Genuinely sad about work group.

[CoNfUsEdandLoSt18]

I'm sad and I don't know if I have any right to be sad. I work 2 days a week in one school and 2 days a week in another school. One of the schools I genuinely love. I bend over backwards to make the principals life easier and she is appreciative.

Context: I've been recently diagnosed with ADHD and would suffer from RSD. I have never felt cool enough or welcome in any group I've been a part of. I was hoping this school would be different.

Last Christmas, we went out, and I was feeling a little down anyways. I was so excited though and I'm never excited to go out. However, I did get too drunk too quickly and got emotional that night. Last time, I was invited to stay in an apartment with them.

This time, no one has mentioned a thing to me about the apartment. No one has even asked if I am going. I just put my name down on the sheet. I just can't get past this. I know it's stupid but I just feel left out and not wanted. They have done this to another member of staff, but they are not easy to get a long with and makes everyone's lives difficult. I guess I am treated like him.

I know a lot of you are going to say I'm just feeling sorry for myself but I keep getting upset about it. And you're right. Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself while everyone goes out for drinks and food. It's just a big trigger and I was so hopeful that for once I could belong. I don't even blame them. I understand I'm boring, awkward and bad company.

Not sure what I even want from this. Just ranting I guess as my partner is just annoyed at me for being sad. I just want a hug.

Sorry you’re feeling like this op. So, you put your name down on the sheet. Does that mean you’re going?

Thank you.
No I'm not going to go. I've just let one of them know I won't be there. I've been in tears multiple times over the last week and can't stop the tears today so I know I would be horrible company. I cried enough last time and know they would have a better time with me not there.

Have they even organised the apartment yet? You know it's June! Very early for the Christmas party chat to begin (I get workplaces have to book early).

Its possible last year you getting upset out a few people off. Very hard to know without knowing the characters / how extreme it was. Most people would accept you were drunk and get over it.

Why can't you start a conversation about the Christmas do? Seems you are waiting for them to bring it up.

It sounds like you are unhappy generally and I think you need to work on that and making friends outside of work.

Why wouldnt you go?

If you go and dont cause drama maybe they will see it's not a pattern.

Is the sign up sheet for the event only? And the apartment is an extra thing?
If you got drunk and sloppy last time I'm afraid it's not surprising they aren't inviting you again. It's not about you as a person. You don't need to swerve the night out just because you aren't staying at the apartment I assume?

Are they even doing an apartment this year? You've put your name down for whatever's being organised so just wait. You might be jumping the gun.

Sorry, that wasn't a clear post.

It's an end of year work thing. They've organised the apartment. It's tonight. The first time I heard anything about the apartment was today and I think he let slip.

I get that I could have brought it up. But I am super embarrassed about it. I understand that there's no point crying about it when I'm a big girl and could have mentioned it myself. I'm just going to park it and move on. And accept that I'm just not part of their group. :)

Thank you for the replies. I get that I'm being pathetic about not going because I wasn't invited to stay. Thanks for helping me see that. Have a nice evening

Aw. You sound like a lovely person. Try and do something nice for yourself tonight. Do you have anyone you could visit?

Do you know they’re staying in an apartment this time? They may not be, or it may be full with colleagues at the school full time. You put your name on the sheet but have you spoken to anyone about the night out? Asked if they’re going, said you’re looking forward to it? To belong takes effort from both sides, it sounds like you’re waiting for other people to make the first move, and if they don’t you’re telling yourself that it’s because you’re less than them in some way, rather than they’re busy at their work, or maybe think you like your own space.

What did you get upset about last time? What did that look like, most folk just want to have a good night out and not have to look after someone who is upset. We can’t always help being upset but if that took over their night I can understand them not inviting you to the apartment (if there is one). It doesn’t mean they don’t like you - just that they want an easy night out. Were you able to speak to them after the fact to explain and thank them for their help? Have you been out with them since so they know you’re not usually like that?

Literally no one said that though.

How many stay in the apartment? It might not be about you at all, it could just be that a few of them organised it between themselves rather than a whole work thing, and that the event is the main part of it?

No one has said you’re being pathetic. Of course you’re upset, you’ve been left out. That’s a normal feeling. It’s not you as a person they’ve chosen not to embrace in the group. It’s that your behaviour last time you went let you down, and they don’t want that. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, there is a clear explanation and you need to own it. Yes, be gutted and frustrated with yourself, but learn from it, apologise and move on!

Why not go, take it steady, stick to low alcohol drinks and rewrite history. Most people would understand, lots of people have had a bit too much to drink been over emotional, not ideal at a work event but it happens, you aren't the first. You certainly could of done much worse things. Give yourself a break. You can go, smile, be friendly, join in the chat and go home afterwards.

So you're invited to the work party with everyone else, but haven't been invited to stay over at accommodation organised between colleagues this year, because last year you got too drunk and cried/ruined the night?

If that's all correct I'm not surprised tbh. You should go to the party, pace yourself, have a good time and maybe next year you can get involved in the organising to stay over? They probably just want to avoid a repeat performance.

It’s a shame you’ve talked yourself out of going. This could’ve been an opportunity to “redeem” yourself!

I’m not sure I’d want to be part of a group that can drop people so harshly, hide things from you. They don’t sound like good people.

Well people don’t tend to like messy drunks. It’s why I’m teetotal…. Because I kept losing friends and embarrassing myself. So I understand the shame, but equally you’re an adult and have to change your behaviour if you want people to treat you differently. No point acting the same your whole life then getting upset at the same result.

I've just been in bad form this week so I'm not 100% myself. I wouldn't even have time now to get ready and get their in time. I understand where my colleagues are coming from. I'm not angry at them. I hope they have a good night. They deserve it. Just disappointed in myself. I've taken everything that has been said on board. I'll try again and redeem myself next year.

Just to make it clear as well. I have gone out with them 2 or 3 times before and have been absolutely fine. It was just the last episode. I'm embarrassed by it and overthink everything. It is what is is. I've calmed down and am not so upset anymore. Which is what I needed. Thank you again for the advice. I appreciate it.