Help! DD not settling with her CM and I just don't know what to do.

[Scroggleboggle]

Hello! I'm desperately looking for advice on what to do about my childminder. Here's what's going on. My DD (now 11 months) started with her CM at the beginning of December for 2 days a week. It took a while to settle but by Christmas she seemed just about OK. Then she had three weeks off over Christmas (holiday then she was ill). Since then, it's been a nightmare to be honest. She is still going for two days (one full, two half) but seems to cry a lot. She starts wailing as we approach the door, and I can hear her up the street as I leave. My CM says that she cries on and off most of the day. However, she does get better towards the end of the week. She is meant to be going up to three days a week from now - but today she is going to come home early as she's got a cold and I HAVE TO WORK! Aaaargh.

So now I'm thinking, she's been going for nearly two months and she's not remotely settled. Is this 'normal'? I just don't know whether I should be looking for a new CM (although would that add to the disruption)? The nurseries around here are totally full so that's not really an option. I trust the CM and like her, I think she's kind, but I know she's finding the constant crying hard. I find myself apologising for my DD but also feeling desperate that she's so unhappy. By the way, once she's home with me, she's happy as anything, smiling and laughing. She is also a very determined girl, and one of the problems is that she WILL NOT sleep in the day, unless in the buggy.

Has anyone else been in this situation, and what have you done? Sorry .... this is realllly long!

Lots of people have this problem. It is absolutely normal. Your LO is at an age where she is very aware that you are leaving...yet does not yet have the sense to realise you always come back.
The break over Christmas etc will defintiely not have helped but I would stay stick with same CM rather than change. Apologise by all means....but you are paying her. Some children take longer than others to settle. My friend's LO took approx 5 months to settle, he started nursery around 10 months old and was aes settling there. He is still quite sensitive now and if they have to give him time out etc he becomes unsettle for many days (now nearly 2 years).
My DS (21 mo) is no prob settling with anyone. They are all so different. I know it is very very upsetting for you that she seems distressed and you feel guilty/bad for leaving her, but trust your instinct. If you are happy with CM then your LO will soon get used, even if it takes longer than others.
Make sure you always say a firm goodbye, don't prolong the goodbye and always say 'mummy will come back soon to collect you'. I will watch the thread so keep me posted. Good luck

Hi Plod, thanks so much for answering. It's so reassuring to hear that it's normal not to settle quickly - and so easy to sit here thinking that I'm damaging her for life! My childminder is quite young and maybe hasn't had so many babies, so I think she is not quite sure what to make of it too. Thanks again.

You most certainly won't damage her for life. It's very normal, especially between certain ages they settle less easily than other ages. Just stick with it. Be smiley and cheerful on the way to child minder, make it seem very positive to your DD. Reassure her when you leave her say a cheery goodbye and always tell her you are coming back then when you do she knows you have kept to your word!! Collect her with a smile too (v hard I know when you are tired and worn out, stressed/hungry/fed up etc) and I know she is young but ask what she got up to at the child minders and did she have a good time. It will work out for you

I would recommend if your CM is able to that she starts going every day for only an hour or so she gets used to being left & collected without it being a whole day. Is you CM full or would this be a possibility. To your dd all that space inbetween going and not going is a long time!

That is a valid point Cargirl. My friend's little boy who took ages to settle only went on Mondays at first, it was way too long between sessions. If CM can't accomodate the above, ask her if it would be possible if you could maybe call in for a cuppa once or twice in the week for a couple of weeks, that way you are there with DD too and she sees that you also trust/like CM?

Hi cargirl (and plod again)! That's definitely a good point re: frequency as she does get better as the week goes by and then there's a three day gap over the weekend so seems like we're back to square one by Monday. I'll speak to the CM about dropping in. Got to go and pick DD up in a minute - she's miserable and the CM suggested I get her. I work from home, just round the corner, and I wonder if I'm just too available when things get tough.

Any thoughts on the sleep issue? I think it really doesn't help that she gets so tired but really not sure what to do about that. DD and I have a fight everyday about her going down for a nap (ie lots of crying and protestations on her part!). It's difficult for the CM to do the same when she's got other children in her care I guess.

Thanks so much for responding, it's such a relief! I love my work (and need the money!) but have been worrying lately that I'm putting my own happiness before DD's! Right I'm rambling on now ... sorry!

My CM had a little boy who did not settle at well so she had him every day for half an hour or so until he was happy. Some children just do suffer with seperation anxiety far more than others I'm afraid.

Perhaps she could go every morning for 3 hours, the CM would then know it's only 3 hours to cope with IYSWIM?

What times does your dd sleep at night and when are you trying to get her to nap?

sorry if these are obvious questions but...

does the CM take your dd outside a lot for walks?

Is the CM good at distracting your dd? My dcs were sometimes clingy but could always be distracted by something. Food, TV, night garden, reading a story etc

does your dd spend time with other adults, without you? it might help for example if she can spend a couple of hours with your mum / friend / someone else, just to get used to being away from you?

oh and my dcs did not sleep in the day unless in their buggies either. they are now 2 and 5. CM takes the youngest out and about a lot, so she still sleeps in her buggy or not at all. if really tired they would fall asleep on my shoulder or something. i wouldn't stress about the sleep thing tbh but if your dd has not settled by march or something i would think about going to see other CMs...? good luck!

You are not putting your own happiness first at all....sanity maybe, ha but we are all guilty of that. If DD is sleeping well at night then I also wouldn't worry too much about naps, unless she is getting really grumpy/overtired?
My friends DD never sleeps in day but sleeps 7pm-8am. If it stresses you both out trying to get her to nap then leave it. I know you prob need her to nap if you working from home? If you collect her from CM and walk home with buggy would she drop off to sleep? I used to do this then park DS up in garden (Icould see him through patio doors) and let him sleep in buggy while I got things done.
I am an busy body ha but I know what it's like when you feel like you are the only one!! You defintiely aren't.
It's trial and error to see what works best and sometimes you don't think of everything yourself do you. Keep smiling.