Colleague kissed me after giving me a lift and I feel uneasy

[Whatonearthwoman]

Name change

I need some advice on something that happened last night with a colleague. I wont say what line of work im in but it is a very male dominated industry.

So a man at work, every shift im put on with him he always tries to flirt. The more shifts we work together the more he tries it with me and its starting to get into sex chat territory.
Iv made the mistake of answering some questions because weve had to spend hours together, so prehaps now he thinks im easy game. I admit, sometimes it might come across like im flirting, but that isnt the case I am just really outgoing and possibly neuro where i dont think before i speak so I tend to say something that comes across inappropriate without realising. I smile all the time at everybody, and am always making chat. This is just the person I am.

So, the thing is I am not attracted to this man.
He has given me lifts home maybe 3/4times now. I would give him a hug because everyone at work is like that with each other. And i was grateful. Iv offered to buy him some food to say thanks for going out of his way.

But last night he put alot of pressure on me. He pressured me into kissing him in his car.
I was absolutely shocked and didnt know what to do so iv allowed it to happen. I hated it! Every second! I feel really disgusted with myself today and I just dont know what to do about it. I feel like hes crossed a boundary.

The problem is Iv let him do it. I didnt say stop or no. But I didnt want to go through with it at the time. This is the second time a colleague has tried it on after giving me a lift home, but the first they have actually done that.
I feel really upset and am dreading work tomorrow as we will be working together.

Please, some tactful advice. I understand I have done this to myself. I am disgusted.

You haven’t done anything to yourself, if you felt threatened then you went into a bit of shock and just went along with it so you could get away.
I wouldn’t accept any more lifts from him or anyone else in future, (you could go to HR but I personally wouldn’t in this case). Can you swap shifts at work so you don’t have to work with him? Can you arrange your own transport home OP?

I’ll add I’ve been in this position myself, male dominated environment, lots of time alone, inappropriate ‘banter’ which you go along with because it’s easier to be seen as one of the lads etc. It’s difficult when you are alone with them and outside of a work environment. I’ve been touched etc a lot of men are careful- plausible deniability etc. They aren’t all like it thankfully.

Don’t accept any more lifts from him. This isn’t your fault.

Is your line manager aware? I’d talk to them and/or HR as this sounds like sexual harassment.

https://www.acas.org.uk/sexual-harassment

Have you got his number? You could message him explaining you don’t want anything to happen with him and don’t want him to attempt it again. Then block him immediately if he replies in any way other than accepting.
And never accept a lift from him again.

Don't hug anyone and don't accept lifts. It's a shame that it has to be that way but if you're not good at reading people it's for the best.

Factual and simple: "I wont be accepting any more lifts from you. I want to keep our relationship professional and work colleagues only."

This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

He pressurised you into it and you didn't want to, but felt unable to get away. He assaulted you. This is sexual harassment.

This is exactly how it is for me. Sorry youv'e had the same. Im just trying to get through my shift. I cant swap shifts sadly but I can get home myself.
i was considering going to HR can I ask why you think not in this situation?

Even if you did flirt which it doesn’t sound like you did , that’s no excuse whatsoever to be ambushed like this in a car on your way home . It’s easy to try and blame yourself when things like this happen but this is in no way your fault . Up to you if you want to go to HR but I certainly would never be alone with him again and make it clear you didn’t want that

@Whatonearthwoman I don’t want to discourage you, if you feel it’s right for you and to be honest you probably should report it I know.
I just felt it wouldn’t end well, no witnesses, outside of work, the banter I took part in, I feel it can come across as flirting even though I’ve done it more to be included, not seen as stuck up for want of words, seen as one of the boys etc. I felt I wouldn’t be taken seriously I suppose that it would ruin my job prospects and friendships. Most men were for the most part absolutely fine, I’d have trusted them with my life if I’d been in a compromising situation.

A colleague of mine in another dept reported a much lesser interaction and everyone gives her a wide berth now, even the decent blokes are afraid to talk to her (unless it’s for work reasons). She regrets reporting it (it wasn’t anywhere near as serious as your situation or mine). You have to do what’s right for you, don’t listen to one random person on the internet, my management was weak and male and I’m going back a few years. I just felt they’d get out of it I suppose, which is what I expect they rely on. I wouldn’t want to have to explain it in front of people and go through the whole HR process.

I would stay away from this man, I’d shut down conversation and keep it to work only, never accept lifts from any of them unless you entirely trust them (and even then..) Look after yourself, I used to go to go to kick boxing when I was younger, just for the strength and confidence it gave me.