Deciding to give up work, and need to feel better about the decision

[mommycat]

(Sorry for long post? )

I am coming to realise that I don?t think I will be able to work until DD is 12 and able to take herself to and from school and so on. I am basically a single mum because DH is disabled to the point that he can?t really do more than look after her for an hour here or there, in the flat, while I go shopping; it?s better than nothing, but, I have to be home if DD is sick (which is very often though the doctors don?t think there is anything wrong her ? she is 4 so I guess that I normal.)

Anyway the work history:

I was working for a tiny company when DD was born. The disadvantage was that there was no maternity leave; but the advantage was that I could work from home for about the first 2 years, and also that they were always understanding of family situations as my boss also had to do childcare for his DD (his wife had a power job and never took time off).

Anyway, company was liquidated in January 2008 and I was made redundant.

I did try to look for jobs in that field (web design) but they want people who will opt out of EU regulations on the maximum 48 week. They do not want part timers and certainly not mothers.

A friend of mine who worked for a homeless hostel told me about a scheme at new hostel for offering members of the community free work space in exchange for teaching the hostel residents. I took this opportunity to more towards a new career ? towards something I REALLY wanted to do, though it was a risk. I have a painting studio at the hostel, and teach 2 classes a week. I have had a few commissions but not really enough to make the leap into doing this as my sole income. But if I actively promoted myself and combined painting with teaching (now that I have some experience) this could be a satisfying carreer ? more so than sitting at a desk all day.

But it is really stupid ? starting a business for a luxury item (painting) during the worst economic crisis in living memory.

Plus I have felt guilty all year about trying to do something I really enjoy. Especially now with this news that working parents are selfish. Working a job you hate to put food on the table is ok, but working at something you enjoy is definitely selfish.

DH has just been in hospital for heart failure. I will have to look after him the rest of his life. He can?t do childcare. So I have to accept that I can?t do any work. If DD is sick we have no relatives to look after her. I can?t get work done if self-employed if DD is at home, and no new employer is going to accept someone taking all this time for DD. Oh, and the NHS are so crap now that I have to personally chase up an rehab or anything to help DH as they sent him home just saying ?no booze, no fags, no macdonalds.? So it?s up to me to find out what to do to help him re: exercise classes AA etc.

I?m really depressed about not working. It was agreed when DD was born that DH was going to do the childcare. Now he can?t do anything. And I have to look after him as well.

How can I come to terms with my family being more important? DD would rather have me at home to play with her than out doing anything. How does the selfish generation come to terms with making sacrifices for our families?

When I was growing up mums gave all their time to their children and never complained about it. OK, Dads were working, and I thought it was acceptable for me to work while DH stayed home to look after DD. But now we can?t do it like that any more.

Really need to stay positive for the sake of my family.

Thanks for listening.

I think if you wanted to work it would be possible - you are legally entitled to time off when your child is sick, regardless of your employer or opt out agreements, it is something they have to deal with and most companies just get on with it.

The field of web design leans itself very well towards freelancing and therefore not doing full weeks and having flexible hours.

If you don't want to work because you want to be at home then great, accept that as your decision about what is important for your family. However, if you do want to work, it is possible, plenty of single parents work and have to deal with the obstacles you are coming up against.

Of course I want to work. I just feel like I am being selfish. The last 3 weeks have been nothing but set backs. If I had a job I would have been off for about 3 weeks between DH in hospital and DD home sick.

Sorry you are having a hard time at the moment.

I must say, the studio at the hostel sounds like a fantistic opportunity. Perhaps I have misunderstood, but why do you need to give that up? You say that it would not be sensible to have it as your sole income, but can't you keep going as you are? More than anything I feel you could benefit from having this time to yourself away from you caring responsibilities at home.

You say it is selfish to work if you enjoy your job- rubbish! Many people HAVE to work, and if they enjoy their job, all the better! Who is calling you selfish for working anyway?

Now your dd is 4, will she be going to school in September? Is she taking her 5 free nursery sessions now? If your husband can't work then you will be entitled to upto 80% childcare costs, so if you want to keep the studio on, you could, surely? And when dd is in school you will have 6+ hours a day to work on commissions, and then perhaps again in the evening when your dd sleeps, if needed. I'm only suggesting solutions because it seems such a great opportunity and would be a shame to give it up.

BUT, that said, if you are really strugglng, then you can give up work without feeling guilty- you have a lot on your plate. Will you not qualify for a carer's allowance? Sorry, I know little about this issue.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide to do

Also, when I was a single parent I had to take LOADS of time off work for my dd who suffered from repeated and severe ear infections as the nursery would not have her there on anti biotics. I was always so embarrassed to call in sick- again.

I'm so glad I stuck it out though because I gained great experience (doing something I loved, BTW), which has now led to the carer for which I am training. I would not be where I am now if I had not struggled to work as a single mum. I think it's great for self esteem as much as anything.

I think if you want to work you need childcare. So you should accept that and think about how you can work and pay for childcare.

I think IF you want to do something you love rather than something that makes money then you have to accept that it won't bring in much money. Forget the 'news' - it's not selfish to want to bring money in to feed your family!

I don't think all web design jobs want people to opt out of the EU directive, surely not?

I'm not sure what you're asking here really though. Are you asking for permission NOT to work?

I don't know what I am asking either. It seems there are so many things over which I have no control. The doctors discharged DH with so little information about what he can or can't do. No information about how long he will live, nothing like that. And how often he'll need to be in hospital or whatever. i have no idea.

I guess I am asking for someone to tell me it's ok not to work, even though it's all I've ever done. I just CAN'T bring myself to just stay at home and look after a family.

But I guess it's true, maybe I can work if I have childcare, but I will only need childcare on the days DD is sick! for the most part anyway. I guess I could find out about a childminder for picking up from school. With school you can only work from about 9.30 to 2:45 to be there in time for pick up - if work is 30 minutes from school.

Sigh i don't know.

thanks for responses. I better go play with DD now.

Life sounds hard for you at the minute what with having no help for looking after your DH or your DD.

It sounds as if the job and the route you were working towards were ideal for you. I don't really enjoy my job but haven't figured out what I really want to do, does that in some way make me better because I'm not enjoying it ? Of course it doesn't. You have a lot of demands on your time and energy and the only way that you will be able to cope over the long term is if you have something that you enjoy to throw yourself into when you can. Part time childcare can be found, emergency child minders exist, don't give your dream up for some misquoted report.

I don't have a solution but just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling so down in the dumps and hope someting works out for you.

thank you.. not sure why sometimes people post here when they are feeling down. I do anyway...but will try to also come here when cheerful, too! thanks