Sick leave from work - do I admit for MH reasons?

[HoldingOnMum]

I have a lot going on. I've had a couple of bad nights, but I'm feeling like I can't go on like this. I'm considering signing myself off work next week (I work 3 days). Should I admit that it's for MH reasons, burnout, stress and anxiety, or just say something like I have a stomach bug (my stomach isn't great due to stress anyway). Or do I just suck it up and get on with it and try to work through it!? I'm concerned about being left vulnerable to losing my job. My attendance is good, I had 2 days off sick in the last 18 months since I was in this role (have worked in different roles in same company a lot longer).

I feel like a couple of days to myself whilst kids are at school/nursery could help me regain some control and make a start on clearing the house.

Background to avoid drip feed:

I am technically a single parent to DD8 and DS3, but we co-parent in a way that means we spend a huge amount of time together, he comes over most evenings, cooks and we eat together and he helps get kids ready for bed before leaving at 8pm to sleep at his parents house. Whilst I continue this setup for the sake of my kids, I'm not sure it is helpful for me or my mental health. I still carry the mental load of everything, and even small things like preparing school uniform for the morning, he only does 80% of the time. I'm tired of constantly checking he's done things he said he would and I find it a lot easier when I just get on by myself.

My parents (divorced when I was 8) are both elderly and have rapidly declining health. My dad has just moved into a care home after a hospital admission for a fall, he had been living by himself, has mixed dementia and is starting not to even recognise us. Mum has parkinsons and suspected dementia, she lives in family home and my sister and her family live with her.

I have always had hoarding issues, but over the last few years is seems to have spiralled and my house is a mess, to the point it's getting dangerous. But if I'm not working, looking after the kids, or seeing to my parents, I'm just about keeping on top of the washing and general life admin, so I can't see a way to clear the clutter.

There are issues with the flat we own, but at the moment it is too much of a mess to get people over.

I'm 42 and likely peri-menopausal. My cycles are all over the place, periods are heavy, I think I get PMDD. I'm struggling with sleep, I often wake up after 3-4 hours sleep and can't get back to sleep. I wonder if the sleep is hormone related as its not all the time, but not sure if there's a pattern to when it happens.

I don't have any close friends, I have school mum's that I talk to, my sister, my ex-partner, but noone who I feel like i can confide my desperation.

I'm just about coping at work (3 days a week). I struggle with sleep deprivation and just general concentration, but I'm managing to do just about enough, was rated high performer last year, but feel like I'm only giving 60% due to everything else going on.

Do you have days where the children are at nursery already if you work 3 days? Is a couple of extra days going to make the difference you need it to make? Do you have annual leave that you could use at short (ish) notice? Totally get the sleep thing. I’ve found that exercise has had a positive effect (I know it’s probably the last thing you need to hear if you do t have much in the way of time.) perhaps an honest conversation with your ex about how you are finding things and try to get some balance in the situation?

Also worth noting - burnout can take months to heal from so not sure if a couple of days will cut it, if you think burnout is where you’re at.

I'm afraid I'm old school and never think it's helpful to admit anything about mental health to an employer, even or especially if it is a public sector one.

HR is always looking for reasons to mark someone's card. For a few days just say stomach bug.

I've been asking ex to take more on for a long time. I've literally begged.

I know that realistically, I'm not going to turn my life around in 2 or 3 days, but I feel like it might give me a little breathing space.

In the 2 days I don't work, my son is at nursery for one. I manage some washing, tidying and help parents on that day, before I need to pick kids up. I put him in an extra day so I could do more at home, but mum and dad have both had extra health issues so every time it feels like I have a chance, something else happens. Since he's turned 3, the extra day is unaffordable, so will need to stop soon. Everything takes longer when I have my son.

Ex is pushing for us to sell the joint flat and get our own places as he's sick of living with his parents. He chose to stay there, could easily sleep at ours, but he doesn't want to live with me. Lots of work required before we sell, but that means major decluttering needed first.

If you’re ill, you’re ill and need time off whatever the reason. I would take the few days as stomach issues. I mean, I wouldn’t - I would book it as holiday but I assume there’s a reason you can’t do that, so in your shoes right now that’s what I’d do to get a reset.

You’ve got a window of time while DS is still in for the second day. I’d be maximising that (preferably with annual leave but do what you’ve got to do!) and with a clear plan for what you’ll do on those days. I’d draw up a plan that included housework, decluttering, and much-needed downtime / nice things to do for you.

As ex is keen to sell the flat, he needs to help. Does he take DC on his own at all at weekends? He should. Give you at least a day alone. Is there scope for his parents to have DC for a Saturday and you and ex start on the tidying?

You do have to sort out the underlying issues though. Your sister and her family live with your mum. So why is this so draining for you? Dad is now safely in a care home. So ditto. I am absolutely not discounting the mental worry that comes with elderly parents, but can you distance yourself from the practicalities? Do less to help?

I can’t see why sis and family aren’t covering more parent help when they literally live with mum. I wonder if you’re doing it because you’re guilty that sis is in the at-home carer role and you’re trying to compensate. To which I say, they live in the family home presumably for free, so quit the guilt.

Currently it reads to me like you’re trying to do it all. You know that’s not working as you’ve identified it’s triggering your hoarding response. I think the reset is a good idea but you have to drop the rope on some of the other stuff eg so much parent help.

If you let your employer know the real reason they can support better. If they think it’s a stomach bug they’ll be unlikely to ask anything further or check if you need any support, which they should do.

Chronic mental health conditions and menopause would likely be covered by the equality act and you should be offered reasonable adjustments to support you in the workplace.

I work in HR and I never ‘mark’ anyone’s card for being unwell and needing time off. I appreciate every employer is different.

Top and bottom I see no issue taking the time off, rather than hitting rock bottom health wise but it’s up to you what you tell them.
I hope you’re on the up soon OP.

I think in your situation it would depend on the culture in your workplace and how supportive they are.
None of your issues are a quick fix and are not going to be fixed with a few days off. Your employer will want to know you are taking steps to improve your mental health.

I think anyone going off sick due to MH should see their GP or MH practitioner at the Practice to be assessed for medication or other therapy or support.

Does your GP practice have a MH nurse? They can be helpful to sit down and talk through the issues, help you see things more clearly and plan a way forward. I agree with PP you need to try to step back from being stressed about your parents, they are being looked after. Their declining health is a natural part of ageing.

If you find the headspace to make a plan you can start to address your problems, but you may well find this too overwhelming and may well need professional support

@HoldingOnMum I have been where you are and needed time off. A good few weeks. I was very run down and probably should have took time off sooner for MH and then I also became physically unwell. I am feeling tonnes better now and my manager is supportive. If your organisation or manager/HR team are not supportive then that’s a shame but you do have the legal right to take time off when needed.

And @topcat2014 I think you’ve been unfortunate and maybe worked in an uncaring organisation/department. As a former HR person in public sector my HR colleagues and myself were empathic and certainly didn’t have anyone’s card marked. In fact the opposite and this is why I was able to be very honest with my manager when my mental health dropped.

Sorry if I seem defensive but I get really frustrated with sweeping comments about HR. Some companies and HR are crap, I’ve met people that worked in them and was pretty horrified by the way they did things. In fact I left a different public sector org after just a few weeks as the way they ran things in their HR team went against all my values and I could not stay. Please don’t assume all HR are the same

If you have financial means I would get a professional declutterer. I know one, not selling her services, but this is what they specialise in.