Mr. Mum tried day care

[Mrmum1]

I was wondering if I could solicit a little advice about day care. I am a Mr. Mum and decided that my nine month old baby son needed some socialisation and that I needed some free time, so my wife and I decided to try a day care recommened by our health centre physician.

I happily prepaid three months in advance and took him there three days in a row in early March on the second day, they called me and said that a carer accidently opened a door on his thumb and ripped half of his thumbnail off. I accepted this as a one-off associated with a curious young boy. Then after the third day, he came down with a flu with very high temperatures that weekend. From there we progressed to vomitting, diarreha, conjuntivitus and croup. Ultimately, after three visits to the emergency room, two visists to the health centre and two visits to the paediatrician, a full course of antibiotics, a steriod respirator, etc., we nursed him back to full health. After having the Doctor clear him, we took him to the day care centre. The next day, he started vomitting again. He has now been vomitting for two days, and if it doesn't get better it looks like another visit to the doctor.

I called the day care centre to discuss the situation, and they became incredibly defensive about the whole situation, which really made me angry. I then quiered about a refund of all the money I pre-paid, and they started again with it wasn't there fault, etc. At this stage, it looks like I will get my money back after writing a long letter to the head office. I will certainly not take him back there again, but I know am wondering about this day thing.

Does anyone prescribe to the notion that you need to expose your baby to germs at nine months to build their immune system?

Does he really need to be socilised? He does enjoy the other children and playing.

We are not doing this out of a need to work, as I don't at the moment. So, would it not be better to find a permanent baby sitter?

I'm guessing from your use of the words day care etc that you are in the US.

If you don't need to for work why don't you see about taking your son along to a parent/toddler type group for socialisation. I do beleive that socialisation os good for children but you would be able to stay.

Did you have any familirisation sessions at the daycare. Here in the UK a parent putting their child into nursery would go along with them the first morning, then leave them just for an hour etc gradually building up to a full day.

It is common for children to pick lots of bugs etc up when they first go to nursery etc but this all seems a little extreme. How is childcare regulated where you are. Here all nurseries and childminders (our equivalent of home day care) have to be inspected and registered and have strict staff/children ratios.

Often you have to visit several nurseries etc first to find one that you are happy with, it may be that you have to search for another that will be much better.

Yes I agree - I think socialisation is a good thing, but it doesn't have to be in a nursery. In fact the only other children dd (10 months) sees are friends' children or other children playing in the park (actually we should get out more) - nurseries here (Spain) don't usually take children until they're 18 months anyway.

Like Julie says, these illnesses also sound extreme to me. I do subscribe to the notion that children should be exposed to germs, but, well, 2 major illnesses (1 possibly food-poisoning? ) in two visits suggests that either the nursery is a bit slack, or your son is very susceptible to viruses etc. Perhaps you should look at an alternative day-care centre.

In the UK you don't usually have to pre-pay three months either!! I would forget trying nursery, it is true that the first few months they tend to pick up bugs non-stop. I found that because my dd was in for 2 - 3 days a week, she would get ill, get better, go back to nursery, get ill etc etc. In the end she seemed to be immune, but it took about a year!!

At 9 months I would be tempted to go down the parent/toddler group for socalisation, however I se you also want time off (I don't blame you) Is there such a thing as a childminder where you are? They take less children and in my experience there aren't quite so many bugs, and they can be more flexible.

I ended up with a nanny once I had 2 kids, so although we are screwed if she is sick, the kids are always healthy and there is a nanny 'mafia' fso they all get together and socalize.

On the other hand my ds started nursery one day a week at about 9 months and settled in really well (partially I think because he started going before the really clingy stage - so he settled quicker). I believe it has helped him develop as he copies other children (and it's a longer time for him to observe rather than the hour/two hours in a group where he can always go hang around mummy instead). I would do the same with my next child (fertility and finances willing of course!).

That said, I agree that it the nursery your child is going to doesn't sound that great. Did you visit many different nurseries before choosing that one? I was stunned at how much variation there was when I was looking.

I wasn't sure what to expect form posting my message, but I am glad I decided to get some advice from experienced parents. I kind of tried to address all of your messages.

I am an American based in London, but I still have difficulty with the vocabulary. They didn't cover nurserys versus day care in Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrells and it usually doesn't come up in conversations at the pub with my mates.

Believe it or not I completely short cut the program of nursery selction, becuase my doctor sends her boy (the same age) to the same nursery and praised the level of care her child was receiving. Now, I regret moving so quickly.

I have taken him to swimming lessons, but have a little trouble being a guy with 8 other mums singing the songs. I am getting better at it.

I paid three months in advance, because I was offered a 25% discount. I am glad everyone agrees that my nursery choice seems bad. They will refund my money or I will go to the Ofstead. I think for now, I will try to find babysitters for my free time and try to keep him in swim and other classes for socialization.

He is such a great little boy and loves people. He always smiles and laughs, and I am crazy about him. Just need a break now and then. I will also find a job at some point, so knowing the range of options is helpful.

Thanks for all of the feedback.

I think the conjunctivitis and flu bug are pretty much par for the course when starting a young child at nursery/day care. They are exposed to a lot of new germs and have much closer contact withother children than they usually get on a day to day basis. However, the level of illness your boy suffered is over the top - he must have been very unlucky or there is a problem at the nursery.

You should check what the nursery's policy is on illness - DSs has a clear policy and, for example, excludes conjunctivitis until treatment is begun, diarroehea/vomiting for 24 hours after the last episode and children with colds are welcome provided they are "happy in themselves" and haven't got a raging temperature.

Both my DSs started daycare/nursery at 2 for 2 full days a week. Both went down with illnesses within a week - DS1 with conjunctivitis, DS2 chicken pox (although he caught that from DS1 who caught it from nursey...) However, I have no doubts about how their nursery is run and I am happy with their policy on illnesses. At 2, both were ready for extra stimulation and learning how to socialise without a parent around and both blossomed at nursery.

I know exactly what you mean when you say hwo wonderful your boy is but how you need a break. I love my 2 child free days, I don't miss the boys when they're not with me but I'm always delighted to see them running up to me when I pick them up.

Hi Mrmum1 - it's good to have another Dad posting here! I wouldn't worry too much about being the 'only' dad at swimming etc - we have just one Dad coming to our toddler group but he seems to really enjoy it and has fitted in well!

You could try looking for a child-minder for just one day or half day a week to give you a break - I am a 'stay at home mum' but still feel I need time & space to myself so my son goes to a child minder one morning a week.

Hope you enjoy mumsnet and keep posting.