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Original poster

The eternal dilemma - to go back or not??? Advice please

23 replies

BunnyLebowski · 17/04/2009 13:12

Hi all

My head is FRIED thinking about this so I thought I'd ask for your advice/opinions.

I'm on maternity leave. DD is 6 months old. I'm due to go back to work sometime between June and September.

My job is clerical/admin, not something I'm passionate about or well paid for. I am qualified to A-Level and very intelligent but this job is not what I want to do forever.

Eventually I want to go back and finish my nursing degree (1 year done) in the future.

My DP earns a relatively good wage and is on course for further promotion/pay rises all being well. We could live on his wage if we tighten our belts.

We live miles away from any family so have no support in terms of childcare. So if I were to go back to work dd would be in a nursery for all that time.

The logical side of me knows that there would be advantages for both me AND dd if I go back to work i.e adult conversation for me, my own money (although it would only be £300 max after nursery fees) plus other babies for dd to interact with, maybe increasing her social side etc

BUT the emotional side of me is DISTRAUGHT at the very thought of leaving her in a nursery for 8 hours every day

She's MY baby. I want to be the one to cuddle her when she wakes up fom her nap. I want to be the one who feeds her and changes her bum.

As much as our generation are supposed to have it better than our mums with equal opportunities etc I can't help feeling envious of my mum and aunties who stayed home with their kids until they reached school age.

I hate the thought of only having mornings, evenings and weekends with her. I'm almost blubbing just thinking about it

Did anyone have similar concerns? And if so how did you cope and what did you do in the end?

Does anyone have any advice at all?

OP posts:

compo · 17/04/2009 13:15

could you go back part time and see how you get on?

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 17/04/2009 13:25

I think the best I could get is 4 days a week with the associated cut in my wages.

Which would still mean working for just a few hundred pounds.

I was thinking of getting an evening/weekend job as that DP could be with dd while I go to work but he's worried that would mean that me and him don't see each other.

It's all so confusing!

OP posts:

compo · 17/04/2009 13:34

It really sounds like you don't want to go back
Would your dp be ok with that?

Poppity · 17/04/2009 13:49

Don't do it, if you can afford to be a SAHM, there are plenty of places you can get adult conversation without leaving your baby if you don't want to.

I always thought I'd go back, but I couldn't bring myself to, and now do 1 night shift a week when DH can look after DCs.

I am particularly bad at leaving them though- it depends on what type of person you think you are. Some people need their work.

Having said that, you don't really like the job you are in, so why hang on to it?

If you do need to work, but don't want to leave dc, contact your council about getting registered as a child minder. You would be in control then.

Caz10 · 17/04/2009 13:51

i wouldn't if you don't have to - and later on if you really feel you are missing the adult world you could go back to your course, or get a different PT job. And the thought of nursery etc becomes more bearable as they get older i think. I had to go back 5 days and hate it - although in an ideal world I think i'd still like to work 2-3 days.

Salleroo · 17/04/2009 13:53

Sit down with your DP and look at your finances and see if you are both happy with you staying at home.

If you continue with your nursing will you get a grant or how will you pay for that?

I didnt go back. Was sick of my job but have to say thought it would be much easier when the time came to resign. I earned a good salary and had great benefits.

But I didnt want someone else bringing up my child and having to dash to and from work via nursery and spend half my wages for the privelage.

Best thing I've done. Especially since dd turned 1, she is now 17 mths and I just adore being with her everyday (Yes from time to time it gets boring and she gets on my wick) but in general she is fab and I get to see her turning into a little person.

I was never maternal and swore I would have other things to talk about then my baby (and I do) but I could witter on about her fabulousness all day if let

I would advise you get your nursing going again. I started studying and am about to finish first year. Much as I love being at home with dd I do need some mental stimulation apart from nursery rhymes!!!

MrsMattie · 17/04/2009 13:54

Sounds like you'd rather be at home, so go for it if you can afford it. You can get back into your degree when your DD goes to nursery and be back at work by the time she's at school.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 17/04/2009 14:27

If I'm being totally honest I'm 90%/10% in favour of not going back.

My DP is fantastic and has said he will support whatever decision I make. He, like me, has reservations about my daughter being cared for by anyone else but me. But he also sees the possible advantages of me going back to work.

I just wonder if I should go along with the norm and accept the sacrifice and go back or if I should follow my heart and stay at home and accept the negatives of that (no money etc)

OP posts:

Salleroo · 17/04/2009 14:38

Follow your heart and cut your cloth to suit your measure moneywise.

TheProfiteroleThief · 17/04/2009 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BunnyLebowski · 17/04/2009 14:58

You're right Profiterolethief - I guess my true feelings are obvious in my post.

Everyone is assuming I'm going back. My sister (who lives in Spain where women only get 16 wks mat leave) put her dd in nursery at 4 months

The very idea of that breaks my heart but she maintains it's made my niece the outgoing sociable toddler she is. My sister is saying I'm being too emotional about it but how can I detach my emotions from the situation? It's my wee baby we're talking about!

With no family here the idea of problems like sickness arising or nursery being closed means I would inevitably have to let work down sometimes.

I worried I was being PFB about it but your respnses make me think otherwise.

Thanks everyone.

Time to sit down with DP and get the calculator out I guess!

OP posts:

popsypie · 17/04/2009 14:59

Bunnylebowski - you sound like you have answered your own question. I felt exactly the same as you (similar DH job etc) and went with my heart. When I told my boss I wanted to resign she offered me one day a week. It has been great. Money you can earn again and catch up on, time you can never get back. Also, believe it or not the time flies. I had another baby very quickly after my first baby and it meant I could get on with my family without making any apologies to my workplace. Remember also that nothing is set in stone. Just because you don't work when your baby is little does not mean that you can't ever work again.

TheProfiteroleThief · 17/04/2009 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

saadia · 17/04/2009 15:10

I think if you have the choice then you are luckier than many. Questions like this force us to think about who we are and what is important to us and it sounds like you know in your heart what you really want. You don't have to justify your decision to anyone if you want to stay with your baby.

I have been a SAHM to my dss who are now in school full-time. I am thinking of retraining now and do think it would have been easier if I had returned to work but I have really enjoyed being with them and wouldn't have done anything differently.

monkeypinkmonkey · 17/04/2009 15:28

I went back to work when DS was 4 months took me up until he was turning 3YO before I had the courage to follow my heart become a SAHM. Its still early days but i'm loving it. You need to speak to your DP, what popsypie says is true, no decision is forever.

newlark · 17/04/2009 15:48

I went back part time after dd1 and am now about to be a sahm (still on mat leave from ds2 at the moment). I was torn like you - working gave me financial independence, adult conversation, a chance to actually drink a cup of coffee in peace occasionally .

I ummed and aahed for ages before deciding to take a career break and what helped was having a plan for going back later - at the moment I intend to just be at home for 4 years until both children are at achool so it is a limited time horizon rather than stetching out for ever in front of me. I also have lots of things planned each week like library/playground trips etc. dd is still going to nursery 3 mornings which I will continue as I think she is benefitting from it much more now she is 2.5 and it isn't as tiring for her as full days.

Like you I don't have family nearby and on top of that dh has regular business trips so it would always be me doing the nursery runs and needing to let work down if either was ill. When it came to it I felt I didn't feel I would be doing my work or family justice if I was going to be exhausted and stressed. Having made the decision I feel much more relaxed and am looking forward to being at home with them - I feel very lucky to have the chance.

marmoset · 17/04/2009 18:03

I'm coming a bit late to this as I've got form on this! I would definitely agree that you should follow your own instincts on this one. I had my first baby 11 years ago, I didn't go back and loved being a SAHM to 2 boys for 6 years. Opportunities came my way which just wouldn't have had I gone back to work at that point. My third child is 6 months old now and I will be going back part-time at the end of my one year's leave - its a job that I love and one that I wouldn't have got if I had rejoined my old one all those years ago. You only live once and believe me, it actually costs rather a lot of money to go out to work -the credit crunch has nothing on my money saving schemes from my SAHM days!

mrsjammi · 17/04/2009 18:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EffiePerine · 17/04/2009 18:11

if you don't want to go back, can manage and it wouldn't hurt your future career plans the don't

Poppity · 17/04/2009 23:23

Your sister isn't being very fair, things are very geared up for childcare in Spain I've been told by a friend who lived there. It is a much more child friendly society, she told me it is the norm for children to stay up and go out late with parents too, so working to those hours you have more time.

I didn't want to say it before, but personally I can't think of anything worse than leaving my dc all day. It's bad enough when they go to school, although you are a bit more ready for it then, but you hardly see them!

Make the most of it, it flies by.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 17/04/2009 23:42

If you can afford to stay at home, do it. You can never repeat all your Dc's first's. I missed everything with Ds, but have seen it all with Dd. I wouldn't change it for the world. I took a career break though, I didn't resign.

Clary · 17/04/2009 23:49

Well you need to make the decision.

But I will say this in favour of working; it's a lot easier to negotiate school-friendly hours if you are working already when DC start school.

So when you say "stayed at home until their kids reached school age" just think on how easy it will be to find a job 9.30-3 with no work experience in the last 5 years.

Not trying to be grim, just realisitic.

I have always worked tho did have a year's leave after DS2 (baby no 3). But with the other 2 I went back full time at 4mo. It was OK. Not ideal, but then what is?

Then again, as others say, if the ££ adds up and DP is supportive, then be SAHM if you want to. And I think you do

Greatfun · 21/04/2009 20:44

I haven't read all the replies so excuse me if I am repeating anything. Why not have the best of both worlds? You want to finish your nursing degree si why not get a p/t job as a health care assistant? Maybe work 1 or 2 shifts a week around your DH/DPs work (if possible). That way you are with your baby and working in a relevant area and still bringing some money in.

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