Feel upset about going back to work and its not until Feb ...

[pamelat]

I go back to work on 1st Feb after 12 months maternity leave.I will only be doing 3 days a week, previously I was full time. I actually like my job, or rather I used to pre DD. I know and keep trying to tell myself that I am lucky.

Some days I have sat at home and looked forward to going back "for a rest" but now that the time is drawing closer (in my mind) I am an emotional wreck.

Whenever DH tries to talk to me about it I end up crying and I am really scared that I will always regret going back as I will miss out on so many things with her. I dont think that it helps that my mum stayed at home with us for 5 years and always says that I will now "miss out".

Now in my practical mind I know I am being selfish. I know she will love nursery and I know that I am lucky to be able to work part time and lucky to have had a year off etc etc. I also know that I am a bit rubbish as a SAHM, for example, I should be cleaning whilst she is asleep but instead I internet!

Is it normal to feel so upset about it? Especially considering that it isnt for another 2.5 months. It just feels so close, in my own mind its just after Christmas.

I am also scared of works expectations, as I really dont feel that I can prioritise work anymore and its a fairly demanding role.

Part of me just thinks - go back, try to get pregnant and then take time off again and then maybe a career break. Another part is just very upset about how I will not be with DD every day. I am PFB I know.

At the moment we visit grandparents each Sunday and DH and I have had a row because I have said that once I am back at work I wont want to do this. I feel that once my time with her is "reduced" then I'll want to spend time with her alone, or with DH.

Bit worried that its delayed post natal anxiety?

I genuinely think its affecting my mood. Am starting to resent people who are SAHM and starting to resent work and my DH (for encouraging me back to work). We can't really survive on one wage but after nursery and petrol costs, I'll hardly be earning anything anyway and I am just wondering whether I would rather work from home a few hours a day or do something in the evenings. I dont want to leave her (but know that I am lucky and selfish, which makes me feel worse).

I think I may be pre-menstrual too but I dont want to ruin my last 2.5 months with her by worrying about Feb. See, even typing about Feb has made me cry.

Pamelat, I sympathise. It will all be OK, tho, whether you do go back, or manage to sort out some work from home. I've been through all this twice, and - for me - the bit just before I went back was worse than actually going back! Remember, too, that you have another 2.5 months together, which will be wonderful. And three days a week is brilliant - I do that, too, and love that I'm with them more than I'm away.

Thank you Sarimille

I almost wonder whether 12 months has been too long off. At 6 months I would have happily gone back but now we are really having fun and have our own little routine going.

I keep telling myself that I can go back and then decide what to do but I am also cross with myself for not wanting to go back, if that makes sense.

I booked DD's nursery place whilst I was pregnant as said that I wasnt going to become "one of those people" (!) who didnt want to go back to work. But now nothing else seems important, other than her ....

I think that my work consider me to be ambitious too, but I dont feel like that anymore.

I could have written your post when dd was a baby and I was about to go back. Especially the bit about being a rubbish SAHM...

I cried loads in the last couple of months before the end of my maternity leave. Couldn't discuss it with DH at all.

I have just gone back to work again after dc2 and it is all sooo much better (except I just miss ds like crazy).

Here are my tips:

1. Go to GP just in case - I was diagnosed with PND and went on ADs for a while. It was obviously related to anxiety about going back, and the ADs were a godsend

1. Don't talk about your plans for your routine when you go back just yet. Ie do not row about whether or not you will want to carry on weekly visits to gps. WAIT AND SEE how you feel - may be totally different from how you expect to feel.

1. Settle dd into nursery 2 weeks before going back if possible. This massively reduced my stress about leaving her.

1. Go back as planned, but keep your options open - career change or moving to working from home is best done after you go back and are sure how you feel about it - see 2 above!

1. Do not call yourself selfish. You are not. This is a perfectly normal reaction.

1. Ignore your mum (nicely). You won't miss out, especially only doing 3 days.

1. If you go back and find the work itself difficult, talk to your line manager before it becomes a big problem. Have some constructive suggestions up your sleeve but don't be afraid to ask for support.

1. Try (hard I know) not to worry about all this stuff for the next 2.5 months. Plan things to keep you busy. Get ready for christmas. You can't do anything to address your worries until you are back there - so put it in a box.

x-post pamelat - funny what you say about 12 months being too long. I was off for 6 months, and convinced myself that if it had only been 4 I would have been fine

We obviously think alike

I'm right there with you. I go back on Jan 19th after 13 months off and I'm dreading it. Going back 2.5 days a week as job share instead of full time. For ages I was really depressed about it, refused to talk about Christmas etc but then I realised that I was just going to spoil the last couple of months I have with DD so I'm really trying to make the most of it.

I know I'll cry my eyes out - I did when I went up to work last week for a short meeting! . I've got to go in to hold interviews in early Dec for a day and I'm dreading that. All we can do is play it by ear and give it a chance. If it doesn't work out, think again but we might surprise ourselves.

The fact that you used to like your job is great. I'm sure you will like it again - and remember how satisfying it is to feel rewarded for what you do and to be earning. In the meantime dd will be learning to socialise in a veritable toy shop. You will both be so pleased to see each other at the end of the day that you will get the best cuddles and really be able to give your all to her. You really could have the best of both worlds.

But doggie's right - just play it as it comes. No need for drastic decisions.

thanks all, feel a bit better already (very up and down), will re read this thread when I am feeling sad.

I keep telling people "2 days a week would be ok, but 3 just isn't" and they look at me as though I am mad!

If I were doing 2 then no doubt that would also upset me.

Will see how it goes.

I have a new boss to go back to. Female but no children. I just feel glad that my old boss has moved on as feel I would dissapoint him ....

Yep - sounds familiar - I went back for 4 days, and used to tell everyone that 3 would be fine, but oh god 4 is just too much...

I also felt that I would be letting everyone down. This is NOT TRUE. Your self-confidence needs to be built up again, that's all.

i'm going back in one tiny week after nearly 13 months off, with DH becoming a SAHD for a while and i still feel very mixed about the whole thing - i don't think it's ever easy

doing the countdown to it also makes what you have left much less enjoyable, especially as it's full of irrational anxiety about what if this? what if that? i've been winding myself up about DH being able to brush DD's hair properly, for goodness sake

i am going to TRY and enjoy this last week off, because I know once i'm sat back at my desk i'll be kicking myself for spoiling it for myself. plus it definitely won't be as bad as i think it's going to be

I would LOVE to have 2.5 months left - enjoy enjoy enjoy!

I felt exactly the same. I couldnt negociate reduced hours in my city job (despite having worked there 10 years) and ended up taking redundancy. Still couldnt find part time work in my field but found a roll with better hours than my previous job (i do 8.30 - 5....old job was 7am-6pm)
anyway....i was like you....upset and crying at the prospect of it BUT ive now been working since August and I have to say i do quiet enjoy it. Of course it helps that son is very happy and settled in nursery and i also have wrap around care from my sister before and after.....sisters house is his second home and he loves playing with his cousins.
You dont miss out.....you just have more quality time with them when you arent working. and if you only doing 3 days a week then i say its PERFECT really. Honestly dont beat yourself up about it. As i said i was so sad before i started back at work. didnt think i could leave my darling boy but its really ok. hes very happy and im earning money to keep us all solvent.

I think the main things is make sure your little one is settled with CM/nursery or whatever BEFORE you return. I had mine in nusery one day a week for a few months before i went back to work. Although i missed him and sometimes didnt want to take him i used that day to get on with jobs i couldnt do when he was around. It made the transition to full time ALOT easier......

i work in a pressurised all male city envirnoment...but a lot of them are fathers so they do understand...

also what helped me is that i gave myself 3 months. saw going back to work as "trial" and if i wasnt happy after 3 months i would quit....
made it not seem so final in my head....
ive been working over 3 months now and im not quitting!!

Thank you, its looking more promising.

I can even see the positives about going back to work, bizarelly I keep even thinking that it will be good for DD to eat at nursery and she wont end up just having cheese or banana sandwiches most days (said I'm rubbish at SAHM!) and how much cleaner our kitchen floor will be!

She has learnt to crawl this week (so proud) and am really trying to stay positive.

I think that one of the hardest things is when you talk to your friends without children and they assume that you can't wait to be back at work, to be "stimulated". I don't feel like that .

My job is in the public sector so I should be ok family flexibility wise, its also full of men though. About 60 men and 5 women, only 2 of us (women) have children.

Agree with everyone above about getting them settled into nursery before you go back.

I had ds1 in nursery for 2 weeks before returning part-time after 12 months off.

You will still get to spend 2 full days with her (you'll wish you were full time at times ) so it may be a nice balance for you.

I did 3 days for 6 months then became SAHM. But that was because we moved, if we were still where we were I would still be working.

You will never know if you made the right decision until you have tried returning to work. I loved my job, Dh earns much much more than me so when this new job came up it was too good to miss. Hence why I left work so willingly.

See how you feel about the weekend visits after you have returned.

There's been some really good advice on this thread. It really is one of those situations where the thinking about it is far worse than the reality. Once you get into the swing of it, you'll be fine - no doubt your dd will flourish at nursery and you will enjoy being back at work and having space to be a working woman as well as a mum.
Your OP shows a lot of insight, and you seem to know deep down that despite the worries everything will be fine.
I think you make a pertninent point about maternity leave. I think the one downside of the extended leave these days is that a year is a hugely long time to be at home and then have to readjust to work. I'm not saying ML should be shortened, because I think it's good that women have the option of the extra 6 months, but I can't help feeling it makes it harder to return. (My babies were born during the time of 6 months max ML and in fact many women took less than this as the last 3 months were unpaid).
Ignore you mother. My mother hinted at similar things (never dared say it outright!). I think there's sometimes jealousy and resentment from the older generations who may well have benefited from having a work life too, but felt pressurised to stay at home because that was the norm for previous generations.

Thank you. I do feel that I "know" I will be ok (and more importantly, DD) but that its just anxiety about missing out.

I think I should have taken 9 months off. These last 3 months are completely unpaid too so am broke!

An added worry is that some of my mum friends who have gone back to work are saying that their children dont sleep very well at nursery and are then cranky and over tired on their days off with them. Will see how it all goes.

My friends DS fell to sleep whilst she was giving him a bath (and he is 11 months!) after a day at nursery.

However, positive thoughts positive thoughts ...!

Pamelat, just checked back to see how you got on with your thread and wanted to say that they do get tired at nursery - so much going on, which is also good! - but the great thing is that you can balance this out when you have your days together, just gauging their mood and picking things to do accordingly.