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Original poster

I am terrified about leaving my baby

17 replies

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 21:38

My baby is 8 months now and I return to work on the 11th of May 2 days a week. Everytime I think about leaving him, I get breathless and my heart starts racing. My main concern is race, I am mixed race and my baby is black. The nursery is 100% white staff and babies, and I realise babies are unaware of race, but I experienced terrible racism at school as a child and I think its affecting me now. I keep thinking that the nursery nurses will make fun of him without him knowing, or make comments about his complexion, afro hair behind my back. I also worry that the other parents will be scared of their babies being around him because of TB and the connection with black people etc. On top of all this I also worry about the actual nursery, the cleanliness(staff have shoes on in the baby room) My baby being traumatised that I have left him, its only me and him, and my 12 year old son in my entire family, I dont know what to do, please help!

OP posts:

Original poster

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 21:47

bump

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ilikeyoursleeves · 20/04/2009 21:51

Ok I think you need to take a deep breath!

It's never easy to leave your LO when you return to work, I was dreading leaving mine when I went back to work (DS was 12 months old) and I was in tears on the first day. But that was the only day I cried as knew he'd be fine and now he adores nursery (he's now 17 months). He goes 2 days a week. He could also be classed as 'mixed race' I guess as I am mixed race and DH is white. DS is the cutest poppet and all the other babies are blonde (yes, ALL!) but the fact that he is darker has honestly never, ever crossed my mind regarding how nursery staff treat him. They should never be negatively commenting on anyones race and if they comment on his hair etc then that doesn't mean they are being racist surely? The staff have said to me that DS has a lovely skintone (olive) and I took it as a compliment!

I guess it depends on your own experiences, if you have been bullied you will be more sensitive to these 'comments' but if you can, you should try not to let your son see any of this anxiety as he will pick up on it and may become anxious himself. I think your worry about TB etc won't at all turn out to be true, if I saw a black baby that wouldn't ever cross my mind! (TBH I didn't even know there was a connection from TB to black people!).

Also, don't worry about shoes on in the babies room. We often have outdoor shoes on in our house (well, DH mainly) and our DS crawls everywhere. He also crawls around dirt in the garden (loved it today!) so you can't and shouldn't avoid all dirt.

Your DS won't be traumatised at all, he will no doubt cry in the early days but he will get used to it and it will be great for him to get to know more people other than his immediate family. I think it can make them more confident and sociable.

Please try not to worry, maybe talk all this through with your HV or something or a friend too?

Good luck x

willowthewispa · 20/04/2009 21:56

I think every mother has fears about leaving her baby for the first time! Did you look at several nurseries? What made you choose this one? Did you look at childminders too?

FWIW the nursery I work in is mostly white - one mixed race and 14 white nursery nurses, 4 non-white children - but I have never heard any racist remarks from children or staff. I have never heard anyone make fun of a child's complexion or hair, or anything like that. I didn't even know there was a connection between TB and black people and again have never heard anyone make a comment about it.

Original poster

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 21:56

Thanks- Its just so scary! Its really hard to know what people really think though, when my older son was 6 he was at a holiday club and a member of the staff said to me, 'How do you see him it the dark, he's so black?' Its just the experiences I've had myself and with my older so too, and I feel so over protective of my little fatty baby

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morningpaper · 20/04/2009 21:57

Aw I'm sorry about this

You sound like you are really suffering from anxiety and these worries about your baby are largely just a 'hook' for your anxiety and stress... Do you have any reason to worry about the race aspects of his care that you have mentioned?

Leaving a baby for work is soooooo hard at the beginning! But two days a week is a lovely time imo - just right. You will get a bit of working-person back which you will enjoy and your baby will make loads of new friends and do fun stuff like being covered in paint...

ilikeyoursleeves · 20/04/2009 21:59

'How do you see him in the dark?' !!!

Original poster

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 22:00

Willowthewispa- I looked at a really nice nursery, but there is a year waiting list, I didn't intend to return to work, but I split with my partner and have to go back short notice......I think thats why its so hard, I'd planned to be a home mum for 4 years at least, which means I have had to find a nursery quickly.

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Original poster

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 22:02

Morningpaper- your right, I did suffer with postnatal stuff, which is probably why the whole mix of issues is making me freak out

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babyOcho · 20/04/2009 22:05

It was my first day at work today and for the past 2 months I have been really upset just thinking about it. I started DD (who is almost 14mo) early at nursery and pushed my return to work date back as well so she has been going for a few weeks. If you can, I would recommend it as it will help you get used to it as well as your DS. Apart from me and DP, our DD has only ever been left with my sister and BIL for 1 day.

During her settling in I cried for the first 2 days which really did make it worse for her. Try not to get too upset in front of him as it really will make it worse for both of you in the long run.

Our DD is mixed race. I am sure that the staff are loving and caring and dont have any issue with race. People who are in childcare are just into children regardless.

Please try not to stress as it really will make it worse for both of you.

gemmummy · 20/04/2009 22:05

babymama i echo the sentiments of others, it's soooo hard to leave your children so you are in no way alone in this. No nursery in this day and age should ever comment on any aspect of a childs appearance, I don't think for one second your nursery will. I put my ds into full time nursery for the first time in jan, he was 14mo. he loves it, today for example he cried and threw a paddy when i came to pick him up, cos he loves it that much. If your gut feeling about the nursery is good, go with it. Trust your mothers instinct, and if needs be, sound out the other parents. Please come back here and talk to us if you need, as a mother who still suffers maternal guilt over leaving her son in full time nursery (even though he very clearly loves it, the traitor,) I woul be happy to talk you through anytjing if it helps.

Desiderata · 20/04/2009 22:06

Sweetheart, there are a couple of things I can tell you.

They should take their shoes off in the baby room, but it's not the end of the world.

I'm sorry that you think your child will be singled out because of the colour of his skin. I don't think it will be a big deal, but I understand why you might think it.

My son's surname is Uren. He will have to endure an entire childhood with kids making pissy jokes at him.

Perspective = strength.

Original poster

babymama31 · 20/04/2009 22:12

Thankyou so much BabyOcho and Gemmummy- I feel better already, he starts his settling in on Monday so I will see how it goes, wish I could have longer with him, he is so tactile, I hope the nursery nurses are allowed to hug the babies. A really small part of me is excited about wearing high heels a suit again

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duchesse · 20/04/2009 22:15

Oh my word, how anxious you sound.

Leaving your baby in the care of someone else is always hard, doubly so if you have fears of this nature.

Are you sure you might not be a little depressed? (or more than that?) The trauma you have from your school racism experiences coming back to the surface makes me wonder that. Also the (sorry, but irrational) fear of what the other parents will think about you/ think about TB. You've had a lot to put up with in the last year what with your split and having to utterly change your plans for the next 4 years. That's a lot to manage on your own. I think you need to talk this through with someone. Maybe you could see the doctor (a nice sympathetic one in your practise) and see what is available to help you through this difficult phase, whether medical or counselling?

usernamechanged345 · 20/04/2009 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkweto · 20/04/2009 22:38

I would echo what Mrs Pickles said, regardless of race..is this nursery right for you ? .. with my first DC, I interviewed several childminders and just felt sick, sick sick.. eventually found the nursery he ended up going to and felt completely at peace as it was the right place for us.. just seen you had to find a nursery quickly, if you are not 100% happy, keep looking even if your LO initally starts there..

I am mixed race, my DC's are mixed race/black and the nursery was predominately white.. my DS had a truly fantastic time there and made loads of friends, it breaks my heart he is not there any more (completely unrelated reasons).... babies really dont see race and typically nurseries celebrates their diversity (ie all the other babies might be white, but they may have lots of different backgrounds, as was the case at our nursery... )

Kiwinyc · 21/04/2009 17:56

I would be aware that your lo will pick up on your anxiety and will take his cues in terms of confidence about the new situation from you. You can help him enormously by being outwardly happy and confident in yourself with the new setting and all the staff there, but if you have genuine gut feelings that the Nursery you've chosen is not the right place then you should look further.

I experienced a lot of racism when i was a child and my children are mixed race but as far as I'm concerned it didn't hurt me, it made me stronger. I don't know where you are but it seems highly unlikely that there is any overt racism in todays society. (Although that comment about seeing him in the dark smacked of ignorance!) And of course the staff are allowed to hug the babies, thats why they do the job! ;)

Bear in mind a few more things:

Two days a week isn't much - it may take quite a bit longer than you think for him to settle in, and separation anxiety tends to arrive at around 9 mths
He will pick up every cold going and be ill and you're going to feel awful because it seems like they're ill for months on end. But they do get better, and they end up with excellent immune systems.
You have to remain positive even if they cry and inside you want to cry. They will learn that Mummy leaves - and Mummy comes back too.

And you're so lucky only having to work 2 days a week!!!!!

Katharine19 · 29/04/2009 14:14

Aw, poor you - like others have said, try to take a deep breath and separate out all the issues.

I'm just back at work this week (DS 12 months), and was incredibly anxious about it all. And like you partly it is to do with race, I grew up as part of the only Jewish family in a completely non multicultural area and suffered some anti-semitic bullying. DS is mixed race, and although I've had some rather irritating comments (eg is he yours?) - I've come to the conclusion that the world is much less racist than when I was growing up in the 70s/ 80s.

Although it's been really really hard going back (and I'm v lucky to be going back part time, and to be able to wait til he's a year) - actually I'm really enjoying it already. Partly the mundane things like having a coffee in peace and wearing nice clothes, but also just using my brain in a different way. Hope it works out for you.

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