How do people manage the stress

[slipperandpjsmum]

A few months ago I got a new full time job previously part time). I am finding the whole thing very stressful - the childcare, the stress at work, managing the home, cooking for 6 after working a full day and most of all I miss my baby. Was after some advice on how to cope better. Feels like my stomach is in knots all the time. I have worked for years towards getting this job and now I have finally got it I wonder was it really worth it?

Can your dp or dh not help. For us the only way we could manage 2 people working was for one of us to work from home and cut back hours.

Infact not help but do hs fair share.

I don't think I'm going to offer any words of wisdom, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone here.
I worked hard building my career. Now I have 2 gorgeous children (very proud mum) but I feel miserable and shattered all the time. I went back to work when DD was just 16 weeks old. Then with DS, he was 8 months when I went back to work but he still wasn't sleeping through the night.

It's catch 22. I feel guilty working all the time. I feel guilty if I don't work and not earn (don't get paid if I'm not at work). I seem to still be responsible for nursery runs, tesco shopping, cooking, anything the kids need.... etc etc.

I feel like the 'other' bunny in the duracel advert who's batteries are dying fast while the other bunnies just seem to be carrying on regardless.

Sometimes I do wonder if a simpler life with less responsibility and more time with my gorgeous children would be far more fulfilling than this roller coaster I seem to have joined and can't manage to dismount. But then, if I do give up the career (and everything that comes with it) would I just be substituting one set of problems for another?

So, long winded way of saying - totally understand what you're going through S&PJ's mum. If you ever find the balance - please let me know too. )

If you have a full-time job and four children, you need a full-time nanny/housekeeper to keep your domestic show on the road and a DH who pulls his weight at home. Do you have this?

slipperandpjs, I just think this is the way it is. Both dh and I work full time and it is incredibly tiring (but I suppose we both have fairly long hours and commutes).

Some will suggest cooking in advance but I've never got the hang of it. What I have started doing is cooking meals that are very easy but still nutritious.

Also, how old are your children? Mine have already eaten by the time I get home (at around 7ish) so I only have to worry about feeding dh and I.

Think it's very very easy to let the stress get the better of you and you absolutely have to prioritise some chilling time for yourself even if that means lying in bed for an hour on saturday morning cuddling all your children together in front of crap children's tv!

and I still miss my children and I've been working full time for a while now. I don't think that goes away tbh but as time goes on, you find you start to look forward to the time you get to spend with them even more and that 'missing' feeling doesn't dominate your brain so much (though harder if your little one is still a baby).

Also, tbh, I found the first 6 months of full time working the hardest. Then it settled down a bit after that so maybe you are still getting used to it .

I am realising that I don't manage the stress at all. I hate my job, or at least 80% of it and am on the verge of quitting, despite having a well paid post with a fair amount of responsibility that has taken me years to build up. I'd rather be poor and happy than well off and miserable. This probably doesn't help you, but at least you know you're not alone!

Thanks for all your replies. It has made me feel better to think I am not alone. Our childcare is very 'all over the place'. We all leave the house at 7.15 children aged 13, 7, 6 and 6 months - older ones in before school club, baby full time nursery, then after school childminder who is always late dropping them off. DH does bits around the house but usually asks what I need him to do when what I need him to do is know what he needs to do if you understand, it feels like all the responsibility is on me. In Sept my DH is cutting down on his hours but that seems an age away and with how I feel at the mo not sure I will make it till then! Oh I am just moaning now but all your messages have been such a great help - thanks.

I only have 2 kids and I find both working full time very hectic and lots of stuff doesn't get done. I admire you managing it with 4 kids all at different stages!

I think you need to talk seriously with your DH, it's not fair to put all the responsibility on you, no-one can take that much. We learn to 'just see what needs to be done', by doing it and feeling it is our responsibility. But if you do think you can rely on that, then sit down and divide up some areas of responsibility - who is responsible for:

• getting kids ready in the morning
• packing bags in the evenings
• planning the weeks meals and doing online shop
• going through weeks bills and doing online payments
• booking regular maintenance (car, boiler, etc)

just some suggestions, whatever works for your family, but write it down and then DO NOT do the things that he is responsible for. I find a lot of my stress comes from feeling overwhelmed. When I get like that, I need to step back, ask for help and ensure I'm not trying to keep the world turning single-handed

oops..if you don't think you can rely ...

I actually don't really agree that you should be asking your DH to take on more responsibility to take weight off your shoulders: I think you need a third adult in the house who will take weight off both your shoulders. And having a third adult around in the house would instantly remove a lot of worthless logistics from all of your lives.

Not everyoner can afford the extra pair of hands though Anna....I used to have a cleaner last year and it made the world of difference. I would highly recommend it. At the moment we can't stretch to it though.

Portofino - I know but it is important to point out that two parents are not infinitely stretchable . Two full-time jobs, four children (one of whom is a baby) - that is too much for two adults IMVHO.

And, if the OP is currently paying for childcare before and after school and for nursery, and her DH is thinking of reducing his hours (so there will be less money around), maybe she can also calculate the alternative scenario of help at home, which would greatly reduce the stress on everyone of having to leave home so early and the stress on the OP of having so many domestic chores to do in the evening.

I think the childcare stress is probably the most enormous stress you are facing!

If you add up the cost of the before school club, a full day at nursery and the after school club you may well be close to the cost of a nanny!

Have you got space for someone to live-in? Have you looked at live-in or live-out nannies or live-in au pairs?

Anna is right though tbh. With a baby and other children and both parents working full time, your childcare arrangements need to be such that they give you peace of mind and cause you the least stress and it may be worth you working out how much it would cost to get another form of childcare that would cater for all your children as that would ease the stress immediately! (and then they'd be fed and homeworked before you got home!).