Working full time and want a general rant about non understaning mums/in-laws!

[vtiredmummy]

DS is 2 and I went back from mat p/t in Sep 07. Became very unhappy in job, saw my ideal job and got it, have been there f/t since Oct 08. Would far rather be p/t but not an option in new job. DS spends 1/2 time at nursery and 1/2 time with his nanna, both of which he enjoys.

What is my problem then???

The guilt trips constantly put upon me from every other female who is a mum in my family! Mum, mum-in-law and both sis-in-laws all gave up work to bring up kids, and judge me for returning to work.

Reasons are twofold: financial, and the fact that I worked blimmin' hard to get where I am in my career and am proud of my achievements.

How do I reason with the women in my family I am not a bad mum??? Has anyone else gone through this?

Rant over

If they judge you, they are envious.

A few years down the line, when you have that interesting career, more money. probably a good pension too and a child who is perfectly well adjusted and happy. they'll realise that you've got what they probably secretly want!

I'd have thought your happy DS would be all the proof they needed. SO I'd have to agree - they're not thinking you're a bad mum because your son is suffering, it's because you've made a decision they wouldn't have made.

I'm lucky enough not to have to work - but I choose to. I enjoy my job and I don't want to give it up. My mum really can't understand it at all - she never worked from when her and dad married until we were about ten. But slowly, she's coming to realise it doesn't mean I don't care about my children, just that I'm not my mother (well, not in that respect anyway! ) and I'm making different choices. My kids are crazy about me and I'm crazy about them.

I don't think you can win the whole working/non-working mum thing!

You can't reason with them ! What you can do though, is to make it clear that you don't need their judgey comments - when they start, you say something like 'Thanks, but our family arrangements work for us and we don't plan on changing them' that makes it clear that it's your and your DH's decision (v important with MILs), and allows you to employ the 'broken record' technique where you don't raise to criticisms and just repeat until they give up.

This works for me anyway ! And I get a lot of people trying to guilt trip me as I work FT and have to travel for work

I shall definitely try to be stronger...

Should've said MIL and SIL's live in Australia, so they only guilt trip me from a distance. It could be a lot worse I guess.

SIL (knowing my situation) recently sent me one of those group invites on FB called something like 'stay at home mums deserve more respect' Why would you send it to someone you know is a mum who works f/t???!!!

I have to be super careful with mum tho, as she looks after DS 3 days p/w. I have learnt to bite my lip better since DS came along!

Guilt, guilt, guilt - me too! I worked part-time after DS, but went back to work FT 8 weeks ago after DD was born. She is now 8 months old. I feel like I am torn - but like you, I am proud of what I do and actually quite enjoy it. DS and DD are happy and currently seem well-adjusted. They will never have known any different - just because my mum was always at home doesn't mean that I should be, and doesn't mean that my kids will somehow be disadvantaged if I'm not. In fact, I think they benefit from me working. I know, I know - I would say that - and I am full of admiration for WOHM's and SAHM's who both do difficult jobs. But this is about choice and what works for your family. I like cmotdibbler's phrase - I will use that in future! Do what works for you. If it stops working - change it. If it's still working - enjoy life! Must go, I'm off to work.......

Mine (MIL and M) stay schtumm so I think I'm quite lucky but what I hate, and have whined on here before about, is other women who don't particularly know me, saying "ooh you must be mad to work f/t with a litle one." No, I'm perfectly sane actually. Working f/t enables me to earn a good salary, progresses my career faster and dd is perfectly happy and I enjoy the time that I do spend with her. I do plan to work p/t in the future, perhaps if I have another dc but really working f/t suits the circumstances of my family right now.

I guess I still feel like I have a guilty secret that I need to keep quiet, rather than be proud of having my DS and a f/t job.

Like you Ladidadi, I hope to go p/t sometime in the future. Many have told me it is a damn sight easier working f/t before dc are at school than after.

Doesn't matter what you do. If you work f/t, you'll be accused of neglecting your children by some of the SAHM brigade. If you work p/t you'll have the guilt of 'only' being there p/t while your colleagues are there all the time, and if you are a SAHM you'll have some of the working mums trilling "I couldn't POSSIBLY stay at home all the time, I'd be so BORED".

Guilt and no chance of ever winning, despite your best intentions = motherhood IMO

LOL paolosgirl very, very true!

It doesn't matter what choice you make about combining work and motherhood - all choices will be criticised by a lot of people.

You are very lucky to have 50% of your childcare needs met by a grandmother. 100% nursery is the really hard thing to have to put a small child through, IMVHO.

Cheers for that supportive comment Anna. When DS bounces into nursery tomorrow, full of love for his carers, I'll remind him that I am 'putting him through\ this

It was In Her Very Honest Opinion, Cmot, and if I'm very honest I don't think nursery from a very young age from 7.30am-6pm 5 days a week is ideal either.

But that's all it is. My opinion, nothing more!

I know I'm v lucky to have DS's nanna there for part of the week...hence I have learned to bite my tongue when she makes comments about how to bring up my DS

But after the initial settling in which was pretty tough I do feel he gets a massive amount from nursery. His vocabulary, ability to self-feed and table manners have improved beyond my wildest dreams!

Sounds like you have the best of all worlds really!

cmotdibbler - if you want a comment that is supportive of your choices, you need to start your own thread. My comment was supportive of the OP's choices

cmotdibbler - there, that's telling you eh!

God forbid that your choices (which in fact are the same as very many working parents) should be met with a bit of support!!

findtheriver - can I gently suggest a New Year's resolution for you? That you practice logic

I consider my wrists well and truly slapped then....

cmotdibbler - I support your choice My dd3 goes to nursery five days a week because my mother lives over 100 miles away and I too have chosen having an interesting career.

Anna - there was no need for you to make that comment about 100% nursery - you could congratulate the op on having her childcare sorted without having a dig at a childcare option which is widely used by many working parents and which provides good quality care.

I am a SAHM and frankly wish I could work part time. I think there is a touch of jealousy from the Op's relatives. I think the Op has the ideal balance and if she is happy then great! I'm terrified that I won't be able to find another interesting job when my third child is old enough.

I also agree with Anna. She wasn't having a dig at working parents. Most people would agree full time nursery isn't the ideal situation for a baby but understand that needs must etc..

Thank you Anna8888 for your endless suggestions and emoticons.

Can I be suggest that your New Year Resolution is to practise spelling?

Someone will always criticise. I work F/T because I am a single mum and there is no part time option in what I am trained to do. The pulls of my dd, needing to provide, the long term picture, family beyond dd, are familiar to me. I mostly keep repeating "you make the very best decisions you can at the time" to myself... seems to work. I am sure you are, too, and wish more self belief for you, as I can't give you the reason you ask for in your OP.

very good post notevenamousie.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with working full time, working part time, or staying home, provided it's a decision that you've come to in agreement with your partner and with the interests of the your family at heart.

The problem on MN is that there are a few militants who get over excited and think that because they have done things a particular way, it must therefore be right for everyone.

Myself, I worked three days a week when my children were very little, returning a few months after each of my three were born. Once they were in school I worked full time. My DH also had a period of working part time when the children were small. It worked for us. I wouldnt dream of concluding from this that it's right for everyone. I have many friends, for example, who have worked full time straight after maternity leave and their children are perfectly happy and well adjusted.

IME the people who criticise are the ones who secretly aren't happy with their lot but would never dare admit it!