It's hard holding down a job and being a mum isn't it?!#*!

[Lotsoftoys]

Here is my story at the moment! Anyone else out there want to share some bad and good times as they struggle with maintaining some degree of credibility at work?? I seem to be making a pigs ear of it...

Today I'm at home for the 4th time since February with a poorly dd - feeling anxious about the work I'm not getting done...

So I went back to work at the beginning of Feb when dd was 8 months old. I went back at a more senior level, 3 days a week, in a busy and well know arts organisation.

The job has been very pressured - more so than usual as the organisation has been through some major and very public restructuring.

I was very keen to get this promotion which is maternity cover until next feb.

But I am finding it really tough! I feel out of control, never quite keeping up with my full-time colleagues, I feel over-shadowed by the person who I am acting up for, I feel that all of the very hard work I put into my job before having dd is forgotten and that i am seen as a half-present and insignificant member of staff. And I'm sleep deprived...!

I heard women talking about this before I had a baby - feeling out of the picture in a career sense and now I get it. I have always cared a lot about my career and so feeling like I'm not excelling is affecting my self esteem in other parts of my life.

I feel annoyed by it all - annoyed because I'm not a man, not a younger model, because I'm a mum....

I went back 3 days after having DD2 and have experienced those same feelings you and many others mentioned - that floundering sensation of not really knowing what the hell is going on and struggling to remember from when you were last in the office 4 days ago. I've never experienced any negativity or feeling left out from my colleagues though, however the most said comment is 'wish I could work only 3 days' to which i generally point out I'm only being paid for 3 days too. I don't mind that I only have a 'job' (I don't want any more responsibility!) but have had to admit to myself that 3 days really isn't enough commitment and that most weeks I'm just starting to get into it by day 3 but then have the next day at home and 2 scheduled classes to take DD to which was beginning to become a drag.

Anway after 2 yrs I'm about to increase my hours to 4 days a week... one day working at home, 3 in the office. Its either this or quit completely I reckon, but the latter scares me more! DD will be turning 3 and she would cope with structured time at Nursery or preschool although it looks like DH or MIL will take over looking after her on the 4th day. My biggest worry is being expected to do 5 days worth of work on 4 days - much easier for them to push you into imo, than 3 days... I haven't put my application in yet, part of me still resists!

I feel for you.

I went back to work 3 full days a wk plus saturdays half a day when my DD was 11 months old.

As soon as she started nursery she picked up loads of things and I had to take lots of time off. I kept using my holidays so i would get paid and by the end of Feb I had used nearly all my hol for the year (Jan - Jan)

We don't get paid for working sats and get time of in lieu. One day I had to be off with DD and the next day I was due in was booked as a lieu day so I asked boss if I could just come and work it to make up for being off and she said no. I ended up speaking to HR and was told she was being unreasonable and I could bank my lieu time for up to 3 months to use if DD was ill.

Other option would be to phone in sick as if I was sick but I cannot lie so that never happened.

I am 27 wks PG now and have had so many things wrong with me that I finished work last week by taking all my hol in one go and my leave kicks in in May.

I too work in a business where we have had a very public merger and restructure and it isn't exactly a nice place to be and I get endless complaints every day which doesn't make the whole experience enjoyable especially being pregnant, ill and as happened to me last week DD was also ill. Also I was coming home in the most foul mood and thats not fair on my DD

I still managed to do really well in my job, I have just been awarded a prize as I was top of the league tables even though I'm PT and not been in much. I felt resented though and it is horrible feeling like you are letting people down.

My boss was a total bitch too. Not to mention you still have to pay the nursery when DD is ill etc.

I have now decided that I am not going back to work after this baby as it is just not worth the stress. I think with young kids it is better to be as happy and stress free as you can. I'd rather go and work a couple of shifts in a pub if we need the money than go back. DP doesn't earn a great deal and we are going to manage but have no luxuries but kids are only little once and you can't get the time back. I look for a job that fits in with school hours when this baby goes to school - a dinner lady sounds tempting and pretty stress free. I can get a job doing what I do at any stage in my life so not bothered about my career for a few years.

I really feel for you all working full time and bringing up children. Its tough. I am now going to do nightwork, 12 hours per night, so that i don't have to be out during the day.
I am sure that will bring problems of its own!

Oh, i forgot to say! I also used to work part time for a clothing company and the worst thing was feeling 'out of the loop'. That was the reason i left in the end.

I've read your thread before but not posted because I probably don't have anything useful to say beyond "yes, it is hard"!

I work in the Arts too, and after much wrangling didn't go back to my full-time job after having DD1, because of a feeling that part-time working wasn't really understood, and that the hours just weren't compatible with family life (lots of evenings, touring etc).

I am now doing freelance work, which has its own challenges (people ringing up and expecting me to be coherent when the kids are whining for dinner for example!) but has generally worked out very well. I've been pleasantly surprised at the amount of freelance work I've found, and have managed to work roughly 20 hours a week, mainly from home. It's so much easier to tell someone when you'll be doing something when you're self-employed, rather than to "ask" them as you have to when you're an employee.

Sorry, that's probably not much help, but I thought I'd post about what has worked well for me in a similar sector.

I think you went to work too early and you not ready at all.

I've just been made redundant and I can't help feeling it is because I'm part time and a mum. I am spitting mad about because I was pressurised into going back before I was ready (when little one was 6 months).

I found it really tough. Nasty overly ambitious full-timers did everything they could to undermine me, meetings were arranged for 7pm when I had made it very clear I had to leave the office at 6.15pm. No one gave a monkeys about finding a space for me to express. I once ended up expressing in a freezing cold dark storeroom crying silent tears. On the days I was at home I spent hours dealing with phone calls (at least 4 a day), replying to emails, doing prep.

The irony is I put off having a baby so I could get to a senior enough level in the television industry to make working part time in an office feasible.

I am loving being a fulltime mum again but do feel very uncertain about the future. Not sure how to make the work/ baby thing work successfully.
x

Definitely the worst of both worlds. Am also three days a week now and I don't feel relaxed either side of the week. At work I try to squeeze 5 days work into 3, worry about DD and try to organise myself for meals, washing, getting DD, DH and myself enough clean clothes to see us through. At home I worry about work. Have just had an email from my job-share asking if I've done something despite the fact that it was her working on it, not me so I now feel responsible because I wasn't a mind reader. I feel like I miss out on a lot at work because of the meeting I'm not at etc.

And I have a great boss and a very hands on DH. I hate to think how hard it must be for people who don't have that.

tis tough and i sympathise (tho all i can say about working pt is while i can see there are big disadvantages, working ft and long hours as i do now is no picnic either and right now i would trade the professional satisfaction that comes from it for more time with ds).
but i would just say - you came back to a promotion, ie probably a more difficult job. so part of what you are experiencing is just that the job IS harder than your old one, which means that panicky feeling will lift a bit when you get the hang of it. that may be part of the reason for feeling out of control and not keeping pace with colleagues - you might feel like that if you'd been promoted for a bit even without a baby.
doing even your old job plus a baby feels for quite a while after return from maternity leave like a promotion, in that even just doing something you knew how to do backwards is suddenly MUCH tougher when doing it sleep deprived/cramming it in shorter hours/while trying to catch up on stuff you missed while you were off. so dont be too hard on yourself. you did really well to get promoted on return and it WILL get easier.
oh and ps - i find it helps enormously every now and then to sod the housework, get dh to babysit and bugger off out for morale-boosting evening with friends, gaily leaving large trail of things undone behind you. when you are squeezed between work and motherhood what often hs to give is any semblance of a social life but it is this that can often keep you sane.

Glad I found this thread. I work 3 days a week and am finding it incredibly, incredibly hard. It's got to the point where I dread going into work because of the issues others have mentioned; being excluded, not knowing what's gone on in the 4 days I haven't been at work (but expected to know and to contribute) trying to fit in 5 days work in 3, and probably more depressingly, being surrounded by single career minded women who can put in long hours and seem to expect me too as well. iI joke to dh that I don't need to watch The Apptentice because my office is just like it, full of overly confident ambitious who fall over everyone trying to impress the boss.There are loads of meetings which start just as I have to leave and lots of evening events which I just can't attend. It's got to the point where the stress is making me ill and on my days I'm not at work I think constantly about work and the worry ruins my time with my dd and dh. I wish I could afford to chuck it all in but no chance...

Does anyone have any answers?!

Can you persuade them to let you have remote access, and a laptop, so that you can log in on the days you are not in the office, and keep an eye on whats going on?

I very rarely take time off work for a sick child, for the simple reason that I cant afford it. But I do have an au pair who is at home with them.

Generally, my job comes first, because we all depend on it. Its our most valuable asset. But we dont have a choice, because I am a single parent. Can appreciate that this choice is much harder if your job is not so vital to the family.

"I am part-time and think it is the worst of both worlds."
I was just thinking exctly the same thing this morning.
I agree with whoever said they now look as their work as a job rather than a career. I like what I do but definately get overlooked when more exciting projects come in. Plus my office is a miserable dump; there are few part-timers and even fewer Mums and I feel really out of it.
The money is good, though, and I realise I am lucky to have a job in the current climate. My home life with DS is much more important and after I have my second DC in October, I doubt I will return. If I have to work I'll get something more low-key just to get a bit of money to contribute to the hopusehold and have a social outlet. Fortunately, I am not defined by my career.

ebd, I'm sure you've considered this over and over, but is there ANY chance of you doing something less stressful, even if lower paid?
Work shouldn't affect your time at home, otherwise you may as well be full-time.

Hi Gateau. I am desperately looking for a new job. The irony is that I spent a long time trying to get this type of job- moved from one profession to another, and now I hate it! I think I've been unlucky and ended up in an environment which is like an episode of the Apprentice only every day. It doesn't help that any of the women have kids and the 2 men that do have wives who are SAHM so they don't understand what it's like for working women. I have my appraisal this week and I think I'm going to be brutally honest about a few things- how I resent being made to feel uncommitted because I can't put in full time hours (though they're quite happy to pay me part-time rather than full-time and actually advertised for a part-timer!)

Good luck with your new baby in October. I am ttc at the moment but worry the stress of work is hindering things...

Hi - I'm new to this site and this was the first forum I came to as trying to find a balance between work and motherhood is something that is on my mind constantly!

I have found it tough lately as I had my son at 27 (bit of a surprise!) when literally none of my frinds were even vaguely at that stage. Two years on and they STILL haven't caught up! I have kind of got used to not having any true understanding from them on the 'adjusting to parenthood' thing but find I get even less sympathy now that I am back at work full time as none of them really understand what a juggling act it all is.

Here are my stats..my son is nearly 2, I work ridiculous hours (often in the evenings and weekend when the wee man is asleep), have a 2.5 hour daily commute and ..this is the best bit..my husband is in the army and has been at home 3 times since February! Marvellous eh?!

I live in a garrison town (hence the massive commute) and don;t really know that many of the other mothers/wives as not many of them work and so they socialise during the day and also have no family/mates near by - and I miss them terribly.

I'm not asking for the violins to come out honest- its my life and I love it BUT its been fricking tough..

I suppose I just want to say that its so good to hear from other people who experience this too..as I have nobody else (apart from my mum!) who has any idea.

Well done us eh?! Bring it on..to feisty mums who keep it all together!!

legalgenius welcome to mumsnet. I find it a life line. Wow you work hard. I have a DS aged 2, work full time in a job where sometimes I have to travel internationally. DH is a teacher. I am now pg with DC2 and wondering how everything is going to slot together when the baby is born in October. I don't work too long hours at the moment (but can do if away on business or preparing for a trip) but my career is important to me.

DS is currently in nursery full time and I'm wondering what to do in Oct. I had a bad time when DS1 was born, PND etc and am worrying what to do. Do I leave DS1 in nursery for a bit when the baby is born? Do I keep him at home and ferry him to pre-school etc. Just worried that I will be able to cope.

It will also be a shock slotting in to the mummydom of the local community after I've been a working full time mum for 2 years and am out of the loop. My family are also miles away.

My job is great but my boss said to me only this week he didn't know how I would cope with 2 DC's and didn't think I would be able to come back to work (his wife didn't go back to work after DC2). He did say he would be supportive though.