PLEASE help! Need to decide by Monday am- offered FT job, pregnant- agonising over this!

[knittingmama]

Please, I need mumsnet sage wisdom to help me make a really difficult decision.

Background info: I currently work 2 days a week in a very family friendly organisation; since returning from mat leave I haven't enjoyed the work itself at all. I have a 20 month old and one on the way.

I've been offered my dream job- in my field (museums) the jobs are very hard to come by, so it may be another 5 years or more before I have a shot at something similiar. I don't know how family friendly it is, although it is run by the city council so they have to be fair.

The issues are: 1.) It's full time, and they won't accept anything less at this point; and 2.) I found out I was pregnant the same week I got the letter to interview. (Took them 2 months to shortlist- probably 200+ applicants!)

Childcare would be taken care of, so that's not an issue. I just can't decide if I could handle a new, full time job, being pregnant- and with management responsibilities I worry that I couldn't establish myself enough before having to leave. Also, one of the other applicants was an assistant who acted up in absence of previous person, so I'd be managing her. They don't know I am pregnant- not sure if I should be honest with them about this right away, to gauge their reaction... legally they can't take the job offer back. I could just stay where I am, put up with it for another 8 mos (provided I don't miscarry, fingers crossed- it's VERY early days) and worry about careers later... Life is good right now, outside of work! I am torn exactly in half over this.

What would you do?

i wouldn't take it - would try negoiating with them - they may be happy with putting in mat cover and you could always frame it in the big picture.

but as i said i wouldn't personally.

What I would do is take the job, the words '5 years to get a shot at something similar' and 'dream job' leapt out at me.

You beat 200 people to this job, sounds like it's meant for you. Sure, it will be hard - only you can remember what your pregnancy was like last time. And as you say, its local authority so they are supposed to support you.

What's the worst thing that could happen if you took it? bitchy assistant? people sniffy cos you're preggers?

And the best thing - you get what you always wanted.

IME it's the opportunities you pass up are the ones you regret, not the ones you fuck up.

I was in a similar situation recently. I was only working 2 days a week as a reliever in a job I loved. They asked me to go permanent the same week I discovered I was pregnant. I was honest with them and didn't go for the permanent position even though I would have loved it. I am really glad I made that decision as I was very, very, very sick and have had to take numerous weeks off work and now am only working one of my days. I can take regular breaks as they know how sick I have been etc. They have also been lovely by saying that when I am ready after the baby that the first permanent job that comes up will be offered to me again. I think a family friendly situation is so worth hanging onto when pregnant. I am also a firm believer that the right thing will happen in the end so if you are meant to get that dream job it will reappear at the right time for you next time.

How will this affect your maternity benefits? Will you get the same amount of maternity leave / pay if you start the job already pg? Luckily for me I started my job on a Monday and my pregnancy dates started the following Saturday. I had to adjust my LMP dates slightly or I'd have gotten no maternity pay and only a short amount of leave. Obviously if you're a few weeks pg, this won't be possible.

Re the job, if the above isn't an issue, I'd probably take it. If it's your dream job, and you're fairly sure you'll go back after the birth, then go for it.

Because I don't start for another month I can't play with my dates and get away with it. So, I won't get SMP, but can apply for MA. I'm not too worried about the maternity benefits, as I'm only 2 days now and we're surviving... I think I'd be willing to go back earlier this time around if I had to (with bags under my eyes- I have no realistic idea of how it is with 2 kids).

yawningmonster, I'm worried about the same thing. Right now I feel fine, and was fine with my DD but I had terrible coccyx pain last time and still have it now... so could potentially be a problem as preg progressses! Hmmmmm.....

Lauriefairycake- yeah, my last job had this many applicants- because its education-related there are so many people to go up against. It is a dream job, but the place isn't as family friendly. Boss seems nice but it's definitely going to be far stuffier than my current post!

Oh I am so torn! Life is so easy right now...

Is there a probation period?

Only a friend of mine started her new job and then found out she was pg. Not exactly planned so she was nearly 2 months gone. As I recall, she was let go at the end of her probation period, which co-incided with her going off on mat leave.

Sorry if this doens't apply in this case. Just want to add this in cse...

I wouldn't tell them - it's early days and none of their business. They offered you the job and you have no obligation to tell them your private matters. If it is your dream job you should take it and make the changes when you're in the job to accomodate your pregnancy, which is part of life and nothing to feel guilty or awkward about. Just think, if you were a man and your wife was pregnant, you'd definitely take the job without question. I know it's different for a woman because you will have the physical and mental stresses to deal with yourself, but as a public employer they should bend over backwards to help you cope and if your boss forgets this is their responsibility, remind them. You were great enough to get the job so I'd say go for it girl and stay strong once you're in there, making it part-time or flexible working or whatever it takes to give you the right work/life balance. Good luck!

I was in this position, though with my first baby.

I took the job (a very competetive training post), and don't regret it at all.

It was hard starting a new job while pregnant - my mind wasn't always on the job, I was tired and sick - but the organisation was accepting, my line manager was totally supportive and I went back after DS was born (3 days), and am now expecting DC#2. I will go back again when this one is born.

Great opportunities are thin on the ground. Pregnancy is a wonderful part of life, but a short part. You are not doing your new employer any disservice, so your decision should be about how you see your life going from here!

Mumsnet is amazing. I feel so much better after reading all these posts- really leaning towards taking the job, not telling them a damn thing about the pregnancy until I have to, and not looking back. Thank you everyone! CaptainKarvol- when did you tell them about your pregnancy (the 1st one)?

Hi KM, I told them very early.

It's a bit complicated because I accepted my job with a 6-months deferred start-date and got pg while still in my old job (even worse in a way, got pg while on a promise to come and work for them!)

I didn't tell them before starting, but they got told within a couple of weeks of my being there. I was about 9-10 weeks IIRC.

No regrets here, and no resentment from management or colleagues. I hope you have a good experience, whatever you decide to do.

That is exactly where I will be when I start-about 10 weeks. I think I'll keep quiet for now, then tell them at 12 weeks if all goes well. It also depends on how much I show- this is my second and I already have a pouch so it might pop early... I went out this afternoon to return something at Next and was looking for styles that would disguise my belly in case I do pop before 12 wks!

In this case they didn't interview until 2 months after the job was advertised, so maybe they'll be understanding. I hope so... don't know much about the staff!

They have to be understanding. And you'll be much more aware of your bump than they would be. I thought it was blatantly obvious when I was five months gone and trying to hide it from someone I needed a short-term contract from but afterwards it turned out they didn't have a clue. They were very understanding and happy for me too, so don't think the worst. I really hope it works out for you - if you can't expect a long-term view from the museum sector, there's no justice in the world!

Good point about the long term view thing, pinkdelight!

I'm still struggling with the decision of 'to tell or not to tell'- part of me wants to be honest and up front, to lay my cards out on the table. Would I be crazy to do so? DH works in employment law and although he says legally I have all the rights in the world, he can see the merit in being honest about the situation. It's like when you're lying and you can't relax- I don't want to start the job in a state of paranoia and feeling terribly guilty about the whole thing.

13 hours to go until tomorrow... thanks everyone this is really helping!

I have recently posted a very similar question. I am on mat leave and before I went I asked for a bigger job in order for partner to give up work, me work full time and him look after kids.

Well the big job in the business I wanted came up and I applied. At the same time a role came up that was a smaller step up in another business I love.

I was torn. TBH I knew what I really wanted. I pulled from the really big job and went for the one that was a small step up and asked for 4 days. All this while I am on mat leave.

I think it really depends on what you really want and what the risks are.

I really did not want to be the one working all the hours in the big career job (although 5 years ago I would have bitten thier hand off!). I did want a challenging role though and I did not want to work full time.

Ultimately going for the really big role compromised what I wanted with my family too much.

You are not working full time now so what made you decide that now?

Do you think you want to work part time when you have 2 and what would be the worst case scenario?

Do you think you can do the new role part time?

Bear in mind that they have to consider your request but may have good reasons to turn it down.

You can start the role knowing what you want to do and work it appropriately

Take it take it take it....

people get pregnant all the time...

the council will cope...

(I do not want to be horrible but as you say its early days in your pregnancy at the moment and as all parents know...we have no guarantees only a leap of faith...I hope this doesn't upset you in any way, I only meant for you to consider every eventuality)

oh FHS sorry...I meant "Every POSSIBILITY" please forgive me

Last night I had a breakdown, cried for hours and decided that I just couldn't bear to work full time AND start a job knowing that I'm pregnant... if I weren't preg I could've dealt with working FT for a year, getting pregnant a few months in after getting to know people and my role. I also got some inside info from a friend who has done some work for the organisation and she seemed to think it was an unfriendly place. SO the combination of all these factors just made me think twice about everything. RuthT- you hit on some good questions. I asked myself 'what the hell am I doing here?'- I chose part time work in the first place for a reason. My DD is only young once and when I am on my deathbed I am not going to regret not going into the office more- I will regret not spending more time with my family. And I don't think the job could be done part-time after I get back from maternity leave.

Anyway all that being said, I was going to call the person who offered me the job this morning and simply say "I would LOVE this job, it's my dream job, but I have just found out I am pregnant and feel I would be letting you down by going off on leave in 8 mos"... and see if she is willing to negotiate anything with me. If not, well then I don't really want to work there. Am I being foolish?

She's not in until after 10:30. GRUMBLE.

Aaarrgghhh! Just rang and she's not in until noon! Again cried all morning with the decision to NOT take it-- but then decided to say yes, and felt the depression lift. I think it's the pregnancy hormones!!

Have decided not to say anything about pregnancy. Will accept job offer, and possibly tell them sooner rather than later so they can plan for mat cover.

If I write another post with a different decision in the next 24 hours someone smack me!

OK, it's official, I have accepted the job!

And I haven't mentioned anything about the pregnancy.

Thought- I can always quit if it's horrible but I'll never get the opportunity back if I turn it down. Skimming through jobs online really helped too!

Thanks everyone for giving me support/strength/advice!

KM, what a stressful time you have been going through.

FWIW, I totally agree with your last thought there - 'I can always quit if it's horrible, but I'll never get the opportunity back if I turn it down'.

That sounds like it came from the heart!

Good luck!

Wow, what a rollercoaster! But well done! I know exactly what you mean about the deathbed situation, but the way you talk about your kids, there's no way you're going to lose out on their childhoods due to work. You're going into this with your eyes wide open and are prepared for the worst - like you say, if it's too much you can quit. But it could be - and should be - much better than that and you could have the best of both worlds, a career and kids. Like they say, you only regret the things you haven't done. Hope it all turns out brilliantly for you!