DH to be 'house-husband' - any experiences

[Salme101]

I am in the extremely fortunate position of being able to go back to work next spring and have DH take over from me in full-time care of DS. We can (just) manage this financially, and the intention is for DH to take a career break for a couple of years - his employer normally allows a year at a time, and as he's not a high-flyer we have worked out that he can always resign if his request is refused.

I just wondered if anyone has any experiences they could share with me of making the switch from one full-time parent to another? Or any experiences of DHs/DPs getting back into work after a spell at home with the kids? If the career break option doesn't work out, I can unfortunately imagine future employers being a bit lacklustre about DH - I'd like to think things have changed, but suspect a 40-year-old male admin-grade returner is likely to be treated with some suspicion.

Many thanks in advance.

Dp stayed at home with the girls and has then re-trained as a college lecturer/assessor; he is now 40 and went back to work part-time about four years ago. Tbh he does work in quite a female-dominant field though so I don't know if that made any difference to his return prospects.

Hands up to your dh for doing this though; dp was a bit of a talking point when he started doing SAHD 13 years ago but I think things have changed a lot since then.

Dp is almost a SAHP has reduced his hours and workd from home and I am the major breadwinner. He really likes it and because he is still working he has not sacrificed his career. Our family life is so much better.

I am a full time SAHD. It was clearly the best arrangement for me and DW as she earned more, worked closer to home than my job, enjoyed her job more and had better long term prospects - so the decision was easy to take.

The approach we have taken on work is that I have set up a small business running from home. At the moment it is very small (i.e. earning about £100-£200 per month) as my children are aged 4 and 2 and are very demanding. The intention is that as they need less parenting time I will increase time working on the business so I can still work from home while giving full support to DW and the DCs.

Having had a complete break from my previous career path (public sector and charity sector administration) I suspect it would be difficult to get back in, especially at the grade I was previously on. If your plan is to go back it is best if you can somehow keep your foot in the door. I know people who have done this by taking a sabbatical, by working as a consultant on occasional projects for their previous employer, and by working a day here and a day there as cover for their previous company but only doing about 2 weeks work over a year.

If you are thinking about taking a couple of years out it might be best to plan what he hopes to do when he goes back to work. Maybe use the time to do some extra study, e.g. Open University, to show the time wasn't all changing nappies and mushing up carrots. Taking on anything extra while looking after children full time is hard work, but it can be done. Otherwise, anything that can be fitted in as a consultancy basis (I have done some data analysis work for local government while looking after my kids - fitting in a bit here and there while they are watching CBeebies or taking a nap).

Other than that there are specific issues about being a SAHD, but as you havn't asked about those I won't extend my post to cover them. If you are interested please say and I will put down some of my experiences which I hope will be helpful.

ooh - i'll be watching this thread, as we're about to do exactly this in 4 weeks time, when DD will be nearly 12 months. the plan for us is also that DH will be setting up his own business, which he's always wanted to do

Just be advised that, if you should ever split up, it will be much much harder for you to get residence of DS.

This to me is the biggest issue (and I speak as a WOHM of three DSs married to a long-term SAHD).

So just think it through very carefully. Forewarned is forearmed.

Pinata - all the best to you and your husband, but don't underestimate the demands that looking after a little one and running your own business can place on you. And if you have more children down the line the workload only increases... If you are seeing setting up a business as a long term plan, and using the few scraps of spare time left after doing the childcare in the early years as time to start the business and later years as the time for it to prosper then go for it. But I know my own business output has been strongly determined by the developmental stages of my own kids!

SixSpotBonfire - do you really think a couple should decide on how it is best to provide for the children and care for them on the basis of who will see the child most if the family breaks up?

I wouldn't have thought that this was the biggest factor. For us it was that my wife earned more, worked closer to home and enojyed her work more. Speaking to other SAHDs this was also the main factor.

Would you be comfortable if a Mum said that although she had more earning power to take care of the family that she decided to seriously limit the family income and have hubby back at work, just in case the marriage broke up in the future?

We did it because DH was so stressed at work he was near to a nervous breakdown. It was the best decision we ever made. He has recently gone back to work (Research Science) after a 5 year break. He made sure he kept his skills up to date, going to lectures every month or so via his professional association. We found when it came to going back to work, we needed to be careful how it was phrased on applications, but in the end, his years as a SAHD were looked on favourably, it made him stand out from other applicants.

I think it is good for men to take on some of the nitty gritty full on childcaring duties, it makes them appreciate just how hard going it can be at times.

Permanentvacation - please do give some insight into being a SAHD ito what it's like, issues, challenges, rewards etc. We're planning to do this in due course so I'd be interested.

I also entirely agree with you on the fact that deciding who looks after children based on a parent's desire to keep custody in case of a break up is not the way forward. Someone said this to me a few months ago on another forum (sixspot?) and I did find it a little . It seemed a bit ridiculous and it felt to me like a complete negation of the world we now live in whereby women are not automatically carers and men are not automatically breadwinners.

My experience as a SAHD has been over the last four and a half years, with my DD being 4 and a half and DS being 3 this month.

The good bits:

• Spending time with your children and seeing them grow up.
• Believe it or not, a lot of people respect you if the man looks after the children and the woman earns the money.
• Making a real fuss of my wife to show my appreciation of the sacrifices she has had to make (of which more in the 'bad bits' section below).
• By switching traditional gender roles I think we have ended up with a good balance. I know and understand the pressures my wife faces at work as I was in a similar(ish) role before being a SAHD. Also, DW is keen to be involved with the children, helping get them up in the morning, putting them to bed, coming home for lunch when work commitments allow, etc. She won't allow me to close her out of the children's life, and I need her to help me out - we can't settle into a strict division where one earns the money and the other looks after the children.
• This may just be me, or a more general man thing, but I think I am a little bit more objective about my children than some of my mum friends. If my daughter has a tantrum at me I don't go into emotional trauma about her rejecting me or how I may have somehow scarred her for life!

Bad bits:

• DW sometimes feels that she is missing out on seeing the children due to full time work. She also feels the pressure at work more acutely because she knows the rest of the family depends on her earning a crust.
• Bringing up small children can be isolating and lonely. You are in a paradoxical situation of having little time to yourself (whenever I try to find a bit of quiet 'me' time one of the children comes in and makes their demands), but also having little time for genuine adult company.
• What adult company you do have is often your other half, and if they are knackered from a hard day at work they may not have the energy to fulfil your social needs
• Sometimes as a man in a traditionally female role you can wonder whether your gender is a factor in some ares, e.g. if you go to a P&T group and people don't talk to you, or if you think you and your child aren't being invited round to see others as much as the mums and their children seem to be. Usually I dismiss this as paranoia, and recognise that most people have these thoughts, but being a man gives you an extra angle to fret about!
• It can be as hard for a man to cope with not being the breadwinner as it is for the woman not being the main childcarer. I think men can want to provide for their family, and not being able to contribute significantly to the family budget can be an issue. You just have to keep telling yourself that you are contributing, and to see you and your partner as a team where you can't both do everything but together you can achieve so much more for the family.
• If you have a second child and the man stays in his carer role you end up with just maternity pay to support the family. We made sure we planned as much as we could between DC1 and DC2 to ensure we stayed out of the red while DW was on half pay. But it was tight!
• My education hadn't prepared me for the job! I can do 3rd order differential equations and hold forth on the philosophy of religion, but up to a few years back I was hopeless at cooking and laundry. While it has been fun learning, I have destroyed a few items of clothing (usually the more expensive ones in DWs wardrobe) in the trial and error of working it out.

Some issues:

• make sure that you and your partner get some quality time together. It is very easy to slip into collapsing in front of the TV at 8pm once the DC is in bed, and sometimes that is what you need to do, but if it happens night after night it will drive you mad and also start to affect your relationship.
• recognise that it will be like starting a new job for your partner and help him through the mistakes he makes.
• watch out in case he begins to feel isolated, and encourage him to have a regular time for himself where he can get out and do what he enjoys. I have a wargaming evening with friends once a fortnight, and when DD is playing me up badly it is good to have some pure fun of my own to look ahead to.
• you don't get much feedback in the job, so do let your partner know if he's doing well. One of the ways I respond to my wife now is to try and really look after her - I know she has huge demands from her job and I am very appreciative that we have structured our lives so I can take care of the children. Try and show how much you appreciate how your OH is taking care of the family, a few well placed words will really help him.

Finally, I would say that for us the SAHD thing has worked, although not been without its challenges. But parenting is challenging however you try to do it, so as long as you stick together, talk to each other, and not take it too seriously you should get through in one piece. I love looking after my family - I think it is a very masculine thing to want to nurture, care for, protect and look after your partner and children.

I hope that gives some insight on the SAHD thing. It's my experience and I would love to hear from others.

Cheers,

Permanentvacation.

that's really interesting, permanentvacation. I had vaguely thought of these things, but seem to have got myself preoccupied with whether DD will be properly dressed and have her hair combed...

i guess we'll just have to see how it goes - DH is luckily a brilliant hands on dad, so hopefully not a complete leap into the unknown...

Hi Permanent, thank you! What was interesting for me was that a lot of these points are points that I think many SAHMs also feel. But I sensed that you almost felt that by reversing traditional roles, you were both able to understand the other one's viewpoint a little better?

DP and I do worry about this. I worry that he will get frustrated as a result of limited time to himself, and lack of control over his own time. And I think he worries sometimes that the pressure for me will be intense. But I think that as a woman, I'm more likely to understand that having children at home all day is full time work and have sympathy and understanding for him, and ditto that as a man, I think he'll understand the pressures I face.

I used to worry a little bit about hair being brushed etc, and then realised, that really, that would only be a problem at worst in the beginning. As he gets used to these things, he'll learn. My main issue is that I'm a control freak, and giving up control of the home like that will be hard for me!

yes, that's exactly it - i'm a control freak, too. i think i will just have to switch off thinking about hair brushing etc when i step out in the mornings and get on with my day. after all, it will be easier than switching off to DD being in nursery and me having even less control.

i will have to resist the urge to phone him during the day, i think, and just let him do things his way, even if it's not the same as i would do

I believe that having reversed roles we do understand each other a bit better. I think it also means a more even division of labour, with DW helping out with some of the stuff at home and me being willing to talk over the issues she is facing at work.

As for DH having lack of control over his own time, in some ways looking after small children is the ultimate flexi-time. OK, you work about 90 hours a week, but you decide on how you do it and often when you do it. For example, right now I am on Mumsnet while DS is playing with trains downstairs

It's funny that hairburshing is an issue - it is for us as well. The number of times I have dressed the children in the morning only to have a disparaging look from DW at my lack of sartorial expertise! Nowadays she will look out their clothes and I will dress them. She will often wade in with the hairbrush before I have a chance to ruin their hair.

Blinglovin, it may seem ridiculous to you now to be thinking about residence of your children in the event of a future split, but at least you are in full possession of the facts now and can choose to factor this fact in - or not - to your decision.

Obviously this affects men who go out to work just as much - I spoke not so long ago to a family lawyer at a London firm who says he knows of many men who soldier on in miserable marriages because they can't bear the thought of only seeing their children at weekends.

The best thing really (and I wish I had had this advice myself at the time) imo is for both parents to work but part-time or flexible hours. But it's a tad late for me now!

But if you both work parttime or flexible hours, one of you is still going to lose day to day custody in the situation of the marriage breaking down? That's a reality.

I see your point sixspot, but I refuse to base my decision on child caring on the chance that DP and I might break up down the line.

Blinglovin, in those circumstances, the mother will still have a better chance of being the one who has residence, or both will get joint residence.

Anyway, best of luck with whatever you do. I'm sure I felt like you 8 or 9 years ago.

My DP stayed at home for 2 years, We decided while I was on maternity leave that he would quit his job while I returned to work.

He was unhappy in his job, and in general wasn't sure about his career, he was an IT Manager in a corporate environment.

He loved being a SAHD, absolutely loved it! And so did I. We shared responsibilities and were both very happy with our home life. However I was unhappy in my job, got made redundant from the job I'd had before getting pregnant, so decided to quit and get my degree, and am currently studying full time with the OU.

This meant DP had to go back to work.....Which was a problem, however I would say the thing which made it more difficult was my DP didn't want to go back into IT, and certainly not management, but wasn't trained in anything else. He is now on a helpdesk answering phones all day, which he hates, but it was all he could get. Everyone was very suspicious about where he had been for two years, I even had to write a letter to confirm that he had been looking after my child (We are not married, but DS does have DP's name), as everyone seemed to think he was making it up!!!

However his advise would be do it, as he works to live, not lives to work.

Thanks SixSpot. Although, worst case scenario, DP and I break up and I land up having to support him financially while simultaneously losing best access to our children ... I still think that's better than a world in which a woman doesn't get the choice, and a man HAS to go to work. I don't plan to be a casualty, but if I am, so be it.

[obviously, that's not to say I won't rant and rave should that happen].

Hmm a subject very close to home here. The role reversal thing did not work in my case and ended up being quite a source of resentment. In the end it was one (there were others)of the deciding factors in the marriage not surviving.
So, as modern a concept as role reversal may seem, to avoid falling in the same trap this would be my advice:

1. Be very very clear from the outset between you as to the time horizon you are looking at. Is going to be 3 yrs? until dc reach secondary school? leave school? Or what if you lose your job?

2. Be very very clear as to what each one's role within the home is. Is he going to keep the house as you would have it? Are you comfortable with how he keeps house? How are household chores going to be split? Make sure the balance is struck and every one is happy with what they are expected to do and do it. As a wohm it is very easy to want to overcompensate and end up doing childcare (because you feel guilty for not spending enough mummy time with kids) and housework (because otherwise you know it just won't get done) before going out to work. Then you do a full days work and come home do some more childcare and housework and then if you are not to knackered you just might have some quality time for your relationship.

3. Define between you what that "quality time" for your relationship means. Time to talk? cuddle? sex? What will keep each of you happy?

4. SixSpot makes an uncomfortable but very real and valid point. I know (luckily it ended happily for me). Be aware of it.

3)I second everything PermanentVacation said in his 3 Nov 20:43 post.

Good Luck

Oh and another thing:

don't lose your sense of humour (both of you I mean)

awwww - i can just see point 2 happening here. housework and hairbrushing are my biggest worries, as i know parenting generally comes easily to DH

as i said though, a lot in my case is down to control-freakery, so i'll have to try and manage that and not expect perfection from him and keep the bigger picture in mind