FT mums-- need some positive thinking please!

[knittingmama]

So, I am still feeling terribly guilty about my decision to accept a FT post. I'm pregnant (another issue-- terrified of what they'll say when they find out!) so it will only be until June, but in the meantime that is 6 or 7 months of my DD's daily life that I will be missing out on. She turns 2 in March. I keep trying to think positively, that in the long run it will be a good thing. My current job is turning intolerable, so this move will be good for me. But I feel like I'm going to lose all the special times we have... music class, toddler group, painting in the kitchen, walks, being lazy and cuddly! Weekends with dad just aren't the same! And the worst feeling of all- that the last months of 'one on one' time without a new baby will be lost! Please, oh please, send some positive words my way.... So depressed...

Do you have to work?
If not, don't.

I am a full-time-mum and I think these early years spent at home with the children are so valuable. In a blink they will be heading off to school. If you can afford to, stay at home then think seriously about it. I stayed at home from the birth of my dd2. My biggest regret is not being there for dd1. I feel I failed her. Financially we can't afford luxuries but we get by. These years never can be repeated. Your dd will enjoy time spent with her before the new arrival comes along. But do what is best for you and your family and whatever you are at peace with. All the best.

Concepta, this is a going back to work thread, why don't you take your ridiculous propoganda someplace else!

Are you sure you 2 can't dig deeper and make the OP feel even more guilty?

You can make the most of the time you do have together. DS and I are always up early, we have a good play before he goes to nursery. He loves nursery, half the time when I pick him up and ask him if we should go home he says "no"! We come home and play, do some painting, have a splashy bath, nice cuddles and bed. He is 18 months BTW. It's not ideal but it's not that bad!

Just what I was thinking Libra and sawm

Dont feel guilty.You sound like a lovely mum am sure your dd will be fine

I went back to work in March when ds was 10 months. I do miss him, but he loves going to his childminder and playing with her, her family (husband and children aged 7 to adult) and other mindees. Until it got too dark at the end of October, dp and I took him to the park every day after work, too, and he liked that - I don't know what hours you'll be doing but we get quite a bit of playing time in the morning. You will have weekends and presumably some annual leave and bank holiday times.

We try to find fun things to do - usually dp, ds and myself, each weekend, and usually his grandad comes round once and the weekend and once after work as well.

I'm also going to be on maternity leave again from January, and I hope to take ds for a couple of afternoons out before his new sibling arrives.

Sorry - I didn't mean to cause any offence.

I've worked practically all of my kids' lives, and it's never really been a problem.

I have a nice cup of tea in the bed in the morning with my kids, and we hang out a bit and chat about things. Then we get dressed and have breakfast together before I leave at 7.45am. Sometimes I do a bit of music practice with them and then leave, or find errant bits of uniform for them, things like that.

I get home quite late but in time to have dinner with them quite frequently. In the summer we might sit in the garden after dinner, in the winter we play on the Wii a bit or something like that.

I put them to bed and try to calm the house down by 8.30 so it's adult time.

I try to work from home on Fridays because then I can take them to and from school occasionally.

I know what you mean. I went back when DS was 6 months old because we can't survive financially otherwise. Those who "can't afford luxuries but get by" make me very envious. I can't afford luxuries and I barely get by but I don't even get to be at home . Don't be made to feel guilty for doing what you have to do.

FWIW, I began to enjoy work more after 6 months back. I am fortunate that I can leave DS with my DP but I think a good childminder or nursery can be an excellent option. Security and familiarity are what is important.

I find that work allows me "me" time even when it isn't strictly relaxing! I am tired when i get home but I relish every moment with my son.

Things that might help you could be cosleeping, that thing where you squash all your hours into less days so you've more time at home (compacted hours? Sorry, my brain is addled tonight), and if you can nip home at lunchtimes that's a lifesaver (and saves a lot of expressing at work if you BF).

The thing is, you don't see how you can possibly cope, but smehow you do. I'd be lying if I said there were never days I just want to scoop up my little one and lock ourselves in for the day but on the whole it does work, whatever you find yourself having to do.

I've worked full time (on silly shifts as well) since ds was 8 months old. I do miss him of course, but he gets so much out of his time away from me, he gets to mix with other children. My childminder usually has about 7 or 8 children between 6 months and 3 and they have so much fun. It's been really good for his confidence and he's really doing well. He learnt to crawl a week after he started going there, and he was walking about three weeks later. I'm sure he was extra stimulated by all the other children.

I really value my days off with ds (I work compressed hours so do have some days off in the week) much much more than before as I know I've only got one or two days with just the two of us, so we go swimming, go to Monkey Music and have lots of fun.

Is there a way you can work 4 days a week so you can have one day with just you and dd to look forward to? I really love my days with ds, we play silly games all day. I have a rule of no housework (apart from clearing up lunch stuff etc) and even if it's raining we'll go to a soft play area or something.

I've only got the one, so I can't comment on what it'll be like with a new baby (congrats btw ) but I imagine certainly in the early days when the baby sleeps you'll get quite a bit of time with your dd. My sister used to read stories with her dd1 while bfing her dd2, or she'd get dd1 to draw her a picture and they had lovely quiet times when she was feeding. My sister would just get comfy and her dd1 would bring her toys/books/crayons and they'd settle down for half an hour of quality time during a feed.

As someone said to me once, don't feel guilty for the choices you've made. You're working to provide extra money for the family which will presumably be to provide for your children and that's something to be proud of. I hope it all goes well

Compressed, that's the word!

I work FT - dd was 5 weeks old when I returned to work.

I do not feel guilty despite the fact that I have to work away about 5 days a month. I am providing a roof over their head, food in their stomachs, love, fun. I take time to sit with them and read, we go out and do family things.

It annoys me that mothers are made to feel guilty about returning to work, when if a father did the same he would be labeled "responsible" "loving" "good".

Yes in an ideal world I would love to peel the grapes that my child popped into their mouth, but that is not practical. My Dh who works more flexible hours gets those bits.

knittingmamma, are you going back full time to get better maternity leave? How much time will you then have off?

Sounds like FT is not for long anyway then your be off.

I am PT and it works well for me, I did consider staying FT until I got pregnant again, then with 2 going PT, but things changed and PT was the right thing for us.

Nothings forever, if it doesn't work out, go for plan b!

I can't stand that term 'full time mum'. It implies anyone working must be a part time mum - plainly untrue. Anyway, I digress. Like Anafrangipani (Sp?) it annoys me that only mothers are made to feel guilty about working. If being a SAHM is good for you then do it. If being a WOHM is good for you (whether for personal or just to keep a roof over your head type reasons) then do it. Your child will most likely be fine if you are happy and find good childcare. My DD went to nursery from 9 months and now aged 3 is happy, confident and sociable. I found a nursery I loved and trusted and that was the key. I had days of feeling guilty but in retospect I dont think its harmed her at all. I presume you are woking PT at the moment so she will just be doing more days with the same nursery or CM? In which case she may barely notice.

If its anyhelp I found being pregnant with a toddler such hard work towards the end that the one-on -one time didnt happen. I could barely put my boots on let alone chase a two year old!

The main thing is that mums are happy, then children are happy. Some people go nuts at home, some people like it. Some people like to go out to work, some people find it too stressful. It's up to individual families.

I do think that now so many families live far apart from relatives who could help them, making childcare completely free would help though, so both SAHM and working mums could both use it as much or as little as they needed, and the children could be a bit better socialised. But I admit this is a bit communist and idealistic as a notion.

I worked full time until my youngest went to school. I had to, we couldn't have afforded the mortgage otherwise (had free childcare). As soon as our finances were in better shape I cut down my hours so I work only when the children were in school, I nearly had a breakdown with stress trying to work full-time with two DC's so I have nothing but respect and admiration for those who can manage both. Everyone is different.

I like your idea Boffinmum, it could help dads as well, as if childcare was better state funded or subsidised (obviously people who work caring for children would need an income too), it would make it easier to afford such flexibility as shorter hours.

Compressed hours is popular with a lot of people at work, but it wouldn't work for me as I would see even less of DS 4 days a week.

Yes, elkiedee, if we could afford to provide free childcare for everyone in WW2, to allow people to help towards the war effort, then it surely can't be such a pipe dream now?

Let's get some t-shirts done and start a campaign!

I work full time and have 2 dc who are still v. young (6 & 2). It is not an option because I am now a single mum but even before it was not an option because I was the breadwinner.

Sometimes I wish it were different and sometimes it's very hard because you are so torn and tired.
I have days when I feel like a lionness, strong and providing for my brood in many different ways and being a professional person.
I have days when I just want to hold my head in my hands and scream and cry because I don't feel like I am doing any of it properly.
Most days though I just get on with it all and try not to be too hard on myself and just enjoy every day for what it is.

You just cannot allow yourself to feel guilty or anyone else to make you feel guilty about it as it will just make you feel miserable and a miserable Mummy is just no use to your dc. Going out to work everyday gives you the chance to be Knittingmama as well as Mummy. It certainly helps to keep me sane.

And your dc well they will love you just as much. As someone else said they will benefit from mixing with other children and adults and learn from them in ways that maybe you haven't thought of. I mean they could get sick of the sight of you if you were on their case 24/7 ()
You will not miss your dd's milestones or any of her development believe me.

Do what you have to do and do it with a smile on your face

Hear hear citronella.

Oh wow, I've been offline for a few days and am so happy that there have been many positive responses. I think the reason I feel guilty is because we are doing fine with me working PT- this job opportunity is solely for me and my career. When I took my current job it was meant to be a stepping stone- it wasn't quite what I trained to do. The job I am taking is the job I was aiming for when I spent hundreds of pounds on an MA 3 years ago. So, in a roundabout way, it is for financial reasons- if I kept on going in my current job, my training would slowly start to become outdated and eventually it might mean I wasted lots of money on schooling.

I think if I feel down after I start I'll pull up some of your posts to keep me going!

You are all right- I shouldn't feel guilty at all. DD will spend 3 days with her lovely childminder, whom she loves and adores- only one more day than she has with her now. The other two days will hopefully be with her grandmother... who up until now has lived quite far away. It will be a nice chance for the two of them to spend time together.

I will be strong, we'll all survive, and who knows- it could be exactly what I need with DD going into the 'terrible 2's' and me being pregnant... Sometimes it's less tiring to go to work than to run after a toddler!

Oh, also, thanks for the realistic view of life with two- I forgot how much little ones sleep and how much time I'll still have with my DD!

We could have survived if I went PT - but I knew that it wouldn't be a good choice for a whole host of reasons, and I love my job.

DS adores it at nursery, and has to be dragged out of there, so it would be hard to feel guilty about his varied life there with his friends.

So, both parents working ft works out fine for us.

I'm sure everything will work out well. It sounds like you have a lovely balance for your little one with time at the childminders and with a grandparent. One thing to consider is getting a cleaner. For the last year I've had a lovely lady cleaning for 3 hours a week. It's made a massive difference to me in giving me extra time and is well worth the money.