Leaving for work in the morning.... sneak out or say goodbye?

ARAG · 2008-12-04T21:11:52+00:00

Small question, but with a big impact. We're still in the early days of my returning to work and I haven't quite figured out the best way to leave in the morning (with our one-day-a-week nanny). Do I say goodbye with lots of kisses? Or do I sneak away when she is occupied with the nanny? DD is 10 months old, and I think separation anxiety is factoring into things. I just want fewer tears for her, and for this to be as comfortable as possible.

hollytree · 04/12/2008 21:14

from what I've read, I think its better to say goodbye and that you will back later and have a lovely day with the nanny. Then she knows you are definitely going, but that you will come back (or at least she will learn in time that you always come back).

I think if you sneak away without her knowing, she will never be totally sure at other times if you are out of the room etc that you havent gone away properly and so she will get worse separation anxiety.

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 04/12/2008 21:15

i think you should always always say good bye and give her a kiss and a cheerful wave.... if you sneak off you risk her losing trust in you.... how will she know you havent gone for day when you leave room to go to loo? you risk making her clingier than a clingy thing imo. i know she's young but she probably understands more than you think....

OrmIrian · 04/12/2008 21:15

Quick kiss and then leave. Not lots of kisses. Make it as matter of fact as possible. And she will soon realise you will be back every evening.

cmotdibbler · 04/12/2008 21:15

I think the best approach is a quite matter of fact, 'bye bye darling, mummy is going to work now, see you later' with a kiss and hug, then out the door. Then she will get to know that this is the routine and you will be back later. Sneaking out isn't good as they just don't know where you have gone.

If she is only with the nanny one day a week, thats possibly an issue as its a long time between being with her

BrummieMomInMerthyr · 04/12/2008 21:16

Agree with hollytree, def say goodbye, dd will soon learn you are going to come back home.

bran · 04/12/2008 21:16

I would say goodbye with a cheerful hug and a kiss but without making a big deal of it. If just sneak out then she may worry all the time that you are going to leave if you go out of sight, but equally if you have a lingering goodbye then she make pick up that you are anxious about leaving her.

Original poster

ARAG · 04/12/2008 21:25

Thanks for your replies. Confirms my hunch... Nice to have this affirmation!

Going back to work has been hard emotionally. It's hard to leave her when she is upset! But I s'pose these are the early days of establishing a new routine....... sigh.....

Thanks again!

OP posts:

upsydaydey · 04/12/2008 21:33

As a nanny myself I would say that it is very important that you say goodbye to her, give her a kiss and explain that you will be back and when you will be back e.g after supper/ bath. She'll gradually feel happier about you going if she begins to understand that mummy goes but she always comes back. Sneeking out will make her panic whenever you leave her sight as she won't know how long you'll be away.

She may well cry when you leave but in my experience it's very common for them to stop almost as soon as the door is closed. I've known babies to screem as their mothers leave and start laughing within seconds!

Good luck with it all.

Original poster

ARAG · 04/12/2008 21:42

Thanks upsy.... that's helpful!

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OrangeKnickers · 05/12/2008 10:54

Also I think it helps to be cheery - like 'goodbye, you are oging to have a great day with X and then mummy will be home to give you big cuddles'.

makes me feel better anyway.

stealthsquiggle · 05/12/2008 10:57

Sneaking out not good in general. However I have been known to sneak out before they wake up - and am told that they are fine when they do wake up. Now DS is older I try to remember to leave him a note, otherwise he can get a bit weepy at having missed seeing me in the morning.

woodstock3 · 05/12/2008 13:50

we've done the same routine since ds was eight months old (when i went back). after our nanny arrives we all play for a bit together, then i say cheerfully 'mummy's going to work now, are you going to wave byebye?'. our nanny then brings him to the door, we have a hug and a kiss and i say 'have a nice day with (nanny), see you tonight'. when he was little i then used to hand him to her so he could wave while i walked off: now he hugs me for a bit and then voluntarily reaches for her. he waves me down the street.
i keep it cheerful even when i dont feel it and he is usually fine about it. saying goodbye in the same way every morning seems to mean firstly he knows im coming back and doesnt get upset; secondly reduces clinginess at other times, ie he knows that if im at home and i go out of the room for a bit (say leaving him with his dad for a few minutes while i go upstairs), im not going for long because we havent done the whole waving scenario. i think if you sneak off, every time you leave the room it can make them panic.
agree with cmotdibbler it's harder if it's just one day a week as it will not be such a routine, but as she gets older she will get used to the idea more.

sparklyxmasfairy · 05/12/2008 14:03

I think always say goodbye in cheerful determined manner and head out
but have less experience as I only worked for 4 months when dd was 1yr old stayed with dh and wasn't that bothered I left

Original poster

ARAG · 07/12/2008 09:20

Thanks again... I like the idea of a off-to-work mini-routine so that she knows what to expect. I can see that she is getting used to the new arrangement, even if it is just one day a week that she is with the nanny.

Keeping it cheerful is key, sounds like (again... even if I've got a lump in my throat!).

Thanks for the tips!

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Ripeberry · 10/12/2008 21:19

Always say goodbye and let your DC see you leaving. Don't ever sneak off as it will make them even MORE anxious!

CeciC · 11/12/2008 20:35

Always say goodbye. The first time my DD1 spent some time with my parents without us, my mum put her for a nap while I was at the bank. I was leaving before she would have woken up, so I left without saying goodbye, first time in 2 1/2 years. My mum thought it was best to sneak out. Since then, she will not fall sleep if she thinks thay my or my husband are going anywhere as she wants to say goodbye. She has to see and say goodbye to anyone leaving the house, and she will get very crossed is she can't say goodbye to anyone leaving the house, doesn't matter what time it is. She is now almost 8 years old, but still does it.

CeciC · 11/12/2008 20:35

Always say goodbye. The first time my DD1 spent some time with my parents without us, my mum put her for a nap while I was at the bank. I was leaving before she would have woken up, so I left without saying goodbye, first time in 2 1/2 years. My mum thought it was best to sneak out. Since then, she will not fall sleep if she thinks thay my or my husband are going anywhere as she wants to say goodbye. She has to see and say goodbye to anyone leaving the house, and she will get very crossed is she can't say goodbye to anyone leaving the house, doesn't matter what time it is. She is now almost 8 years old, but still does it.