Pregnant and being pressurised and disapproved of

[mogwai]

I work in the NHS 2 days a week and I'm 23 weeks pregnant.

My manager is under a lot of stress and pressure because we are understaffed and our waiting times have to be reduced on April 1at, with no extra staff to help out.

My own arm of the service is not under pressure and our waiitng lists are okay and within standard.

My manager wanted to run a course for professionals. The course lasts for ten weeks and must be delivered by two "teachers". She pencilled me in to run it without really discussing it with me and when she gave me the dates, I immediately told her I could only commit to running the first three weeks maximum as I'd be 35 weeks pregnant and wanted to finish then at the latest.

She has since brought the dates of the course forwards and wants to start running it in mid March. Legally, I can take maternity leave any time after 29 weeks but running this course commits me to the 35-36 week mark. I have a 35 mile commute each way and am suffering with SPD.

I have felt pressurised into working as long as possible (in fact she has said to me "we need you here as long as possible - that's very important to us"). As a result I have completed my HR forms agreeing to work until 35 weeks though I'm not sure this is what I want to do.

In addition, she is clearly irritated when I have time off for ante-natal care. As I live 35 miles away, I cannot realistically return after mid-afternoon appointments. Unfortunately my consultant clinic and community midwife clinics run on the two days I work. So far I've had one and a half days off (one for an amniocentesis and one for a consultant clinic) and I'm due to have a half day next week.

She is really making me feel very bad and has suggested I try to find ways around taking time off for antenatal appointments. I told her yesterday that I have tried to get late afternoon appointemtns but haven't been able to arrange this. Her reply was "Well keep trying" and "I suppose there's nothing we can do about it" in a very brusque tone of voice.

TBH her attitude to me taking time off is half of the reason I'd like to finish as early as possible, so that I don;t have the hassle of telling her I've got to have time off for an appointment. I feel my stomach churning every time I have to approach her office.

I can't face asking her for time off to attend an antenatal group (though I'm allowed to take this time), and if I work to 35 weeks I'll miss my antenatal group and won't be able to meet local mums who are having babies at the same time (I don't want to join NCT).

It seems I cannot resolve the problem of time off for appointments by trying to re-arrange them. The only way to avoid the problem is to finish at 29 weeks but she is pressuring me to stay.

Yesterday she actually said "you know, legally, you are allowed to work up until the day before a baby is born".

I don't know what to do about this or how to approach it. I am considering retracting my statement about finishing at 35 weeks but this will drop her in it regarding the course and I will be very unpopular. Do I contact HR? Can I retract the statement now and change my mind? How do I raise the issue with her personally?

Any advice gratefully received!

bumping for you - not my area at all (freelance, no mat leave) but wondering if you plan to go back to this partic job? That would def influence my decision to put my foot down.

I'd contact HR and talk it through. Tell them that she's putting you under pressure to stay as long as poss, and that there's a general feeling of disapproval about you taking your allowed absence for antenatal appointments even though you have made an effort to be accommodating (nodt your fault clinic etc occurs on your working days..)

Main point is to explain is that this pressure and disapproval is having precisely the opp effect that she desires, causing so much stress that you are considering retracting your commitment to work to 35 weeks.

Sorry just dashed this off - prob a clever person along shortly though

bump

I know this is only vaguely connected, but you do not have to be a member of the NCT to go to their antenatal classes. The NCT in your area should also have a postnatal co-ordinator who could introduce you to other mums after you have the baby. Again, this is something open to all, not just members. I met loads of mums like this.

Good luck - your boss sounds like a nightmare!

Thanks for your reply

At the momnet I am planning to return to this job, though I must admit the 35 mile commute isn't great so if something else same up in the meantime then I'd want to apply for it.

The post in question is not permanent, which is another factor influencing me looking for something permanent.

Also, I job-share with a colleague. My colleague is leaving for another job at the end of this month (a permanent one). Our chances of recruiting are quite limited, owing to the temporary and part time nature of the post. This puts me under further pressure between now and 35 weeks (middle of May) and puts me under pressure to return to work ASAP rather than take the 9 months paid leave I am entitled to.

I don't want her to write me a "neutral" reference as I think I've done a good job in the post.

(I just don;t want to join the NCT as didn;t like it last time...)

DOES your job share work different days to you,could you offer to work her days so that your antenatal apointements arent on work days? would that be poss for you?

She does work different days but no - I don't have childcare on those days and can't arrange any.

(though my manager has suggested I change my working days for this reason)

You need to put your foot down, this isn't acceptable.

You are entitled to paid time off for antenatal appointments including classes, however it is reasonable if you are working 2 days a week for your employer to expect you to make a reasonable effort to schedule those when you are not working.

Of course if they are fixed clinics you have no say in it, so that's fine.

I would recommend if possible you have a frank discussion with your manager, raising all the points you have made here, saying that you want to be as helpful as possible, but at the moment you are feeling stressed and pressurised. You shouldn't worry about dropping her in it with regards to workload or anything. She is a manager, she is paid to have the responsibility of dealing with situations like staff going on maternity leave. You shouldn't worry about it at all.

You can change the date you start your maternity leave as long as you give 28 days notice.

As I say, I do think you should if possible have this discussion with your line manager, and document what was said, but also consider talking to someone in HR - they will be more aware that you manager apparently is about your employer's responsibilities in terms of pregnant employees so might take your comments more seriously if you feel your manager doesn't.

The risk is your relationship with your manager, of course. I think this is more protected if you address it yourself if possible, but if she is treating you like this it doesn't sound like someone you want to be working with long term anyway, so I wouldn't worry too much personally.

With regard to references, I don't know what NHS policy is, but they might be done more centrally and be more factual anyway, don't know.

I actually think your manager is being totally unreasonable and bordering on unfair practices. I would start keeping a diary log of the comments and pressures made on you in case this situation gets more difficult and if possible note any witnesses to her pressure and comments. This type of behaviour is simply not allowed. You are the one with all the rights here not your manager and I think it is deplorable that she is making you feel you can not attend your classes and appointments.

Is there a more senior line manager you can have a word with, or discuss it with her even. If this is all about her being stressed about a particular project maybe if you both put your heads together you can come up with some solutions that are actually achievable. I'd bet it is her stress making her act this way.

Thanks everyone

I don't know this manager particularly well as I don't see much of her.

She does seem okay, as mangers go, though I wonder whether she really knows how she comes across and others complain that she goes up and down and gets her knickers in a twist until it all blows over.

On a personal level she seems okay though and after I had the amnio she came in and asked me how it had gone and said she had been "thinking about me all day".

I honestly don't want to get her into trouble because I'm sure she probably has no idea how she is perceived, and given the pressure she's under (which makes her department look inefficient) then going over her head is the last thing she needs.

The trouble is I know I need to stick up for myself.

My GP has already mentioned signing me off sick with SPD. I am paying for private osteopath (in the evening) to try and avoid this. Occ Health physio has been useless. I feel I don;t get credit for the efforts I am making to stay off crutches and stay in work.

I do feel horribly stressed at the moment, yes.

Would I talk to Occ Heath about this rather than HR? Seems less inflammatory but what could they do?

good advice, ta

Don't think i can add anything to what people have already said, but your health and your baby's health are what is important here.

Your doctor sounds supportive and I'd be tempted to go off sick. You've done all you can to carry on working and have made an immense effort which is not being appreciated. Your manager should not be offloading her stress on to you and is being insensitive and putting pressure on you.

Bollocks to her. Get your sick note and put yourself and your family first.

Poor you mogwai. I had SPD. I worked to the bitter bitter end, giving birth on the first day of my maternity leave.

Big huge massive mistake. I was in no way fit to care for a newborn; we started off on completely the wrong foot. I will always regret my decision to plough on.. and on... and on. I wouldn't necessarily say go off now sick, but I would say choose a date which suits you and stick to it. Like glue.

Claim your legal rights, what it says on paper, not what your boss makes you think.

mogwai, this is awful and completely unacceptable.

Does your trust buy in any counselling services for its staff? My org does and I had kinda assumed this was standard for the NHS but not sure.

I think your tactic really should be to acknowledge to her that you completely understand the pressure she is under and that you want to do all you can to help but you also have your own needs and they must be balanced.

The job share thing ultimately isn't your problem I think. I have a friend who's a consultant who was refused job share on the grounds her specialty was 'special' but you're not in that situation, the ability to job share has been recognised.

I agree with flowery, you need to involve HR but not in a way that makes your manager feel bad, just all parties working together to resolve. Quite clearly she's let the pressure get to her - understandable - and her boss needs to be doing more to support her in the difficult choices.

At the end of the day, if being signed off with SPD gives you the best outcome I honestly think you should do it. I'm not clinical but I'm sure a word of mouth reference is going to be worth much more than a neutral paper one. And as a fellow Junie you clearly rock! In fact I will say in all the hiring I've done of late I've never even seen a reference form, I assume HR don't pass them on unless not satisfactory.

thanks for all your support ladies, you are great.

She's off work next week and I'm off the week afterwards, by which time the plans to run the course will have been put into place.

I might have to e-mail her next week before I go off on leave (I'm going abroad next weekend for a week).

I think it might be easier to get these points across in an email anyway, it might give her time to digest.

just do the course...who knows how the future will plan out, you could get signed off by the dr and not be llowed to work...etc... just be pleasant and accomodating to her face and do your own thing.