I don’t really know where to start or what I even want from this thread.
I have previously posted about massive issues when I was promoted to a post and just couldn’t get the team to work with me. I subsequently asked for a managed move and I’m still waiting for that to happen. In the meantime someone has been recruited into my post - so I’m classed as displaced. Consequently I’ve been placed into a post (which will cease to exist in May 27, until either a managed move is actioned, or I am “displaced” for a second time when the job ends and I go through whatever process is agreed for everyone else displaced at this time) so that I have “something” to do.
I don’t have a Team to manage, and the gist of this role is to set up a stakeholder group and manage what is produced from a procurement exercise. I’ve been in the post since mid-June and have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve drafted terms of reference, spent hours reading legislation and “guidance” but the reality is I’m attending meetings where everyone seems to have lots of “ideas and opinions” but very little clear direction. I however appreciate at me level I should be setting that direction but I honestly haven’t got a clue what to do. Being completely honest I’m also not in the right mindset to fling myself into anything all guns blazing knowing I might be moving to another post in a month or 10 months at the most. This isn’t really like me - normally I’m someone who looks for work, always gets things done, and meets deadlines.
I’m home alone today, and instead of enjoying the peace and pottering around in the kitchen, I’m actually just sofa rotting absolutely dreading the thought of another week starting tomorrow. I work hybrid but have avoided going into the office for the last month because at least in my home office I can listen to an audio book as I stare blankly at a screen.
The last 12 months have been professionally the most difficult of my life. I am exhausted, and physically/mentally drained.
For the last four years I have been supporting my mother through cancer and at Christmas time that progressed to palliative treatment. As a consequence of that I am also now responsible for caring for my grandmother (my mother’s mother), as my mother is unable too.
In January I caused a car accident, writing off two cars (nobody was injured thank god) because I momentarily lost concentration driving. I am finding it impossible to concentrate on most things, and the reality is I’m just not interested in most things either. Every day I just need to get up, get through it and keep going until Friday rolls around. The weekends are my time to do everything from batch cooking to washing, changing beds and all the usual life admin. Adding in hospital appointments, drop off to treatment, prescription collection etc, etc.
Currently my mother is “well” and the palliative treatment is doing what it should. Obviously I know things will get worse and I’m desperately trying not to take time off so that when things do get worse I will need to assess my options.
For my current role I have no experience of procurement and no contacts to call on. Setting up a group really doesn’t need to be that difficult but I’m finding myself paralysed by fear of doing something wrong, whilst consequently feeling like I couldn’t give a shit if it does.
I have always been classed as a high performer. In my role before all of this started I was the go to person to get things done. I also loved my job and I took pride in it. I’m no longer that person.
I’m not in a position to resign and too young to retire. My marriage is a disaster so no support at home, and I carry the financial burden. If I looked for a new job I honestly couldn’t even know what to look for.
I just need some help in setting some direction for getting something done and getting through the day.