My sister has p'd me off!

[Chinchilla]

Not sure if this is the right topic, but here goes:

Today, my sister and I were talking about her possibly having a child in the future, and I suggested that, when she does, I look after it for her for a bit of cash. This would then mean that she has a close member of the family looking after her child, someone who would love it almost as much as her, and someone with experience. It would also mean that I would have a 'job' that would enable me to stay at home when ds goes to school. However, she made it clear that she would rather pay the full rate to have a qualified nursery look after her child, as they would have insurance, 'in case the worst should happen'.

Now, this is all a long way in the future, as she is single at the moment! However, I felt a bit p*ssed off that she did not trust me to look after her child. What do you all think? Am I being too sensitive?

Weeeeelllll, not sure if you're being too sensitive but I can, sort of, see where your sister is coming from. I do think extended families looking after children can be great BUT it can lead to some tensions, not always unspoken. I'm guessing your sister loves you so much and values you as a friend as well, that she wouldn't want to put anything in the way of that! The don't mix business with pleasure thing

Have to say that I agree with Tinker here. My mother looks after my dd whilst I work and she couldn't care more. I couldn't ask for a more caring carer but....

She wont abide by my rules. My dd rules the house and "Nana" gives in and gives her everything. My mother doesn't see that she has to have rules and regulations and this has often led to "tensions". As far as she's concerned parenting is for us parents but this means that 5 days a week for the majority of her day my dd get everything and anything. Its been better since she started Nursery in the morning but even so it is very difficult.

You sister might not have been as tactful as she could of but I also see where she is coming from in a sense. When I was pg my MIl offered to childmind DD for the 3 days I would work. But, I didn't want that. I comprimised in the end and she goes there one day and to nursery 2 days a week.

As DD is only 9 months we haven't had any 'disagreements' yet but I am sure they will come. I really want rules and discipline to be consistent for DD but will have to approach this sometime soon.

I don't think you are being to sensitive but maybe not looking at in in a different view, that's all.

My SIL and myself, talked about such an arrangement, when I was expecting my twins, as I wanted to return to work full time, and she wanted to give up the part time cleaning job she did.
She decided against it, and I'm very glad she did, because as soon as I went back to work, I hated it and negociated my hours down to 3 days, then later that year, DH decided he wanted to spend more time with the boys and dropped a day himself. Which now means the boys only have 2 days child care.
I would have felt awful if my SIL had given up a job, to look after my boys for money, and then lost out because of our decisions. As it was, we just had to give a few weeks notice to the nursey.
Peoples circumstances change, things don't always go to plan, and it would cause tention in the family if someone felt let down.
I would not worry too much about it, she proberbly values your relationship and would not want it to change.

wills-agree so much. my mother looks after mine and I am so grateful but..... just little things that you could be really strict about with nanny etc eg sweets, crisps, tooth brushing that nanny spoils them with, but feel you cant complain.
But I know Im lucky so gen. just go with the flow-couldnt do it with mil or sil though- tensions would def surface there!

chinchilla where do you live?
You could look after my three!
I can see everyone else's point but I would have been well pissed off too, particularly as you are already a mum.

Agree with all the comments, and would not have been so offended if she had given those as reasons! She first of all asked if I was going to get my childcaring certificate. (Umm, no, I have raised a child already thanks!) Then said she wanted somewhere with insurance, in case her child had an accident. Hmmm, nothing to do with being worried about me spoiling her child!

Oh well, perhaps it is best anyway, as we would be bound to disagree on how to raise a child. Anyway, as I said, I suppose it IS a long way in the future, and things would probably be vastly different by then. I might even have another baby of my own by then!

Thanks Jasper. Just read your message!! I'm sure that you live many miles from me...otherwise I'd LOVE to look after your three children (she says as she faints at the thought!)

I actually thought that it would be doing her a favour, and earning a bit of cash at the same time! She does have some funny ideas on many things, but expecting a mum to get a childcare certificate was a bit odd I thought! Perhaps she does not think much of my child rearing skills

Perhaps she was thinking of money, if your child is not with a regestered child minder, you can't claim chilcare expences as part of WFTC.

Aha - just re-read your original message. She's single which presumably means childless etc etc. To me that explains a lot - try reading the thread about childless couples. Possibly when she does start her family and realises the fear of leaving her loved ones with unknown strangers she wont be so picky. But I still stand by what I say in that its double edged and sometimes can be the cause of big rows.

I was just thinking the same thing Wills. A bit of the syndrome from the Interfering Childless Friends discussion. Of couse your sister knows more about bringing up chidren than you do Chinchilla. She's seen what you do and your children and knows she'll do a much better job and have much better behaved kids etc. No matter that she doesn't yet even know what half their genetic heritage will be.

Its all a bit hypothetical yet - when the time comes she might decide she can't bear to leave them with anyone or begging you to take them.

Chinchilla, I too would not want a family member to look after my ds on a day-to-day basis. As Tinker said, it is sort of not mixing business with pleasure! I suppose I am lucky because we have such a great childminder for ds. Also, I am all too aware of similar set-ups where members of an extended family helping look after children has caused real rifts in the family

Plus, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask if the person you are going to pay to look after your child is qualified in looking after other people's children, is insured to do so etc... Sorry, but I think you overeacted and your sister declining your offer will probably save your relationship with her in the long term.

I think it's almost funny, nearly getting into a row about a purely hypothetical child (who may never even exist). That's not to say I don't see where you are coming from, she wasn't terribly tactful (!) not to mention a bit bonkers sounding (esp about the certificate and insurance (as if money would help if you let her possible future child fall out of the window!), but I was also going to suggest cross referencing this to the childless friends thread. No childless person has a CLUE when it comes to children, how they will feel when they are born, who they would want to look after them etc etc. That's not to say they don't have VERY strong views on the matter. Permit yourself a small, knowing smile and pretend you never had this coversation. It's not worth getting fed up about. As I say, she may never have a child, ever.

You're all right of course. Thanks! I'll put it down to 'childless person knowing all' syndrome, and look forward to a titter at her expense when she 'phones me for advice...

Chinchilla, I'm capable of having the most ridiculous rows with my sisters and they usually blow over. Not saying yours was but aloha does have a point about hypothetical child! I hope you make it up soon. Do look forward to her phoning you when she has aforementioned child though, because she will. I'm looking forward to this with my sisters too although maybe they won't call me since they've heard of mumsnet. We do mostly think we know it all before we have them don't we?!

It's OK, we did not row as such. I just got a bit affronted, but it ended amicably. She apologised for upsetting me, and I said that it was her child and decision...even though there isn't actually any child yet!!! I realise how daft it sounds, but it was the theory behind it really. I'm just a mad cow

You were not being over-sensitive, Chinchilla. Your sis sounds like a bitch, just like my sis (who has no kids either, never offers to baby-sits and never comes to visit her niece & nephew and if she does never even buys them so much as a solitary chocolate button). Sorry, just had to get that off my chest!!

none of my family on either my side or hubby's side have ever babysat for us and dd is 15 months old now.It hurts a lot but obviously they just don't want to and I can't even be arsed any more to be angry.None of my or my hub's siblings have children so you'd think they would at least be able to do it occasionally.

Not a bitch Senza, just your typical person who has no children but who wants them eventually. I was a bit naive myself before I had ds! She has all these high faluting ideas about how to raise a child...but she'll get the shock of her life, and I'll be able to laugh Can't wait.

SORRY...Sezza, not Senza

Its actually illegal to mind someone elses child for more than 2 hrs a day for reward (which can be cash or anything else) so thats worth bearing in mind. To cover yourself you could get registered as a Childminder and never know what opportunities this could open up to you in the future. At least this way your sister knows you have the right insurance, a 'safe' house etc., plus you have all the backup and guidance you need. Looking after someone elses child is a whole different ball game to looking after your own I have to say, the responsibility is far greater and you feel so more guilty if anything happens to that child in your care (even falling over!).

As someone else has said, I think she'll change her mind when the child comes and she realises how much she wants to REALLY KNOW the person who cares for it.