Being disliked at work is making me really upset

[cookiesandcreamx]

This probably seems like a silly thing to write a thread about and I probably shouldn’t care about whether I’m liked or not but here we are!

I’ve worked in my current team for quite a few years (almost 9, private sector). I’ve always got on well with my colleagues. Naturally there’s ups and downs when you work with people closely for a number of years but there’s never been anything dramatic! This year I’ve had 6 months off sick. Firstly this was due to pregnancy complications which then resulted in a miscarriage so I was off longer for that. Since I’ve come back I just feel like I don’t fit in anymore, it’s like they don’t really want to chat with me when I’m making an effort but are warm and bubbly with other colleagues so it’s definitely just me! I try to make conversation and just get one word answers. If I try and join in on chit chat I just get ignored. If I walk in the staff room at lunch time they all just go quiet, we’re not a huge team, theres 6 of us in each day and it’s fully office based not WFH so it’s really obvious. It just feels like the dynamic has changed and it’s all a bit high school/bitchy. I was already struggling with getting back to work full time so this on top of everything is making things 10x worse.

I don’t know if they’re upset about being short staffed for so long or what (they all knew why I was off) but other than that I don’t know what I’m doing or have done wrong. I’ve made the odd mistake since coming back to work and trying to get back into the swing of things but nothing terrible or that would have impacted them. I’m honestly trying my best when I’m still struggling both physically and emotionally and I wish I didn’t care but I genuinely like them as people and we’ve always got on so well before it’s making me feel awful.

Leave, life is too short. You sometimes come across groups of people like that in life. It isn’t uncommon.

Do they actually not like you or are they just awkward around you because your awful loss (which im sorry to hear btw).

People dont know to support someone with a miscarriage at the best of times. If they know it badly impacted you they may just be feeling really awkward and managing it badly.

I think most people would be upset by getting the treatment you have experienced

are you working somewhere where they will not have employed a temp to cover your absence? have they had to pick up the slack and now they’re blaming you?

personally I would start looking somewhere else as of this weekend and try and just get through it until you can leave. They sound selfish

i would also make a note at home of all the comments and unkindnesses with the dates and who was involved, if you work somewhere like the nhs or where there is a union you might need it later

i have made a mistake of sticking out places like that but actually it’s worth taking the leap and getting out if you can.

I'm sorry @cookiesandcreamx . It is not a silly thing at all, you spend 40 hours a week at work, so it's a major thing if it's miserable.

I don't have any good advice, but just wanted to offer support. People can be dickheads, even those you thought were sympathetic friends.💐

Is there one person you could ask what the problem is? Or could you just say to all of them"have i done something to upset anyone because I'm getting the feeling that I've done something and I don't know what. Can someone explain". Its less drastic that having to leave. You might get to the bottom of it or they'll at least know you're aware of it and are willing to speak up about it. Bullying is less 'fun' when the victim is aware of it and is willing to confront the bullies.

of course you care, I think most people would! It’s where you spend a lot of your time

I think it’s possible that a pp is right and they’re just feeling really bad and awkward about what happened to you and don’t know how to express it properly - have any
of them actually acknowledged your loss openly?

Regardless I don’t think you’re overreacting as it sounds horrible and the opposite of what you need after such a tough time, so like others have said I think it might be worth thinking about a fresh start, provided it doesn’t impact your maternity rights, assuming you would like to try again (in which case I’d stick it out, have the baby and then go).

Im very sorry about your mc - I’ve been there myself (with recurrent losses, including one quite late) and it’s grim.

That sounds difficult. Could you have a chat with your boss and talk things through? Perhaps the reintegration could have been managed better. Do you do team building? Work lunches etc? It definitely sounds like a management issue.

OP I was in that situation when I returned from maternity leave. It was unbearable. I lost sleep. Every night I was drafting a resignation email in my head. I left several months later and never regretted it.

god I would feel awful if I found out I was making another person at work feel like this! They sound horrible, no wonder you’re upset. Honestly, I would just look for another job. A lot of the time, colleagues can be the reason you love or hate a job, rather than the job itself. In this case I would just move on

There is no indication of the dynamic in your office. Are they mostly young, or parents themselves or what.
I worked with the same bunch of women for 19 years so have a pretty good insight into bitchy female work places.
See I ask if they are younger because if they are, they are angry because you were off for six months for something they can't relate too.
It's sometimes very hard to be left short staffed for a long period of time and resentment builds up.
I recall one staff member of our group taking 6 months off for stress and morning sickness, and she slipped up by putting a photo on FB of her and her husband at a garden centre during the week.
She was never forgiven for that. Eventually she left and no one even said goodbye.

I think it's best you clear the air but be prepared to have to defend yourself.

Do they know in detail what you went though? Perhaps they're thinking it was less bad than it actually was. Six months is a long time off, and some colleagues may have had miscarriages where they were back at work much sooner. They might be unfairly thinking you were swinging the lead a bit, and if your office didn't provide cover for you that might make it seem even worse.

If it is that, it's really unfair. Your private medical issues should stay private and they should just accept that you had the appropriate amount of time off.

Are you sure, really sure, that this isn't just about how you feel about work after a period away?

I think many people felt similar after Covid and being away from work, if you are absent from a group for a long time, months, when you go back you can feel distant and isolated. That feeling sits deep in your stomach and the sense of being 'out of it' can pervade everything. It's possible that because you have that feeling that you are looking out for anything that confirms it where as before you wouldn't have noticed.

An example of what I mean is that conversations have ebbs and flows normally. Anyone can walk into a room and it goes quiet for any number of reasons, coincidental group hush, conversational pause, sharing something private and personal, slagging off the boss and so on. If you are in the state of mind of feeling isolated, it becomes about you when it is not.

It may not make a difference because if you feel badly about a work place, it maybe the solution is to move whatever the reasons or cause.

I don’t think it’s awkwardness because it’s goes beyond just chatting (which I could maybe put down to that). It’s like they’ll make cuppas for everyone else bar me. Or for example two of them went to a local bakery today and brought cupcakes back for everyone else but me (it seems silly writing it down!) so it’s definitely dislike I think. We’re all females ranging from early 30s to late 40s (I’m 30). We don’t really do team building but ordinarily would all have lunch together as our team all has lunch at the same time but that’s not possible right now.

As far as I’m aware my manager didn’t recruit cover during my sickness so maybe it’s that. I did tell them I didn’t mind my colleagues knowing about what was going on so they obviously know about the miscarriage because they knew I was pregnant before I went off sick but appreciate they may not know details of all the complications (I had sepsis). I was really hoping it would all blow over- this is week 4 of being back now though and it’s just getting worse. My boss just says it’s all in my head but it’s definitely not!

Or for example two of them went to a local bakery today and brought cupcakes back for everyone else but me (it seems silly writing it down!)

Can you explain this a bit more and describe exactly what actually happened?

Did they literally go round everyone handing a cupcake to people one by one and only left you out? Or was a box put out for people to help themselves? Is your office open plan or do you have your own room? Was it very obvious from the distribution that you were being excluded? Did they ask people before hand who wanted one? How did you find out they were going/had gone to buy cupcakes for everyone else? What did you actually see and hear?

I think you are saying there are 6 workers so are you literally saying 2 went off and bought 5 cupcakes?

If that happened it's a form of bullying really to exclude one like that for no reason but it seems very bizarre behaviour in an office of just 6 people.

The making cups of tea and buying cakes for everyone except you is bullying. I know of someone who had a grievance upheld when she was treated similarly, so you would be within your rights to go to your manager with this. Unfortunately, although the perpetrators weren’t quite as obvious after they’d had their wrists slapped, they weren’t any nicer to her.

Do you know what I’d do: I’d burst into distraught and inconsolable tears in front of them all next time they were being obviously mean. Shame the fuckers.

And then if at least some of them didn’t grow up, I’d leave and make sure management knew why.

So they came back with a box of them and then went round and put one on everyone’s desk except mine (it’s an open plan office)

I didn’t hear them plan to go or see them leave as I had a meeting in just before. They had already left the office when I came out my meeting. They did say they didn’t know how long my meeting would be when they were doing the hand out so I can’t tell if I’m just being over sensitive now!

I really think you should log it all down - even if you don’t want to use it

and look for somewhere else asap

they sound mean

This is bullying. You are not being silly.

Is your company large, do you have HR? Is your manager sensible, able to be thoughtful?

I don't think you're being over-sensitive. Had it been hot food, maybe, but a cupcake could perfectly well wait, however long your meeting.

My boss just says it’s all in my head but it’s definitely not! Just seen this.
I think you need to log everything.

Does your manager have a sensible manager?

I am so sorry you're going through this at work after everything

Log everything op, date and time. They won’t expect you to be doing that.

This is actually bullying by exclusion. I'd be writing a log if everything that happens and take it to HR or at the very least your manager to address it first.

I'd have had to say something at the 'cupcake' point, OP.

Can you go in tomorrow and say, 'Sorry, Janet - can I just ask; was there a reason you and Sarah went out yesterday and bought a cupcake for everyone in the office except me? It felt very pointed and I was hurt'.

And then I'd stand there expecting an answer. Don't let them get away with it. If she's offhand or rude I'd say, 'Ok, well I think I'll need to raise this with management then. Obviously workplace bullying isn't acceptable'.

This was me 4 years ago and I left. I had been with company 10 years but I was the last one to come back after furlough because I had a young child and I felt they all held it against me. Before Covid we all got on great so it was really hard.
it took me a while to pluck up the courage to go but honestly it was the best thing I ever did. I’m pretty much fully remote but when we do catch up as a team in person everyone is genuinely happy to see each other.