going back to work - feeling concerned and having awful lot of doubts

[mdorka]

Hello All, I've read some of the threads and I feel you might be able to help me. I feel now a bit desperate. I am planning to go back to work next week and I have very ambivalent feelings. My daughter is 11 month old and I enjoy staying home with her, but I've receive a vey good job offer. It is a part time job (a daily 4 hours next month, and daily 6 hours from November on)with flexible working hours - which is very rare, I might say almost non-exist in my country - with a good salary. The financial side: if I don't go back to work we have to take a loan if we want to continue to live at the same - basic - level of lifestyle. The work is not my dream work but quite interesting, I might be even enthusiastic about it, if I hadn't have a child to leave at home. I am afraid that she would suffer if I go back to work, that she might suffer long term emotional disadvantages. We hired a faboulous nanny, but the first two weeks didn't work out as well as I hoped. Maja (my daughter) was also struggling with the teething and she was a bit sick, so that might be also the cause. But she has become more histerical and she wipes when I go out of the room. Previously, she was very sociable and friendly, this has never been a problem and I could even leave her alone for a few minutes with strangers (eg.with my friends), she never cried. In my country many mothers stays at home for 3 years with their children, so the social norms is rather to stay home with your baby as long as you can, though there has been a heated debate about it. I've tried to find some research on the subject, but failed. Do you know any? What are your personal experience? Help!!

Hello

First of all, please accept that any child of 11 months is going to find the transition to being with a nanny a little strange to begin with. That's normal behaviour. At 3/4 months old, your child would probably have reacted far less - it's simply a developmental thing. However, with extended maternity leave, many women do go back when their child is around a year old - so don't worry, you're doing the same as everyone else.
If your dd has been under the weather too, that's enough to make her grizzly and upset. She may have been clingy and weepy anyway, even if you'd been at home with her, if she was teething and unwell.
TBH the job offer sounds good - and 4 hours building to 6 is a short day so should be fine. I would really advise against taking out a loan just to maintain a basic standard of living at the moment - it really is not a good time to be under any extra financial pressure and could come back to bite you. I would relax and see how the next couple of weeks go, but my bet is that your dd will quickly adjust and be very happy

Thanks a lot for your support, I feel a bit better. However, I still have concerns that I made the wright decision. She is so small... and I know these times will pass very soon. I feel miserable that I won't be with her when she will need me. I feel miserable when I saw her being unhappy, she was the kind of child that people stopped us at the street saying how sweet and friendly she is. Hoping it is really just because of the teething and that she needs time to adjust. I can't help thinking that with small restrictions and with a small loan we would be able to manage for another 9 months and perhaps then both of us would be more ready for a separation. That's my feeling. But perhaps I am wrong. Some says it is easier if your child is still under one year or over 3. I don't know. Am trying to think that I can still quit if it turns out in the following month that it won't work out.

I went back to full-time work when my ds1 was 11 months old, we had a very good nanny, and it was fine.

You will both need a little time to adjust to the new routine though.

I gave up work when I had ds2 three years' later (it was financially attractive as I was offered redundancy) and there is no difference in the way the two have turned out.

It is natural to be concerned about leaving your child at the beginning, but I'm sure things will work out for the best.

Sophy, thanks for sharing your story, sounds encouraging. Did your ds1 also had a hard time in the first couple of weeks?

My dh was so supporting yesterday night, saying that let's try the first month that is only 4 hours/day, will see how we will like it and if it turns out to be horrible I should give up the job and we will work out another solution. I felt so relieved and I was so grateful to him saying this. I am now a bit more relaxed knowing that he will support my decision whatever it will be...

Good luck, try it and see how it works out, you are under no pressure either way if your DH is suppoorting you like this. Best of luck

Hi - I haven't been on Mumsnet since I was pregnant with my DS1 back in October last year. I logged on tonight because I go back to work tomorrow (full time) and have been getting really upset about it. Financially speaking we would really struggle if I didn't go back full time and childcare couldn't have worked out better with grandparents looking after him for 3 days a week and then 2 days a week DH's work nursery. However, that hasn't stopped me spending the last week or so crying all the time at the thought of leaving him. I'd love to know how you get on Mdorka - and I'll be wishing you all the best!

Sophy - your story was so encouraging - thanks!

Hi Collywolbbles, I might say so far, so good, although I only work 4 hours/day at the moment. It is hard to leave her in the morning (but DH and DD are accompanying me in my way to work and this makes things easier since we have an extra half an hour and she adores to walk so she is not upset when I say goodbye ), and I feel a little jealous when my DH is telling how she spent the day and also a bit sad for missing to participate in it. But in my workplace I don't miss her - although the first two days I deliberately tried to avoid the topic with my coworkers and restrict my thoughts and conversation to professional issues. But when I am there I feel like being my old, pre-mum me and it doesn't feel bad at all. I am also more optimistic because since Friday she is back to the old, sociable-happy mood and that warms my heart and I feel more relaxed. Having sad that, I still feel a bit concerned how I will manage 6 hours. How old is your DS? Absolutely no chance to work part-time?