with them at home.

Amazingly - which I never envisaged happening back when I walked out on my job 4 years ago - I am now really ready to go back to the world of work, and have got another great job. Very lucky, I know, but I think it proves that staying at home for a while with your babies doesn't mean the end of your career. Far from it. I feel like I am a more mature, better human being, actually, with a better perspective on things. I gained lots from going with my instincts. I'd say - if you can honestly make ends meet without your salary - that going with your gut might work well for you, too.

I gave up a good career to be a SAHM. Never regretted it.

I hadn't logged on in a while and just wanted to thank everyone for their replies. It is really great to feel that there are people that understand the situation and have been through the same/similar scenario. I'm looking at other opportunities at the moment and hoping that something will bite. If not, I will grin and bear my old job for as long as it takes to find a job that represents the right balance. I really admire those mums that have the guts to be a full time SAHM and it is something I'd love to do for a few years but at the moment the financial side of things won't work with me staying at home. I really am grateful for the posts and can't believe that people have spent the time to post such considered responses.