Between a rock and a hard place - what would you do?

[anonymxxx]

I am not sure this is the right forum, but I need some fresh ideas/viewpoints.

For ten years DH has been not completely happy with his job. During this period I changed jobs twice, both times my decision was guided what's best for his personal happiness and which job would allow us to work in the same city (- We are both scientists). Recently I moved to another continent, because he decided he did not want to give up his job (the one he is not completely happy with), so I moved to where he works now. Especially since we have DS (9months), starting a new job and moving to another country was hard for me. I said that I would not want to relocate/change job for a while after this move unless for his dream job.

Fate wanted that his dream job has become available. Accepting it would mean we would move back to Europe and I would be unemployed. I would like to reduce work, but do not want to stay home full time, so this is scary to me. Also, I am just soo tired of moving and don't want to move again.

I do want DH to be happy and have his dream job, but I fear I will be resentful and unhappy if I move again/loose my job. I have been the main bread winner for a while, so I also fear loosing financial independence.

Other than that our relationship is solid and love being a family. Living apart for a while is an option for me, but not for him.

Somehow we are stuck and don't make any progress on the decision. What would you do?

Not sure I understand - you moved to another continent (where?), then your dh decided he didn't want to leave his job, so you moved back again? So are you all now living outside Europe, but might move back?

This is a hard one because there are lots of unknowns. For instance, how do you know that dh's "dream job" (on paper) will actually turn out like that? What if you give up your job, you all move to Europe and then he doesn't much like the new job either?

TuttiFrutti - thanks for your answer. Yes, i know it's confusing. I tried to make it short, but it got even more confusing.
Yes, we loved apart for some time - He wanted to look for a new job and my position ended, so I took a prestigious in Europe because we figured once he had a job he likes it would be easier for me to find something where he works when I am applying from that prestigious position. But then he didn't find a job he liked and we wanted to move back together, so I applied and found a job where we used to live in the beginning. Sorry, it's so complicated. I don't know how to simplify it. We live in the US - I am European, he is American.

Good point about the dream job - you never know until you have tried it. But it's what he always said he wanted to do, namely teaching students.

On the information you give, it sounds as though you have compromised a fair bit, and it seems unreasonable of your husband to expect you all to make such drastic changes, especially when there is no guarantee the new job will be exactly what suits him. You say he is not 'completely' happy in his job, but tbh, any job is going to have aspects which aren't ideal - as is family life!! Life is all about looking at the options and deciding on what is best for you ALL as a family. Isn't there some way he can move towards the kind of job he thinks is right for him without you all being uprooted again?

Thanks for your view findtheriver. Ooops forgot to mention that after I gave up my job and move back, he got notice that he has to leave in one years. Is really is complicated, isn't it?

How easy would it be for you to find a comparable job in Europe? Well, "Europe" is a bit too wide, isn't it - how about in the city/region where your dh's new job is?

And are you saying that dh's job is now just for a one year fixed term? Now that would be a dealbreaker for me, because it puts a real limit on your financial security.

I think it would be very difficult to find a job for me, I most likely would have to do something unrelated to my education. DH's job would be permanent but is very poorly paid - mine here is paid much better. It's really everything against taking him the job, excepts it's what he always said he wanted to do. He finds my hesitation unsupportive of him accepting his dream job and points out his supportiveness of me finding a job in the past.
I am just scared to get stuck with very little money in a new place and having to end my career. But I realise sometimes things open up that nobody would have dreamed of. If I don't agree to move, he probably will be very unhappy that I denied him his dream job and it might leave deep scars if not break our relationship.
I am really pretty desperate. Thanks for your views.

i thnk it hinges on whether you are sure that your dh has been unhappy in his work for the last ten years just because he's been unlucky in all his jobs in that decade, or whether a part of you suspects that your dh will always be unhappy in his job and convinced that the next one is the one that will bring him happiness.
if you suspect that's the case (my dh is the same) dig your heels in. you can't risk your financial security and happiness like this.
if you honestly think this is the one thing that will make him happy then you have a tough choice to make. you say you have lived separately for a while before, could you try this again - even for say, three months while he decides whether he does like this new job after all? i know you said he doesnt want to do this but it seems fair if he is expecting you to uproot yourself again