SAHM/part time/ children/career choices and dilemmas... all thoughts and ideas appreciated!!

[granarybeck]

Currently having a bit of a 'what's important/what's the best thing to do' dilemma. I have a ds(12) and dd(10), work 4 days a week in London, which is quite a long commute, though can work at home sometimes. Am finding it quite a struggle and don't hugely enjoy my job, but can't afford to give up completely.

I just wondered whether those of you who had become SAHMs or taken a local, 'fit around the children' job saw it as a long term choice. I had my children quite young so it seems so early to make that kind of choice, compared to friends who had their children in their 30s so had already had had quite a career. But equally, my children are growing up so quick, but still seem to need me there just as much.

Any perspectives/opinions on what has worked for others would be really appreciated. I waste so much time worrying what to do rather than living in the here and now!

i used to work five days a week, monday to friday 9-5 job. don't drive so had to rely on public transport. i would leave house at 7.30am to get ds (5) to childcare and get to work for 9. i would then not get home with ds until about 6.30pm. Saturdays were spent doing the housework/shopping and so i only spent quality time with ds on a Sunday. I always thought i worked five days a week because we couldn't afford for me not to. (my dh also worked - about fifty hours a week). my days have been cut at work due to recession and i now work four days a week, ds lost his job a few months ago and is working through an agency but not much, maybe two to three days a week. we have discovered we can comfortably live on the money we have coming in if we dont spend on silly things. we both get to spend more time with our ds and it has made me realise i don't want to work full time anymore. as long as the bills are paid and there is a bit of money left over i am happy. i have realised that working full time means i am missing out on soo much. its the little things that i have noticed most. I would look for work closer to home so you dont have to travel as much, that way you would also save money on travel costs.

The fact that you don't hugely enjoy your job seems the key factor here. I don't think I'd be able to continue working 4 days a week in something my heart wasn't in, particularly with a long commute.

I work F/T, but I enjoy my job immensely.

If I were you, I'd look around at more local options, but I wouldn't plunge straight into SAHM, particularly with children of 12 and 10 - I think you'll find it's a long day to fill. I agree that children keep on needing you as they get older, but they also benefit from seeing that you have a life of your own too.For the same reason, I wouldnt recommend taking a job you don't like just to 'fit around the children'. IMO, children are happy when their parents are happy - they won't thank you in the long run if you're doing a menial job just because it's term time working.

Sounds like a change of direction is what you need rather than a complete lifestyle change?

Thanks both, you're both completely right! DLI, it's good to hear your story of managing okay when your income/hours dropped.

All the jobs I have seen more locally, or jobs I think I'd enjoy more pay less than I currently earn. But as you say Violethill, I think balancing would be much easier if I was loving my job. I just feel like I'm going to be starting my career path all over again - but then I don't know whether that actually matters if I'm enjoying life more. Dh is probably always going to earn more than me so it makes sense for me to do something I enjoy but can still get to enjoy spending time with the children.

You're right though I don't think I could stay at home completely now the children are a bit older. I think it has unbalanced my moving to the south from the north to a town where a lot of women stay at home as their dhs have long hours jobs in the city. Just feel a bit like the goal posts have moved again! What do you do Violet?

I'm a teacher, working at senior management level. My children are a little older than yours, though tbh I don't think you ever reach a point where you feel your children don't need you. They just need you in different ways.

It's interesting that your feelings have come about since a move down south, and being surrounded by more SAHMs. I guess there is a natural tendency to gravitate towards what those around us do, so it may be that you're feeling under pressure to fit in. I would definitely consider something that may be less well paid but that you feel drawn towards. It's a luxury to not be the main breadwinner, and if that allows you to have more choice then go for it!

I think if you can move from a job you don't enjoy to one you can, you probably should. I don't think you'll quite believe the difference it makes to your life, even just every day boring stuff. I moved from one I loved to one I don't enjoy and I'm amazed by what a difference it makes to me.

I also agree with violethill (as ever), your children just need you differently as they get older rather than more or less iyswim.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

Thanks. Me not being fully happy in my job/work arrangements is making a really big difference to all bits of my life. It lurks at the back of my mind.

Although I'm not the main breadwinner, i do still have to work and earn a certain amount to be able to pay mortgage, bills etc. I meant more that my dhs job has most chance of making us secure more long term but he has to be able to put the hours in etc at the moment. We've always tried to work as a team, fortunately he loves his job. You're right though, it is still a luxury to be able to think about moving jobs, not that I might get another one!

I work full time. Ds is 7. TBH I am hoping to work full time for maybe 5 years or so - until DS is in secondary school and we have moved one notch up the housing ladder. From then I'd hope that I could look to go part time while he's a teenager as I think as people say, they need you as much just in a different way when they're older. I would like to think that I am there for him when his life starts to 'expand' out of the home and out to friends, new experiences, the wider world and important things like options, exams, choices for college and work.

Not that I wouldn't be part time now if I could but financially we don't have the option. But I do feel that now, luckily for him, he is totally happy in our routine of his dad taking him to school and my mum (yes she's a gem and an amazing granny and DS' best friend) picking him up and playing with him for an hour or two till I'm home.

I don't madly enjoy my job either. So I know how you feel granary.

For me it's kind of a five year plan, to change working pattern and hopefully even move to something a bit less stressful and demanding!

Thanks srp, that sounds a good plan. I think I just feel like I should now be focusing on career etc, partly a lot of the women I work with are my age or a bit younger and haven't had children yet. Whereas I just don't seem to be able to do both, commute, and be happy! It's really good to get others perspectives. It's nice to hear how others make plans that suit their families as a whole rather than for what other people might think.