Help! I may be accused of sex harrassment

[corygal]

I have been friends at work with an early 30s guy called Renaldo for three years. As victims of bullying when we began the job, we bonded over drinks in the pub, nights out together etc. I am senior to him and, over the years, have provided hours of support, career advice and informal training both in and out of the office. The company is pretty informal and we all go out for drinks a lot, etc etc, although often Renaldo invites me out for the evening alone.

Recently I fell for him rather, and, while careful not to make a pass (he?s the one who always hugs and kisses me), made my feelings clear. He didn?t respond and I quietly backed off. Around the same time I was diagnosed with a nasty stress-related complaint, the symptoms of which meant I had to tell work about it, albeit leaving out some of the details that I thought would make me look unreliable (eg not being able to travel far). I told Tom about it and asked him to keep it private

The gut complaint has got worse and I now need another meeting with our boss, which is a concern because I don?t want the company to write me off and I need the job.

I texted Renaldo and asked him for his advice in dealing with it ? he replied ?Please let me be!? I?ve sent him over 3 years, about 10 texts ? admittedly 4 in the last month. (I invited him to events outside work, but always with others too.) Shocked and hurt, I texted back grumpily informing him that I was sorry to hear my illness bored him, and I would indeed stop contact.

I discovered this morning that he has complained about me to his line manager ? apparently not for the first time. They had a meeting for 30 mins, subject line: ?More Corygal shenanigans I?m afraid.?

I must say, while I should clearly consider the possibility I may have overstepped the mark somewhat, I think this is a bit OTT. I have never behaved inappropriately in the office, and as far as I know not out it either. Laughing, joking and back-patting took place ? I even asked him to put tiger balm on my back once, which he agreed to - this took place because I was under the impression we were friends. He described me to a colleague as ?my best mate.?

The line manager and I are up for the same promotion, incidentally.

How did you discover about this meeting corygal? Has his line manager raised this with you? Your mention of a 'subject line' sounds as though you may have seen an email not intended for you, is that right?

I think you do need to have an honest think about whether you may have overstepped the mark. It's also worth considering that in terms of any kind of bullying or harassment, whether the victim feels harassed is vital, and whether an objective person might view the behaviour as unacceptable, not whether the person doing the harassing considers it to be harassment or whether they have malicious intent.

DO you have any particular reason to think a formal complaint of sexual harassment is coming? It might just be this person having a bit of a whinge to his manager and asking advice on how to deal with it himself.

Unless and until you are approached by anyone about this conduct, your best bet is to modify your behaviour, be completely professional with this person, don't see him outside work, and hopefully a formal complaint won't then happen.

From your description of some of your behaviour, I would say most people would say that would be inappropriate tbh, particularly from a more senior colleague. Obviously you felt at the time that within the context of your relationship, that behaviour was fine, but as an objective person viewing it in black and white, it doesn't sound appropriate.

Even though some of the meetings were off company time/premises, they could still be viewed as harrassment.

I think you should just be honest; that you were of the opinion that this person was a friend, and had no reason to believe that your attention was unwanted; that if you had been made aware of such, then of course you wouldn't have continued contact.

The number of text messages/calls isn't really relevant. What you have to compare this to, is that of a friend.

But resist the temptation to text/phone him. He has clearly made a complaint, if even off the record.

Quite a dishonest man though

I saw the meeting request this am from R on the line manager?s screen - their mistake.

I?m sure I have behaved inappropriately ? I would not, for instance, cook a colleague a meal, share a bottle of wine, or watch a comedy with them while at the office or on work time. I am guilty of this, that?s for sure, as I am of confiding personal and work-related issues relating to my private life.

Neither would I kiss a colleague, hug them, or arrange evenings out with them (as Renaldo has.)

I thought he was a friend of some years? standing ? er, I was mistaken.
Any more advice? I?m staying well away for now ? I don?t think he?s to be trusted. He has benefited from my seniority in his job a lot over the past 6 months ? earns 30 per cent more, better job title, etc.

He?s recently been told there?s no more money or promotion available for some time and maybe the change in attitude is no coincidence.

'Because of your seniority'. So due to a personal relationship with a more senior member of staff he has got a big payrise and a new job title? Eeek. If that's just about you giving him advice as a friend then fair enough, if it's about you using your seniority to get stuff for him that he otherwise would not have got, he's been using you and you've not been very professional at all. Hope it's the former, apologies if so!

No more advice to give without any complaint having been made about you, just stay away and take it as a hard lesson learned.

Sorry 'benefited from seniority'

could it be that he has been getting grief from a girlfiend about his relationship with you? It sounds like a fairly rapid turnaround. I must say that if my dh started receiving texts about another woman's gut problems, I would think that there was some depth to their relationship- you don't discuss that sort of thing with all and sundry.

I helped him and recommended him for better work but never abused my position (or his.)

He hasn't got a girlfriend.... it's funny, he was always the one asking me out.

I'm staying well clear - the other manager will be desperate to make as much of this as poss so he gets the job we're duelling for & I shall make sure my behaviour is perfect.

Thank you, thank you....

Is this office politics gone nasty?

Sex harrassment is when attention is unwanted/unwarranted/inapprorpiate. If possible, try and detail contact, and in what form for say, the last 6 months? Who contacted whom, and for what purpose - i.e. going out? sending a text? calling? In other words, if it was mutual, then try and establish how it was mutual - he initiated the text, call, invitation etc. If it was you initiating calls, invitations, he may try and say that he felt obliged as you were senior, but as you say, he was the one asking you out.

Hope it dies down.....

Could he be after your job?

Hope things go ok with you.

This kind of thing is so hard because unless someone can be fly on the wall it is difficult to say whether it was inappropriate behaviour.

There is some mad statistic that something like 3/5 relationships start in the office and it can be easy for people to read signals incorrectly.

I think you are wise to pull completely away and just act professionally.

If you were the subject of a complaint the best thing is not to panic and make it into something it isn't by being defensive. The people investigating will want to understand the context as well and it could just be that if you had been inappropriate they may suggest some coaching or something similar.

If you end up in the meeting use your energy to listen and apologise if you caused unintended offense.

Post again if things move on but for now don't worry just do your role.