Granny looking after DD - pros and cons?

[Wigeon]

My mum has offered to look after DD for one day a week when I go back to work. DD will be a year old (she's currently 8 months). DH and I will both be working part time so we'll share the care of DD the rest of the week. As my mum lives an hour away, she reckons she'd need to come down the night before (I agree). Oh, and by the way, my parents are long divorced, so grandpa doesn't really feature in this particular issue.

In principle, DH and I think this would be a great arrangement - DD loves seeing her granny and I think my mum has fairly similar basic ideas about how to look after children as me. I don't want my mum to feel taken advantage of though, as this would save us a lot of money in childcare (nurseries are about £60 a day round here, so that's around £3000 a year!). Presumably we'd pay her petrol and any expenses but does anyone give money over and above this?

Could someone point me in the direction of some old threads covering things like:

• pros and cons of this arrangement

*how to make it work from a granny's point of view and from the parents' point of view

*how you figure out the money issue (seems like a potentially very sticky issue to me)

This is on the assumption that this has all been gone over before on MN - if not, then any advice on the above issues (or something crucial I've missed) would be very gratefully received.

Thanks very much!

I think there are NO downsides when it's only a day a week.

The downsides potentially come when GPs are doing full time (or close to) care. It's difficult to make requests assertively when someone is 'doing you a favour' rather than being paid by you/your employee. Over a day a week - not a big issue. 5 days a wek - well, they are seeing more of your child than you are and you want to be 'the boss' of what happens, how and when, iyswim.

A day a week, though. That's a lovely arrangement and one that I think would hugely benefit any child (how lovely to have that special, bonding time with granny), granny (gets that bonding time with her GC) and parents (saves you a bit of dough!).

My mum has DS two-three afternoons a week, and while we don't pay her (she wouldn't accept money), we try to make sure all 'expenses' are paid for (ie. if she takes DS out anywhere or buys him little treats) and we try to treat my mum now and then, with a nice meal or theatre tickets etc, just to let her know we are very grateful for all that she does for our family.

You're very lucky! Relax and enjoy!

If it's only one day a week, I'd bite off her arm!!!

Sometimes you do see Grandmothers wearily taking care of older children and you can tell it's not ideal for any of them. But one day of Grandma's love will do her nothing but good! The other days, your dd can do activities and mix with children her own age etc.

Perfect balance. Because a child can also be too busy, go to too many activities, but your dd can have a day of rest!!

I agree - 1 day is a great arrangement. My mum would not accept money, but like another poster, we often treated her with restaurant vouchers etc. I think the most important thing is that she feels appreciated. My aunt minds my cousing child without pay. She has never been offered pay, or any gifts etc. Rarely gets a thank you and she often complains, but puts up with it.

As long as you both have similar views on child rearing (or she will defer to your wishes on impotant issues) then I don't see any downsides.

Make sure she knows that she can go on holiday when she wants. I know that my mum has friends who hardly go away because they have to look after DGC

I would not pay her but would have a kitty with cash for outings etc and cover her expenses. The odd bottle of wine/flowers would be nice though.

How much will her petrol be?
Will you need to feed her the night before?
Does your DH mind having her stay one night a week?

ah see it's your mum.

my mil stays over one day a week and tbh it's grates on me quite alot. but if it were my own mother i'd be okay i think.

Thanks everyone! I think it seemed like such a good idea that I was sure there must be some downsides but I think you're right that I ought to just shut up and be very grateful!

Thanks for your pointers:

think mum and I and DH do have similar ideas on child-rearing (probably because my ideas are based on how my parents brought me up!!);

DH and my mum have a fantastic relationship (is she maybe the only MIL in the world who gets on well with her son-in-law?!) so I think it will be fine her staying one night a week, and I like cooking so no prob to give her dinner;

petrol - probably about £16 if I pay her at my work's mileage rate (ie covering wear and tear on the car etc as well as petrol), definitely affordable;

Good point to remember about holidays too, thanks. Really nice to hear postive stories about other people's experiences too.

Off to count my blessings and plan nice treats for her!

From my experience it is all good. My mum stayed over two nights to look after DS. I covered her train fare and made sure there was lots of lovely food in the fridge for her lunches. It was great as my mum played with DS while I got ready which provided a really smooth tear free handover. We have pretty similar views on childcare so no downsides.

My mum looks after my two DCs one day a week and I pay her £30. The children are very happy with this and my mum is not well off so it helps her.
Downside for me is that I work from home and my mum doesn't really understand that I need to be left alone. This doesn't sound like a problem for you though.
Downside for my mum is that it's hard work so I make sure everything is prepared in advance so she doesn't have to make food, dress DCs, tidy up etc.
We have been doing this for about 3 years so it works for us.