Feeling miserable today - please tell me I'm not damaging my DD!

[cufflink]

Hello everybody, I'm feeling miserable and guilty this Monday morning. My DD has been going to her childminder for about four months, three days a week. We had a rocky start before things got a bit better but she still cries fairly regularly when I leave her. I think once I've gone she has some good days and some not so good. We're going through a few not so good days at the moment. I'm almost certain it's not her CM, who's lovely and this morning DD even reached for her whilst crying, if you know what I mean.

But I'm SO stressed as later this year I am having to go full time - I've got an amazing job. But I'm racked with guilt that perhaps this whole childcare thing is not right for DD and if I was a truly unselfish Mummy I would give up work altogether although I find that thought equally terrifying.

It's SO HARD! She's a year old by the way. Do you think this will get better?

oh cufflink what can I say?
I am sure it will get better but that doesnt help you feeling low.

I am a parent and a CM and one of my charges suddenly becomes all clingy to her mum when she is dropped off but it absolutely fine the minute the door closes(honestly). She also asks if she can come to mine on days I don't normally have her!

We also have a child at school who behaves the same, cry when parents leave and clings to them but is absolutely fine by the time their name is called on the register.

Some children do just seem to do this type of behaviour its not always a sign of being really unhappy. My son did it when he went to pre-school. He was older so I could talk to him and he said he would just rather be with mummy because he got to do what he wanted Kids eh!

Thanks MrsWeasley, that is comforting, and sorry to have such a moan. I do comfort myself by thinking that when she's at home on our days together she's the happiest little soul ever. I just wonder whether this leaving her will make her terribly insecure or something. The trouble is, I find being at home (as in when I was on maternity leave) unbelievably boring, and that makes me feel even worse to admit it!

I mind for families who opening say they would go crazy if they stayed at home all week. They arent bad parents and you arent either. If you are a more fullfilled person by going to work then you will be happier and this will benefit your DD much more than a bored mummy.

It is hard I wont pretend it isn't I have cried many a tear whenever one of my DCs didnt want to do to school. I only became a CM because I couldnt face leaving my DD! I too wondered if I did the right thing. (She is 13 now)

Do something special on your days at home(as I'm sure you do!) like a picnic lunch in the garden, planting some seeds, A walk to the park, Simple but DD will love it.

Take care

It will get better. 8/9 months is a tricky time to start child care. It will deff get better so just take it easy and wait and see how things are later in the year.

Hello, it's me again. DD went from being happy and laughing before I dropped her this morning, to screaming the moment I handed her over. I'm trying to be tough but it's breaking my heart. Is there anyone out there who has had a similar situation after this length of time? I really thought that after four months we'd be making progress but it doesn't feel like that. Do some children never settle with a childminder/at nursery? Should I throw money at the problem and get a nanny instead, do you think that might help, maybe if she was at home? Or should I give up work and just accept that this isn't working for my DD? I'm in such a muddle.

Im a nursery nurse and a mum and I understand exactly what your saying the fact is many people have to work for many people its a financial need for others its a sanity move.

Childminders ,nannies and nurseries are all qualified to be with children (trust me we arent in it for the salay ).

In absolute honesty this is what Id advise....
take her to the cm kiss her and go...dont look back a clean goodbye and thats it- 10 mins later phone the cm and just ask her has she settled- I can bet she will have.

This is just a phase you are doing a very positive thing for your dd in giving her v good childcare in your absence and soon this phase will pass and another will begin.

I dont think 'throwing money' at this is the answer (yet) nor do I think you should quit work obviously when you returned to work you looked at what was the best option and chose a c.m.

The thing is although your dd is still a baby imo sooner than you think or can believe she will go to nursery and unless you H.E then she will have to stick through that - so I think you need to 'stiff upper lip it' and work through it.

Good luck though I know its bloody awful.

Thanks so much nickschick, I really value your response, just someone saying that it's OK and to persevere. I feel like a total wet blanket sitting her snivelling at my computer! Thanks!

Is it worth looking at how / where you do the handover? My 2 yr old DD2 has been with her childminder since 5 months and I know is very happy there, but even she is sometimes clingy at drop-off (we are their mums after all, and they do tend to like us ). We've found that if the childminder opens the door and then stands out of the way so DD2 and I can come straight through into the sitting room where the toys are all laid out, that works very well. Then DD2 will start playing with something, and after about a minute the childminder will appear and join in, and then I give her a quick kiss and then go.

Hiya, my ds cried every time he got dropped off from when he was 6 mo to about 2.5yrs but when he was about 18 mo up he was VERY hard to drag out of the place and now he completely loves it and has been asking to go over the easter but .
One nursery worker said it was anger mainly though she thought.
Still felt really guilty and horrid leaving him though. Did help if Dh dropped him off he seemed much happier.

Hi everybody, thanks so much again for your comments. Had another rough drop off today, it's the little wobbling bottom lip and the brave face before dissolving in tears that truly does me in!

I'm so sorry voyager that you had a hard time too, but really glad that things are better for you both now.

Bramshott, interesting about doing the handover a bit differently, I might have a think about that. Trouble is it's all hectic at that time of the morning at my CM's, as she's getting her kids ready for school etc. In fact, maybe that is partly why mornings are worse as it's a bit unsettling for DD.

I get the anger thing, although I think my DD may also feel a bit insecure. My CM says she's OK as long as she doesn't leave the room. Hmmm.

Anyway, thanks again, I really appreciate your comments.