keeping (much loved) visitors away during working hours without being an inhospitable miserable cowbag

[hatwoman]

I recently moved and am now a 5 minute drive from my mum's house. The first time she arrived un-announced was ok - it was about 5 mins before I was due to leave to pick up dds from school. but I used the opportunity to say (and I think these were pretty much my exact words) that it would be fair to assume that during school hours - and sometimes outside them - I'll be working. ie please don't call round. It felt mean to say it but I thought it best to say it early on.

second time she did it was also ok. kind of. in that one of our new neighbours had 10 mins previously knocked on the door and I had felt that I really should invite her in and have a cup of tea. so mum didn;t actually disturb me iyswim.

today she called in unannounced - mid afternoon - about an hour before I was due to knock off and pick dds up.

now I know it gives mum huge pleasure to have me here and the last thing I want to do is offend her, and take from her pleasure. so the best case scenario would be if she had got the original hint (though it was more than a hint tbh). Part of me thinks that I am being mean and I should let this go and let her call in like this. but part of me thinks she's kind of backing me into a corner where I'll have to say something ungracious and unwelcoming - which doesn;t come naturally to me. and there's a bit of me that feels a bit cross and unrespected. In a very subtle way she's always making clear that she thinks I work too much (I work about 3-4 days a week. she seems to think I work 6 days a week) and I am 99 per cent sure that she doesn;t do this to my s-e brother who also lives close. Only a couple of days ago she was making digs about me working too hard and although she was joking I told her I didn't like it and asked her not to...

so...any ideas? I was thinking that maybe what I could do is take pre-emptive action. ie ask her if she'd like to pick dds up on a particular/regular day - and then bring them home - and I'll clock off when they're back and sit and chat. but apart from that should I say anything? Or (to use a mn phrase)aibu? (wouldn't dare post this on AIBU though...)

at length. sorry!

My parents also live close and have a high expectation of how often they might see me.

To avoid unexpected calls and interruptions I had to call them frequently and make appointments to see them at pre-arranged times. (I treated it a bit like work appointments and put them in my work diary).

After doing this for a few weeks, the first time they called round unexpectedly, I said "oh that's a shame, I was just doing some work so that I was clear to see you on Tuesday. Now I won't be able to come". They got the message pretty quickly that they couldn't just drop in.

A friend of mine gave her dad (widower) a timetable - like a school timetable, that had work commitments and "free periods". He lived a long way from her, but he knew he could telephone for a chat during the free periods without getting in the way of her work tasks or her essential family tasks.

P.S. My parents also think I work too much, but then I think that they spend too much time in their garden.

YANBU Hatwoman - to use the phrase from that other terrifying topic in which you invite others to pass judgment on you!

To be a bit pretentious, this is an interesting dilemma which sets off the dream of community and one version of femininity/motherhood against another, isn't it?

In one story (maybe your mum's story about you), you're a SAHM and it's some kind of historic golden age where neighbours and relatives pop in for tea and biscuits (and there's no crime and there are milkmaids riding bicycles around the village green).

In another story you are both a mother and a highly-educated worker (working from a home office), using your management skills to follow a well-oiled timetable that allows you to do some of each of what you want (and pay the mortgage).

In my own experience family members who have lived their lives differently can't really ever get to grips with the latter scenario, partly because they don't understand how you make your money (actually most people don't understand what consultants do!) and partly because they don't want to understand (they prefer to view you in other ways/cast you in other lights that better suit their own understanding of the world). (This may just be my family, of course - would be nice to hear that others are different).

Anyway, all this by way of saying I don't have a practical answer to offer, but I liked NotSoClever's various points.

Since I've been pregnant and the busybodies of the world around me have taken it upon themselves to proffer unsolicited advice on how I should be living/will want to live once the baby is born I've taken to emphasising to people that I will have to work - we need the money etc etc. Makes me sound a bit mercenary to my own ears, but shuts them all up quite quickly. Does your mum clearly understand how the bills get paid in your house? Just a thought!

MrsBaldwin

loving the idea of getting her to pick up dds from school - that will give you a bit extra time to have the tea and cake ready for when she comes back with them.

What Mrsbaldwin said was a great point.

That timetable idea is bloody mad.
If you aren't available, don't answer the phone.
Likewise,if someone calls when i am working, i carrry on.

Hi Hatwoman. I had this exact scenario a couple of years ago, except it was my Pil.
They're elderly and they don't really get the concept of freelance / working at home either. Mil totally understands when I'm in London shooting but doesn't realise that it also involves load of paperwork/email/phone calls at home.
In all honesty, it died down after the initial excitement of us being close and I'm sure it will with your mum.
Whoever said set a regular date is right. We see Pil on Sun for dinner every week and I'll phone if I can fit any other days in.
It is annoying, but remember, it's only because she loves you and she worries about you.
So.... how's village life otherwise?

thanks for the replies. I've calmed down a bit now...I think perhaps I do need to move off the defensive (isn;t it terrible to phrase it that way...?) and make more of an effort - which will help shift the balance of whose terms it's on - obviously our relationship can't only be on my terms but, unwittingly, I've let it slip into being more on hers than mine...if that makes sense. I'll talk to her about the regular-ish day. when the snow's all gone.

re the validity of my work, in Mum's eyes, and the bills etc. I have a credibility problem there. dh (damn him) has to date earned shit loads more than me...and in mum's eyes my work is more akin to a hobby. albeit quite a serious one. It's not so true anymore - in that the gap has narrowed with dh going p-t. although my mum is thoroughly modern in many ways I think there is still a slight sexism to her thoughts on children, money, households that she can't quite shake. to which dh's earning power has contributed.

Ingles - village life is fab. although I haven't got anything negative to say I've not posted about it much, because I kind of feel that I don;t want new rl friends to be able to identify me on mn iyswim. but the gist is - I've spoken to more of my neighbours in a month than in 13 years in London; the school and parents are v. friendly; I've been running and dog walking with new friends. and it looks beautiful in the snow!

I meant to emphasize that I didn;t really mean it when I said damn him re dh. the man's a star. and it's not his fault I chose a line of work with shit pay...

rofl at the idea of giving someone a timetable. what a ghastly daughter.

hatwoman, i think the idea of getting her to pick up kids from school is perfect, it will signal a clear knock-off time. apart from that, it'simpossible. people will always equate working from home with not working imo. because you are in your pyjamas.

I thought the timetable thing was quite a good idea
At least something simple with the periods noted when you have meetings/important phone calls booked in for so that she knows you wont be able to asnwer the phone or door at those times. Phrase it in the way that you want to save her a wasted journey.

lol.

just don't answer the phone or the door if you're working.

We had this when DH used to work from home. When my SIL came to stay (they lived 4 hours away) she found it impossible to understand that, yes he was in the house, but he was WORKING. He was not lounging around drinking coffee, he had deadlines to meet, customers to call, etc. She got really shirty when she made him a cappucinno and he did not come down until it was cold.

He had to tell her, quite bluntly as his gentle hints were not working, that he would try and take some time to see her when she was there but that he had to get his work done first.

You need to make it clear to her when you are working that you cannot drop everything. Even if it means the first few times you say that you are a bit stressed as you have a deadline to meet. She will soon get the message.

you could be me Hatwoman...
What makes the validity worse here is that DH and I do the same job but in slightly different fields.
Yet both Mil and my DM seem to think his work is more valid than mine!!!!!??? That one has me secretly shaking with inner rage actually.
I can't be bothered to correct them anymore, I just spend plenty of time telling my boys that my work is extremely valid and no I'm NOT Munsnetting... I'm working

munsnetting
I'm definitely not dong that.

oh FFS!
doing!

Hi Hatwoman

I'm entertained to read (after the village green metaphor of my first post) that you really do, in fact live in a village!

Maybe you moved into your mum's fantasy life - or am I getting a bit psychological here ?

I ran away from small town/village life in my teens, the first moment I could find an suitable exit, BTW, and I ain't never goin' back! I've even taken the precaution of marrying a native Londoner! But your village sounds very nice

Anyway on the more practical question re who earns more money there is a broader point for you, from me and it's this - as you progress onwards and upwards with your consultancy you will want to consider putting your prices up I have steadily raised my over a period of 3-4 years.

not having read other replies , I might be repeating so sorry!
When I became partially self-employed, I had to work hard to impress upon people that I was still working on my SE days, not free to bugger around and do whatever they wanted (parents mostly).

When I started working from home, this was even harder. I suggest that you say to your mum (and others) - "you wouldn't just turn up like this if I worked in an office and expect me to drop everything, would you? So please don't do it here, this IS my office." And then offer them times that it is acceptable to drop round, i.e. scheduled teabreaks or lunchtime.

HTH!

There are some good suggestions here. Unfortunately, I think you've got it when you make the point that she doesn't see your work as being as important/credible which means that on some level, she is probably purposely coming during your work times. My mum is a lot like this - and I work for a bloody bank in an office for 60 hours a week. She simply cannot imagine that I cannot just have a chat to her whenever she feels like it or that I might not be able to respond to her text messages instantly.

But I think polite consistent responses of "hi mum, did you need something specific or just a chat as I'm right in the middle of something" and then disappearing back to the office is probably your best bet. You are not being rude, even though it will feel like you are.

I so love the comments on here about how "Consultancy" is perceived. My parents have struggled for years to understand my career. They try hard "so what do people consult you about?" etc, but they just don't have any examples from their life/experience to compare it with. As part of my job I do quite a lot of career coaching, and they are completely bewildered as to why anyone would pay me to discuss career options and aspirations, work on their CV or prepare them for interview.

I see them struggling most when they try to explain my job to their (equally elderly) friends - it would have been much easier if I had just been a nurse or a teacher (big joke!).

Maybe it is also linked to their perception of me as "their little girl": when I had a real, employed job, I moved to a now role. My Dad was asking how many of the 450 people in the department worked for me. When I told him it was all of them, he said "Well, I'm flabbergasted!"

Parents, don't you love 'em.

And another thing....

I know that I undermine my own position too - so I work hard at being firm about when people call, making it clear that working from home IS a commitment etc. Then I skive off for a long lunch with my friends, or take the opportunity to do some gardening when the sun is shining. But then that is the whole purpose of having flexible arrangements.

I had a bit of a disaster with a version of the timetable idea. My Mum asked me for a schedule of when I'm working and when I'm with DS, and she actually drew a timetable and stuck it in her kitchen. So I gave it to her, and she called every time I was working without fail... It's difficult because my Mum takes umbrage quite easily. I eventually tiptoed up to the subject and she said 'Oh, I don't call you when you've got DS because you can't talk properly then.'

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrgh!

The thing that worked was explaining to her that when DS is in nursery we're paying money, and I need to earn that amount of money per hour in that time or I DS would have to come out of nursery. But she still calls sometimes when I'm working. I always say 'Mum I'm just in the middle of working for a client and I'm on a timesheet, can I call you back?' Seems to work.

So tricky, I sympathise hatwoman!

quick update - I've started my pre-emptive approach - phoned mum at school pick up time and told her we'd both (ie me and dh - also works from home) knocked off for the week, so did she want to pop by...and when here she said something about realising she'd dropped by out of the blue earlier in the week...so I think that as long as I ensure there are enough casual invites so that she gets her fill of dds it will be ok. she is, I have to say, as near to perfect as you can get as a mum and granny...

I am just firm about it and if my parents phone on work days I say something like 'I can't talk now as I'm working.' I also said that they wouldn't call db when he was working in an office and so they shouldn't do differently with me, unless of course it was an emergency.
hen they first came to stay after I started working at home they struggled to get it but I took to telling them when we arranged their stays that I worked on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and wouldn't be around to entertain them. I would then go and lock myself in the home office. They did get the message after a while.