Been back to work for 12 1/2 days - complete rant!

[gosh2]

I went back to work over 2 weeks ago, at the end of the first week, nursery phoned me to say DD was "ill"! So I picked her up. She was hot, it was hot in the nursery and she was tired, by the time I got her home she had fallen asleep in the car and had cooled down. Not so ill then.

The second week, there was a burst pipe and DD had to be at home with me. Try sending emails with a 5 month old screeching, so worked in the evening.

This week,it was the turn of DS to just about sabotage my career. Monday vomited, but nursery didnt call me. Today (Wed) took him in, and he was like a limp lettuce. Dropped him off, worked like mad all morning (knowing he would need me to get him). Phoned nursery to see how he was and said I would go and get him.

I am now at home with him and his sore tummy thinking, how much more can I take?!! DH cannot take time off, he is on call. I work in the computer industry (very male).

Either I am getting paranoid or I am thinking I will be next for the chop, when the next lot of redundancies come around. The thing is that when I have to look after the children I make up the work, doing what I had to have done that day in the evening. Even though in between the washing machine, the dryer the ironing, the sterilising of bottles, making of meals, I dont have much time in the evenings. So it is a bit of a sacrafice.

Anyhow just wondered how many others panic and think , this is so out of my control. I think it is so unfair, but is it me making it unfair? Would it not be better to work P/T?

I have tried to discuss this option with DH but he won't hear of it, he has said that if I work P/T I may as well leave as they won't take me seriously. I have worked so hard to get to where I have that I know part of that is true, but the higher up the more pressure and the more work is required.

I just think I feel pulled in all directions, and all for the children or work. Not for myself anymore. Oh God sorry everyone! just had to think it out in an email.

gosh 2, no wonder you feel stretched in all directions at once. Do keep talking to your dh about this - don't let him think you are coping just because you get through the days somehow. Keep telling him how much of a jugglng act it is so he never forgets to help you as much as he can.

You both sound like busy people and you say that cutting your hours is not financially possible. This is one suggestion that might ease your stress level: Can you find a nearby helper/babysitter available during the day (student, retired person) who is willing to do the odd emergency nursery pickup or dentist appointment for instance? Not an easy person to find, and you would need excellent references, but it might be worth advertising?

I am at home working this afternoon, as DH did the morning. My boss has obviously had a talking to from someone, as he has been absolutely fine about me not being in the office. (Not that we are really office based, they give us laptops so we can work from wherever, but when you have a sick child you cannot attend meetings). Anyhow he is just a changed man on the phone.

I feel different today, back in control, but this is because the 2 men in my life, DH and boss are both being "human" about it all. Working at home during a crisis is always given at my boss's discretion. I wonder if his wife spoke to him, she has 3 children from a previous marriage (they are late teens now).

I know it won't always be like this. I liked the idea of advertising for a fall back position. I dont really want to use the au pair, for lots of reasons, the charge by the hour thing being the main one, I think the cash is her main drive rather than the children (sadly). But yes I will talk to DH about advertising for such a person, perhaps an older mother, or I mean a mother who has older children?

I don't know whether I can give up F/T as my DH and I like the good life too much and the good life means big bills. We tend to go mad at w/e to make up for not seeing each other and the children. Pathetic I know.

Gosh2, think very hard before you go p/t. In my experience and that of my friends who also work p/t, basically by going for this option, you seem to be saying "OK, I want to work, but I am putting my career completely on hold until I can work full time again".
It is a huge compromise to make and in some jobs p/t is really not a viable option.
I am very lucky in that p/t really suits me at the moment. I simply haven't got enough energy to devote to a full time position right now and I know I couldn't handle the stress.
I'm glad you are feeling better about things and I hope that your boss & DH will continue to recognise the limitations to your phenomenal workload!!

That first line really should have read, is "think very hard should you ever be considering working p/t more seriously"

gosh2 - I have been thinking about you today and am pleased to hear you are sounding less stressed and more positive. Good news that dh and the boss seem to be more understanding.
You haven't been back at work that long so hopefully this is all part of the process of settling into a new routine. Good luck and may it continue.

Have you thought about working going 4 days a week
That way you have nearly a full salary but one extra day to attend to family commitments/have a breather from the office?
I work 4 days and it suits me very well, and as I am in the office most of the time people don't really see me as part time, if you know what I mean.
Have been promoted twice since coming back from mat. leave too, so don't think it has hampered my career!

I find working full time much easier - I started working 2 days when ds was 18 months old and he always seems to be ill on my working days and then recover on the days I was at home anyway! Since his childcare was a very popular nursery I had no flexibility about changing his days and so lost week after week of time at work, because my "week" was only 2 days. Now at least if I lose a couple of days a week I can still get in for some of the time.

I think generally full-time work is better - I used to feel I was getting the worst of all worlds as a part-timer - all the hassle of both roles without being able to really devote myself to either. Much happier now, but it doesn't suit everyone.

Hi Gosh2, just wanted to add my voice to this one. I agree with Azure that getting a Nanny may be a help, they are more flexible on hours and can look after sick children (although if my son is really sick I would go home - but I have not had to do that on many occasions). Trouble is, they are more expensive than nurserys, but I do think it may be less stress for you.

Hope things are getting a bit better for you.

I have considered the 4 day week option, and think about it more all of the time. I may give it a few more months and see how it all goes.

As for the nanny business, it is just not an option. DH and I really like nursery, and would not entertain the idea of a nanny looking after them. People often believe nanny is the more expensive option when infact it is cheaper than 2 F/T at nursery. But I feel I cannot have one woman - same as a childminder looking after them when we are not around. I like the idea of them being in nursery with lots of children and other adults around. Less chance of them being abused, that is my biggest fear. And what if nanny or childminder have a car accident - with one of my babies in the car, how could I ever forgive myself. I just like the fact that I drop them off at nursery knowing they stay there until I pick them up. I am perhaps too protective of them, I know I need to loosen up, but I worry about them all of the time.

I hope I haven't upset anyone. The nanny option is just not for me. The social side of nursery is useful, the meeting other mums who work etc, there is such a plus side of it. The staff being so friendly and so concerned about the children, I just prefer it.

Fair enough. It is not for everyone and you do have to be very careful to get the right person.

I went back to work 3 days initially, then 4 days - and the 4 day option was good for me. It gave me the flexibility within the week for me to catchup with children things but also allowed me to do my job. In addition I could swap my "day off" when I needed to which made things easier at work.

Trouble is, if you do negotiate part-time, make sure they reduce your workload, because otherwise you will find you are expected to do a full-time job (and often even more than that) in less days, which adds more pressure for less cash! Make sure that whatever they give you is realistic.

(Trouble is, I had to change jobs for various reasons and couldn't find another one offering 4 days, so I am back to full time - until I have this next baby! Moral being you have more negotiating power with your existing employer!)

LJay what you say is interesting. Where I work you are given something to do and provided you get it done by that date no one bats an eyelid. But I hadnt thought of the workload issue. Of course it would just mean one day less to do it.

Anyhow, I am thinking 4 days could be good for "me", do the grocery shopping, get cooking done, catch up with my things, and perhaps do children things with other friends who dont work, then I am guessing, but are you more relaxed when it is the weekend? I think it sounds ideal. Then family time does not mean me having to leave them to do grocery shopping.

I know you will all tell me to do online shopping. But honestly I never get a slot to suit me! I leave it so late, so disorganised.

Gosh2, I certainly felt 4 days a week made me much less stressed at weekends. Not just shopping, but general washing / ironing / getting ready for work chores etc. Also being able to shop for things when shops are less crowded and therefore not having to battle my way round at weekends. (Although I do get my food shopping delivered - but only because getting to the supermarket with small child is such a nightmare, even if dh comes along).

Plus, as you say, I used to catch up with some friends with children which was great.

Working full time takes a lot more energy and organisation and I would much rather go back to even a 4 day week.

(By the way - my tip on getting a shopping slot to suit you is find a shopping site that allows you to change your order up to the day before delivery, that way I can order "bulk" items and reserve a delivery slot during the week and then add or delete stuff nearer the day of delivery (as long as I remember). It does get some getting used to though and not all shops do this, Tesco don't - for example.)

FWIW I am nowadays working 4 days of 9 hours now (ok, I'm on maternity leave now), which is nearly fulltime (as fulltime in our company is 38 hrs) and still gives me time to spend with the children. I am even allowed to work at home 1 day a week. I used to work 3 days / week but got so bored as I am not really the domestic type. DH has decided he wants to do the parttime thing, which will save a lot of nursery costs. He has a lot more patience to do things with the kids & actually enjoys having coffee with the neighbours. Since I made more money than he did to begin with the choice was an easy one.

Then again, I can relate to you, Gosh2. The first year after dd was born it all came down to me, as dh couldn't take any time off and dd was ill every 2 weeks. It seemed all I was there for at home was to cook meals & do the laundry (& have sex of course). By the time dd was 1,5 I was ready to leave, but luckily things went better after that. Good luck, Gosh2 and all others experiencing the same. Things will get easier after a while.

I know that things will get easier I just wonder when!

DS is now well again. DH was ill all w/e so had no help with children. Today am completely worn out, DD woke up in the night as she had such horrendous nappies and needed changing. DS came into our room at 6!!!!!!! DH still ill - I don't need to tell you all how "ill" men are. Anyhow dealt with all the breakfasts then discovered DD has a discharge in her eyes. Being as paranoid as I am - is this conjunctivitis? Consulted Miriam, then phoned Boots pharmacy - the guy there said no it sounded more like blocked tear ducts. Then to make things worse she has been so grumpy all day, crying - that moaning cry and at times high pitched pain cry. Or else sleeping. It takes about 40 mins to get her to take a bottle, havent even attempted any pureed foods today. It is all such an effort. Nappies horrendous.

So I have left her with DH who is feeling "a little" better. ! To have a moan on here about how rubbish I think my life is.

Now I am convinced I will need to be working from home this week in order to look after her. Oh well just over 1 hour til bathtime, then I am off to bed. Hopefully tomorrow I will wake up and my family will be healthy!

You'll never guess what now, it IS conjunctivitis. Hurrah!! How many days do I need to take off now to be with her? DH is off at the chemist at the moment getting the ointment.

Will this ever end?........